Last night's dream 8/4/09

Last night I dreamt that I was driving down I-5 in a flesh colored 1960 cadillac. I had on big white sunglasses and a blue scarf tied around my head to protect my hairdo. I had red red red lipstick on and was smiling recklessly at nothing. Sheryl Crow was rocking on the radio. I had a bag of Ruffles in my lap and was snacking occasionally from the bag and licking my fingers so the wheel wouldn't get greasy. I had a bottle of club soda and I was having a tough time opening and closing the bottle between slugs. I was very concerned about losing the fizz. I thought, "Why doesn't club soda taste like regular water when it loses it's fizz? It tastes like...something else...a not very pleasant something else." Then I let the matter drop and hummed along with Cheryl. I passed a chicken along the side of the road and laughed my ass off. I glanced into the rearview mirror and was chagrined to see a baby laying on the back seat. A butt naked slightly glowing baby. And I thought, "Oh great! I'm transporting an angel baby...am I speeding?!? I can't get pulled over transporting an angel baby! Man, I'd be in some serious trouble if I was found with this angel baby....how the heck did I get an angel baby anyway???" Then I returned to the chip bag to munch and ponder. And that's when I breezed right through the red light. So, of course, there's a cop on a motorcycle adn he appears from nowhere (how do they do that?!?!?) and he's giving me the "pull over lady" sign and I'm trying to figure out how to hide the angel baby fast! So I dump the bag of chips on the floor and kick all the chips under the seat and stomp on them so I end up with just chip dust and then I reach behind me and stuff the angel baby gently into the chip bag and then I reach into the glove box and there is a chip bag resealer device in there and I reseal the chip bag and toss the bag gently into the seat behind me and then I pull over.
"Is there a problem officer?" I ask pulling out my lipstick and giving myself a little freshening up as I hand him my license and registration. Just as he's taking them from my hand I realize that the license I'm handing him is not my license but what appears to be a young Asian man's license and that the registration is not for the car but for my espresso machine instead. "Oh boy!" I think and my hand shakes a little and I smear my red red red lipstick just a bit. Suddenly Cheryl stops singing and a voice says, "This is a special announcement from the government of the Universe! This is a special announcement from the government of the Universe! Grab the nearest person and do-si-do!" And I think, "Oh for heaven's sake! Not now!" The cop opens the door and offers his hand and I pop out and we do-si-do on I-5. I look around and everyone is do-si-do-ing. The cop says, "Ain't it a beautiful world, Ma'am?" And I agree but what I'm really thinking is "How long can an angel baby breathe in a sealed chip bag?" As I am doing the rudimentary calculations in my head the song ends and the cop puts me back in my cadillac, tips his helmet, and wishes me a good day. I rip open the chip bag and pull out the angel baby dusting off all the chip dander from it's glowing skin. I tuck the chip baby next to me and buckle us both up, then I crank up Cheryl on the radio and head back down the road. Pretty soon I see one of those weigh station signs and there is a small orange sign tacked to the bottom of it saying, "Angel Baby drop off point". A huge sigh of relief busts out of me and I flip the blinker and slow the caddy down. I didn't have the proper paperwork and it took FOREVER to drop off the angel baby but in the end it all worked out okay (it was a bitch trying to explain away why there was chip dust between the angel babies toes...who knew the inspection would be that detailed?!?!)and I was finally able to get back to the open road. I was just thinking about hitting a Cracker Barrel when I happened to glance once again into the rearview mirror to find a little devil baby laying butt naked on the seat glowing back at me.

Last night's dream 8/3/09

Last night I dreamt that I was in a high-end shoe store. I was trying on Jimmy Choo's and Manolo's and the like. Nothing was fitting right and I was getting chisky. The clerk knew he was losing a sale so he turns to me and says, "Wait right here Ma'am...I have something special in the back that I think will be perfect for you." So I wait and I pick up shoes and plunk them back down. I see my reflection in a mirror and realize my face is all scrunched up with dissatisfaction. I unscrunch it and try to remain optomistic. The clerk returns with two shoes boxes. He sets them on the floor and guides me to a chair in front of the boxes. I sit. He kneels down and opens both boxes at the same time with a theatrical flourish. Inside each box is a bunny. One box has a black bunny sitting on white tissue and the other box has a white bunny sitting on black tissue. "Now these babies!, he crows, "These babies are you!"

