Elliott Night's Blog

Last night's dream 2/25/10

2010-02-25T08:35:00.000-08:00

I dreamt I was being tortured with whipped cream.

Last night's dream 2/24/10

2010-02-24T09:53:00.001-08:00

I dreamt I was walking down 5th Avenue in New York City with My Gal. I had a stick in my left hand and an ice cream cone in my right. Every time we passed a woman wearing red My Gal would say, “Poker.”

Last night's dream 2/23/10

2010-02-23T10:01:00.000-08:00

I dreamt I kept meeting Christians. We’d go out for breakfast. I’d always order the chocolate chip waffles. They’d always order the eggs.

and the same night...

I dreamt my friend walked into the room and told me she went to the local titty bar and did the licking table. She said, “I went in, and all the old guys thought, ‘Oh that girl! She’s a lookyloo,” but then I went over and climbed up on the licking table.”
“What was it like?”
“It was kind of disgusting.”

Last night's dream 1/10/10

2010-01-10T07:52:00.001-08:00

Last night I dreamt that Nigel and I were walking down the street and Nigel was carrying a little bandanna wrapped bundle at the end of a little tree branch. He was running away and had asked me to walk with him for awhile until he got the hang of it.
His bundle included 9 Q-tip sticks, with the ends removed; a can of Friskies Chicken and Liver and one of Turkey and Cheese; a tinfoil ball to remember Rosebud by; and a picture of me with our address on the back in case he had second thoughts.
"Where are you going to go?" I asked casually.
"New Orleans."
"Why New Orleans little man?"
"I heard your Gal talking about it the other night and I want to go and help."
"Well, that's nice honey. But My Gal was there a few years ago, when the hurricane hit. It's been a few years."
"I think things are still pretty bad there Mom."
"You're probably right, Nigel."
"I need to go DO something Mommy. My life just can't be about chasing Q-Tip sticks and licking my deflated balls."
"Nigel!"
"Well, it's true! I want to ACCOMPLISH something Mommy!"
I sighed and realized that my inter species son had more of an idea of what he wanted to do with his life than I did. What had happened to my desire to DO SOMETHING with my life? When had it become days of undirected this and that? Time was wasting and I was wasting it.
"Mommy..."
"Yes Nigel."
"Is New Orleans far?"
"Yes boy. It's 1791.2 miles."
Now it was Nigel's turn to sigh and he looked worried.
"Hey Nige...how about if you come back home and next time we visit Grandma in Florida I will drop you off in New Orleans on the way."
"But Mom, I want to help now!"
"Okay, well, how about if you help me?"
"Oh Mommy, you don't need anyone's help."
"That's not true boy. I need your help."
"How?" he challenged.
And I was stumped again. I wanted to get the boy home. I wanted to help him find a purpose that could be served within the walls of the condo so that he'd be safe. But I didn't want to thwart his dreams. I didn't want to misdirect his passion to help others. Why was I at such a loss these days? Why didn't any path seem like the right one?
Suddenly I realized Jesus had joined us on the other side of Nigel and they were punching each other in the arm.
"Hey my Man! Going to New Orleans, huh?"
"Well, I was going to but it's really far Jesus and I..." and here Nigel started getting overwhelmed.
"No problemo, little buddy!" Jesus said and shot me a worried look.
"Oh crap!" I thought, "we're screwed."
"Dad has New Orleans covered!" lied Jesus, "Everything is groovy there now Nigel!" he continued in this high voice he uses when he's lying his ass off.
"It is?" Nigel looked up into Jesus' face wanting to trust him, as we all did.
"Sure, sure, sure!" continued the lying face of Jesus.
"I..." I started but Jesus shot me this I-will-turn-you-into-a-pear look and I shut up.
Jesus picked up Nigel and got very interested in what was in his bandanna sack. Then he suggested ice cream and suddenly we were headed towards Cold Stone and New Orleans was in the past.
While Nigel was attacking his vanilla and chicken and liver swirl cone I whispered to Jesus, "What the f..."
"What did you expect me to do? Tell the little guy New Orleans STILL looks like a bombed out village from WW2? That I had no idea what my old man was waiting for there? Did you WANT him to walk to New Orleans?!?!?"
"No...of course not."
Big sigh from me.
"He wants to help..." and I started to cry.
"Easy now sis..."
"He wants to help and I am a big lump of..."
"Your jealous of your son's desire to help?"
"No! Yes! Oh man. I'm lost! What should I do? Should I be in New Orleans helping to rebuild? Should I be in Bangladesh helping to feed the hungry? Should I be on an anti-whaling boat between a whale and a whaling ship? Should I be in NYC on the sidewalk expounding the virtues of single needle use to drug users? Should I be lobbying Washington to abolish Don't Ask Don't Tell? Should I be fighting against clitoridectomies on young girls in Asia and Africa? Should I be doling out food at the local food bank? Should I be..." and I dissolved into tears.
Nigel ran over.
"Mommy! Mommy!" and he turned to Jesus and shouted "What did you do to her?" and bit him on the hand then he leaped into my arms.
"Ow! Hey! You little son-of-a...!"
"Nigel!" I scolded but held him tight.
He struggled out of my grasp.
"You're okay right? Because I need to get back to my ice cream."
"Yes, yes. I'm okay. Well, I'm not...but go, go before it melts all over the sidewalk."
And all three of us looked over at his cone, thrown carelessly to the sidewalk when he thought I needed him.
"That's what you do." Jesus said. "That's all any of us do. We drop the cone and we go to the side of the ones we love. And for some those are strangers and for some they aren't. And for some they feed them and some they teach them and some they comfort them in other ways. I'm still searching for the way I need to do it. So are you El, that's all. Just remember, when the time is right, you'll drop the cone."

Last night's dream 12/26/09

2009-12-26T09:28:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt that Santa, Jesus and I were coloring Easter eggs in preparation for the next big holiday.
"What about Valentine's Day?" I queried.
"Man made holiday...doesn't count," said Jesus.
Santa glared at Jesus.
"That's a good idea, Big E. (Santa calls me "Big E") I always get Mrs. Claus a heart shaped box of chocolates!" he said emphatically.
"I always get Mrs. Clause a heart shaped box..." Jesus said snarkily under his breath, but we all heard him.
What was really going on was that Jesus didn't have a Valentine.
"What ever happened to that Mary chick?" Santa asked innocently but with malice.
I tried to scoot my chair back a foot without really being noticed. This was dangerous territory and I wanted nothing to do with it.
But Jesus was cool, seemingly unaffected. "Moved to Berkley, took up some women's causes...NOW, La Leche, some others...." he replied nonchalantly. But I noticed that the egg he was getting ready to put in the blue dye bath was cracking slowly in his clenched fist.
"So!..." I said and trailed off ineffectively.
It was always like that when the two of them got together. They couldn't get along.
Jesus threw his egg into the blue dye and blue dye splashed out everywhere including on Santa's suit. Including his white fur collar. Including his snowy white beard. I scooted my chair wwwaaaaayyyyy back and murmured something about the time and how I had to be moseying. Jesus tittered. Santa's face clouded.
"So!..." I tried again.
"Think that's funny," Santa stated.
"Uh huh." Jesus smirked.
Santa picked up an egg and eyed the green dye.
"No! No! No!" I shouted and leaped up from my chair and stood between the two of them. "Ya'll act like four year olds!" I scolded. "Four year olds!" I added for emphasis. The egg hit the green dye with astounding force and both Jesus and I were completely greened. "You bastard." I inhaled. "Not only is that shit green, it's like freakin' ice water!" I yelped like a dog. Jesus just waved his hand and turned Santa into a pear.
"A pear?" I asked.
"A pear," Jesus said. "First thing that popped into my head. I should eat the mother..."
"Hey now!" the pear said.
"Turn him back." I sighed.
"No."
"J, man, turn him back."
"It's not going to happen, Big E." (Jesus also calls me "Big E".)
"Come on...what about turn the other cheek and love..."
"Thy enemies?" Jesus whispered.
"Oh, come on! For the love of...! Santa is not your enemy!" I said, exasperated.
"He is!" Jesus said petulantly.
"I'm not," said the pear.
"Tsk."
Jesus waved his hand and Santa was again Santa.
"Whew! Ho, ho, ho!" remarked Santa. "A pear! Whew! Ho," he imparted.
Jesus started to laugh a little.
Santa threw back his head and "ho, ho, ho'ed" it out of the park.
Jesus got a fit of the giggles.
I went along. "Hee, hee, ha....ahahaha..."
The only dye left was the pink so we rustled up a huge batch of shiny pink eggs and then went out for beers.

Last night's dream 12/24/09

2009-12-24T08:17:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt I was wrapping presents in the Philippines in a sweatshop surrounded by 8 and 9 year olds who were also wrapping presents.
Tsk, I thought hotly.
The little kids were sullen and every so often I would catch one of them out of the corner of my eye, gouging a present with a long thumbnail or even biting a toy leaving ugly marks on a doll leg or a train's little chimney spout and I thought, Good for you, kid! But it felt wrong. It all felt so very, very wrong. So I pulled out my cell and called Jesus.
"Hello! You've reached the Big J! SuperJeez, The Christ! Can't come to the phone right now--I'm either saving souls or beating down the devil...leave a message!"
"Jesus..." I muttered..."Jesus!" a little louder. "Hey Man, pick up....Pick up....Pick up! Pick..."
"Hey."
"Hey."
"Whasup?"
"I'm over here in the Philippines in a sweat shop with little kids who are wrapping expensive presents...and I'm wondering, What's up with this?!?!?"
"Oh....uh....can you call back in like...an hour?"
"Don't. You. Dare." I said menacingly.
"Well, crap! How do I KNOW?!?!? I'm the freakin' SON for cryin' out loud! I'm not, like, GOD!"
Silence from me.
"Well, I AM God...well...it's complicated."
Silence from me.
"Tsk."
Silence from me.
"I don't KNOW. WE can't always UNDERSTAND the Master's PLAN but we can take comfort...I don't know why Dad...why I...what the meaning...FAITH! Faith...sometimes things just need to BE because they are a small piece in a bigger...GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS...tsk."
Silence from me.
"What do you want from me?"
Silence from me.
"It's beyond me, El. Yes, even ME. Happy now?!?!?"
"You can make it rain marshmellows on a canal in Venice and you can't do something about sweatshops with little kids in them?" I ask, already knowing that this conversation isn't ever going to end. It's an unending conversation. It has no conclusion. There is no answer. It's an answerless query. Jesus really doesn't know.
"Look...I asked Him once and he...well, let's just say he wasn't PLEASED. He's omniscient...I'm part of him but not all of him...just the good parts...ha,ha,ahahaha...okay, listen...LISTEN...I..." and Jesus trailed off. "I've got another call coming in...I'll call you back. I'll CALL YOU BACK, `k?"
And he hung up.
I bit into the arm of a bobblehead and wrapped it.

Last night's dream 12/22/09

2009-12-22T07:07:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt that Nigel and I were on a walk around the neighborhood and Nigel was asking me hard to answer questions like, "Why was I born, Mom?" and "Is there pattern to the Universe or is it all Chaos, Mommy?" and "If it is all Chaos, isn't the Chaos itself a kind of pattern, Ma?" and "What's string theory, Momma?" and "Do string theory, quantum physics and fractals merge together at some point to create an even newer form of theory, Mom?" I kept humming and hawing and trying to distract him with comments like, "Oh! Look at that pretty flower!" and "Are you tired yet, little fella? Want to go back home?" and "My, it sure is warm for December, isn't it?" But he wasn't to be distracted. He was hot on trying to figure out the Universe and I was supposed to be the one to help him untangle the web of mystery. "Mommy, I have fractals in my EYES!" he exclaimed and put his eye up really close to mine. "That tree, if we looked at it through a very powerful microscope, IT has fractals!" Then he sighed. "Science is awesome, Mom!" Finally I relented. "When we get home let's look up some of this stuff on the computer, `k?" I suggested. "Yeah!" Nigel said enthusiastically and started running for home. I unlocked the door and he bounded up the stairs. But by the time I got the computer up and running Nigel had found one of his Q-tip sticks (with the fluffy ends removed) and when I said, "Hey Nige, I'm ready to do a search on string theory!" he turned to me said, "Meow." and carried his Q-tip into the living room to play. Science would have to wait.

Last night's dream 12/21/09

2009-12-21T07:32:00.002-08:00

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud, Nigel, My Gal, Jesus and I went canoeing. We rented what was referred to as a "family gondola" which simply meant a big ass canoe. Rosebud lolled on the very edge of the very tip of the back of the canoe. Her eyes doing that little slitty thing she does when she'd rather be somewhere else. Nigel was at the opposite end of the edge of the front of the canoe dipping a paw into the water and shaking it off, dipping it in and shaking it off. Jesus lounged back by Rosebud with a paddle across his lap and a hand languidly trailing the surface of the water. My Gal was up with Nigel keeping an eye on him and paddling with precision and efficiency. I was in the center of the canoe making salami, cheese, and mayo sandwiches with french bread.
"To the right," My Gal would say and Jesus would wave his hand a bit and the canoe would go to the right.
"To the left, please."
"Mustard or mayo?" That was me.
"Mayo." Jesus
"Mustard." My Gal. "No, mayo...no...mustard."
"Meow." That was Nigel.
Rosebud, as usual, ignored me and began to shred the canoe with her claws.
"Rose! Rosebud! No, no, no! Rosebud! Rosebud! Rose! No, Rosebud, no, honey, no!" I pleaded and this went on and on until My Gal smacked her paddle in the water and said, "Buttercup! Stop it!" and Rosebud stopped and My Gal gave me her big butch look, a rarity.
"If you could be any animal what animal would you be?" queried Jesus. This was one of his favorite games.
Rosebud gave him the hairy eyeball and Jesus said, "Rosebud McButtercup! I know you would only be you, you, the perfect you! And I know everyone wants to say Rosebud as their first choice so let's just move on to what-animal-would-you-be-if-you-couldn't-be-Rosebud?"
I said, "Vulture, whale, or bee."
My Gal said, "Lion, Pomeranian, or pig."
Jesus said, "Tortoise, hummingbird, or lice."
Nigel didn't understand the question and was too absorbed in wetting and shaking his paw to give it more attention.
We meandered down the river. I love to meander.
"I love to meander," I shared.
"Uh huh! That you do..." My Gal agreed.
"That 40 day thing I did..." mused Jesus, "...that was meandering for sure. You know I ran into Satan on that trip!"
"Uh huh," My Gal and I both said at the same time and rolled our eyes at each other.
"Not very many people know the truth about what Satan and I talked about," Jesus imparted to a now rapt audience of two. Rosebud having had a good stretch had mosied down to Jesus' lap and was curled in a little calico ball snoozing away. Nigel was still doing the dip the paw, shake the paw thing.
"We discussed sports mostly. Beer. The ladies! Ha, ha, ha," joked Jesus.
My Gal and I waited patiently knowing Jesus had to go through this kinda jokey thing before he shared the real wisdom. He was just like that. My Gal kept saying, "He's a humorist." But I think he was the incarnation of Henny Youngman. If I had a nickel for the times he'd said, "Take my Father...please!"
"We talked about morality and mortality." Jesus sighed heavily. "We talked about precious mankind and how heroic and pitiful ya'll are."
We all looked off into different distances around the canoe.
Nigel fell into the water and Jesus levitated him out. My Gal toweled him off. We ate our sandwiches.
Jesus began singing "Row, Row, Row your Boat" and we all joined in in a beautiful round.

Last night's dream 12/19/09

2009-12-19T07:25:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt that Jesus and I were Christmas shopping at the Mall. We had planned to do all our shopping online but I had ordered something for my girlfriend that came in the mail and...well...I was disappointed when I saw it. Jesus tried to sell me on it.
"It's...nice!" he lied.
"No...no, Jesus...it's not "nice"...it's..."
"She'll like it!" he lied again.
"I really hate it when you lie." I said. "It's one of the things I count on is that you won't lie to me."
"It SUCKS!" he chortled gleefully.
So we were at the Mall. And Jesus was standing in the "Sit on Santa's Lap" line.
"Come on! Do you REALLY have to do this?" I pleaded. "I have to find that one super special item for my gal! The stores will be closing in three hours! Please!" I begged.
"Plenty of time, Big E!" He said enthusiastically. "Gonna sit on Santa's lap!" he added.
"Tsk."
So he stood in line and I kept running to a store and back to the line to check on him (because when you are out with Jesus it's always a good idea to check on him periodically) and then running down the mall to another store. I was having NO LUCK WHAT-SO-EVER in the super special item department. I was sweating. I was anxious. I was getting cranky.
Jesus, who had been waiting in line for over an hour was also starting to get cranky.
Both of us cranky was a bad thing. Who would talk us down?!?!? We began to feed each other's crankiness and started really whipping each other into a frenzy.
"What if Santa decides to take a break before he gets to you?" I asked innocently.
"What if you can't find the super special item tonight? He responded casually.
"What if the mall closes before your turn?" I notched it up a bit.
"What if you NEVER find the super special item and it's Christmas morning?" He was pretty good at notching himself.
"What if..." I began but he interjected...
"...and on Christmas morning your gal opens her presents and her little face is crestfallen and her little lip crumples up and her liquid brown eyes fill with tears and..."
"ALRIGHT!" I shouted.
Lots and lots of people paused to stare but most were sympathetic...it was Christmas shopping after all and it wasn't like I was the only American having a shopping related meltdown.
Jesus sighed. "We need food." he said.
So I ran and got us soft pretzels and Orange Juliuses. We snacked in line and that did help quite a bit.
"Don't worry...you are almost to him now." I said.
"You know if you just gave that gal of yours a big smooch on Christmas morning she'd be happy." he replied.
He might have been truthing right then but I couldn't accept that. My gal was special. I just had to find the super special item. So far online shopping was letting me down and so were the malls. I was forlorn.
Suddenly it was Jesus' turn with Santa.
He asked for peace on earth and an end to all wars and violence (which I felt was redundant) and a vintage train set that we had seen in an antique store downtown (which really wasn't for Santa's benefit but a very broad hint to me) and promised to leave out cookies and milk. Santa was irked that a grown man would (as he interpreted it) make fun of him and waste his time (he had no idea that it was Jesus on his lap) but when Jesus got off his lap he kinda waved his hand at Santa and touched his shoulder and man, these are the moments to live for when you hang with Jesus because that guy in the Santa suit...he just lit up like a...well, a Christmas tree. And his face lost all it's holiday-related anxiety and he kinda sighed into his own heart. And everyone within, oh about a hundred mile radius, felt a bit of the feeling and there was a lot of relaxing and heart expanding going on.
"Super cool." I whispered to him.
"Super cool. " he replied.

Last night's dream 12/17/09

2009-12-17T08:27:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt that I was in the pokey AGAIN!!! It seems that through NO fault of my own I was involved in a sex scandal AGAIN. See, I was invited to go to this party that my friend said she thought I would find fun and funny. She was going with HER friend who had invited her with the same line and had added casually "...oh, and feel free to bring a guest." It turned out that SHE had been invited by a friend of hers with that exact same speech. So the night of the thing my friend calls and says she's sick. Not only that but that the friend that invited her--she's sick TOO. So this gal that invited the gal that invited my friend that invited me calls me and says in this deep voice edged with a tiny bit of danger "So...(long pause, more danger) YOU still wanna go?" And I'm nervous and DON'T want to go so I blurt out, "Hell YES, I still want to go!" So she picks me up in a Yugo and we head for this warehouse and I'm trying to think of sparkling conversation starters but I can't help peeking under her coat with my eyes every once in a while because I think I can see, but I'm not sure, but I think I can see something that looks like painted on vinyl. Liquid vinyl. And I'm thinking, "Is she wearing painted on LIQUID vinyl?!?! No. Could she be? OMG...OMG...I...she IS! It's got to be! I'm so not dressed right for this..." And I kinda peep down at my own outfit which is a pencil skirt and a black t-shirt and Keds. And I think despairingly, "I'm f*cking wearing KEDS?!?!?!" We finally arrive and the door person, who is wearing a leather outfit that looks a bit like those pajamas with the feet in them but is slightly more than skin tight and of paper-thin leather with little cutouts that you don't want to know where and with a mask over her face and these long Thailand dancer nail things on and I'm trying not to look at the nails or the cutouts or ANYTHING. I'm trying to act super cool and I'm losing it. And the door person murmurs, "Ooooohhhh Keds! You're going to want to head to the far, far back of the warehouse." and she laughs throatily. I have always wanted to laugh throatily but mine is more of a guttural aboriginal word kind of laugh. And now, NOW, it was more of a high pitched anxiety ridden giggle of massively embarrassing proportions. And the gal I came with, she says, "Isn't she tasty?!?!?" Meaning ME. Which I kinda liked that. I mean who doesn't like being referred to as "tasty"? But then I thought about where I was and about what that could really MEAN and I was between another giggle of hysteria and a full out scream of panic. I had to do quite a bit of self-talk. "Reeeeelaaaxxxx!" I cautioned. "Reeeellllaaaaaxxxxxxxx....it's JUST a party. It's JUST a new experience. It's not a big deal. It's a lark...It's a...." and my self-talk froze because in front of me was this drop dead gorgeous creature of, oh almost but not quite, 5' 10" and she was holding a trophy in her hand. And she wasn't wearing much but what she was wearing appeared to be silk and leather which my mind really couldn't quite ALLOW me to wrap around and then I thought, "Wrap around..." and I was lost. LOST! Lost to this world of--I didn't even know what but now I was thinking it might be a really, really good idea. REALLY GOOD. For me to find out. This gorgeous one. She hands the trophy to the door person and purrs, "Can you put this with my coat, please? I just won the contest for...oh...you know...JUST one of the contests..." she said this so casually and in my mind I'm screaming "WHAT?!?!? WHAT?!?!? What did you win FOR?!?!?" And I'm completely smitten by her face and her body and her leather and silk wispy pieces and she turns to me and smiles and I start to fall over. Luckily my Keds had traction and I kind of acted like there was a strong wind that had blown me a bit around and I straightened up and said in a cracked boy-coming-of-age voice, "I'm...uh...I'm...that is...I'M HEADING...to the uh...to the BACK of the...to the uh...(and here I look down at my feet and kind of point) heading to the KEDS portion of the warehouse." and I just reach out and take her arm and say, with just a smidgen more authority, "And...AND...and yoooouuuuu...are...uh...you...YOU (and here I try to keep from fainting and I clutch her arm a little tighter)...Youyou are coming with ME!" And to my amazement I start to stroll...yes, I'm together enough to STROLL towards the back of the warehouse and this creature, this apparition actually strolls with me and smiles at me and lets me actually TOUCH her arm. Now would have been the time to chat casually or maybe offer up some really great innuendo or even flirt openly but no. NO. NO. NO. I was pretty much back to being in a total state of P-A-N-I-C. I was sure this gal, this glorious gal was going to shirk me off her arm and laugh and say something like, "Keds! Ha!" and stroll away to the feather or leather or pleather or whips or whipped cream sections of the warehouse...but she didn't. She even kind of moved closer to me. I felt a heart attack preparing itself in my chest. I really just wanted to leave there and get this gal her coat and head to, I don't know, maybe Denny's. I wanted to find out if she liked decaf or regular coffee, I wanted to know if she preferred pancakes or waffles. I wanted to put some clothes on her so that I could take some clothes off her. I wanted to hear her snore...I wanted her to meet my Mom. I wanted to play Yahtzee with her. I wanted to... We reached the KEDS section of the warehouse. She looked down at me and smiled. I looked up at her and blushed.
"I don't know what to do now." I confessed.
"You don't?!?"
"I've never been to a Ked's party." I admitted.
She laughed..."Oh, you'll be fine."
I started, "But..."
"I'll go with you." she promised.
So I took a deep breath and was ready to part the curtains and find out what really happened in the Keds section when the doors burst open and we were raided. Someone mistakenly identified me as one of the organizers and with my management background from my old job in corporate America the police thought it made sense. So there I was. In the pokey. Smiling, smiling, smiling down at my keds.

Last night's dream 12/16/09

2009-12-16T08:15:00.001-08:00

Last night I dreamt I was at a cat show and the "Best of Show" was a calico Cornish Rex much like Rosebud. Rosebud ran off with this cat! Then a man came over and said, "I wrote a book." The book was the story of Rosebud and her TWO CHILDREN! I was stunned. I ran after her yelling, "You have KIDS?!?!?" She and this "B of S" Rex kept dodging me, running under tables, leaping over cats in crates. The organizers came running yelling at me, "Get your cat UNDER CONTROL!" they demanded. I smirked at them, shook my head, and said, "Tsk. You expect me, a mere mortal to get Rosebud under control?" They looked at me and then looked at Rosebud who was perched on top of one of the judges heads and then back at me and said, "Tsk." and walked away. The judge (with Rosebud on his head) was stammering and just slightly shaking. "She's...uh...sinking her claws in my head...a little...she's..." and then he trailed off because he saw the look on my face because I saw the look on Rosebud's face. She was getting ready to leave the guy's head. This was not a good thing for the guy even though he might think it would be. Because. Because it meant that Rosebud would need to "sink in" quite a bit to get the correct leverage to make her big leap to her next destination. He didn't yet know what he was in for. I rushed over but the man made a fatal mistake. He said, "Get this...this...animal off my head..." and then kinda sarcastically, "...please." It was the way he said "animal". I know my child is an animal. I realize she's a cat. I'm not naive. But the way he said it. You just don't diss my kids. So my frantic rush turned into a bit of a meandering stroll where I even stopped to take a quick look at a Sphynx in a crate who winked at me knowingly. So by the time I reached the judge Rosebud was sinking down, down, down into his little scalp and projecting herself into the air like the beautiful lean mean adorable machine that she is. This should be the end of the dream with maybe a little humorous anecdote at the end but no. The organizers had us held until the police can be called in. I snuck out my cell phone and made a quick call. By the time the police arrived Jesus was pulling up, in a limo this time, and in a suit. "Attorney for Rosebud and Elliott" he said and waved a hand and everyone turned into gingerbread houses. "Jesus!" I laughed. He grabbed Rosebud and the two touched noses. He said, "How `bout we go get us some cream and chicken and liver?" Rosebud purred. We got into the limo. Liberace was driving and the steering wheel was a keyboard (appropriately). He smiled at me in the rear view and started off. "Jesus..." I began but he interrupted, "Already on it Big E." and he waved his hand and no one was a gingerbread house anymore. Rosebud crawled on top of Liberace's head and Liberace laughed and laughed. Even when the claws sunk in.

Last night's dream 12/15/09

2009-12-15T08:15:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt that my girlfriend and I were listening to a Meg Christian record and singing "Ode to a Gym Teacher" at the top of our lungs. We were laughing and falling into each others arms and spilling wine on the carpet and I didn't even care. I let that wine just puddle there. We laughed so hard a little wine came out my nose and we laughed even harder at that! That led to wine enema jokes for some reason and now we were rolling around on the floor and laughing so very hard that you couldn't even hear Meg anymore. Finally the laughter subsided and we were subdued. I looked out the window and said, "Oh...look at that...you don't see that everyday do you?" And my girlfriend looked out the window too. There was a pig with a big bee on it's back going down the street. The Bee had a little delicate whip in her hand and the pig had on a tutu. Then my girlfriend said "wine enema." and the laughter erupted all over again.

Last night's dream 12/14/09

2009-12-14T13:40:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt that a Japanese man wanted to have lunch with me but the food was late and then he was in a meeting and then there was a dog that I had to entertain for some reason with a little yellow ball. I kept approaching the wrong Japanese man and asking if it was time yet or telling him that I was the one who wasn't quite ready and they were very gracious and would relay my message to the right Japanese man but then at the end of the dream it turned out that ALL the Japanese men wanted to have lunch with me. And not just one time. There was a poster posted that stated that there would be a Japanese Man Lunch with Elliott Night every Wednesday. And the kicker...ONLY Japanese food was to be served and it had to be home made. I ran home and ransacked the cupboards looking for my rice cooker. I couldn't find it. But when I opened the freezer package after package of shishamo fell out. I breathed a huge sigh of relief and took a swig of sake.

Last night's dream 12/11/09

2009-12-11T09:35:00.001-08:00

Last night I dreamt I was in Venice and was on one of the many canals. I was eating marshmellows out of a bag. Tons of pigeons were crowding around me wanting one of those tasty white treats. I kept telling them, "These babies are for me, and only me! Go on now, go with your bad selves! Back to the plaza!" And to my amazement they all flew off in a huge white cloud of wings and beady black eyes. "Hmmm!" I thought with a little toss of my head, thinking I was super cool. Then I saw him sitting in the boat with me with his arm still held in the air in a waving dismissive gesture. "Jesus..." I mumbled. "Hi!" Jesus said all chummy. I wasn't feeling very chummy towards Jesus. We had just gotten out of the pokey for, like, the fifth time since arriving in Italy. "Gosh! It sure is beautiful on this canal!" Jesus mused. I went to take a little puff of white out of the bag and to my chagrin realized that the marshmellows now rested on Jesus' lap. "Hey! Come ON now!" I gestured angrily at the bag. Jesus giggled mischievously and handed me back the bag. I grabbed it back, irritated. The bag was empty. Jesus giggled again and waved his hand and the bag was full. Of mini rice cakes. "Better for you...and for that...um...little waistline of yours. I flushed with anger, embarrassment, and shame. "Oh great! Is this your way of being loving and kind?!?!" I asked with tears gathering in my eyes and threatening to slide down my face. "Oh for cryin' out loud!" muttered Jesus. "Try to have a little sarcastic fun...try to be just the slightest bit cynical! But NNNNNOOOOOOO! Not Jesus...Jesus can't be sarcasticcynicallyclevernaughtygossipyflirtynastybitinglyfunny...he's got to be the GOOD BOY! Well I'm SICK of it!" And he, somehow he got the bag of marshmellows back, threw the bag up in the air and little white blocks of delight came down littering the canal, the boat, and us.
"Tsk."
"Come on..."
"No...you know it's true..."
"Come on now..."
"I have to be so "Up-With-People-ish" all the f-ing time! It's not FAIR!"
Here I had to really, really just breathe. Nothing else. Just take in some breaths. I think I hummed a little. Because Jesus is not "the good boy". I mean, HOLY CRAP! He's in trouble ALL the time! I am constantly having to get us out of jams! He's the flirting-est religious icon I know! He's sassy, mean-spirited, goofy, and glowy. He's the definition of sarcasm and he's the definition of grace. As I hummed some more I realized just how important he was in my life and when I thought of him being the definition of grace I got truly, really truly, this is no embellishment...I got choked up. He was my hero.
"You know your my savior...right?" I said.
He blushed! OMG! Jesus blushed at me!!!
"It's true. I don't know what I would do if we didn't know each other. There would be a really big hole in my life. You know that right?"
"Yeah..." he muttered with a little upside down smile on his face which showcased his dimples quite nicely.
"What do you want to do? Get some gelato?!?!" I asked.
"Paragliding!" He said hopefully.
"Again!?!?" I asked and his face started to fall but I was laughing and he started laughing too.
"I love you dude." Jesus said.
"I love you too." I said back.

Last night's dream 12/07/09

2009-12-07T07:38:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt that Jesus and I were at happy hour and he had knocked back a few and he was talking about his dad...again.
"Everyone thinks Dad is a planner! Dad's not a planner...no. He's a spur of the moment guy! Really, you think he sat down and diagrammed out some of this shit?"
I tried to change the subject..."Isn't our waiter a cutie?" I tried.
"Like platypuses, Hitler, colic for babies, whipped cream in a can, osteoporosis, ostriches, shooting stars, the mojito..." and here he holds up his mojito. "All FLUKES!"
"Well..." I begin.
"And FLUKES too! Flukes are flukes...He would finish dinner, turn to Mom and say, 'Goin' to the basement for awhile.' and off he'd trot and sit there in a broken down barco-lounger...oh, it was so cool, it was red leather and that thing ROCKED. I could sell that on Ebay for, like, I bet maybe a thousand bucks!"
"Well..." I get out.
"So he'd sit in this barco-lounger and he's mutter to himself for awhile and pop a Pepsi or a Pabst. Pretty soon he'd be up and rummaging around in these tubs he kept down there and the next thing you know he'd come up and drop something like a platypus or a toucan on to the dining room table and make all of us kids comment on it. Mom would literally run out of the house and be watering the garden (of Eden) or something by the time he reached the top of the stairs. We kids didn't mind, she had to put up with him all the years before we were all born so..."
"Well..." I attempted.
"So this toucan or maybe a macaw or a miniature pony or a goatee would be sitting there and we'd have to give it stars. Five stars was super good and one star was like a 'try-again-dad' thing. No one ever gave Dad one star!" and Jesus burst into giggles.
"Well..."
"Yeah, there WAS one time that Neil, my brother Neil, gave Dad one star and (eruption of giggles) oh crap man! Dad turned Neil into a miniature putt putt golf course for three days! See! No planning! He just pulled stuff like that out of his ass! (another giggle eruption)"
"Well..."
Silence.
"Oh! Well..."
"Yeah, my old man! I couldn't be prouder! Don't get me wrong! The imagination on that guy! It's AMAZING!!! I mean he is ALWAYS thinking! And 99% of the time he's spot on! Brilliant! But I really live for that other 1%, know what I mean? I live for those times when Dad goes a little tilt-a-whirl on shit! (more giggling)"
"Well..."
"And the coolest thing about Dad? He's all forgiving. Yeah, he might turn you into a golf course or something when he's ticked off but then he comes around and forgives everyone for any stupid shit they do. That's the real beauty of Dad. Hey, let's get another mojito, `k?"

Last night's dream 12/05/09

2009-12-05T11:32:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt I was in a Mexican bar in Mexico. It was a rough bar. It was not a good situation. I was very nervous. I sat off in the corner mostly staring down at the floor or at my festive alcoholic beverage. I didn't realize it until something was said but I was doing that annoying habit that I have...I was twiddling my thumbs.
"Thumb twiddler, uh?" Shouted out a guy who had a scar running across his face.
"You come in HERE and twiddle?!?!" Yelled a really big hairy guy with no shirt.
"I..." I choked out.
"What you BORED, Thumb twiddler? Is that it? We BORE you?" Demanded a guy with one eye.
"I..." Hoarsely.
"Come on Thumb Twit! Let us in on your little secret! Why you so BORED here, uh? WHY you come in HERE and twiddle like that, uh? And it better be GOOD!" said a really enormous guy with a mustache and tattoos...who turned out to be the barmaid.
"No..." I struggled to raise my voice above a whisper. "No...not bored...shy...uncomfortable...nervous...not...bored, no...I'm...not me...lovely...bar...really...great...decor...good....stuff...festive drinks...lovely..." I spewed out between the thunder of my heartbeats.
They all glared at me menacingly.
Then Barbara Streisand bursts through the door in her Yentl attire and a birthday cake in her hands. The cake is shaped like a turduken. Everyone gathers around and a rousting round or three of happy birthday ensues.
I'm forgotten in my corner. Twiddling my thumbs in earnest.

Last night's dream 12/04/09

2009-12-04T09:11:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt I was hanging from a cliff. My heart was pounding near out of my chest and I was a hairs breath from panic. I kept moving my legs and feet seeking a tiny bit of purchase just enough to take the stress off my arms and hands. There was nothing. Nothing. Jesus appeared over the edge of the cliff, smiling down at me. "Let go." he encouraged. "Help me!" I begged. "Help me up!" He shook his head no and really smiled and repeated, "Let go. It'll be fine." I looked over my shoulder and the drop was so magnificent that I couldn't see the bottom. Just a black pit. "Help me up! Help me up!" I pleaded. Again the smile, the head shake, the gentle, "It'll be alright...just...let...go." I proceeded to explore the wall with my feet and legs. I grew frantic. My arms were tiring and I knew I couldn't hold much longer. Jesus sighed. "I'll help you." he said, and stood up. Then he stomped his foot down on my right hand as hard as he could. I screamed and let go of the cliff. Now I dangled one handed from the cliff's edge. Jesus smiled and stomped on my left hand. I released the cliff's edge and down, down, down I went...falling through space. Falling. Then "thwunk" I landed. In your arms. In the arms of love.

Last night's dream 12/03/09

2009-12-03T09:56:00.001-08:00

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud, Nigel, and I were going to Goodwill. Rosebud was cranky because she wanted to stay at home and sleep and Nigel was cranky because I didn't let him bring his Q-tip stick. I had put a few things in the cart to try on. One was this really fabulous leopard print top that I was positive would make my waist look tiny whilst drawing attention to my magnificent rack. As a bonus it had the half price color tag! Nigel came down the aisle dragging a junior scientist chem lab box. "Moooommmmm!" he foamed excitedly, "I can blow things up!" Then he saw my face and his face fell. "Moooooommmmmmm!" he said beseechingly, "I'll only blow up small things! Pleeeaaaassssseeeee Moooooommmmmmmmm!" Rosebud comes up behind him and shoves her knee into the back of his knee and he goes sprawling. Then he starts crying. I look around and everyone is staring. "Nigel, Nigel..." I croon, "Come here little Fella." I pick up Nigel and he sinks into my shoulder and I pat his back. Then he starts the fist punching in thin air thing that he does. I have no idea what this means but I let him punch a little air until he calms down. "Look, let's pass on the lab and I'll get us all chicken and liver treats for tonight!" Nigel shakes his head "Okay" excitedly. Boy loves his chicken and liver. Then I turn to deal with Rosebud. I spot her at the far end of the store innocently leafing through paperbacks. I sigh. I turn around ready to head for the dressing room to try on a few things. I look down and the leopard print top is gone! I look around the cart thinking maybe Nigel knocked it out. It's nowhere to be found. "Tsk!" I think. Then I head to the dressing rooms and see that one is occupied and the second one is empty. I go in with Nigel who makes a face. He doesn't really like to see me in my "all unders" as he calls them. "You can face the wall or close your eyes..." I state. He goes in with me and pulls out a pouch of jacks and a ball. He doesn't play, he just examines them. I am trying on one of my finds when I catch a glimpse of a leopard print sleeve brushing the floor of the dressing room stall next to me. Sharp intake of breath! "Why the nerve..." I mutter low and menacingly--safe in my dressing room. Then I hear, "With a little tuck here and a little tuck there, Hot 70's Disco Night, here I come!" I yell out, "Jesus!" There is silence in the other dressing room. A pregnant pause and then furtive gathering of items and the sound of an attempt to open the door without making a sound. "Jesus Christ!" I shout again. Then I realize that I am in a dressing room and that the whole store is probably staring my way. "Nigel, stay here, honey." I say as I turn and yank open my door. There stands Jesus attempting to slink away with the leopard print top under his arm. "What are you DOING?!?!" I say accusingly. "Oh, yeah, accuse, accuse, accuse!" He snorts. "As if I haven't had enough of THAT in my life!"
"You can't steal things out of people's carts, especially out of FRIENDS carts, like that just because you had a rough childhood! We ALL have damn it. We ALL have!" and I look around for support but the other shopping ladies are all averting their eyes and moving away slowly but purposefully towards housewares. "Tsk." says Jesus and hands over the leopard print top. I go back into the room and try it on. It doesn't fit. I come back out and hand it back to Jesus who whoops a little bit and does a few opening steps to "The Hustle". Rosebud is leaning against the outside wall of the dressing room texting. She gives Jesus the hairy eyeball. The two just don't get along. Nigel comes out of the dressing room with his little sack of jacks and balls and yells, "Uncle Jesus!" and leaps into Jesus' arms. "Hey little bud!" says Christ. "How's it hanging?" "Long and wide!" replies Nigel. He doesn't know what it means but that's what his Uncle has taught him to reply. Jesus always has a little tickle from this. So I stand watching him chuckle and Nigel looking hopeful that he's said it right and Rosebud yawning and texting. I say, "Ok, who's up for chicken and liver treats?" and we all wave a hand in the air.

Last night's dream 12/02/09

2009-12-02T08:33:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt that Jesus came over.
"What do you want to do Little E?" (he calls me Little E sometimes. Mostly its okay but sometimes its condescending and I get irked. On this occasion it was said in an affectionate tone so I was good with it.)
"Ummm...want to get soft tacos?" I suggested.
"Not hungry."
"Oh...well...we could go to happy hour somewhere..."
"Groovy, dude, groovy!" (He calls me dude sometimes too and that one does bugs me. I always want to point out that I'm a gal and that if anything I'm a dudette but he counters with the old doctor/doctorette and outdated actor/actress argument. So I just let him call me dude sometimes.)
So we headed to the local gay bar. First of all because it's Palm Springs and where else ya gonna go? And secondly because Jesus prefers gay bars. I'm not saying Jesus is gay! You want to know about Jesus' sexuality YOU ask him. I do think it's safe to reveal that when Jesus has had a couple of mojitos he loosens up and is a MAJOR flirt! He's good at it too! But, he KNOWS it. And that spoils it a little for me. He acts very innocent but, hey, he's the son of God so innocence gets trumped by the all-knowingness thing. He flirts with everybody! Everybody. Actually, he's kinda slutty. In a very spiritual way! Very spiritual. But also very slutty.
Anyway, we head to the gay bar and Jesus always does this other thing that bugs me. He produces the free drink chip. He just pulls it out of thin air. He hasn't purchased a drink previously to get the chip. I roll my eyes and mutter, "Tsk." But he always replies, "Loaves and fishes, baby, loaves and fishes."
So we're in the gay bar.
A bunch of guys come over and sort of swarm Jesus. It's that magnetism thing he has, the glowy aura around him is like a naked bulb to a bunch of moths. So these guys are laughing at his jokes and buying him drinks and a few are out and out mauling him and Jesus is in his glory! Well, not his, you know, Glory glory, but he's definitely eating up the attention. I even catch him batting his eyelashes.
I have the odd conversation about fashion or shoes or where to shop for thousand thread count sheets and sip my dirty martini. I have found myself in the pokey with Jesus more than once, so I usually keep an eye on him but tonight I got distracted by my own pondering and before I knew it there were words, loud words, being exchanged between a big bear and Jesus and a little bear was standing nearby looking both appalled and excited. "Oh crap!" I mutter and polish off my martini with a quick swig. Then I rush over hoping it isn't too late but Jesus had escalated. He always escalates. I don't know what it is about him but he seems to crave the drama. You'd think after what he's been through that a quiet evening at the local gay bar would be enough but with Jesus it never is! He likes to be in the spotlight and that's exactly where he was right at the moment. The entire bar had hushed and were staring with glee, pity, encouragement, or boredom (depending on age and history) at the bears and Jesus. I plow in, "Jesus, J!, Jesus, what's up dude?" (sometimes I call him dude back because I know he likes it.) "Don't call me dude!" he shrieks. Oh. It's going to be one of THOSE nights. I stand in front of the big bear and say, "Honey, believe me, he ain't worth getting your panties in a twist over. Let me buy you and your fella here..." and he breaks in "MY HUSBAND!" "Yeah, yeah, okay, you and your husband. That's so fucking cool! Wasn't prop 8 a fucking slap?" I say. One to get him interested in something else besides Jesus' bad behavior and two, I don't usually throw around the f word like that but in these situations I have found that (being five foot two) using a little foul language makes me seem taller. So I'm f-ing this and f-ing that and I order up a few drinks and Jesus is being comforted (Comforted!) but a young Asian, so he's distracted, and Jesus is murmuring something about Shintoism. The bears stalk off and I motion to Jesus that it's really time to go. He grabs hold of the Asian and they stroll out of the bar ahead of me. Jesus whispers to the Asian and the Asian laughs gently, with a hand over a little luscious mouth. Jesus comes over and says, "I'm going to do a bad thing! I'm going to ditch you, `k?" He asks all smirky perky. "`K!" I reply smirky perky back. Then he says, with complete sincerity, "Little E! You're the BEST!" And when Jesus compliments you like that, believe me, it lights you up like a Christmas tree! That's why I hang with Jesus. Even when he's smirky perky. It's a faith thing.