Last night's dream 8/2/09

Last night I dreamt I was in the woods. It was dawn. It was cold. There was frost on the ground. I had on a hunter's jacket, pants, and one of those hats with flaps--all in that mottled army fabric so I was hard to see. But on my feet I had on a pair of Manolo Blahnik shoes. They were getting ruined in the mud and effluvia of the woods. Suddenly I heard movement to my left and spun around losing my balance and crashing to the ground. My gun went off and I screamed like a little girl. Out of the woods came a little man about a foot tall with a pointy hat on his head. “Ooooohhhh, a mighty hunter!” He squealed in mock alarm. I sat up and stared. “Got any jellybeans?” He asked. “N…no.” I stammered. “I have some kind of power bar thing…” I murmured. “A what?” he asked. “Some healthy crap.” I explained. “Well, that won’t do. Fire your gun again.” He commanded. “W…..what?” I stammered. “Good gravy woman! Fire your #@#&* GUN!” He yelled. I stood up, pointed the gun at the air and fired. Thousands of jellybeans fell from the sky littering the floor of the forest with color. There was a rustling in the undergrowth and suddenly hundreds of little one foot tall men and women and half foot tall children came out of hiding and began retrieving the beans. I fell back on my ass and sat in silence watching the collection process. “Close your mouth honey.” the little man said gently. I closed my mouth. “I….I….don’t….understand….” I finally spit out. “Everything in life isn’t supposed to be understood Pumpkin,” he said, “Some things are just to be enjoyed.” The collection process ended and the little people disappeared into the forest each giving a friendly wave and a nod. I stood up and grabbed my gun and began walking away. Something hit the top of my head and after recovering from what I was pretty sure was a coronary, I looked down to see a watermelon flavored jellybean laying at my feet.

Last night's dream 8/1/09

Last night I dreamt I was cooking. I had a pot of water on the stove with the flame turned to high waiting for it to boil. I put the lid on the pot to hurry the process along and then I went to get dressed as I realized I was only wearing an apron! I put on a 1950's cocktail dress that was black and lime green with red rhinestones all over it. I put on some stockings and a really beautiful pair of shoes that were black and lime green with red rhinestones all over them! Then I put the apron back on (it's covered with cats) and went back to the stove. I lifted the lid and the water was boiling and all the little boil bubbles turned into little cartoon faces and they started singing "My Girl". And at each of the "My girl!" repeats some of the bubbles would pop dramatically. I was giggling like a school girl and hoping that they'd sing more when the guests arrived when suddenly the water quit boiling and became totally flat like a mirror. Like an idiot I stuck my finger into it to see if it was still a liquid and burned my finger. I left the stove and ran for the aloe vera gel. Once I had gelled and bandaged my finger I went back to the pot. Now there was vegetables and meat in the pot and all the ingredients had paired off and were waltzing around the bottom of the pot which was now the size of a small ballroom. I had grown big black crow's wings and descended down to the bottom of the pot, aka the dance floor. There a big chunk of stew meat grabbed my arm and spun me around and around. The song ended and before I could get away a carrot yanked me forward and cha cha'ed me across the floor. We made small talk but it was very strained. Once again, when the song ended I tried to get away only to be accosted by a walla walla onion that pulled me a little too close for comfort and began a racy salsa with me. Luckily my stew meat partner cut in and we tangoed around for a moment or two before I was able to make excuses and leave the dance floor/bottom of the pot. I unfurled my wings and flew back up out of the pot and found myself back in the kitchen staring down at the pot. Once again it was filled with boiling water. The water refused to sing. The doorbell rang and I went to greet my guests.

Last night's dream 7/31/09

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Last night I dreamt that there was a power failure and I was sitting in the complete pitch dark. Rosebud, or was it Nigel?, was curled on my lap and I was eating a popsicle somewhat frantically as I could feel it dripping down my hand and arm. I think I see a little pinprick of light outside the window so I get up to investigate. I press my face against the window and realize that it's a train coming at me. I look down and see that there are tracks running through my living room and I think, "Oh great! I just vacuumed this place!" The train rushes at me and now the little pinprick of light has become a huge searchlight and I look down and see that I'm holding a sack of organic potatoes and not Rosebud or Nigel. I step off the tracks at the last possible second and the train whooshes past me. In the caboose I see my family. They all wave. I wave back. We blow kisses to each other. A white crow flies across the tracks. I drop the back of potatoes and then all the lights come on.

Last night's dream 7/29/09

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Last night's dream...I dreamt that Rosebud, Nigel, and I were on a roadtrip. Rosebud kept throwing up rose petals and Nigel began singing "Take Me To The River" and dancing with his shoulders bopping up and down and he kept asking me, "Do I look like David Byrne, Mom?" I told him, "Yes, yes, you do. Now Mom has to keep her eyes on the road honey." I asked Rosebud if she wanted me to stop the car and she said, "Heck yes Mom I'm barfing all over the car!" So we stop and she gets out and goes over to a big stand of cactus and vomits rose petals all over the cactus and it blooms into a little house. We all go into the house and there is a little fireplace in there with a fire going and a couch in front of the fireplace. The three of us curl up on the couch and pull a big quilt over all of us. A man walks out of the fire and says, "I'm God and Elliott, you are going to have to sacrifice either Rosebud or Nigel." And I reach over to the fruit bowl on the coffee table and throw an orange at him and grab both the cats and hightail it out of there.
Then I'm in a little airplane and Rosebud is my co-pilot and I look out and Nigel is a wing walker. I am wearing one of those old style leather helmets and big goggles, so is Rosebud. So is Nigel. Nigel also has on a cape that flaps behind him enthusiastically.

"Nigel! Get your butt in here!"

"WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!"

"Nigel!"

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Nigel Mewheim!"

"HI MOM!"

He stays on the wing. I am scared but also proud of him.

Suddenly something catches my eye and I look over at the dashboard.

There is an orange.

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