Last night's dream 12/01/09

2009-12-01T07:41:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt that Jesus and I were walking out in the forest. There was a stream to the right and Jesus kept slamming into my shoulder to try and knock me into the stream. "Cut it out..." I said wearily.
Jesus always tried this kind of crap on me when we were together. He slammed me again. "For the love of...!" I exclaimed.
"Come on! I want to baptise you!"
"Forget it!"
"Come on, come on, come on!"
"No. Absolutely not. Can you just let me have my own BELIEFS for a change!"
He starts pouting.
"Tsk."
"Hey, did you see that bird? Little tiny blue thing! How cool!" I try.
"BFD."
I give up, because with Jesus there are very few ways to pull him out of a sulk.
I stumble and fall to the ground. Jesus leaps into action!
"Is anything broken?" he asks excitedly.
"Uh....oh...uh...no, no, nothing broken..."
He looks crestfallen.
"Ow! Ow!" I whinge. "Oh man! I have DEFINITELY sprained the heck out of my ankle, though!" I lie encouragingly.
"I'll HEAL you! I'll HEAL you!" he squeals.
And he does. And now he's happy again.
"You're kinda bored these days, huh?" I ask.
"Oh, you have no idea..." He begins and then goes off into a long rambling diatribe about how in the old days he was respected, misunderstood, feared, adored, attacked, revered...a whole host of reactions. "Now, El...now, people have put me in a little box of understanding. They think they have me all figured out! I'm the son of GOD for crying out loud! Figured out. Can you beat that?!?!?"
"I've never been in your position J." I say. "I really don't know how to help you. I wish I knew what to say or do to ease your pain...but...I don't. And I feel bad about that."
He perks up.
"Tsk." Because I walked right into it.
He slams into my shoulder and I allow myself to tumble into the stream.

last night's dream 11/29/09

2009-11-29T08:24:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt that I was getting ready for the presidential inauguration. I had done some great thing that got me an invitation to sit on the dais whilst the new president was sworn in. I was standing in my closet and I was in a panic because the more I looked the more apparent it became that I owned NOTHING even remotely acceptable for such an important and serious event. I kept flicking through my wardrobe thinking, "When did I buy THIS?!?!?" And I'm looking at these, well, really nice quality pasty and g-string sets, tutus in darn near all the colors of the rainbow, dominatrix outfits, including some very strange rubber and latex stuff, a clown costume, and three, count them!, three nurses uniforms from the 1940's complete with cape and cap. There was a set of scrubs with a kitten motif, a "Punk Sucks" t-shirt that I made in the 80's and was sure had disintegrated off my body back in `92, a "Kiss the Cook" apron, and a complete Samurai warrior battle armour from the late 1600's. "Hmmm..." I pondered. "Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm." I kept flicking. "Aha!" I shouted. Way at the back of the closet, I had spotted a stunning evening gown of sapphire blue and I thought, "Now, there's the ticket!" When I pulled the dress off the rack I saw that it had no back. I don't mean low...I mean like it stopped at the sides. No back. What-so-ever. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. And I thought, "Oh, come on now!" I kept turning it around thinking, I don't know, that a back was going to be there somehow. But no. No. I put the dress on. It looked absolutely smashing from the front. Absolutely. Then I spun around and...well, there you have it. Bare naked Elliott butt. "That's not going to fly..." I reflected thoughtfully. So I got all "Project Runway" and began cutting up some of the more demure latex stuff and stitching it to the dress. When I was done I had a pretty exciting haute couture-ish frock on my hands. There was even a bustle made from various tutus. I got all dolled up and heard the limo beep, beep its horn and I smiled as I took one last twirl in the mirror. All I had to do was slap on some shoes and I was ready to go...then I opened the shoe closet with a flourish, peeked inside and began to weep.

Last night's dream 11/26/09

2009-11-26T08:57:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt I was walking in the woods and then suddenly it was dark. Behind me a voice said, "Here. Here's a flashlight." I took the flashlight. It was the kind you have to crank to make work. So I'm cranking away and it's producing this amazing beam of light that has colors in it and every once in a while a little lightning burst that zigzags across the beam. "This is so cool!" I exclaim as I crank. "Where did you get it?" "Sharper Image." she says. "No. That's not true..." she continues. "Best...Tar...Wa....hmmm...I MADE it for you." she finally admits. "You MADE this!?!?!" "Yes, for you." I blush. "For me..." I wallow in this. "You've stopped cranking..." she informs me. I crank again and we continue.

Last night's dream 11/24/09

2009-11-24T08:02:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt I was on a quest of some kind. A black man and I had begun by walking out the door of a house. Part of the quest was that I take nothing with me. We stopped at a man's house. This man was one of those guys who had a perpetual yard sale going on in his carport. We were offered food by this man and I pulled out two butter knives and my guide and I ate some steak and then he said it was time to get rid of the knives. So I went to the yard sale man, the merchant, and I asked what I could get for the knives. He pointed to a basket filled with stuff and said, "Anything in the basket..." then he reached over and removed a golden egg shaped Christmas ornament from the basket and set it aside and then said again, "Anything in the basket..." Other men appeared around the table and they started pulling things out of the basket and commenting on these items. Several glass salt shakers came out of the basket and the men lined them up. Each was filled with salt and most were clear but there was a pale, pale pink one that was so very pale that I had to keep asking myself, "Is it clear or pink?" The merchant agreed to give me six of the salt shakers in exchange for the two butter knives. One of the knives was sterling but several of the salt shakers had sterling tops so I felt the deal was good. I took the salt shakers, wrapped them in styrafoam and then in a green felt cloth and headed over to two small cots that the guide and I were going to sleep in that night. I began to tell the guide about the salt shakers and my plan to leave them somewhere whilst we were questing and to pick them up again on the return trip. Before I could speak the guide said angrily, "What have you DONE? What have you DONE girl?!?! Now, not only do you have this book", and he held up a book and waved it around, "but now you have these things as well?!?! What are you thinking? This is not a game! We are on a quest. The only rule I had for you was to bring nothing. Nothing!" and he stormed away from me. I began to cry with shame. Eventually the guide returned and said, "Come on...we need to get hot water for the tea." We headed over to the back door of the merchant's home and knocked on an aluminum screen door. The merchant came to the door and the guide asked for hot water for tea. As he turned I blurted, "Ex..ex...excuse me, sir!" He turned and through sobs I asked if I might return the salt shakers and in return for the knives if it might be possible for him to mail the book back home for me. Both the merchant and the guide smiled and the guide embraced me and kissed my face.

Last night's dream 11/21/09

2009-11-21T08:30:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud, Nigel, and I were on the road again. We were driving to Norway to see the Northern Lights. Rosebud was cranky in the crate, Nigel was sleeping. I was playing Brandi Carlile on the CD player and singing at the top of my voice. That's about when the cop pulled us over. I was fumbling to find the registration in a lunchbox on the front seat when the officer tap, tap, tapped on the window. I had shut off the car so I couldn't roll down the window so I held up a finger to let him know that I was going to start the car and roll down the window. Well, I had injured my pointer finger and so I used my middle finger to alert the policeman that I was going to be a minute. That gesture got me, "OUT OF THE CAR, MA'AM! RIGHT NOW! OUT!" So I opened the door and stepped out. The officer's sharp intake of breath told me that something probably wasn't quite normal. I looked down to find I had on a pair of rubber pink pasties and a little rainbow fringe g-string and a pair of KILLER, and I can't stress this enough, KILLER Louboutin pink satin heels with a gigantic bow on the back. "I..." I sputtered and handed him my license and registration and insurance card and for some reason my mortgage paperwork and Nigel and Rosebud's notebook on their complete history, my Social Security card, a library book from the back seat on whales that Nigel was reading, and a discourse on the butch/femme roles of lesbians that I had borrowed from a friend. The officer dumped everything on the ground but the license, glanced at it and said, "Elliott...Elliott, Elliott, Elliott. What would Father Flanigan say?" and I burst into tears. He comforted me and I was really at a loss because I had no idea who Father Flanigan was, I wasn't Catholic, and I wasn't really ashamed of the costume because on second look I found that I had the body of the 20 year old Elliott and well, frankly, I was rocking those pasties and g-string like you would not believe. Plus I couldn't get over the shoes. Finally I was all out of tears and I said, after sneaking a peek at his name tag, "Officer Flynn, what did I do?" He replied, "Remember back about a hundred miles you were in Pit, Nebraska?" "Wha..?" "Think! Elliott, Think! Pit! It's important!" But I couldn't remember Pit. So Flynn continued, "You were in Pit and you stopped in a thrift store and you bought a black sweater and a mug that said, "Kiss Me I'm the Pope" on the side. I said, "Officer Flynn, I'm sorry but what is it with all these Catholic references? I mean, you know by now that I'm not religious that I know very little about Catholicism and yet here I am seemingly embroiled in some Irish Catholic drama I know nothing about." And Officier Flynn patted me on the shoulder and he said, "It's not you we're after...it's HIM." and he pointed to Nigel sleeping in his crate in the back of the Prius. "WHAT!?!?" I said starting to feel around my hips looking for, obviously, the gun I usually carried there. I glanced into the car and saw it laying on the seat. It was a Nerf ball gun and of little use in this situation. Officer Flynn said, "He's the ONE. He's the next Dalai Lama and we Catholics have been ordrered to stop him. He mustn't lead the Buddhists or things on Earth will change in ways you and I can't even imagine!" I was struck dumb. Officer Flynn had his gun drawn and me in handcuffs before I was able to react. I stood numbly while he handcuffed my feet and set me down by the side of the road. I was crying like mad and offering anything I could think of to stop Flynn from taking Nigel. "My retirement fund!" I yelled, "It's dwindled over the years but it's your Flynn, ALL YOURS...you could take the wife and go to Mexico and live FOREVER!" I wasn't really sure the money would last forever but if the market continued to improve, who knew? Stocks were always a gamble anyway and if he had a good financial advisor he could make that money last! "I will give you my financial advisor too!" I screamed. Flynn had removed his officer uniform to reveal some kind of Bishop or Cardinal's attire...who knows? I'm NOT Catholic! I was flailing around all over the place as Flynn holstered his gun and began to unzip the crate Nigel was in. I could see Nigel asleep and Rosebud next to him with her headphones on, reading a Vogue magazine. Then I saw her swivel one hairy eyeball at Flynn and her tail flicked. Flynn ignored her and I felt some hope welling up. She flicked her tail again and got up and did a deceptively languid stretch. Then, just as Flynn's meaty hands were encircling Nigel, Rosebud released her fury. Ten razor sharp claws (how, I don't know, I had just trimmed them the day before) sunk into Flynn's flesh, 32 (or however many teeth cats have) dagger edged teeth sunk into his pasty arm and Flynn released Nigel and yanked back, Rosebud still attached. He danced around with Rosebud doing this quite elegant Ninja-esque attack on his entire being. She got both his arms, his fleshy neck, and his face. Once she had him on the ground in a puddle of his own blood and sweat she strolled over, removed her headset, I could still here X playing through the little buds, and uncuffed me. "Fucking organized religion..." she sighed. I said, "Hey, young lady, watch the language." but she could tell by my beaming that she had done well. She headbutted me and bit my earlobe. We got back in the car and I gunned it out of there. Nigel woke up and said, "Mom, can we go there?" I said, "Where son?" and he said, "What that man said, to the Deli with the lambs. Can I pet the lambs?" I said, "Whereever you want to go little Holiness..."

Last night's dream 11/20/09

2009-11-20T14:04:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt there was a pig and a bee in a pink bed. That's all I'm saying. The rest is pretty X rated, even for farm animals.

Last night's dream 11/19/09

2009-11-19T10:13:00.001-08:00

Last night I dreamt that an owl got into bed with me and snuggled up under the covers. It looked into my eyes with its deep brown ones and tilted its head to the side then shook it gently in a "no no" motion. Then it touched my cheek with one of its wings and placed its face against mine. I couldn't move. There was a bubble of energy surrounding us and I was transfixed by the gentle flow and ebb of our breaths. The owl moved its head back to look into my eyes again and I felt myself melting. It began to expand and when it reached five foot nine and three quarter inches it stopped. I thought, "Oh it's you!"

Last night's dream 11/17/09

2009-11-17T09:42:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt some pretty steamy stuff that I really can't write about in a blog. Let's just say there was a lot of skin and rubbing and ooohing and aaaahhhing and ohmygodding going on and it was better than swimming in a tub of ice cream in an insulated suit!

Last night's dream 11/15/09

2009-11-15T07:44:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt I was a judge for pies at State Fairs. I would travel from fair to fair and judge the pies. The judging was supposed to be like wine tasting. I was supposed to take a bite of pie and chew a little and then spit it into a bucket and nibble a saltine to clear my palette before tasting the next pie. I started to cheat almost immediately and swallow the bites of pies. I was a basket case. I was very afraid I would get caught and lose the job and I really needed the money. I kept telling myself, "Just spit it out. Go back to the rules." But being a Gemini there would always be an argument.
"Just spit it out. Go back to the rules."
"Screw you. This pie is GOOD!"
"You NEED this job. Spit into the bucket."
"Mmmmmm. PIE!"
"Spit. Spit. SPIT!"
"Blueberry and hmmmm what is that secret ingredient?!"
"For the LOVE OF GOD woman! Spit!"
"Is that cardamom?"
The evil Elliott was winning the war. My teeth were stained blue from the blueberry pies and I had gained 30 pounds. Finally I couldn't take it anymore I realized I was on a spiral going down, down, down. So I went to management. Management was really "Management", the guy from the show Carnivale. I said, "I have to get out of the pie judging biz. Is there anything open at the petting zoo?"
"Can you grow a beard?"
"No, I..." but I reached up and darned if I didn't feel a five o'clock shadow! "Yes, sure. I...yeah."
"Ok, ok. I'll give you a few days to grow it out and then you can take the Bearded Lady gig. It's either that or the fat lady."
"The...what?!?!...Oh my god..."
So I went home and sat around eating pies because I have no willpower. After 3 days I was walking around with an amazing ZZ-Topish beard that I stroked lovingly every few minutes. A nervous twitch of sorts.
I didn't know if it was a promotion or a demotion but now I sat on a chair and told stories about my beard to little snotty nosed kids and their bored parents.
I still argued with myself.
"You left behind PIES...PIES....for THIS?!?!?"
"I think I've lost 6 ounces..."
"Remember those coconut cream ones that I swear were a foot high?"
"Six ounces may not sound like much but I think my jeans are fitting a little looser..."
"Then there were the chocolate pies and the rhubarb ones and the mixed berry..."
"And six ounces today COULD turn into a whole pound by the end of the week."
"Remember that one in that little town in Oklahoma? What the hell was it...not sweet potato pie...not quite pumpkin...maybe a mix? I gave that gal two blue ribbons it was THAT good!"
I would usually begin to cry at that point and have to close down my tent until I could gather myself back together.
Finally Management came over and sat me down.
"Look honey, this bearded gig isn't working for you. It's either the fat lady tent or back to the pies."
"PIES!" I shouted before I could stop myself. And pies it was. That is until the bi-plane pilot joined us and I realized my true calling. Wingwalker.

Last night's dream 11/13/09

2009-11-13T08:05:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt I was having a New Year's Eve party. I had invited so many people that I didn't have any bowls or platters to put the massive amounts of hors d'oeuvres in. So I went to the hardware store and purchased garbage cans and thought I was very cool and that it would be trendy and industrial and hip. But when I got home and put the guacamole in the galvanized can it looked totally stupid. So I had to shovel it back out and the gorgeous green color was starting to tinge with brown so I was hauling out the lemon juice and squirting it all over the place because I was getting very nervous because I still hadn't figured out my food dilemma and I still had to dress and then I was worried that no one would come and that led to examining my entire life and playing with the edges of low self-esteem while still shoveling guac out of the garbage can. "Get CONTROL!" I thought wildly, "Get some frickin' control here!" I opened a drawer and found to my relief some blow up bowls that I had forgotten all about. I blew up the biggest bowl, which was a lime green, and the guac fit in it just fine and I was nearly in tears with relief. Then I blew up another bowl and it was blue and I put in the seventeen bags of blue corn chips into that bowl and it looked marvelous! "I'm on a roll! A roll!" I chortled. The next bowl was a lovely yellow and cut up yellow peppers fit perfectly into that. A red bowl held what appeared to be a never ending supply of raspberries. I blew up the next bowl and it was white. I went up stairs to the bathroom because I had used the tub to whip the cream and I filled the white bowl with the whipped cream and placed that next to the berries. "It's aaaalllll starting to come together!" I thought and my heart rate was slowing and I was actually starting to act fairly normal again. I went up to get into my fetching cocktail dress for the party. When I opened the closet I found an entire colony of ferrets. "Oh. Hey. No ."I began and they responded by docking and clucking until they realized I was not there to welcome them warmly then they began to screech and bark in terror and excitement. "Dang it! Dang it now!" I was flummoxed.
I just stood there and then the hissing in annoyance started and once one of them got going there was no stopping the entire colony. So here I am standing in the doorway naked and there they are all over my clothes hissing and some even started waving their little fists at me. "Just what I need!" I thought, "A colony of ferrets! Tsk." I glanced at the clock and realized guests would be arriving shortly. I would have to deal with the ferrets later. And of course by then I was becoming really fond of them even though they were hissing and waving their little fists at me in anger. "They are SO DAMN CUTE!" I thought. "Where's my dress?" and then I saw that my special, perfect-for-the-party-I-actually-look-kinda-hot-in-this cocktail dress was laying in a heap on the floor and ferret babies were asleep in the folds. "Crap." "Oh my god they are so adorable!" "It's the perfect dress..." "Oh! One opened her eyes!" "I have to move them, gently, to any other dress in the world, but I have to move them off THE dress...I am not moving them. They are asleep! Oh! How cute are they?!?!" So I closed the door and the only clothes outside the closet were a plaid skirt that was a size too small and my old Microsoft t-shirt that was ripped and worn and was over 20 years old. I put those on and slammed my feet into a fabulous pair of Faryl Robin's that I found on my dresser. Nothing matched and I looked like hell except for from the ankles down. From the ankles down I killed! I went to run a comb through my hair but one look in the mirror told me I was bald. So I taped a pink bow to my forehead and waited for the doorbell to ring.

Last night's dream 11/11/09

2009-11-11T07:14:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt that I was in math class in high school. All these young kids surround me and I think, "Wow...was I like THAT when I was in high school? Surely not. I HAD to have been more mature than these kids..." Then the teacher walks in and immediately starts writing this HUGE algebra problem on the board and all the kids kind of quiet down, except for the two really giggly girls in the back who keep texting and whispering, as the rest of the class stays focused on the board and starts scratching out the problem on their lined tablets with number two pencils. I think, "Quaint!" The teacher suddenly whirls around and throws a pencil at the two girls in the back and that pencil goes right past MY head and just about takes out an EYE! I am so...insulted! I start to loudly complain and I get out, "HE...(part of "hey you stupid bastard!") but then I look at the teacher's face and realize he is the Devil and I decide not to let it bother me. "Go to your Zen place..." I gently tell myself. The Devil turns around and continues writing out this massive problem on the board after he confirms that the two girls have settled down and are focused only on algebra...although I know that one of them continues to text under her desk while she looks up at the board all innocent and concerned. The Devil FINALLY stops writing and smacks the the chalk down HARD on his desk. Then he says, "Pop quiz. You have 10 minutes to complete this problem." Then he sits down, takes out a Reader's Digest and starts reading Humor in Uniform. I think, "Oh crap!" because I haven't even been copying the problem down because after all I was in my late forties and I was both past algebra and algebra was beyond me. So I frantically start writing the problem down and the tip of my pencil snaps off and I have to go to the front of the room really close to the Devil to sharpen it on one of those really old bolted-into-place pencil sharpeners and I think fleetingly, "These pencil sharpeners are really cool...I should get one for the house..." before I realize I really, really need to FOCUS or I'm going to get an F and who knows what the consequences are! So I kind of skip/run back to my desk and really get busy copying the problem down. The Devil stands up and starts ERASING the problem! I'm like, "What the f...." and I'm looking around at the kids but they have all copied the problem down AGES ago and half of them have finished the problem and are staring out the window or trying to look at their text messages without getting caught or making pen ink tattoos on their arms. I have about a quarter of the problem copied and then poof it's gone. Gone. I think, "Panic now?" Then I think, "No...don't panic. Pretend to be cool. I'm SO NOT cool! That's okay...you are just pretending to be cool you don't actually have to BE cool. Just don't be the opposite of cool. So what? You fail the pop quiz. You are not a heroin addict. You do not have small children in some third world country sew your garments...well, you might actually without knowing. You know I really should KNOW which brands do that shit and stop buying those brands. I wonder if there is an Internet site that has a list and what if I buy it in a thrift store? Does that count? Well, yes, it WOULD count because you are still wearing that brand and..." and then the eraser hits me in the head and the Devil repeats, "The board, Night, please proceed to the board." And I realize I have been called on to complete the problem at the board. So I stroll up and while I'm walking up I am thinking, "Do I just write a bunch of crap up there and pretend I know what I'm doing or do I just turn and tell the Devil, "Hey I got nothin' here." or do I say I have to go to the bathroom and call someone from the stall like a lifeline call or do I turn and tell the old guy that I don't even CARE about algebra and I'm in my forties and what the hell...when did I ever use algebra in my real life? I own a calculator for Pete's sake!" and while all this is going on I realize I have reached the board and I'm standing there and the room is dead silent and the Devil is so close I can feel his hairy breath on my shoulder and I "tsk" and pick up the chalk and...and then I glance to my right and there's the Virgin Mary and she's wearing a baseball uniform and she's giving me a thumbs up and saying, "You can DO it!" over and over and I think, "Crap! No I CAN'T." So I just write the number seven on the board and draw a big circle around it and slam the chalk down on the Devil's desk and walk back to my desk and sit down and cross my one leg over my knee and slouch and even pull out a toothpick from somewhere and casually place it in the corner of my mouth. I look up just in time to see the Devil turn into a pile of red dust at the front of the classroom. Then the bell rings.

Last night's dream 11/10/09

2009-11-10T07:15:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt I was in the "bad" part of town. For some reason I had paid this gang $300 for a sightseeing tour of the area but they weren't sightseeing me anywhere they were doing their drug money pick up run and buying stolen goods from the trunks of cars. I was getting pretty frustrated but what could I do? They were, after all, gangstas. After we had stood around the back of a black bruised Buick for about 30 minutes I just could not take it anymore and I demanded my money back. They laughed. I told them if they didn't give me my money back I was going to follow them everywhere and talk and talk and talk and talk and then I started talking and talking and talking and they realized that I wasn't joking. One of the guys pulled back his jacket and flashed a gun but for some reason I just kept right on talking "Ohyeahmanlikeagunisgoingtostopthisstreamofconsciousnesswhynotjustgivememydamnthreehundreddollarsbackmotherf*ckerandwecangoourseparatewaysbutwithoutthatgreenI'mhangingwithmyboysFOREVERmanandImeanthatImeanthatImeanthatshowmemoregunsmanshowmeallthegunsIwillcreateasongaboutgunsandsingittoyouoverandoverandovermaybeI'llstartnowwanttohearmygunjamnowmybrothers? And so on. Finally they all do the fabulous defeated "tsk" sound and hand over my money. I walk away triumphant but I'm shaking like a leaf.

Last night's dream 11/08/09

2009-11-08T11:08:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt that I finally got that pair of Loubouton's that I had been drooling over. The ones with the 4 inch heels that I convinced myself would somehow be not only easy to walk in but comfortable for two hours. "I can wear any shoe that is comfortable for two hours!" I convinced myself forcefully. But when they arrived they came in a size 9 instead of 6. I called the factory and they yelled a bunch of French at me and hung up. I then received a package in the mail. It was a foot stretcher and a manual about 3 inches thick in French. I did a bunch of "tsk" sounds and then I started typing a paragraph at a time into an automated translation website. The text was very philosophical and profound. But basically it said, "This is going to be painful but worth it. Many people will like you much better when you are in your Louboutin's than like you now. You will have a much more sparkling personality and you will delight people with your wit and charm. So get your feet into the excruciatingly painful stretchers and get to work!" So I sat on the couch with tears streaming down my cheeks as the stretchers worked their magic. It wasn't until after I had gotten up to an 8 that I realized none of my other shoes would ever fit again. Thank goodness I still hadn't bought the Prada's!

Last night's dream 11/07/09

2009-11-07T08:41:00.001-08:00

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud, Nigel and I were going to the Gay Pride Festival. Rosebud had on a torn T-shirt that just said PRIDE on it in big black letters and a pair of really adorable black combat boots. Nigel had on pink Hello Kitty sneakers and a rainbow tutu. I had on a Xena warrior outfit for some reason. As is usual, the cats were walking upright. Rosebud had on her MP3 player and I could here Cheryl Crow blasting out of her ears. "You are going to go deaf young lady..." I started. "What?" she replied and I took the bait and said again, "You are going to..." then I saw her snickering. Nigel was humming YMCA and carrying one of his Q-Tip sticks with the fluffy ends removed.
"Why is the guy going to have a good time at the Y, Mom?" he asked.
"What honey?"
"The guy, Mom, the guy! The young man..."
"Oh, well, because he can find many ways to have a good time."
"Like what?"
"Well...honey...he can get himself clean and have a good meal..."
"Oh! I like a good meal, Mom!"
"Oh hon, I know you do..."
"What else can he do at the Y, Mommy?"
"He can make real his dreams."
"I want to make real MY dreams..."
"That's great Nigel! I wouldn't expect less from you."
"Mom, do YOU want to go to the Y and make real your dreams?"
And then I woke up. But the answers is yes. I would love to make real my dreams.

Last night's dream 11/02/09

2009-11-02T09:31:00.000-08:00

Last night I once again dreamt I was making spaghetti. The pot was the size of a Volkswagen. It was over a big bonfire out in a parking lot. I had to climb up on a rickety old wooden ladder to get to the pot. First I filled it with water from a hose. I had to chase a couple of ducks off the water when they mistook it for a small pond. The water heated pretty quickly. I was pleasantly surprised by this and even remember thinking, "Well...that's a pleasant surprise! Must have been the salt." See I had been told by my Mom that salt will bring water to a boil more quickly than unsalted water. So I had thrown in a 5 lb. bag of salt when the pot was filling. Next I had to get the spaghetti in there. Now it was regular size so this was going to be the really hard part. How to get the spaghetti in there all at once so that it finished cooking at the same time. While the water was getting ready to boil I was frantically opening package after package of spaghetti. I asked Rosebud and Nigel to help but they just walked past me and Rosebud said, "I'm taking Nigel to the Ferris Wheel...you know we like to be up high." So I let them go realizing, "Oh, I'm cooking spaghetti for the folks at the Fair. Good enough!" Anyway, I'm opening all these packages of spaghetti and I'm putting the spaghetti on a sheet. I've got a big dumpster near me and I'm hefting the empty
packages into the dumpster and...I'm whistling. I'm whistling "In-A-Gada-da-vida", I'm doing a pretty righteous job of it, too! The sheet gets stacked higher and higher with this uncooked spaghetti and then I hear the water start to boil. I jump up on the rickety ladder and check and sure enough, these huge bubbles are coming to the surface and going "POP!". It was cool! I hurriedly climb back down the ladder and start to gather the four corners of the sheet together. I get it all together and man, that thing is packed with uncooked spaghetti! Then I climb up the ladder and heft the whole thing into the boiling pot of water. I only meant to throw in the pasta but the sheet got stuck and one thing led to another and it ended up in there too and what was I to do? So I got an oar and started stirring the spaghetti and I was able to fish out the sheet and it was all sticky with whatever it is that makes cooked pasta kind of slithery. I put the sheet off to the side and wipe my hands off on my apron and I look around but there's no clock and no timer and so I start counting thinking, "Well, that's okay, I can count for three minutes...al dente." So I'm counting away and the ducks try to come back and I have to fend them off with the oar and I lose count. Then I'm really mad. So I grab an oarful of the spaghetti and I throw it against an old barn and it sticks and I laugh and yell, "It's ready!"

Last night's dream 11/01/09

2009-11-01T09:05:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt that I was in a white truck. The truck was "tricked out" so that the driver's seat was actually the passenger's seat turned sideways so that the entire truck drove down the road sideways. Needless to say this freaked out anyone else on the road. So I'm driving this truck down the road and before long many, many cop cars come along and not only siren up behind me but screech to a blasting halt in front of me blocking my path. Everyone is being very melodramatic and pulling guns...including, I realize with chagrin, me. I have what appears to be a pistol from probably a gunslinger and it is in my hands and it is pointed in the general direction of many a uniformed officer. I realize this is not my best action and think, "Why didn't I just get out my license and registration?!?!" I think, "Why don't I think before I act? What is it with this impulsive behavior? Is it really SERVING me?" and then I think, "No, it is not serving me and now I am in a pickle and the law is about to shoot many, many holes into me and all because of this dang truck." Then I sigh and I yell, "This here truck is loaded with explosives boys so I'd put those guns right the hell down if I was you!" and I think "Oh for heaven's sake! Am I NOT already in enough trouble? MUST I cause an even bigger ruckus?!?!?" The cops all look at each other waiting for someone in charge to make "the call" and tell them either to blast away at me or to "stand down". "Stand down!" some guy yells with authority and they do. Every one of those cops holsters their weapons and then they start milling around over by their cars because really, it's a small town not some cop TV show and they have never dealt with not only a truck driving sideways down the road but a loony with explosives. I think, "I don't really have explosives..." and then I glance in my rearview mirror and damn it! I do have a truck load of explosives. "Oh, for the love of....!" I think. Then I do a lot of "Tsk." noises because I can't think of anything else to do. "I had to go shoe shopping today, didn't I?" I think as if my desire for shoes was to blame for the strange truck, the cops, and the explosives. We spend about five minutes like that. Me in the cab going "Tsk. (pause) Tsk. (pause) Tsk, tsk." and the cops kind of milling around. I hear some scraps of conversation...they are mostly talking about some sports or Survivor or how uncomfortable their bulletproof vests are. "They are!" I think too and look down to find I am wearing one of the vests. I glance in the mirror again and I have on a COP baseball cap. I can't even recall the number of "Tsks" I make at this point. Then the passenger door is yanked open and Neil Diamond hops in. "Hey!" he says. "Hey, Neil." I say. "Don't get discouraged..." he says, "These things happen..." "Yeah...you're rig..." I begin and then, "No! No, Neil! They don't HAPPEN. Am I a COP? Am I not a cop?!?! Who's truck is this? Why am I driving it? Where is the shoe store anyway? I usually order online!" I look over and Neil is pointing a tazer at me. "You're a little out of control today young lady." he says and tazers the crap out of me.

Last night's dream 10/30/09

2009-10-30T08:46:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt I was heading back to Bisbee. I was camping out as I went and it was taking a few weeks to get there. One day I was in a store and I found a little box that had other little boxes inside it. I decided to buy it. I carried it around the store and would set it down to look at other things and then pick it back up. I was very interested in one display--but now I can't remember what it was. I kept opening the box that I had decided to buy because I couldn't remember what was inside. At one point I opened it and one of the smaller boxes inside now had a dent in it. I said, "Tsk." I can't remember if I ever bought the box but the next thing I know I am outside in a field and getting ready to set up my tent. I set it up and crawl in and fall asleep. When I wake up I am laying on one of those camp blow up mattresses that is about an inch thick and about 2 feet wide. It is orange. There is no tent. I am just laying on that thing with a bath towel over me. I look around and all these hippies are waking up and crawling out of their tents. The next thing I know I am in a van, again headed for Bisbee. There is another woman in the back of the van with me and two women in the front of the van separated from us. The van stops and we all pile out and we are on the beach. I say, "What beach is this?" and Someone walking past says, "It's L.A.! Man! It's L.A.!" I open a magazine I have been carrying around. There is a contest in the magazine that is something like this...Jennifer Aniston has created a website and if you can catch her cruising her own website you win....something...I am not sure what the prize was...so I keep flipping through this magazine for clues and then I keep surfing the Internet on a computer that has magically appeared...then disappears and appears again. Now I have the magazine and am flipping around and this guy walks up and asks what I'm doing and I tell him about the contest and he obviously thinks it's the stupidest thing he's heard of. It turns out he's the husband of one of the women who was in the cab of the van. He's looking for her so that he can apologize. We walk up to a row of doors along the beach and he starts knocking turning to me and saying, "She's probably in one of these beauty parlors." He walks away from the door he has just banged on to bang on one about a half a block away. I am standing there when a woman comes to the door. I start to explain but she interrupts me to say, "They had a fight, huh?" I say, "Yeah, looks that way..." She tells me she is getting a dye job on her hair. "I'm tired of looking old..." She says. I say, "How old are you?" She replies, "95." I start to laugh..."Well, if there was any time to look old it would be at 95, wouldn't it?" Then I tell her, "You look like you are in your 60's...after the dye job they are going to start carding you again!" She likes this a lot and laughs and grabs my arm.

Last night's dream 10/26/09

2009-10-26T07:24:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud, Nigel and I were doing an aerobics workout DVD. Rosebud was standing on her hind legs in black sneakers that she bent down and pressed a button on and they pumped up. She picked up the cutest tiny set of black barbells and then kind of gave me the hairy eyeball. I said, "Wait for your brother..." Nigel was still struggling to put on his pink sneakers and Rosebud finally dropped her dumb bells with a litttle clunk and put his sneakers on the right feet for him and then tied them and pushed their little button to pump them up for him. He leapt to his back feet and started walking around mewing pathetically. Rosebud hissed, "They're behind the chair..." and Nigel went behind the chair and found his even more adorable little pink barbells. They both stood in front of the screen waiting for me to hit the start button. I was on the couch with a festive alcoholic beverage in my hand. We were all ready to work out.

Last night's dream 10/25/09

2009-10-25T07:37:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that a deer with an owl on it's back came into the bedroom and laid down on the bed next to the cheetah with a buzzard on it's back which was cuddled up next to a monkey with a gull on it's back. On the other side of the bed was a dolphin with a blowfish on it's back and a cow with a heron on it's back. There was a wolf with a hummingbird on it's back and an elk with a chinchilla on it's back. Rosebud and Nigel were there too. I thought, "Man, I gotta get a king size bed or this is NEVER going to work! And who the hell is snoring?!?!?"

Last night's dream 10/21/09

2009-10-21T06:54:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I was the same size as Nigel and Rosebud. It was dinner time and I had a heck of a time opening their can of cat food but they were pretty insistant that I find a way and since I didn't have their claws and teeth, (yes!, they were prepared to use them against me), I had no choice but to use my ingenuity. Making espresso was a bitch but talk about worth it! The world's largest cup of coffee! Using the toilet was frankly kind of scary. The tub was great though, Olympic o-shympic. When it came time to play chase those cats really wore me out. Just because I was their size didn't mean I possessed their abilities. So while Nigel could leap off the top of the stairs and hurl himself through the air to the bottom, I had to take them one by one. Needless to say I got pinned to the ground quite a bit and both cats, more than once, clamped my delicate neck in their jaws. Thank goodness we all knew we were only playing. Now grooming time was another story and I had to run and jump into a cupboard when I saw those tongues coming at me. Nap time was the best! We'd form a little pig pile in the middle of the bed cozied up in a blanket and all three of us would purr and purr and purr.

Last night's dream 10/18/09

2009-10-18T09:23:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I was eating chocolate out of a big bag. Each chocolate was the shape of something and I had to name it before I ate it or the chocolate would turn into broccoli in my mouth. Uncooked. So I was sitting there watching "The Mentalist" and saying, "Barn." and then I would eat the little chocolate barn. I had to be pretty specific. If I said, "House." and it was a barn I would get uncooked broccoli. So I had to examine each chocolate fairly closely. If it was hard to tell what it was I would say, "Shoe?" then take a little nibble at the toe area. If I was right I got chocolate, wrong, the evil broccoli. But then I had the chance to correct it "Sneaker." and get the rest of the piece in soothing chocolate. I had to pause the show several times since some of the pieces had melted a little in the Palm Springs summer night. When I had gotten three broccoli's in a row I realized that the melting had reached a critical juncture. I quickly put the bag of chocolates in the fridge, but it was too late, they were contorted to the point of unrecognizability. It was no fun the next day to sit on the couch peering and peering at a chunk of disfigured chocolate and guessing and guessing and guessing at what it might have been.

Last night's dream 10/17/09

2009-10-17T09:18:00.001-07:00

Last night I dreamt I was shooting fish in a barrel. It was not as easy as they say.

Last night's dream 10/16/09

2009-10-16T07:54:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt I was in a Gypsy's tent sitting on these cushions at a low table. There were tarot cards scattered face down all over the table. A young girl came in carrying an ornate metal tray and set it down in front of me. There was a cup of coffee and a creamer and a sugar bowl with a lid. And a small white spoon. I thanked the young girl and she moved away. I poured what must have been heavy cream, it was so thick, into the coffee and gave it a taste. It was a little bitter so I lifted the lid off the sugar bowl. Inside were tiny squarish bones. I gave a little soft "tsk". I tasted the coffee again but there was no way I could drink it as it was. I had to sweeten it. So I lifted the little white spoon and it gave off this little whistle sound. I dug into the little bowl of bones and two landed on the bowl of the spoon. I held them over the coffee wondering if this was going to improve things or make them worse. I dumped the bones into the coffee and gave them a gentle stir with the whistling spoon. I set the spoon down and tasted the coffee. It was perfect! I thought seriously about stealing some of those little bones for later. I wondered what kind of bones they were. I felt guilty for thinking of stealing them. I tasted the delicious coffee again. Before I knew it the coffee cup was empty. I waited a while just looking around. Then I began fiddling with the whistling spoon. Eventually the young girl came in and took the spoon away from me along with all the coffee stuff and the tray. I clasped my hands together and rolled my thumbs over each other over and over. I thought about my shoes. I reached for my cell phone to check the time but I didn't have it on me. Finally I gathered all the tarot cards together and shuffled them up real good. Then I thought of a question and flipped one over. It was blank. "Well, that blows." I thought and stuck it back in the deck. I shuffled again and thought of a question and turned one over. It was blank. "Oh, har de har har." I thought ticked off. I put it back in the deck and shuffled. Then I turned the cards over and rifled through them. They were all there. The last card was the blank one. I thought about setting it to the side but that didn't feel right. I turned the cards over and shuffled a few times and thought of a question and turned over a card and it was blank. Then I picked a second card and turned it over. It was blank. Then a third. Blank. I put them back in the deck and turned the entire deck over. All the cards were there, one blank at the very end. I set the deck down and turned over one card from the top. Blank. Then another and another. All blanks. So I gathered them all together and turned them back over and shuffled them a bit. Then I set them in the middle of the table and saw that one of the little bones has fallen out of the sugar bowl and was laying on the table. I put that on top of the deck. The drapes at the front of the room parted and a nervous man walked in carrying a hat in his hands. "Are you the one that can tell my future?" he asked. I shifted my eyes around the room and realized that hell yes, I was the fortune teller! I gestured for the man to sit. I took the bone off the deck and popped it into my mouth. "Shuffle." I commanded.

Last night's dream 10/9/09

2009-10-09T09:31:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I was in the Amazon forest and I was trying to get a date with a member of this tribe chief's family. I didn't speak the language and no one spoke English so we were trying to communicate with pictures drawn in the sand. I was drawing cocktails to symbolize, "Would you like to go have a drink somewhere?" But from the tribe's reaction I could tell that my little cocktail shaker and glass and two stick figures smiling did not mean the same to them because the next thing you know I'm being trussed like a great big chicken and set up over a bed of coals. I didn't panic though. I simply did one of those little snickey sounds one does to call a horse over and my trusty steed, Marcus, came trotting over. Using his teeth he undid the ropes and then he gently grabbed my clothing in his teeth and carted me a few feet away from the fire then he set me down. I said, "Good boy, Marcus!" Jumped on his back and thundered away. I looked over my shoulder to see the tribe members all standing outside their huts waving goodbye. I thought, "Oh, what the heck!" and wheeled Marcus around. "How hard can it be to draw something we can both understand?" I mused. Later, when I was back on the grill and Marcus was being wooed with fresh fruit by a passel of half naked women I found out just how unwise my optimism could be.

Last night's dream 10/8/09

2009-10-08T09:16:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that everything was purple. I grabbed an orange out of the fruit basket, it was purple. I put on my favorite red lipstick, it was purple. I pet the cats, they were purple. The sun, the sky, the trees, everything in the house, all of me, my friends, money, food, diamonds, poop, water, cars, airplanes, dust, lollipops...everything was purple. And I thought, "Finally!"

Last night's dream 10/7/09

2009-10-07T08:08:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I was on a tour of a dairy factory. It was highly educational and I was well-behaved until we came to the whipped cream area. We were walking past this huge vat and I was so enthralled and I don't know what happened. One minute I'm on the platform looking down into the vat as the tour guide is droning on about how it gets whipped to fluffy perfection, then the next minute I'm flinging myself off the platform and landing in the center of all that creaminess! The factory workers all came running and yelling. I had tainted the entire vat! I didn't care! I kept diving to the bottom of the vat and then opening my mouth and paddling my way to the surface like some whale gorging on plankton. I was able to carry out three dives before being apprehended and pulled out of the vat by the dairy workers. They were disgusted with me but one of them, I could tell, was just a little bit jealous! The cream was all over me, and staying pretty fluffy, as I was escorted out of the building. "Who hasn't fantasized about diving into a vat of whipped cream?!?!?!" I demanded. "Come on! Who? Who!?!?" But no one was talking to me. They were muttering and mad. They would have to swab out the entire vat and begin anew. To my delight I was driving my friend's red truck and I pleaded and begged and finally the dairy workers gave in and they dumped the tainted vat into the back of the truck. I drove home with little puffs of whipped cream flying off the truck. I drove directly to my friend's house to return the truck and discuss how to get the whipped cream into an above ground pool that I had purchased at Wal-Mart on the way home. He was thunderstruck at the whipped cream mountain in his truck. "I will hose it down. I promise I will hose it down. You'll never know it was filled with dairy..." I beseeched. He said, "Even if we shovel it into the pool very gently you are going to lose a lot of volume." "I know. I know. But we can fluff it back up with hand-held mixers, can't we?" I asked hopefully. "It's going to spoil..." Then we looked at each other and said at the same time, "CREME FRAICHE!!!" He spun around towards the house. "I'll grab the buttermilk!" he yelled as I grabbed a shovel and began to gingerly lift the whipped cream from the truck bed into the pool. "Party tonight!" I thought.

Last night's dream 10/03/09

2009-10-03T07:58:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I was sent into the past to uncover some mystery that would help things now in the future. I had a partner with me. When we traveled into the past we were invisible to everyone there. We "beamed" in near a small lake. I peered around a boulder at the edge of the lake and there was Jackie Kennedy (I don't think she was an Onassis yet) in a little rowboat with LBJ. LBJ was leaning forward to tell Jackie something. Other people were walking around the lake and suddenly people started to see hazy outlines of my partner and me. I could tell because we started getting funny looks and people began rubbing their eyes and talking urgently with their friends. Dogs began barking and growling at us. I thought it best to try to make some kind of contact. I walked towards a young couple but they ended up walking through me. I began shouting, "We are from the future! We are in a space / time rift!" But people panicked and began running away. I looked for the small boat on the lake, but it was gone.

Last night's dream 10/02/09

2009-10-02T07:27:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt I was watching "The Closer" on DVD. I was on the couch and flanked by two angels. The opening scene comes on and both angels say, "The husband's secretary..." I didn't get it at first but eventually it dawned on me...that was the killer. So as soon as I figured it out I returned to the menu and just before I started the next episode I said very nicely, "Hey you guys! Don't blurt out the killer! I want to be surprised, okay?" They both nodded and said, "Sure, sure, sure." So I started the second episode and no sooner did the opening scene start then they both yelled, "SISTER!" I paused the DVD and glared at both of them. "Oh, sorry, sorry." "Yeah, uh, sorry...." they muttered and murmured. "I'm going to go make us some popcorn and when I come back I'm going to start the third and LAST episode on this DVD...I want to watch the entire episode without knowing who the killer is unless I FIGURE IT OUT!" I paused for dramatic effect. "Do you understand?" I asked kindly. "Sure, sure, sure." They said in unison. I went out to the kitchen, made the popcorn, and returned with a giant bowl which I held and we all dug into. I looked at each one, staring into their eyes purposefully. They smiled back and gave me the "Got it!" look. I started the DVD and they both screamed, "Jealous Insurance Broker Guy!" I hung my head in defeat. I got up, took out "The Closer" DVD and shut off the TV. We sat in the dark eating popcorn.

Last night's dream 9/29/09

2009-09-29T08:25:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I was watching Lawrence Welk on TV. I was wearing a very loud floral mu mu and fashion pumps. I was drinking a really nice rich delicious coffee milkshake from Coldstone Creamery and I had on big thick reading glasses. Rosebud and Nigel were both up in my ample lap. I glanced over at the clock it was 7:23 pm. Under the clock was the calendar it was 2059. I was 98 years old! I went and looked in the fridge it was packed with tapioca pudding, whipping cream, creme brulee, steaks, butter, sausage, bacon, and club soda. I opened the freezer...lots of meat, shrimp, lobster, puff pastry, and lemon-aide. In the cupboards, several varieties of pasta, Little Schoolboy cookies, butter cookies, a few cans of tuna and then the rest of the cupboards were filled with cat food. I thought, "Wow...that retirement fund I was so worried about running out...I guess it didn't!" I crumbled up some fresh baked chocolate chip cookies in a bowl, poured organic whipping cream in and grabbed a spoon. As I settled in to my rocker and grabbed the remote I thought, "Damn! Life is GOOD!"

Last night's dream 9/28/09

2009-09-28T09:21:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that there was a terrible plague and nearly everyone was sick. Those of us that weren't were playing a festive game of progressive rummy in a high school stadium. The bleachers were filled with sick people who needed something to occupy the time before they keeled over.

Last night's dream 9/27/09

2009-09-27T07:33:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I was at the movies. It was a "chick flick" and I was wondering what I was doing there since my tastes tend toward "indie" films. Nigel and Rosebud stroll in. Both are walking upright and both have a ultra bucket of popcorn and a giant mega super gulp drink. How they hold on to these in their little monkey paws is beyond me, but they manage. Each takes a seat on either side of me. Rosebud pushes her big tub of popcorn into my lap but gives me the hairy eyeball look to let me know that I shouldn't even consider digging in and puts her giant mega super gulp drink into the cup holder. Then she proceeds to shred the back of her seat with her razor sharp claws. "I just clipped you yesterday!" I hiss. "They grow fast...when I want them to..." she replies nonchalantly. Nigel reaches the end of his drink cup and continues to suck through his straw in case he's missed a molecule of soda. People in the theater start to "tsk" and murmur and I quickly pinch the straw to shut off his air supply to the bottom of the cup. "Ooohhhhkaaaayyyyy Nige. Good boy!" I whisper. He completely ignores me and sticks his face into his popcorn and routs around. Rosebud sniffs her popcorn tub and then just holds it in her lap looking despondent. The big scene where the "boy gets the girl" comes on and Nigel freezes. He watches raptly and hangs on every cloyingly sweet word. Rosebud looks up at the ceiling and sighs and puts her bucket down and claws the arm chair a couple of times then curls up and falls asleep. Nigel tugs at my sleeve and whispers, "Will that be me someday Mom? Will I meet that special someone who will compete me?" "Um...you mean complete you honey...well, the reality of it is, son, that no one really needs another person to 'complete' themselves you see...." but Nigel shushes me and points at the screen with his little paw. Now the "girl" is dying and the "boy" is heartbroken and there are tears gushing everywhere and I look over and Nigel has tears streaming down his face and he looks at me confused and scared. "But Mom! They just met and fell in love! What's going on?!?" he asks me. "Honey, it's just a mov..." but he bursts into tears and crawls into my lap and I don't know what to do. He begins to suckle the inside of my elbow and I let him. Other moviegoers start to complain about his loud piglike suckling sounds so I get up and whisper to Rosebud that we are going to the lobby. Rosebud is sacked out on her chair but gives me the honor of opening one eye, slightly, to show that she's heard me. Out in the lobby Nigel gets distracted by...everything...finally, after scratching, pushing, tugging, nuzzling, and pawing at every item in the lobby he comes back over and sits down next to me. "Mom...I want to find my 'Mr. Right'." He informs me, then continues, "How will I ever find him if I can't leave the house except when I'm with you and Rosebud? How will I ever figure out good pick up lines? How will I experiment and explore my sexuality if you and Rosebud are always there? I will never be able to get 'jiggy with it'..." and he bursts into tears again.

Last night's dream 9/24/09

2009-09-24T10:52:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud, Nigel and I went to the roller rink. Nigel had on a pink tutu and pink roller skates with laces that lit up. He had on a little sleeveless vest and on the back it said "Jersey Girl". Rosebud had on black roller blades with chains and nail heads and other tough looking accoutrement. I had on torn jeans and a sports bra, matching Jersey Girl sleeveless vest (I had to. Nigel begged me and when I tried to explain that I thought it was "sissy" clothes his puzzled little face broke my heart and I put the dang thing on.). Rosebud was supposed to be wearing one too, at Nigel's request, but she balled it up and stuffed it between the seats of the car and told Nigel that aliens had stolen it. He was super impressed! So, we are at the roller rink and Rosebud starts playing roller derby and knocking over anyone who stands in her way, which tended to be me and Nigel. After I had been knocked down three times by my darling girl and was beginning to develop bruises I decided to put an end to it. "Rosb..." I began as she flew past me. "Rosebu..." I got out on the next pass. "ROSEBUD!" I yelped as she grabbed Nigel's arm and shouted, "Whip me Sissy Boy, Whip me!" "MOOOOOMMMMMMM!" Nigel yelled not knowing what a whip or a sissy boy was. I skated over as fast as I could and scooped Rosebud up. As tough a derby queen as she is you'd think something as simple as being held would be blase for her. Oh no. Not so. Somewhere in her past lurks a dark secret of some awful offense associated with being held. The nails dig in, she squirms as if she's being tazered, she wails like a...well, I don't know...I've never seen wailing like Rosebud's. "It's okay, it's okay..." I try to soothe her. She digs the nails into the flesh of my unprotected shoulder a little more. "Rosebud...it's okay....really...I just think we need to take a little break..." I skate over to the edge of the rink as quickly as I can and set her down on the carpeted area outside the rink. She immediately starts to sharpen her claws and looks at me highly insulted. I open a can of wet food and scoop it into their bowls and place them near the cats. Nigel digs in snorting like a pig. Rosebud sniffs and starts to slink away but then she sniffs again and actually decides to grace us with a little eating. Five minutes later she throws up all over the carpeted floor. I take off the Jersey Girl vest and clean it up while the roller rink owner glares at me and my inter species offspring. "ROOOLLLLEEERRRRRR COOOOMMMMPPPPEEEETTTIITTTIIIIOOOONNNNNNN!" announces a voice over the loud speaker. Nigel and Rosebud leap up and Rosebud says, "You remember the routine, right Nigel?" and Nigel shakes his head vigorously then whispers to me, "What does "routine" mean, Mom?" before Rosebud grabs his paw and the two of them head out to the floor. A popular Lady GaGa song begins to play and Rosebud and Nigel perform an awesome skate/dance that includes leaping, spinning, wrestling and licking each others butts. The crowd goes wild! The two of them win the big trophy and $500.

Last night's dream 9/23/09

2009-09-23T07:23:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt I was trying on bikinis. It was a very depressing experience. The festive vodka drink I had in the dressing room with me did not help. I felt anything but festive. Nigel kept snickering behind his paw and saying things like, "Cellinite" and "Mom's a chubba bubba" and "Hefty". Rosebud kept mewling pathetically like she was being tortured instead of required to sit quietly in a dressing room for 30 minutes. The changing room clerk kept cruising by asking, "Is everything all right in there?"
"Yes, yes, everything is fine!" I would reply cheerily. "Is EVERYTHING all RIGHT in there?" "Yes, YES, YES! Everything is fine!" "Ma'am! Is EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT IN THERE, REALLY???" "YES! DAMN IT, YES! EVERYTHING IS FINE AND DANDY! MY DAUGHTER IS JUST A DRAMA QUEEN, THAT'S ALL! OH! AND MY SON THINKS MY THIGHS ARE A RIOT!!!! OTHER THAN THAT, WE ARE DANDY IN HERE!!! HOW ABOUT YOU? YOU DANDY?!?!?" The last question asked menacingly. "Ye...yes...I...I'm good!" she replied and scurried back to the safety of her little number cards and reject rack. I tried on the last bathing suit and I don't know what it was...the color, the cut...but it fit incredibly well and made me look...well, fabulous. "Vavoom, Mom!" Nigel exclaimed. "Looks....okay...I guess..." Rosebud allowed. "Can we go noooowwwwwwwww?" she howled just to be Rosebudish. I looked at the price tag. There was a red clearance tag on the bathing suit and the price said "FREE". I put my festive vodka drink in my purse and strolled out in the bathing suit showing the "FREE" tag to all the employees. They took pictures on their cell phones because I suddenly looked so lovely! My bruised ego was resuscitated. I felt great! I walked outside the store. It was snowing.

Last night's dream 9/19/09

2009-09-20T09:57:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I was in a full body cast. Lying in bed. Nothing much happening. Lots of places itched. Couldn't scratch. Something in left eye. Just had to live with it. Dropped the TV remote. Watched "snow" for several hours.

Last night's dream 9/18/09

2009-09-18T09:41:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I Rosebud and Nigel and I went to the mall. Rosebud begged, pleaded, threatened to inappropriately urinate if she didn't get a new sweater (although she refuses to wear clothes) and Nigel wanted a toy. Which meant a trip to the drug store because Nigel only associates Q-tips (with the tips removed) as "toys". They were walking beside me, one on either side, and they were walking on their hind legs. Rosebud had on an MP3 player and was listening to "Hits of the 80's". I knew because she was playing it loud enough that I could hear it walking beside her. "I can hear that music, you know..." I started. "Mom..." she began. "Rosebud, listen..." I continued. "Call Me...on the line...call me, call me, any, anytime..." Rosebud responded. "Rosebud!" I cursed. "Can't Touch This.do, do, dodo, do, do , dodo..can't touch this." Rosebud intoned. "Fenway Rambling Rose!" I said through gritted teeth. That got Nigel's attention. "Oooohhhh, Somebodies in trouble now!" he singsonged delightedly. "Take on me! Take me ooooonnnnn! Take on me!" Rosebud hummed away as if I wasn't turning purple. "Rose..." I sighed and began again. Rosebud slowly reached up and turned down her MP3 player so that now I could only hear mumblings of songs and not the exact words. This time I rolled MY eyes. Nigel saw the Rite Aid sign and got extremely excited, bouncing around, running a few feet ahead and then back again. When we got to the Q-tip aisle he was practically in tears. I pulled down a box of the generic tips and Nigel's face fell. His lower lip started to quiver and he looked at me hurt and puzzled. "Oh for crying out loud..." I sighed under my breath and put the generic back and reached for the blue Q-tip brand box. Nigel's face lit up and that's all I needed to see. My heart melted and I grabbed a second box which sent Nigel into euphoric spins in the middle of the aisle. Rosebud meanwhile had moved on to "Best Opera Aria's". I knew this because the volume had once again been adjusted. I gave her "the look" and the volume went back down. "Okay, sweaters!" I said enthusiastically. "No." Rosebud said. "What?!?..." I began but one look at her majesty's face told me that we were done shopping and it was time to go. "The opera put me in a pensive frame of mind. I need to go home and ponder tragedies." Rosebud shared. So we went home and laid on the bed together, the three of us, pondering tragedies.

Last night's dream 9/17/09

2009-09-17T10:08:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I was at a cocktail party and I looked fabulous but every time I looked in a mirror I was in fishing gear. I would look down at my outfit and see that I had on a lovely black silk velvet cocktail dress with rhinestone accents and fabulous black satin vintage Ferragamo pumps with a coy little black bag that just fit my lipstick and license. I had tender little diamonds in my ears and a strand of luscious pearls around my neck. My nails were this gorgeous maroony red as were my lips. I could tell from examining the lipstick tube. But when I would glance in a mirror, or even the reflection from a window or a glass, I was decked out in fishing gear. I had on big old waders in festive olive green and a plaid shirt and one of those sloppy fishing hats with the flies attached higgledy piggledy around the edges. Instead of my coy little black bag I had one of those big picnic baskety bags that, I don't even know, do you keep the fish in there?!?! And I had one of those big nets too. I'd look down, elegant attire, I'd look at my reflection, "The River Runs Through It". And every time I had a cocktail it would be a cocktail until I looked in the mirror and then it would be a trout. Rainbow. Still flipping around. Martini, trout, martini, trout. My friend walked up to me and said, "There's something different about you tonight...I can't quite put my finger on it..." "Is it the trout?" I whispered hoarsely. She laughed and said, "You'll ruin those shoes in the river Styx!" I didn't like how this was headed so I ordered another trout and gulped it down but it did no good. I still looked like an extra from "On Golden Pond" when I peeped at my reflection. Finally I couldn't take it any more. "I'm going home." I told my friend. "Don't forget this!" She said and handed me an umbrella. In the mirror the umbrella was a big fishing pole, one of those whippy kind that is used for I don't know what kind of fishing but I know it is a special pole. "Great. Yeah. Wouldn't want to forget this baby..." I mumbled and headed out the door. Outside I stepped directly into a river. A passing stork called out, "You know if you catch the RIGHT one you'll have peace of mind..." and it flew away. I looked down to see thousands of salmon in their berserk attempt to swim upstream. I threw my fetching little purse up on the bank of the river, hiked up my dress and started grabbing. Each fish I caught would turn into an appetizer. "Do I eat it? Do I save them up on the bank? Do I put them in the baskety bag thingie?" I pondered. My peace of mind depended on doing the right thing. But I had no idea what the right thing was. The bar door opened and my Mom came out. She was also in fishing gear. She came into the river with me, gave me a kiss, and said, "Watch how I do it honey. Then we'll catch the right one for you." I burst into tears.

Last night's dream 9/16/09

2009-09-16T07:57:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud and Nigel had gotten themselves arrested. They were shoplifting and got caught. I thought it must surely be for some wet food or maybe in Nigel's case a box of Q-tips (his favorite toy once the cotton ends are removed) but no. It was Prada. Rosebud had fallen for a purse and Nigel was going for a leather billfold. It took forever to get into the interrogation room because of course we are not related by blood and since Rosebud was from a shelter there was some question about who she belonged to legally. I sputtered and spouted, "Rosebud doesn't BELONG to anyone!" Then I tried to explain the commitment ceremony that Rosebud, Nigel and I had a few months back. The police didn't want to hear about it. "that's not legal in California..." one officer informed me. Finally, Kyra Sedgwick comes into the room and says, "Who's this?" and the police and I all try to explain at the same time. Kyra says, "The Mother?!?! You're stopping the Mother from going back there?!?!?" But I know it's a Kyra ploy...I've watched too many episodes. When I get back to the interrogation room there is Kyra again with her big purse and there are Rosebud (naked) and Nigel (in a Ralph Lauren polo shirt) with their attorney. "How...what...an attorney?!?! Where...?!?!" I cant' even form a sentence. "Pro Bones." says Nigel conspiratorially. "He's got us pro bones Mom." he tells me very excitedly. "Bono." Rosebud rolls her eyes and corrects. "Sonny?" Nigel asks, having watched more than his share of early 70's TV shows. Rosebud nearly breaks her eyeballs she rolls them so far back in her head. Then she starts to sharpen her nails on the back of one of the interrogation room chairs. "Well, I see you already HAVE an attorney..." Kyra begins. I break in..."What a minute!" Kyra breaks in, "NO! YOU WAIT A MINUTE!" and when I stop she says, "Thank you. Thank you very much...I'd like to hear from Rosebud." Rosebud rolls her eyes and says, "Meow." Kyra gets a little cranked at that and I have to smirk thinking, "Welcome to my world. I look forward to seeing you "close" on Rosebud!" Kyra says, "Well, that's fine Rosebud. You have an attorney and so let me tell YOU the story...." and she launches into this huge compelling story about the body and the murder weapon and where the body was found and the means and the motive until I say, "This is about a Prada abduction! Prada!" Kyra stops cold and looks on the table at the gorgeous Prada bag (bigger than Rosebud herself so how she got it out of the store is beyond me) and the billfold laying on the table. Kyra looks at her own bag on the floor then back at the Prada bag then back at her own sorry bag then back at the Prada. She starts to get upset. I say, "How's Kitty, Kyra?" and she shoots me a hairy eyeball look. I say, "You know, we're going to waive our right to an attorney and since it's a first offense and all, we're just going to..." and I start to gather up Nigel and Rosebud and head for the door. Rosebud looks back at the Prada bag and begins to squirm and I whisper, "Please, please, please my little ANGEL please let's get the hell out of here. I will look for one for you on Ebay I PROMISE." Rosebud rolls her eyes and sinks her claws into my back so that she is CERTAIN that I will not drop her as we head out of the room. Kyra shouts down the hall after us, "This bag will have to be kept INDEFINITELY as evidence!" I look over at Nigel to see that he's carrying the Prada billfold in his paws. I say, "Oh no! Nigel!" But he says, "It's okay Mom. The billfold was a FREE gift with the bag...we only shoplifted the bag...the billfold was FREE." Rosebud rolls her...

Last night's dream 9/15/09

2009-09-15T06:02:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I was walking along the edge of the surf at the ocean. The sun was just rising and it was one of those magical moments when the air is shimmery and it's so quiet that you can hear your breath in your own ears. I was wearing a white sleeveless cotton slip, like a tee-shirt. It came to about my knees. I wasn't wearing shoes but I was carrying a pair in each hand. In one hand a pair of Fleuvog's. They were pink with black trim. They were very girlie girl. The other pair: Cydwoq's. Black leather with a fetching clever little heel. They were girlie girl too. And I thought, "I'm such a girlie girl now...when did that happen?" Then I walked up to a beach blanket. On the beach blanket was my plastic tub I use as my toolbox. Jesus was sitting on the blanket methodically labeling all my tools. He said, "I want you to quit calling this a thingie. It's a socket wrench. You have good tools you need to show them some respect and call them their proper names." I made my "I'm ashamed" face but inside I had on my "I'm annoyed" face. "Tools are like shoes..." Jesus explained. "They get you were you need to go." Then I really did have on my "I'm ashamed" face. "Let's go hang pictures and build tables." He suggested. He closed the toolbox and waited for me to pick it up. I had to hold both shoes in one hand to do it but I managed. We walked up the beach and my house was there and we went inside and there was a stack of wood. Jesus turned to me and said, "Instead of buying pair after pair why don't we build you some shoes?"

Last night's dream 9/14/09

2009-09-14T07:30:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I was making spaghetti and mmm, mmm, mmm did it smell good! I had on a cocktail outfit with my apron with the cats all over it over the dress. I had on these fabulous Prada pumps (which I really wish I owned in real life because they were not just fabulous they were FABULOUS. Sigh.) I had on big gloves and was waiting for the water to boil for the pasta while I was simmering the sauce. I tidied the kitchen while I waited and then I started staring at the water. "A watched pot never boils..." I thought as I continued to stare at the water. I stared and stared. I turned the heat up to the highest level and stared some more. I saw a pop on the surface of the water. "Ah hah!" I shouted scaring the cats. But no other activity occurred in the water. I saw a speck on the surface of the water and got out my magnifying glass. I looked through it to find a small speedboat with a very tiny woman skiing behind it. She was decked out in a pink 1960's one piece and a matching swim cap. She laughed and waved at me as the small speedboat cruised across the water in the pot. I turned off the flame under the pot, got out another pot and filled it with water. I set it on another burner and lit the flame. I peered into the pot waiting for the water to boil.

Last night's dream 9/13/09

2009-09-13T11:26:00.000-07:00

I dreamt I was country western dancing. I was being spun around the dance floor like a top. Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash were singing on a stage in front of the dancers. Not the old JC and JCC but what they were like in their heyday. June was getting all riled up and Johnny was beaming at her. Then suddenly it was Billy Idol up there but it was still June's voice belting out song after song. Billy was wearing my favorite cocktail dress and as I was twirled in front of the stage I kept trying to look at the seams to see if he was stretching them out. He looked pretty good in that dress. I had on a scuba diving suit and was getting pretty sweaty with all the twirling, twirling, twirling but I didn't want to stop. My partner was soooo good at leading and I didn't even need to count, "slow, slow, quickquick...slow, slow, quickquick..." I was just dancing. Floating around the floor. Twirling like one of those little ballerinas in the jewelry boxes. I had on Chie Mihara heels with the wetsuit and when I realized this I felt pretty stupid..."What must I have been thinking to pair these two together?!?!?" I thought and I really hoped no one would notice the outfit. "I try so hard to wear nice color coordinated fetching little outfits and tonight I come up with this?!?!?" I thought and then I stumbled and realized I needed to quit thinking about my attire and just concentrate on enjoying the dance. By now I was really sweating under the wetsuit so when the song ended I excused myself and stepped outside. In the parking lot was my friend's swimming pool from their backyard in Palm Springs. It's a salt water pool and I took off the Chie Mihara's, removed a lipstick from my bosom and dove in. The water was a brilliant blue green and there were lights all along the side of the pool. When I broke the surface there was a mermaid in front of me, inches from my face. She startled me so I shrieked like a little school girl. This made her laugh. Then she turned around and I crawled onto her back and she motorboated me around the pool. After that we played Marco Polo for about 20 minutes. Then she said, "You'd better get back to the dance floor...they're about to play your favorite song!" And she disappeared under the water. I got out of the water and beside a plush towel was a gorgeous Vera Wang cocktail dress and my Chie Mihara heels. I toweled off and put on the fabulous dress and shoes, swiped a little lipstick across my lips and headed back inside the country bar. The disco ball was spinning and the whole dance floor looked magical. In the middle of the floor stood my dance partner. I walked over and got into dance position. On the stage was an old folksy jug band with a guy on washboard and a guy on saw, and one of those twangy mouth harp thingies. They started playing and it was "You Can't Touch This" by M.C. Hammer. My partner said, "Oh, a waltz! Crap. I can't handle this..." and walked off the dance floor. I looked down and under the Wang dress I now had on the big Hammer pants. Suddenly the dance floor was filled with dancers and we all proceeded to do the steps to the "You Can't Touch This" song. I thought, "Well, it's great I know the steps and have on the pants and everything...but that mermaid was wrong...this is not my favorite song."

Last night's dream 9/12/09

2009-09-12T07:52:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I was riding on a scooter and fell down a big hill. I tumbled over and over and finally came to rest at the bottom. I laid there for a little while trying to collect my thoughts and gingerly moving arms and legs to make sure nothing was broken. As I was patting myself to check my general condition I felt what I thought was a smallish ping pong ball resting on my chest. On closer inspection it turned out to be my eyeball! I thought, "Oh great! Dating is going to be a bitch now! Where does one get an eye patch and do they come in Hawaiian patterns? Can I have them made to order so that I can get them in fabrics to match my cocktail dresses? Or maybe ones that would match a purse and shoes? I wonder if they have any stick-on ones so that my hair doesn't get mussed by the band?" Suddenly I was a little excited about accessorizing and not too upset about the loss of the eye. Which seemed quite shallow to me and I was disturbed. I sat up and absentmindedly tossed the eye up and down in my hand, pondering my obsession with style. That led me to review my collection of cocktail dresses and shoes and then I started thinking about a pair of shoes that my Mom accidentally put in a yard sale back in the 80's that I had wanted to keep. They were a pair of cream platforms with multi-colored flowers embroidered on them and red laces. They really didn't fit me well and I was flummoxed by my regret at not having them anymore. "I mean really, I would probably have sold them myself by now." I was still tossing my eyeball up and down and pondering my general belief system or lack thereof when a naked woman on an elephant rode up. The elephant squatted down low so the woman could disembark. She strolled over to me and as I tossed the eyeball she caught it in mid-air, tilted my head back and slammed the eyeball back into place. Then she kissed my forehead and got back on her elephant and rode away. I looked around, testing my eye and when I found it was good got up, retrieved my scooter, and rode away.

Last night's dream 9/11/09

2009-09-11T09:25:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt I was a pirate on a big old pirate ship! I had a wooden leg and a patch over one eye. On my shoulder I had a cat instead of a parrot. I went around going, "Argh! Mumble, mumble..." and I'd stride around the deck with my hands on my hips. I was thinking, "What the hell?!?!? I don't know nothin' about swabbing a deck or hoisting a sail...Will the crew KNOW?!?!" I was all in a panic inside but outside I was confident and even a little scary. I had on a whole "Dr. Hook" outfit with the frilly shirt and the vest and the pantaloons and high boots. For a good long while I walked around saying, "Pantaloons..." under my breath.
"Pantaloons...pantaloons...panta....LOONS..."
One of the crew came up to me and said, "Captain! We've spotted a ship to the East!" then he kind of cowered away from me. Obviously in the past this news brought me displeasure so I decided I'd better stick with the past and I roared, "A SHIP TO THE EAST!?!?" then I swore a lot and swung my arms around alarmingly. The mates all shrunk back away from me and I hoped everyone was convinced that I was in control. "Should we prepare the cannons?" One of the mates asked. "What is this our MAIDEN voyage?!?!" I growled. "Do your JOBS you scurvy...." and then I couldn't think of a good word and I panicked again and stormed off going, "BAH! Bunch of silly....BAH!" and I retreated to my quarters so that I could recover and figure out what to do next. It wasn't long before there was a banging on my door, "We're ready for your orders to fire, Captain!" came a voice from the other side of the door. I rolled my eyes and went out to see if there was any way I could avoid mayhem. It was pretty apparent from the looks of the other ship and the looks of my crew and the whole atmosphere that mayhem was not to be avoided. "She's loaded with gold!" said one crew member in a theatrical whisper. And another one added, "And Prada shoes. Size 6!" That's all this little captain needed to hear..."What are we waiting for boys?!?!?" I roared enthusiastically, "Take the ship! The gold is all yours mates. Just bring me those shoes!!!"

Last night's dream 9/9/09

2009-09-09T09:08:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt I was on a date with a chicken. It was a blind date and I was miffed at my friend who had arranged it. "Here I am all gussied up and for what?!?! A chicken!" I thought heatedly. The chicken was nice enough but where was the intense conversation about spirituality, societal norms, cultural oddities, or even gossip about the latest movie or intriguing book or TV show? No. The chicken was pretty limited. The chicken clucked a bit but other than that was fairly unengaged. "What kind of a date is this?!?!" I thought near tears. "OK, calm down.." I told myself. "Maybe the chicken is shy." So I went out of my way to ask about siblings and hobbies and what have you. But all's I got was more clucking. We went to dinner at a pretty nice restaurant but I had to order vegetarian which didn't make me too happy but I felt I had no choice. The chicken order cornmeal. We didn't talk much. I kept focusing on my salad and counting the number of chews per bite. I didn't even get to look at a dessert menu before the chicken had whipped out a tiny wallet and plopped down a credit card on top of the bill. We sat looking at each other over after dinner coffee. Finally I couldn't resist. "So, why DID the chicken cross the road?" I asked innocently.

Last night's dream 9/8/09

2009-09-08T08:53:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt I was a fairy and I lived in a toadstool. It was so cozy! There was a little fireplace in the corner and a little tiny bear rug in front of it. There was a little tiny wooden table that I have obviously made and on the table a little tiny bowl of tiny fruit. Unfortunately, as usual, I hadn't eaten the fruit fast enough and there was a swarm of really, really tiny fruit flies around the bowl. I tsk`ed disgustedly and got out a little teeny tiny biodegradable garbage bag and threw the spoiled fruit in the bag leaving it open for a moment so that the swarm of really, really tiny fruit flies could follow the fruit into the bag. I reasoned that the bag would biodegrade before the flies would die. I was after all a fairy and cherished life in all it's forms, even annoying fruit flies. I shucked off my tiny fairy boots....oh! They were so dang cute! They had a curved toe area and...well, they were adorable fairy boots, picture them for yourselves...I shucked off my tiny fairy boots and crossed the wooden floor in my striped fairy socks. I decided to do my workout DVD so I went over to the tiny plasma TV and put the DVD in the player. While it was loading I took off my fairy dress...it was coated with THE BEST sequins! and got into my fairy workout clothes. Due to the generous endowment of my rack I had to wear two fairy sports bras for optimal support of my fairy breasts. The instructor was ready to begin and so was I. I did the warm up and then rolled my eyes because the next part was push ups and I really felt that as a fairy push ups were unnecessary and I worried that I would become too muscley and not be fairy enough. With this on my mind I kind of "phoned in" the push ups but when it came to the sit up section I was right there giving it 110%! And with my abs there was no question that 110 was the LEAST I should offer. Now when it came to the jumping jack section there was always a problem. I tended to start to fly. I couldn't help it! I'd do a jack and the next thing I knew I'd be clocking my head against the ceiling. I'd set myself back down but within a jack or two I'd be right back up there again. This was a dilemma. So I mentioned it at my fairy support group and after they all looked at me like I was a human or something one of them asked if I couldn't tether myself to some large (well, in the fairy world that would really be tiny) piece of furniture. Problem solved! Except that I had to tether myself super fast so that I wouldn't fall behind in the DVD program. But that was okay because doing it fast kept my heart rate up so all in all it was a win/win. We fairies like win/win and myself, in particular, I like win/win a lot. I really don't like lose/lose and if it's lose/win I better be on the back half of that /. Anyway, after I finished my workout I felt very righteous so I made myself a HUGE (well, again in the fairy world it was really quite tiny) coffee ice cream shake! Mmmmmm. That took care of dinner. I realized I hadn't fed the cats and I called out, "Kitty! Kitty! Kitty!" and two dust mites came running gangbusters into the room and straight to the food bowls. In fairy terms the dust mites were just about the size of normal human cats so it wasn't as disgusting as it sounds. I petted each of them and put down a heaping (in fairy terms barely the size of a pinhead) helping of organic wet food for them. The female dust mite sniffed the food and strolled away unimpressed. I called after her, "That crap is over a buck a can girlie!" The male dust mite wolfed it down as if he hadn't eaten...ever. That taken care of I threw on my fairy sandals and went out to the mailbox. Bills, bills, and a Netflix DVD. Back in the house I popped the DVD in and settled in to watch "America's Next Top Fairy, Cycle 13".

Last night's dream 9/6/09

2009-09-06T09:10:00.001-07:00

Last night I dreamt I was getting ready for a date. I have many fabulous dresses but each one I tried on had an issue. It was too small. It was too big. It was ripped. It was stained. It was a bad color on me. It wasn't flattering. It was too slutty. It was too conservative. The pattern was too bold. The pattern was too subtle. It was the wrong season for it. I didn't have shoes to go with it. It made me look old. The style was too youthful. It was too short. It was too long. I felt funny in it. I left dresses and moved on to skirts. First I tried on a big Southern Belle hoop skirt and I thought, "Well, how will I get into a restaurant booth in this thing?!?!" Then I tried on a grass skirt, too casual. Then I tried on a leather skirt, too S&M. Then I tried on a Catholic Girl's school skirt, too "getting my freak on". Then I tried on a white skirt, too risky, there would be food involved. Suddenly that was the end of the skirts and I thought, "Well, that's not right! I KNOW I have over 40 skirts..." So I dug around in the closet some more but couldn't find any other skirts. My closet was filled with travel brochures for the Ukraine. I flipped one open and then another and another. The women in the brochures were all wearing these amazing dresses and skirts! I couldn't get over the fabulous "looks" the models had. "Well, that's it!" I declared to the cats, "I'm going to the Ukraine!" I still didn't have a skirt for my date that night so I headed to the toolbox, like I always do in a pinch. I pulled out the duct tape and got ready for my date.

Last night's dream 9/5/09

2009-09-05T08:22:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I went to a parade and at the end of the parade I realized I had to hike through a forest to get home. The sun was about to set and I just knew that there was no way I was going to make it all the way through the forest before it got dark. I was angry and embarrassed. I had on a tank top and shorts and sneakers. I worried about mosquitoes and also just the general vulnerability of the outfit in the woods in the dark. I had to tinkle too and most of the shops were closed. I figured I could tinkle in the woods but that didn't really appeal to me, not that I am not a rugged individual...but I am not a rugged individual...as much as I'd like to classify myself as one. I had no hat, nothing to cover my legs or arms, no bug repellent, no flashlight. I walk past a house and this woman motions me over. "It's your house." she says. I go inside and am so relieved that I don't have to walk through the woods although I think, "Wait a minute, this isn't Bisbee..." Once inside I am astonished by the filth! The kitchen is very strange with appliances in the middle of the room and every surface is sticky and dusty. I glance over at the refrigerator just in time to see a black widow spider crawl up under it. I look over and four more spiders are in the middle of the floor by a torn piece of paper. They are swarming the paper. I yell for help and my ex appears and he starts stomping on the spiders and I am calling over to him, "They are not all black widows! One is a tarantula!" and I'm hoping that he becomes less zealous and doesn't kill the tarantula because they are one of those "good" spiders. "Why didn't I just "man up" and take care of them myself?" I think. "Why did I have to yell for back up?" I wonder. "I didn't "man up" because there were four freakin' spiders! One being a huge freakin' tarantula! That's why I didn't "man up"..." The ex and the bugs disappear and I let out a huge sigh of relief at THAT. I turn back to the counters and start looking for some cleaning supplies because everything is really, like, disgustingly dirty. Like heebie jeebie dirty. I realize there is no sink in the kitchen. I tsk and sigh and go looking for a sink and find it in the living room next to the bird feeder. I find a bucket under the sink and start to fill it with water that comes out of the faucet Caribbean blue. I am thankful for this bit of brightness. I suddenly realize everything else is monochrome or extremely muted. Reds are maroon at best, blues are the darkest indigo, mostly it's gray and murky beige. I get the festive water in the bucket and go back into the kitchen. I find these huge sponges inside the refrigerator and some natural, good for the environment, cleaner on the table of the restaurant booth that is jammed in the corner. I begin to clean off every surface in the kitchen. It's hard work and I am sweating by the time I finish. I go around the kitchen touching all the surfaces to verify that they are free from any stickiness or residue. Then I remember I have to tinkle and I go looking for the bathroom. I find it and get myself situated and the door flies open and someone comes in dressed in a red field outfit. "I found this in the closet, the old lady helped me and I can wear this on the walk across the forest back home!" says a muffled voice through a filter in a face plate attached to a helmet. "Uh...a little PRIVACY PLEASE!" I say and motion for the red being to leave. They stay. They continue to discuss the many attributes of the red outfit while I try to do my business but I can't. After several more, "Would you just wait outside!" and "Do you MIND?!?!?" the red being steps outside with a muffled, "I'll wait right outside the door!" I still can't do anything. The moment has passed and I am uncomfortable and confused. I go outside. I ask the red being, "Well, is there another red suit for me?" The red being starts and replies, "Well, no. There's just the one suit and it fits me. It won't fit you. I mean...it would be huge on you." And I reply with frustration, "Well, are there at least long pants somewhere here for me?" and the red being points to another room and on the floor are a pair of men's khaki pants. I put them on and they are like a 44 inch waist and come up under my armpits. I start looking around for a way to secure them and realize I will have to hold them scrunched up against my body the entire walk back. I find one of those key ring flashlights. "That'll have to do..." I think even as I'm thinking, "This is INSANE!" I walk out and the old woman says, "I'm going home..." and she waits and I realize she's waiting for me and the red being to get out of the house so she can lock the doors. And I think, "I thought this was MY house..." and then it dawns on me..."Oh man! She said that so that I would clean her KITCHEN for her!" And I feel very taken advantage of and stupid for not realizing all of this much, much earlier. We all leave the house and I don't understand why but I am very thankful that it still seems to be about 4 o'clock and we'll have about 30 minutes or so before it gets dark in the woods. I turn on the little key ring flashlight and look at it's pathetic beam. I think, "Yeah, uh huh, and you should have grabbed a BUTTER KNIFE for defense too..." I look across the street at the forest and the path I'm supposed to take. The red being is already at the entrance waving to me to hurry up and follow and then they disappear down the path. I look around and in the distance I see a neon sign that makes me smile, a La Quinta!!! I hesitate for a moment to make sure I have a credit card on me and then I head down to the La Quinta. When I walk in my little Italian friend is behind the counter and she says, "El! Been waitin'. Rosebud and Nigel are in room 1313 and..." she looks behind her at the wall clock, "...it's just about time for festive alcoholic beverages on the patio!" Then she places a key on the counter and disappears through a door. I hear her voice say, "See you soon!" I run to 1313 and using the key fling the door open. On the bed are Rosebud and Nigel laying back against a pillow, each with one long lean leg sprawled out in front of them, the other tucked under their bodies. Rosebud has the clicker in her paw and they are watching AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL CYCLE 13. Rosebud says, "Hey Mom!" never taking her eyes off the screen and Nigel jumps up and runs over saying, "HI MOM! HI MOM! HI MOM!" and reaches for my inner elbow with his face so that he can suck my arm. I scoop him up and give him a hug. Then I head to the bathroom to finally tinkle.

Last night's dream 9/4/09

2009-09-04T09:58:00.001-07:00

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud, Nigel, and I were escaping from the Nazi troops that had invaded Palm Springs. We were doing a kind of "Sound of Music" retreat across the desert. I was in the lead with a backpack full of cat food, their Drinkwell Platinum drinking fountain, their food bowls, a big bag of their Organix dry food, and a pair of underwear for myself. In my hands I carried a bag of "The World's Best Cat Litter" and a litter box. Rosebud was after me. She had on these ADORABLE hiking boots and nothing else. Nigel had on a pair of Dr. Marten's and a blue tutu. They were both walking upright in the dream. Both had on backpacks. Rosebud's was a Xena The Warrior backpack and it was full of tin foil balls. Nigel's was an Ironman backpack and it was full of Q-tip sticks with the fuzzy ends removed. We all had on matching Bolle sunglasses. After about three hours of walking the cats were pretty tired so I scooped them up and put them in the litter box with the bag of litter and we continued on our way. Nigel began to suckle the inside of my elbows and this time I didn't stop him, the kid had been through enough. I stopped to rest under a very small tree and I broke off a piece of cactus so we could all drink from it's sticky liquid. I glanced back over the horizon and saw soldiers coming our way. I threw down the cactus and grabbed the litter box jamming both cats into it unceremoniously. I ran as fast as I could my heart beating furiously my mind spinning! How had they found us so quickly? From the opposite direction I saw a puff of smoke that became a trail and then I saw the Hummer coming at me. It was loaded with nuns and I knew then that we would be okay.

Last night's dream 9/3/09

2009-09-03T09:45:00.000-07:00

I dreamt I was making spaghetti for a film crew. Angelina Jolie came up to me and asked if I wanted to be adopted but when I told her I was an American she lost interest and strolled away. I noticed she was wearing these Chie Mihara shoes that I have always lusted after and regretted that I didn't tell her I was from a third world country because I thought, "If anyone can afford a BUNCH of Chie Mihara's it's Angelina...actually Chie Mihara's are probably slumming for Angelina..." and then I stirred the spaghetti again. Joni Mitchell came over and I didn't recognize her and she had to tell me she was Joni Mitchell and I felt embarrassed for both of us. I told her I liked her song "Luka" and then was really embarrassed because truthfully I liked it the first time or two I heard it and then I got bored with it pretty fast and would always change the station when it would come on. When I told her I liked it she kinda rolled her eyes like, "Is that all people can remember of my vast musical career?!??!" and I thought, "Man, it's too bad Joni didn't show up in someones dream that was a really big fan of hers..." Then I stirred the spaghetti again. Joni grabbed a salad and headed for her dressing room to eat in peace. Kate Blanchett walked up and I thought, "Oh my! Oh my! I am in LOVE with Kate Blanchett! She is so pale. She is translucent!" And I stirred the spaghetti really hard and tried to act cool but she just smiled at me, grabbed a yogurt and left. I opened a cabinet door to check see if my paleness came close to Kate's paleness but my paleness was more sallow and Kate's was more ethereal and I thought, "Well, yeah, she probably spends thousands of dollars on her skin care regime and I get whatever dregs I can at the TJ Maxx clearance table..." Meg Ryan comes up and is very nice to me and actually orders a plate of the spaghetti when it's ready. I can't help thinking, "Wow! I thought Angelina had big lips. Yikes! Her face is like two thirds lip..." then I feel bad because it's not her fault and I think she probably was just trying to look better and I think, "Aren't we all? Aren't we all?" And I think again about my TJ Maxx vitamin C night creme which I've started using about 20 years too late and that leads me to thinking about my retirement fund because that's another thing I started about 20 years too late. I give the spaghetti a vicious stir and then I calm down remember that it's just life and I am very lucky for the great life I have and I think about my babies and realize they are cats and how lucky is that?!?! Waaaayyyy lucky! By then the spaghetti was done and I pour this huge, huge vat of spaghetti into a huge colander and then onto this huge platter that frankly resembled a kiddie swimming pool from a discount super store and then I pour another huge, huge vat of spaghetti sauce on top with what must've been a thousand meatballs in it and I go over and ring one of those old triangles like in the old western movies and all of these extras and sound technicians and best boys and girls come running at me whooping and hollering. I step back and wipe my hands on my apron. Christoper Walken comes up to me and I have to hold the counter to keep from fainting because it's Christopher (f-ing) Walken! And he says, "You've done a good job here...with the pasta and the meatballs and all...I'm impressed. I like your style. You've got something kid." And I croak out a "Thank you Mr. Walken...sir." He strides over to the table doing a little pirouette at the last minute before grabbing a plate and digging into the spaghetti. I literally have to wipe a tear from my eye before grabbing the cookbook off the shelf and flipping through looking for tomorrow's lunch item.

Last night's dream 9/2/09

2009-09-02T08:02:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I was at the grocery store and couldn't find the organic half and half. I traversed the store three times always thinking, "Oh, it must be down this aisle!" Only to find myself in the frozen pizzas or the olives. After the third time around I sat down on the floor and burst into tears. "Great!" I thought, "Just great! How in the hell am I supposed to have my coffee tomorrow morning without my organic half and half?!?!" I reached into my apron pocket for a Kleenex and could only find a pathetic ball of old tissue that had past it's usefulness. "Yeah, past it's usefulness...just like ME!" I sobbed to myself and headed down the Kleenex aisle, I grabbed a box off the shelf, tore the top off and proceeded to blatantly use unpurchased Kleenex to staunch the god-awful flow of sadness coming from my nose and eyes. I slid back down to the floor. "It's over..." I thought morosely. "All over...No organic half and half...no organic coffee for breakfast...no coffee...no energy...no energy...the litter box doesn't get cleaned...the litter box doesn't get cleaned Rosebud inappropriately urinates...Rosebud inappropriately urinates I fall into a deeper depression...I fall into a deeper depression I forget to bathe regularly...I forget to bathe regularly I start to smell...I start to smell people stop inviting me over for dinners and conversation...dinners and conversation stop and I am forced to rely on my 'self talk'....forced to rely on my 'self talk' I become more paranoid and start to question why the cats are looking at me 'that way'...i worry about the cat's looking at me 'that way'..." My worry spiral is interrupted by my inability to yank another Kleenex out of the box. I look down to find that there is something jammed into the box. I pull it out. It's a coupon for 1/2 off organic half and half. This brings a fresh outburst as I realize that not only is life futile and the Universe an uncaring blob but it toys with us. It makes fun of us in our weakest, most pathetic hour. "Not this time!" I roar (inside my head). I tear up the coupon furiously and jam it back into the Kleenex box. I stand up on my little shaky pathetic legs and put the Kleenex box in the cart. I go to the front of the store to pay for my Kleenex and go home for more sulking and possibly to whip up some cake mix which I will then eat, uncooked, like some evil soup of the devil which will make me quite nauseated and somehow that will make me feel justified for my poor behavior. When I get to the front of the store there is a cow behind the counter. I hold up the Kleenex box and say, "Just this..." The cow says, "That's been opened." I reach across, grab the cow by the throat and hiss, "Just the box of Kleenex which YES is opened because I was having a FIT and needed to do something about the huge amount of...and I hate this word and I hate you for making me say it you stupid COW...I needed something to catch the huge amount of SNOT (and here I cringe and involuntarily squirm and nearly gag) coming out of me! So...YES...it's opened. Ring me up." And I released the cow's throat and kind of set her back down near the cash register. She is visibly shaken. I start to feel bad but then I remember what a pathetic, incoherent mess I am about to be when I get home and so I brush off the guilt and dig in my apron pocket for the money to pay for the Kleenex. The cow says, "A dollar forty nine...please..." and waits. I put the money on the counter with vengeance because I know she will have a hard time scooping it into her hoof and wait for her to bag the Kleenex wondering if she will remember to ask "Paper or Plastic?" and thinking of awful retorts I can say when she does! She put the Kleenex in my apple green shopping bag (I'm flummoxed...did I bring that in with me?) and before I can grab it and run she deposits a pint of organic half and half into the bag as well. I gasp and lean back against the gum and candy bar display nearly toppling it. She smiles and explains brightly, "We are running a promotion on organic half and half today...that's why all the cashiers are cows!" I slide the apple green shopping bag off the counter and head to the car. My plans for despondency and trip to the abyss thwarted by an in-store special.

Last night's dream 8/30/09

2009-08-30T08:59:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that Richard Burton and I were sitting in a bar chatting about the weather in Palm Springs. Richard was saying it was "...just too bloody hot for real like Daddy-o!" And I was defending the heat "...but it's a DRY heat, Dick! A DRY heat! Go live in Mississippi for a year!" And we were laughing and ordering more mojitos. Liz Taylor comes in. Not the current in-a-wheelchair Liz but the 1965 I'll-kick-your-ass-just-by-looking-at-you-with-my-violet-eyes Liz. She is wearing this knock-out wiggle dress with an award winning decoulage. She walks over, lights a cigarette and looks at me. The bartender comes over and she purrs to him, "Hello handsome. I'll have what their having..." He quickly whips up a mojito and presents it to Liz with a flourish. She takes a sip, whispers, "Oooooohhhh yummy!" and throws it in my face. "No one talks about the weather to Richard but me..." comes out of her like whip cream on a cake. I ask the barman for a napkin and wipe the mojito off my face. "Liz, you bitch!" I say delightedly. "Lucky for you my eyeliner is permanent or there would be true hell to pay...as it is, I'm just going to knock your block off..." and I punch her in the nose. She goes down like a sack. Richard Burton stands up shocked and heads towards me. I warn him, "You really don't want to get into it with me Dickie boy...my MOTHER used to be called "Spitfire" on the elementary school playground..." He backs away slowly and goes to Liz and helps her up. She spits out, "You're lucky Night....lucky your sister is standing behind you!" I whip around and sure enough there is my little sister only she's not her current age either but about 6 years old with missing front teeth and shit and she's got her fists up. "Mess with my Sister, mess with me..." she hisses. Liz's face displays fear and dismay. Richard Burton helps her stumble out of the bar. I turn to my sister and we give each other the high 5. Then she sits down and orders a glass of milk. She turns to me and says, "Get ready...I just saw Barbara Streisand heading this way..."

Last night's dream 8/26/09

2009-08-26T08:25:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I owned a cherry red 1961 Cadillac. The fins were so sharp that I often cut myself on them as I strolled past. I was wearing a black corset, a black corset skirt, black corset stockings, and black corset stiletto heels. Even my clutch had a little corset panel that I could cinch, when the need arose. I pulled up in front of a coffee house and peered through the window. There was a huge danish case at the front and there were all sorts of dangers displayed within. I opened the door and the bell attached to it jangled. Santa came out from the back room and laughed his signature "Ho, ho, ho!" as his belly shook. Then he said, "May I help you? No, wait! I remember what you said you wanted the last time you sat on my lap!" He produced a little box in Christmas wrap with a green and red bow. I took the package with some trepidation. I couldn't remember the last time I had sat on Santa's lap and I was really quite afraid that my tastes had changed since then. I sat at a little Parisian style cafe table and slowly began to open the festively wrapped package. Santa called over, "Here's your latte Little E!" I got up and realized I was now 7 years old. It felt pretty funny to be wearing a complete dominatrix outfit since I was now a little girl. I skipped over to the counter and said, "Santa! I can't drink coffee. I'm just a little girl again!" And Santa, looking just a tad miffed, said, "Fine!" with quite a bit of attitude, then he recovered his jocularity and went on..."Fine, fine, fine. I'll drink this and we'll get you a little cocoa!" He turned his back to me and I saw him take out a flask and pour something into what was now his latte. He started to heat some milk on the stove for the cocoa and I said nervously, "Um...Santa...would it be alright if I just had hot milk? I really don't like cocoa very much." His back tensed and I grew frightened. Just as he was about to whirl around and I'm sure smack me in the head, a series of elves came into the cafe from the back room. They were singing and laughing and slapping each other's backs and generally exuding fun and lightheartedness. They stopped in their tracks when they saw the tableau in front of them. The first elf exploded with a "Hey ho, SANTA!!!! How's it hangin' Bossman?!?!" The other elves, taking their cue from the first, scurried over to Santa and began to pepper him with questions and comments. Distracted Santa deflated, his anger forgotten. The first elf came over to me, he was now a miniature Brad Pitt and I had turned into Cinderella. He said, "Hey, Little E! Are you okay?" And I said, "I really didn't like Inglorious Basterds but you were awesome in Thelma and Louise...funny, you were kind of a bastard in Thelma and Louise and..." He said, "Hey, hey, hey...Let's not go down that road!" as he placed his hand gently on my lips. Then he gave me an Indian rope burn on my arm and ran away. I was rubbing my arm with tears in my eyes (it hurt that much!) when I noticed the unopened present on the table. I went over to it and opened it. Inside was a snow globe. Inside the globe was my 1961 Cadillac with a little tiny grown up me at the wheel. I had a doughnut in one hand and a little latte in the other and a black scarf around my head to protect my bouffant from the wind. The scarf fluttered engagingly behind me. I was smiling and The Slits were playing on the radio. I turned the snow globe over and back and the snow wafted through the air and settled gently on me and the car. I was enthralled. I thought, "Wow! I asked Santa for this the last time I sat on his lap. Amazing!" I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror behind the display case. I wasn't Cinderella anymore. I wasn't 7. I wasn't in a dominatrix outfit. Instead I was in a pair of white underpants and my old Microsoft T-shirt. The one that really should be thrown out but will never be because it keeps getting more and more comfortable the more it disintegrates around me. And I thought, "That's it!" The elves, my bouffant, the pastries, Brad Pitt, the Slits, the snow globe, the red and green bow, the caddy, the corsets, Santa, the t-shirt, even the hot milk! That's it!"
And then I woke up.

Last night's dream 8/25/09

2009-08-25T07:49:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt I was the owner of an adult bib clothing line. I had a trendy line of bibs that were black and chain encrusted, and the clasp was a beefy lock with a somewhat rusty key. I had a Laura Ashley-esque line with small cabbage roses and delicate lace that tied behind the neck. I had an elegant line for when you were going out to the real posh restaurants. They were all silk velvet with sterling silver clasps. I had a drag queen line-covered with sequins and jewels, dipping low in the front, some lit up. These all came with a matching wig. I had a conservative line of pinstriped wool bibs and a line of men's work bibs of denim. There were specialty bibs as well for weddings, funerals,and birthdays. I also created custom celebrity bibs. Bruce Willis ordered some "Eat Hard" and "Eat Harder" bibs, Quentin Tarantino ordered some "blood" spattered bibs with the names of all his movies embrodered along the edges, Dolly Parton ordered "left" and "right" bibs, and several celebrities ordered custom bibs that must remain confidential. I was doing pretty good. The bib business was a success. I even had a call from Facebook, they wanted to buy me out. But the bib business was my baby. My little cottage industry, making bibs at my dining table at night, had blossomed into a multi-million dollar affair. I was sending hundreds of bibs to relief agencies in Africa and Asia. There I found out that in Bangladesh the bibs were being sewn together into quilts and so I hired the small village that had come up with the idea and started a "Home" line. Hip Hop stars were buying my bibbypant, Angelina Jolie purchased several of my bibbycaps for all her kids and a half dozen extras for the kids she had planned. I thought it was over the top when a key advisor suggested bibbyshoes but I took the gamble anyway and when Britney wore a pair on the stage the sales skyrocketed overnight. The market was flooded with Bibs and Bib-related merchandise. I couldn't go out of the house without a big on or the magazines went beserk with speculation. When Michelle called me personally for advice on what to wear to a state dinner I was thunderstruck. I was at the top of my game. Bibs were all the rage on the Paris Runway. Everyone had to have one, no, not one, but many. You just couldn't own too many bibs or bib-related products. Now there was a jewelry line that attached to the bibs, bibbybags, babybibbys, petbibbys, bibs for the car, the boat, the private jet. It was a bib-a-licious extravaganza! The bib business was booming! That's when the scandal broke.

Last night's dream 8/24/09

2009-08-24T08:27:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud and Nigel were wrestling on the living room floor. There was the usual biting and batting and then Rosebud started quoting lines from Tombstone, in particular the bar scene where Wyatt Earp tells Johnny Tyler to "throw down"...I came in on the middle of it.
Nigel: You run your mouth awful reckless for a cat that don't go heeled.
Rosebud: No need to go heeled to get the bulge on a tub like you. You skin that smoke wagon and we'll see what happens!
Nigel: Listen Missy, I'm getting awfully tired of your...(Rosebud smacks him in the head with her paw)
Rosebud: I'm gettin' tired of all your gas, now jerk that pistol and go to work!
Nigel looks around for a pistol: What's a pistol? (he whispers to Rosebud)
Rosebud: [slaps him harder, now completely steely-eyed] I said throw down, boy!
Nigel: MOM! Rosebud's hittin' me!
Rosebud: Are you going to do something or just stand there and bleed?
Then Rosebud turns to me flops over on her side and sticks her tongue out. I go over and pat her belly.
Rosebud: Mom, can I get some chaps?
Me: Uh...sure...uh...do they make kitty chaps?
Rosebud: Well if they don't they sure should! And a hat. I'll be needing a cowkitty hat.
Me: Oh....kay....
Nigel: Mom, I want a pistol! I HAVE to have a pistol! Can I? Can I Mom? Can I have a pistol?!?!? PLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Me: What are you going to do with a gun?
Nigel: I'm going to skin that smoke wagon and...GUN?!?!?!
Me: A pistol is a gun honey.
Nigel: Oh no man. I don't want a gun. I'm a peacenik! Rosebud I'm tired of playing Tombstone, can we play HAIR again?
Rosebud sighs, looks at young Nigel and says indulgently: Sure pal, sure. We can play HAIR but I get to be Claude this time.
Nigel leaps up onto the back of the couch raises up on his hind legs and bellows: When the moooooooonnnnnnn, is in the 7th house...
Rosebud leaps up knocking him off the back of the couch and slams a paw into his neck pinning him to the floor. She snarls, "You talkin' to me?..."

Last night's dream 8/22/09

2009-08-22T13:11:00.001-07:00

I dreamt I was getting married today. My Mom was there with me and as we looked out the window the parking lot of the church next door was full of crap. They were having a rummage sale. I turned to my Mom and said, "We have time, before this other thing, right?!?" And we both hoofed it outa there and headed for the sale. I bought a footstool in the shape of a camel. Years passed. The marriage ended. The footstool stayed until it, too, succummed to lack of interest.

Last night's dream 8/21/09

2009-08-21T11:26:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I was riding a horse near the ocean smoking a cigar. I was holding a velvet gun. Suddenly a covey of doves lifted off from the beach and disappeared into the sky. The horse became agitated by the birds and threw me knocking the cigar out of my mouth and flinging me into the surf. I sputtered and spewed salt water out my nose. The velvet gun came down out of the sky and conked me on the head. I woke up craving a cigarette.

Last night's dream 8/20/09

2009-08-20T09:13:00.001-07:00

I dreamt that it was my birthday and there was a big party in an airport. Guests kept moving the big long lines of seats to try to make some cozy little seating arrangements but it just wasn't working since the seats were all attached. I was nervous that we would get kicked out. In between all the birthday wishes and singing the loudspeaker would come on announcing flight arrivals and departures. Some friends, who I did not recognize but who obviously knew me by the way they were manhandling me, led me over to a table heaped with gaily wrapped presents. I opened the first one and it was a gerbil. I opened the second one and it was a suitcase for the gerbil...not to put the gerbil in but for the gerbil's clothing and accessories. Which were what I found in the next few presents that I opened. Then I got an Elton John CD, a blond wig, some tampons, a digital camera, a jumbo pack of lint removers, a magazine subscription to some Italian home appliance magazine, and a bright orange fondue set from the 70's along with some string cheese. As I was thanking everyone profusely there was a scuffle at the back of the crowd. "String cheese?!?! You IDIOT! String cheese doesn't MELT. How the hell will she use THAT in the fondue?!?!?" Sneered one guest to another. The other just looked at the first guest and made a scrunched up "neener neener" face. That's when the first guest pushed the second guest and then the second guest pushed the first back. Before I knew it the crowd was yelling, "Fisticuffs! Fisticuffs! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fisticuffs! Fisticuffs! Fight! Fight! Fight!" I grabbed my new gerbil and his little suitcase and ran and hid behind the customer service counter for Gate 13 thinking at the time, "Hey, gate 13 and I was born on the 31st! What a coincidence! Well, it's not actually the same number...so is it still a coincidence or really nothing?" Then I huddled there while complete mayhem took place. Finally there was silence. I slunk out of hiding with my new gerbil under my arm. He bit me harshly on the inside of my arm so I yelped like a school girl and dropped him. He grabbed his little suitcase and scurried away towards Gates 70 and Above. All my guests were either laying on the floor or draped across the connected seats. Some had blood on their bodies and clothing. No one looked like they were seriously injured. I walked over to the "Pay a buck and get a cart" carts and paid a buck. I loaded the cart with all my presents ruing my new gerbil for gnawing his way into my heart and then deserting me for his own adventure. "We could've gone on trips TOGETHER..." I mused. The next morning I got an email requesting the return of the fondue set.

Last night's dream 8/19/09

2009-08-19T09:24:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt I was at a Tom Jones concert back in the 60's. He is on stage singing "It's Not Unusual" and all the women are throwing their panties onto the stage. I check and I see that I am not wearing panties. So I throw Nigel at Tom. He catches him and uses him to wipe the sweat from his brow. All the time he's singing "It's Not Unusual" and I'm thinking how it is.

Last night's dream 8/18/09

2009-08-18T11:34:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud and Nigel were getting ready for school. It was the usual frantic morning. Nigel was eating his turkey and giblets in gravy and Rosebud was just staring sullenly at her bowl, then she jumped up on top of the espresso machine and laid down. I was like, "Hey! Hey! Hey! Come on! Get ready! You are NOT missing that bus again! I am NOT driving you to school this morning!" and Rosebud was like, "Uh...yeah...Mom. Whatever." And Nigel was a sow at a trough going at that turkey and giblets in gravy. I abandoned my attempt at a cup of coffee because it was obvious that Rosebud and Nigel were going to miss the bus. "Where's your homework?" "The dog ate it." Nigel replied and laughed so hard he knocked himself over. Since he was already on his side he decided it was a good time to lick his private parts. "Nigel! Stop! You can do that tonight! Rosebud, Nigel did you wash your face and hands this morning?" Dead silence and then little tongues licked little paws and swiped several times across little faces. "Did you both poop?" "Yes, Mom!" "Yes, Mom." "IN the box?!?!" "Oh Mother! I've NEVER pooped outside the box...and that inappropriate urination phase ended years ago! Must you constantly bring it up?!?!?" "Alright, alright. You are right. You've been a good girl for a long time now and I shouldn't..." Just then Rosebud strolled away to the far side of the living room and began to regurgitate on the very expensive silk carpet from China. "Rosebud!" I yelped and dove for her. I grabbed her and moved her to the formica. "Okay..." And she proceeded to bring back up a little chicken and liver pate. "What the...?" I asked puzzled. "Rosebud, we haven't had chicken and liver pate for THREE days!" Rosebud gives me this "didn't-know-just-how-special-I-am-did-you?" look and starts to gather her books together for school. As they are heading out the door I snatch the catnip mouse from Nigel's backpack and try to hand each a few bucks..."Lunch money you two..." Rosebud is already on her cell phone to the Dalmation down the street and rolls her eyes at the money. "Yeah, right...like I'm going to eat LUNCH." she smirks. Nigel looks at me beseechingly and I hand over all the money I have so that he can get a proper Nigel sized lunch.

Last night's dream 8/16/09

2009-08-16T12:02:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt I was on stage with Kelly Clarkson. She was belting out Stairway to Heaven and I was playing the bass and I forgot the notes. I was standing there in front of a stadium full of people. So full that people just looked like little dots of color, like confetti. A sea of moving confetti whistling and clapping and yelling, "I LOVE YOU KELLY!" over and over. I plucked at a few strings like I knew what I was doing. The song came to an end after 7 minutes and 46 seconds and Kelly shot me a death look and as she stormed off the stage she flipped me the bird. I unplugged my bass and slunk meekly off the stage trying to prepare for the ass-whipping Kelly was sure to give me. When I got backstage there was a big party going on and Kelly was in the center of it all! She was drinking champagne and eating what looked like cocktail wienies wrapped in Pillsbury dough. I thought, "Flaky crust!" and headed for the dressing room that the backup band shared. As I was walking past the drummer she grabbed me and pulled me next to her. "And this B-autch!" she crowed, "FORGETS the bass line for Stairway!" and she shrieks with laughter. I chuckle a bit too and shake my head. Then I punch her in the face and stand there chuckling a bit more and shaking my head a little bit more too for effect. Everyone is stunned for about 4 seconds and then the little group that had been our audience erupts into shocked and delighted laughter. I think, "What has our society become? What have I BECOME?" Then I punch the face of the guy nearest me and turn to storm off with what I hope is dramatic dignity. As I turn and lift my right foot to start the storm, my foot in mid stride, knee raised, shoulder starting to dip, I freeze. There stands Kelly. Blocking my dramatic exit. Deflating my dignity. Taking the wind out of the sails of my storm. My mouth hangs open. I raise a hand...as if to say...but nothing comes to mind. I am frozen in the amber of Kelly's death stare. Through gritted teeth she smears out murderously, "I. Should. Fire. You. You. $@*(@. Lazy. Cockroach." I remain suspended like some horror movie puppet girl. "I. Should. Fire. You." she venomously seethes her mouth still clenched shut much like my butt happens to be. "I. Should. But...." and there is a pause of nearly 15 seconds. Time for most of the crowd to grow extremely uncomfortable, although, for me it was only just beginning to feel like an accurate amount of time to instill the proper sense of impending hope and doom. "Oh, what the heck!" She squeals all bubblegum and lip gloss, "We ALL make mistakes! Now you learn that darned bass line, you rascal!" she continues in that teen pop slightly creepy upbeat poppy pop star way. "Where's the champagne and pork rinds?" she yips and she's off. The crowd flows after her like rats after that Pied guy. I reach into my back pocket and pull out a music score and start humming in earnest.

Last night's dream 8/8/09

2009-08-08T09:14:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I was in a hat store and I was trying on all of these wonderful hats. Big blue hats with fluffy cloudlike ornaments and tall black masculine hats of silk and leather bits and yellow swirly hats of gears and springs. All colors, all shapes. They all looked really good on me but every time I tried on a hat my head would get one size smaller. I didn't notice it at first and that proved to be a big mistake. By the time I did realize that something wasn't quite right my head was about three sizes smaller than my body. I wondered if my head would always be so small or if, over time, it might return to normal size. I decided to hightail it out of there, but just as I reached the door I saw the shoe section!

Last night's dream 8/7/09

2009-08-07T07:02:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt Rosebud was 16 and was going out on her first serious date. It was with the Dalmation from down the street. She comes out of her bedroom with a red sweater on with rhinestones spelling out the word "Bitch".
"WHERE did you get that?!?!?" I shrieked.
"Oh Mother!" Rosebud sighed bored.
"No! NO, NO, NO and that would be N-O! You are not wearing that in public!" I declared.
"Mooooommmmm! Come on! All the Cornish are wearing them! Didn't you see the cover of Vogue this month?!?!? It's a whole spread of Mariah Carey at home with her Cornish and BOTH of hers are wearing "Bitch" sweaters. They're super cool!" She whined.
"Honey," I replied, "They are slutty...Don't be slutty."
"I DON'T look slutty!" she shouted, then paused. "Do I look slutty?!?!?" she worried.
"The red is really good with your skin tone...how about that other red sweater I got you?" I suggested.
"Oh that one...I clawed that up AGES ago..."
"Well, how about the blue?"
"Threw up on that last night..."
"There's the leopard print one...?"
"Clashes with my calico." She determined.
"How about the cream one with black trim?"
"Oh Mom," she scolded, "That one says, "Save a stray and get a spay!" Please!"
We both paused, thinking.
"Mom...maybe we could go...you know....shopping..."
"Oh Rosebud, you know we are on a tight budget right now..." I started but the look on her face stopped me..."Ok, we can go...but sale rack only!" I declared.
She came over and gave me a little bite on the elbow.

last night's dream 8/5/09

2009-08-06T08:23:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt I was wearing a dress consisting entirely of hovering hummingbirds. It was awfully pretty but the noise was distracting and every time I walked past a flowering plant there was the potential for mass exodus. The tension was palpable.

Last night's dream 8/4/09

2009-08-05T09:24:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I was driving down I-5 in a flesh colored 1960 cadillac. I had on big white sunglasses and a blue scarf tied around my head to protect my hairdo. I had red red red lipstick on and was smiling recklessly at nothing. Sheryl Crow was rocking on the radio. I had a bag of Ruffles in my lap and was snacking occasionally from the bag and licking my fingers so the wheel wouldn't get greasy. I had a bottle of club soda and I was having a tough time opening and closing the bottle between slugs. I was very concerned about losing the fizz. I thought, "Why doesn't club soda taste like regular water when it loses it's fizz? It tastes like...something else...a not very pleasant something else." Then I let the matter drop and hummed along with Cheryl. I passed a chicken along the side of the road and laughed my ass off. I glanced into the rearview mirror and was chagrined to see a baby laying on the back seat. A butt naked slightly glowing baby. And I thought, "Oh great! I'm transporting an angel baby...am I speeding?!? I can't get pulled over transporting an angel baby! Man, I'd be in some serious trouble if I was found with this angel baby....how the heck did I get an angel baby anyway???" Then I returned to the chip bag to munch and ponder. And that's when I breezed right through the red light. So, of course, there's a cop on a motorcycle adn he appears from nowhere (how do they do that?!?!?) and he's giving me the "pull over lady" sign and I'm trying to figure out how to hide the angel baby fast! So I dump the bag of chips on the floor and kick all the chips under the seat and stomp on them so I end up with just chip dust and then I reach behind me and stuff the angel baby gently into the chip bag and then I reach into the glove box and there is a chip bag resealer device in there and I reseal the chip bag and toss the bag gently into the seat behind me and then I pull over.
"Is there a problem officer?" I ask pulling out my lipstick and giving myself a little freshening up as I hand him my license and registration. Just as he's taking them from my hand I realize that the license I'm handing him is not my license but what appears to be a young Asian man's license and that the registration is not for the car but for my espresso machine instead. "Oh boy!" I think and my hand shakes a little and I smear my red red red lipstick just a bit. Suddenly Cheryl stops singing and a voice says, "This is a special announcement from the government of the Universe! This is a special announcement from the government of the Universe! Grab the nearest person and do-si-do!" And I think, "Oh for heaven's sake! Not now!" The cop opens the door and offers his hand and I pop out and we do-si-do on I-5. I look around and everyone is do-si-do-ing. The cop says, "Ain't it a beautiful world, Ma'am?" And I agree but what I'm really thinking is "How long can an angel baby breathe in a sealed chip bag?" As I am doing the rudimentary calculations in my head the song ends and the cop puts me back in my cadillac, tips his helmet, and wishes me a good day. I rip open the chip bag and pull out the angel baby dusting off all the chip dander from it's glowing skin. I tuck the chip baby next to me and buckle us both up, then I crank up Cheryl on the radio and head back down the road. Pretty soon I see one of those weigh station signs and there is a small orange sign tacked to the bottom of it saying, "Angel Baby drop off point". A huge sigh of relief busts out of me and I flip the blinker and slow the caddy down. I didn't have the proper paperwork and it took FOREVER to drop off the angel baby but in the end it all worked out okay (it was a bitch trying to explain away why there was chip dust between the angel babies toes...who knew the inspection would be that detailed?!?!)and I was finally able to get back to the open road. I was just thinking about hitting a Cracker Barrel when I happened to glance once again into the rearview mirror to find a little devil baby laying butt naked on the seat glowing back at me.

Last night's dream 8/3/09

2009-08-04T08:24:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I was in a high-end shoe store. I was trying on Jimmy Choo's and Manolo's and the like. Nothing was fitting right and I was getting chisky. The clerk knew he was losing a sale so he turns to me and says, "Wait right here Ma'am...I have something special in the back that I think will be perfect for you." So I wait and I pick up shoes and plunk them back down. I see my reflection in a mirror and realize my face is all scrunched up with dissatisfaction. I unscrunch it and try to remain optomistic. The clerk returns with two shoes boxes. He sets them on the floor and guides me to a chair in front of the boxes. I sit. He kneels down and opens both boxes at the same time with a theatrical flourish. Inside each box is a bunny. One box has a black bunny sitting on white tissue and the other box has a white bunny sitting on black tissue. "Now these babies!, he crows, "These babies are you!"

Last night's dream 8/2/09

2009-08-03T08:34:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt I was in the woods. It was dawn. It was cold. There was frost on the ground. I had on a hunter's jacket, pants, and one of those hats with flaps--all in that mottled army fabric so I was hard to see. But on my feet I had on a pair of Manolo Blahnik shoes. They were getting ruined in the mud and effluvia of the woods. Suddenly I heard movement to my left and spun around losing my balance and crashing to the ground. My gun went off and I screamed like a little girl. Out of the woods came a little man about a foot tall with a pointy hat on his head. “Ooooohhhh, a mighty hunter!” He squealed in mock alarm. I sat up and stared. “Got any jellybeans?” He asked. “N…no.” I stammered. “I have some kind of power bar thing…” I murmured. “A what?” he asked. “Some healthy crap.” I explained. “Well, that won’t do. Fire your gun again.” He commanded. “W…..what?” I stammered. “Good gravy woman! Fire your #@#&* GUN!” He yelled. I stood up, pointed the gun at the air and fired. Thousands of jellybeans fell from the sky littering the floor of the forest with color. There was a rustling in the undergrowth and suddenly hundreds of little one foot tall men and women and half foot tall children came out of hiding and began retrieving the beans. I fell back on my ass and sat in silence watching the collection process. “Close your mouth honey.” the little man said gently. I closed my mouth. “I….I….don’t….understand….” I finally spit out. “Everything in life isn’t supposed to be understood Pumpkin,” he said, “Some things are just to be enjoyed.” The collection process ended and the little people disappeared into the forest each giving a friendly wave and a nod. I stood up and grabbed my gun and began walking away. Something hit the top of my head and after recovering from what I was pretty sure was a coronary, I looked down to see a watermelon flavored jellybean laying at my feet.

Last night's dream 8/1/09

2009-08-02T08:05:00.001-07:00

Last night I dreamt I was cooking. I had a pot of water on the stove with the flame turned to high waiting for it to boil. I put the lid on the pot to hurry the process along and then I went to get dressed as I realized I was only wearing an apron! I put on a 1950's cocktail dress that was black and lime green with red rhinestones all over it. I put on some stockings and a really beautiful pair of shoes that were black and lime green with red rhinestones all over them! Then I put the apron back on (it's covered with cats) and went back to the stove. I lifted the lid and the water was boiling and all the little boil bubbles turned into little cartoon faces and they started singing "My Girl". And at each of the "My girl!" repeats some of the bubbles would pop dramatically. I was giggling like a school girl and hoping that they'd sing more when the guests arrived when suddenly the water quit boiling and became totally flat like a mirror. Like an idiot I stuck my finger into it to see if it was still a liquid and burned my finger. I left the stove and ran for the aloe vera gel. Once I had gelled and bandaged my finger I went back to the pot. Now there was vegetables and meat in the pot and all the ingredients had paired off and were waltzing around the bottom of the pot which was now the size of a small ballroom. I had grown big black crow's wings and descended down to the bottom of the pot, aka the dance floor. There a big chunk of stew meat grabbed my arm and spun me around and around. The song ended and before I could get away a carrot yanked me forward and cha cha'ed me across the floor. We made small talk but it was very strained. Once again, when the song ended I tried to get away only to be accosted by a walla walla onion that pulled me a little too close for comfort and began a racy salsa with me. Luckily my stew meat partner cut in and we tangoed around for a moment or two before I was able to make excuses and leave the dance floor/bottom of the pot. I unfurled my wings and flew back up out of the pot and found myself back in the kitchen staring down at the pot. Once again it was filled with boiling water. The water refused to sing. The doorbell rang and I went to greet my guests.

Last night's dream 7/31/09

2009-07-31T08:38:00.000-07:00

Don't foget to visit my art website at www.elliottnight.com

Last night I dreamt that there was a power failure and I was sitting in the complete pitch dark. Rosebud, or was it Nigel?, was curled on my lap and I was eating a popsicle somewhat frantically as I could feel it dripping down my hand and arm. I think I see a little pinprick of light outside the window so I get up to investigate. I press my face against the window and realize that it's a train coming at me. I look down and see that there are tracks running through my living room and I think, "Oh great! I just vacuumed this place!" The train rushes at me and now the little pinprick of light has become a huge searchlight and I look down and see that I'm holding a sack of organic potatoes and not Rosebud or Nigel. I step off the tracks at the last possible second and the train whooshes past me. In the caboose I see my family. They all wave. I wave back. We blow kisses to each other. A white crow flies across the tracks. I drop the back of potatoes and then all the lights come on.

Last night's dream 7/29/09

2009-07-29T11:09:00.000-07:00

Don't forget to check out my artist's website at www.elliottnight.com

Last night's dream...I dreamt that Rosebud, Nigel, and I were on a roadtrip. Rosebud kept throwing up rose petals and Nigel began singing "Take Me To The River" and dancing with his shoulders bopping up and down and he kept asking me, "Do I look like David Byrne, Mom?" I told him, "Yes, yes, you do. Now Mom has to keep her eyes on the road honey." I asked Rosebud if she wanted me to stop the car and she said, "Heck yes Mom I'm barfing all over the car!" So we stop and she gets out and goes over to a big stand of cactus and vomits rose petals all over the cactus and it blooms into a little house. We all go into the house and there is a little fireplace in there with a fire going and a couch in front of the fireplace. The three of us curl up on the couch and pull a big quilt over all of us. A man walks out of the fire and says, "I'm God and Elliott, you are going to have to sacrifice either Rosebud or Nigel." And I reach over to the fruit bowl on the coffee table and throw an orange at him and grab both the cats and hightail it out of there.
Then I'm in a little airplane and Rosebud is my co-pilot and I look out and Nigel is a wing walker. I am wearing one of those old style leather helmets and big goggles, so is Rosebud. So is Nigel. Nigel also has on a cape that flaps behind him enthusiastically.

"Nigel! Get your butt in here!"

"WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!"

"Nigel!"

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Nigel Mewheim!"

"HI MOM!"

He stays on the wing. I am scared but also proud of him.

Suddenly something catches my eye and I look over at the dashboard.

There is an orange.

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2009-07-28T08:49:00.001-07:00

enight@elliottnight.com

January 1, 2008

2008-01-01T08:16:00.000-08:00

Last night's dream...I dreamt that I was sitting next to a man at a cafe. We didn't know each other but the cafe was so crowded that we were sharing one of those small round cafe-type tables. A black dog walked over and sat in front of the man. Without any notice the man pulls out a long straight knife, lifts the dogs head, and slits the dogs throat. The dog falls over instantly dead. A Chinese woman walks up behind the man, bends down and kisses his left temple. Then she whispers to him, "You don't have the right to do that." and she pulls a knife across his neck and HE falls dead! Then a big hand reaches down and taps the Chinese woman on the head three times and a male voice says, "You don't have the right to do THAT." and she falls dead on top of the man who has fallen on top of the dog. Then another slightly larger hand reaches down and says,'YOU don't have the right to do THAT." and the first giant hand (attached to a giant body) falls down on top of the Chinese woman. Another female voice and a larger hand comes down and says, "And YOU don't have the right to do THAT either." and that body slumps down on top of the other bodies. This continues on and on and on in the dream. Finally I woke to the sound of firecrackers being set off for the New Year.

December 28, 2007

2007-12-28T06:50:00.000-08:00

Last night's dream...I dreamt that I was walking with Rosebud (my new Cornish Rex cat) down the street. She was on a little red leash that was just a piece of string and as I looked down at it I realized that it was the same string that my friend, Tom, had sent me year's ago with a little note that said, "Blessed by the Dalai Lama!" I began to wonder if that was in any way sacrilege but as I was in the middle of that thought I was distracted by a shop display of cheese. I looked up at the sign above the shop, it said, "HOUSE OF CHEESE" and then I looked at the display again. These huge wheels of blue veined cheese were flung around the window with what appeared to be millions of wedges littered amonst them. I thought that was the entire display until the elves started to appear and get to work. At the far left of the display window there was a little tunnel of cheese. Through the tunnel elves skipped in with pick axes and shovels and little wagons. They all had on striped stockings. Red and white or green and white or black and white. They all had on Lederhosen of green leather. And they all had on these funny little caps. They went to work on the cheese. The pick axe elves would hack off a chunk of Gouda and throw it over their shoulders and then the wagon elves would make a big show of picking up the chunk and loading it into the wagon then, when the wagon was full, they'd push the wagon back out the little tunnel. They'd be gone only an instant and then they'd return with their wagons empty and skip back over to where the shovelers and pick axers were working and do it all over again. I was mesmerized and so was my cat. As we stood watching I became aware of something odd...my reflection in the store window. I had on striped stockings, green Lederhosen, and a perky little cap. I thought, "ut oh..." and I looked down at Rosebud...she also had on green Lederhosen and a cap set at a jaunty angle. She didn't have on the stockings but it still made me nervous. She mewed at me. I said, "Come on, lets get going..." and we both started skipping down the street.

December 15, 2007

2007-12-15T06:55:00.000-08:00

Last night's dream...Last night I dreamt that I was strolling down what appeared to be a street in London. The shop windows had crisps and tea and tea cups and English saddles, and fish and chips, and other "English" things in them and the air just felt British. I had on a black dress and a black coat and so at first I didn't notice but after a while I realized that I had a big hole in my torso. The hole went straight through me and was about the size of a hockey puck. I stuck my hand through it and wiggled my fingers. It disturbed me somewhat but not as much as you'd think. Since there was no pain or discomfort I decided to button my coat and continue with my walk. The sun was just about to set as I passed a park. All the trees took on that black look that they do just before the sun goes away. I love that time of day. There was a very slight moon in the sky and some birds were flying home. It was unusually quiet. A beautiful moment. Then I thought about the hole again and took a peek. It was still there. I decided to walk through a bit of the park...just on the edge...the streetlights started coming on and the shop keepers were coming out of their shops and locking up for the night. A few smiled or waved at me. I reached a part of town that was mostly homes with a little pub or shop on an occasional corner. I could hear distant laughter when a pub door would open and close behind a satisfied customer. I saw something shiny in the road up ahead. A big black taxi passed over the object and stopped to let someone out. I loitered a bit being drawn, as I am, to shiny objects. The taxi departed and the object glinted again in the light of a distant streetlamp. I looked up and down the street. It was deserted. I walked into the road and retrieved the object. It was a disk covered in clear Swarovski crystals. I flipped it over. Attached to the center of the disk was a little piece of paper with words typewritten in arial that said, "This side up". I opened my coat and sure enough the disk fit the hole in my torso perfectly. I checked twice to make sure "This side up" was side up. Once I had the disk secured I buttoned my coat and walked over to the pub on the corner for a little celebration drink.

December 5th, 2007

2007-12-05T09:47:00.000-08:00

Last night's dream...I was on skis going down a really, really big mountain ski path. I had on a puffy white ski outfit, the skiis were white too, as were the poles. It was all white and I thought, "If I crash no one will find me in all this white." I had very little control and was at the mercy of fate. I kept trying to figure out a way to slow down or even stop. A way to change my direction so that instead of going straight down at a mind numbingly fast pace I might start going sideways and then maybe I could even do a little cross country skiing, which I had always wanted to try and have heard was quite relaxing. I continued to bomb down the very steep hill snow flying from my skiis in big fans of concern. I had poles but was holding them up slightly from the ground. "Do I tuck them under my arms like I've seen on TV? Or do I try to poke them, gently, into the ground which might start to slow me down? Or send me ass over tea kettle..." I was in a quandry. "What to do? What to do?" Then my mind wandered for awhile because I didn't want to have to make a decision at all. All the decisions seemed life threatening. Finally I quit daydreaming (about Brad Pitt!?!?!?) and brought my mind back to the problem at hand. "What are the pros?" I thought to myself. Then my mind went blank. "It's pretty!" I thought. "Yes, the snow is pretty, the air is crisp...my outfit is pretty cool looking even thought it makes me look puffy." I chewed on all this for awhile and then thought again..."What are the cons?" Then my mind filled with all the other things besides the fact that it was pretty and crisp and I had on a cool outfit. I sighed. A blue bird flew over to me from a tree and perched on my shoulder. I thought that was pretty cool. "Put your poles down." it whispered in my ear. I thought, "Wow, is this some kind of message from GOD?" I decided to TRUST and I put my poles down very gingerly into the snow. I immediately began to flip and skid and get tossed around unmercifully. Snow filled my mouth and nose, I gasped for air every time I thought my face was facing up out of the snow. I tumbled for what felt like forever. Finally I came to rest. A white body in a white snow bank. With little chance of survival. The blue bird laughed and laughed.

Dec. 4, 2007

2007-12-05T09:45:00.000-08:00

Last night’s dream…I dreamt I was buying a plastic shopping bag from a guy on the street. He told me the price and I tried to hand him a quarter but he said it was 5 times too much and he wouldn’t take it. I turned to the guy next to me and asked if he had change and then I realized the absurdity of that and made the guy take the quarter for the bag.

Nov. 21, 2007

2007-11-21T08:31:00.000-08:00

Last night's dream: I don't remember much but I do remember there was a clown, a pair of dice, a harmonium, I was wearing a corset and carrying a gun in one hand and a egg in the other and I was being followed by all the townspeople.

November 13, 2007

2007-11-13T07:51:00.000-08:00

Last night's dream...I was walking the cats, Rumi and Tilc, on little leashes. Rumi kept turning to Tilc and saying, "Let's do the monkey walk...like on the Monkee's show...come on!" and Tilc would look away from her as if to say, "Dream on Sister...this boy don't do no monkey..." This went on for several minutes Rumi getting more insistent and Tilc ignoring her. It was sunset and the sky in Arizona was pink and blue and grey and just lovely. I saw something glittering in the road ahead and stopped to pick it up. It was a key. There was tape on the key and some words I couldn't make out. Then suddenly it was dark and the sky was filled to bursting with stars. Rumi and Tilc had vanished. I stood alone on the road. The wind picked up and I shivered. "Time to head for home." I thought and turned around to head back but suddenly realized I had no idea where I was. "I'm up high..." I thought, "I need to walk down..." and headed down the street towards a street light that seemed miles away. I began to hum the tune from THE SOUND OF MUSIC...the CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN song. then I suddenly burst out the words and as I looked down I saw that I was in nun attire. I looked around expecting to see Julie Andrews or the kids or someone from the movie but I was alone in the world. I realized that from my belt hung a magnifying glass and that I still had the key clutched in my hand. I held up the key and the magnifying glass and tried to make out the words but it was too dark. Suddenly there was a falling star and I quickly held up the key and the glass and read, "Key to your future...don't lose it." Then a big black bird swooped down and knocked the key from my hand...it rolled and clinked end over end and fell down a metal covered drain where I heard it bounce and knock against the sides of the drain until it landed with a gently "clink" a long ways away. The bird swooped back down and landed a few feet away from me. "Don't worry" she said, "There's always a plan B."

November 12

2007-11-12T08:05:00.000-08:00

Last night's dream...I was walking through a grocery store looking for cake mix. Every aisle I went down had vegetables in some form...one aisle had canned, one had frozen, one had fresh, one had just pictures of vegetables that you could buy. I stopped a young pimply faced boy who was wearing a shirt with the grocery store name emblazoned across the back and a name tag. "Young man, I said, Where is the cake mix?" He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "I don't work here lady." I went to the front of the store where there was a convenient store map...I looked at it for a long time but it kept blinking and changing. The text on the map would shift really quickly. At one point I thought I saw CAKE MIX up in the left corner but by the time I shifted my eyes to that point in space it said SPINACH. I was getting very scared because I could not find the cake mix. I looked down and someone had loaded my cart with bell peppers, carrots, lettuce, bok choy, corn, squash, and tomatoes. I looked at the cart and something dawned on me, "Tomatoes are NOT a vegetable!" I shouted. "They are a fruit! HA HA!" I exclaimed. The other shoppers glanced over at me and then quickly glanced away. The cart sat there laden with vegetables. I looked down and realized I had a magic wand in my left hand. I had on a little fairy costume with diaphanous wings and a small frilly skirt. I waved the wand. Nothing happened. I waved it again. Still nothing. I pointed it at the cart and waved it. Nothing. I pointed it at a little old lady and her shopping cart. Nothing. "Stupid wand." I muttered. "It's just a prop. It's not real." said a voice. I looked around then I looked down at the cart. One of the red bell peppers had a mouth with red lips and big white teeth. "It's just a prop. A fake wand. You're not really a fairy." The pepper explained patiently. I leaned down close and whispered to the Pepper, "Where is the cake mix?"

Oct. 28

2007-10-28T09:23:00.000-07:00

Last night's dream...I was on the Eiffel tower. There was a slight breeze. I had on a sports uniform, like a basketball outfit, and these outrageously large high top tennis shoes…the kind that cost an arm and a leg and have pumps in them and lights that flicker when you walk and mine even played little tunes when I jumped up and down. I found this out because as I was standing on the Eiffel Tower there was suddenly a bug, a very big and slimy bug, and I jumped up and down to get out of its way as it traversed the walkway. It had a little camera around its neck and I thought, “Oh, just another tourist…like me.” I decided to climb out on to a parapet that suddenly appeared…”I can get a really good shot from there!” I thought. Meaning a photograph. I climbed out and all of Paris spread below me! It was glorious and after I took the picture I decided to fly around a bit. I pumped up the shoes and after pumping for a really long time little wings began to appear on either side of each shoe. “Groovy.” I sighed. Once the wings were of a size that I figured could hold me I leapt off the parapet and went for a little flight around Paris. It was a little chilly, but other than that, it pretty much rocked.
I got thirsty so I did a little somersault kind of thing to get to my shoes so that I could pump them down enough to land. Once I was on the ground again I strolled around until I found a quaint little café on the outskirts of what appeared to be the seedy side of town. I ordered an espresso and it came in a little tiny cup shaped like a trophy. As I raised it to my lips I realized it was a little miniature trophy. There was writing on the side of the trophy but it was too small to see. Luckily there was an antique store next door to the café and I got up and strolled over with my cup, popped inside, and asked , in broken French, if I might borrow a magnifying glass for a short time. The old guy was mean and crusty about it but once I explained that I was Canadian and not American he came across with the magnifying glass. I held it up to the trophy and read, “Congratulations! You’ve arrived.”

Oct. 21

2007-10-21T20:49:00.000-07:00

Last night's dream...I dreamt that I was walking down a street and balloons were floating down all around me. The sky was a perfect crystal blue and the balloons were yellow, red, green, blue, purple, and pink. All the balloons had faces painted on them with black magic marker. Some of the faces were smiling and some had little round "o" mouths like they were surprised. The balloons would float towards the ground and then suddenly be bouyed by a wind I couldn't see or feel. Then they'd go up again and swirl around and come back down toward the ground. Up and down. I bought an ice cream and sat on a park bench and watched the balloons. An old woman came and sat down next to me. She had an ice cream too. We smiled at each other and then I said, "Boy, these balloons are really something else huh?" And the old lady smiled and said, "Yes, I watch them every day." and I said, "I wonder who paints the faces on them." and the old lady said, "Oh, the priests do that. So that their souls can go to heaven." The old lady vanished and I was alone again on the park bench watching the balloons float around, eating my ice cream and counting the faces with the O's.

Oct. 18

2007-10-18T13:26:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I was wearing a talking sombrero. It was questioning my integrity and hinting that I may not weigh as much as I said I weighed on my driver's license. Then it laughed and sang.

Oct. 17

2007-10-17T08:13:00.001-07:00

Last night's dream...The Cheese sisters were on another road trip. They were driving a 1961 black Cadillac with the awesome fins. A small disco ball dangled from the rear view mirror. The sun was at just the right angle to cast discs of light on both sisters. Jack Cheddar was driving, Gouda was attempting to navigate but the only map was for Las Vegas and they weren't really in Las Vegas...they weren't sure where they were. They came upon a four way stop. Jack Cheddar stopped. The car idled. The sisters looked to the right, they looked straight ahead, they looked to the left. They looked straight ahead again. The car idled. Gouda got out of the car and opened the trunk. She took a hunk of Jarlsberg and a beer out of the cooler, she got back into the car, cracked the beer and took a long draw. She nibbled on the Jarlsberg and handed a little chunk to Jack Cheddar. Jack gnawed at the cheese and looked around. Then she opened the glove box and took out the Giant Tarot deck. She hummed as she shuffled and then she got out of the car and laid out a 10 card spread on the hood of the Caddy. The engine hummed under the cards. Gouda drank more of the beer and started to say something but stopped. She got out and looked at the Tarot spread. "Hey...all major arcana...you did that last time too..." Gouda said. Then she knocked back the last of the beer walked over to the side of the road and lay face down, spread eagle, on the ground. Jack Cheddar hummed. "More cheese!" Jack called to Gouda. Gouda got up, went to the trunk and retrieved a block of Havarti. They got back in the car. Gouda shared the cheese. "Havarti?" Jack verified. "The cards indicate a turn to the right is required." "Okay." replied Gouda. "I was thinking to turn right anyway, when we drove up to the stop sign." "Okay." replied Gouda. "Right should be right, know what I mean?" "Okay." replied Gouda. Jack Cheddar chewed more Havarti. "Okay." Gouda nodded with finality. Jack Cheddar put the car into gear, flicked the turn signal and turned left. "Okay." Gouda sighed. "You want to hear some music?" Jack asked. "Okay." replied Gouda. Jack rolled down the power windows and slammed on the gas.