Last night's dream 12/11/09

Last night I dreamt I was in Venice and was on one of the many canals. I was eating marshmellows out of a bag. Tons of pigeons were crowding around me wanting one of those tasty white treats. I kept telling them, "These babies are for me, and only me! Go on now, go with your bad selves! Back to the plaza!" And to my amazement they all flew off in a huge white cloud of wings and beady black eyes. "Hmmm!" I thought with a little toss of my head, thinking I was super cool. Then I saw him sitting in the boat with me with his arm still held in the air in a waving dismissive gesture. "Jesus..." I mumbled. "Hi!" Jesus said all chummy. I wasn't feeling very chummy towards Jesus. We had just gotten out of the pokey for, like, the fifth time since arriving in Italy. "Gosh! It sure is beautiful on this canal!" Jesus mused. I went to take a little puff of white out of the bag and to my chagrin realized that the marshmellows now rested on Jesus' lap. "Hey! Come ON now!" I gestured angrily at the bag. Jesus giggled mischievously and handed me back the bag. I grabbed it back, irritated. The bag was empty. Jesus giggled again and waved his hand and the bag was full. Of mini rice cakes. "Better for you...and for that...um...little waistline of yours. I flushed with anger, embarrassment, and shame. "Oh great! Is this your way of being loving and kind?!?!" I asked with tears gathering in my eyes and threatening to slide down my face. "Oh for cryin' out loud!" muttered Jesus. "Try to have a little sarcastic fun...try to be just the slightest bit cynical! But NNNNNOOOOOOO! Not Jesus...Jesus can't be sarcasticcynicallyclevernaughtygossipyflirtynastybitinglyfunny...he's got to be the GOOD BOY! Well I'm SICK of it!" And he, somehow he got the bag of marshmellows back, threw the bag up in the air and little white blocks of delight came down littering the canal, the boat, and us.
"Tsk."
"Come on..."
"No...you know it's true..."
"Come on now..."
"I have to be so "Up-With-People-ish" all the f-ing time! It's not FAIR!"
Here I had to really, really just breathe. Nothing else. Just take in some breaths. I think I hummed a little. Because Jesus is not "the good boy". I mean, HOLY CRAP! He's in trouble ALL the time! I am constantly having to get us out of jams! He's the flirting-est religious icon I know! He's sassy, mean-spirited, goofy, and glowy. He's the definition of sarcasm and he's the definition of grace. As I hummed some more I realized just how important he was in my life and when I thought of him being the definition of grace I got truly, really truly, this is no embellishment...I got choked up. He was my hero.
"You know your my savior...right?" I said.
He blushed! OMG! Jesus blushed at me!!!
"It's true. I don't know what I would do if we didn't know each other. There would be a really big hole in my life. You know that right?"
"Yeah..." he muttered with a little upside down smile on his face which showcased his dimples quite nicely.
"What do you want to do? Get some gelato?!?!" I asked.
"Paragliding!" He said hopefully.
"Again!?!?" I asked and his face started to fall but I was laughing and he started laughing too.
"I love you dude." Jesus said.
"I love you too." I said back.

Last night's dream 12/07/09

Last night I dreamt that Jesus and I were at happy hour and he had knocked back a few and he was talking about his dad...again.
"Everyone thinks Dad is a planner! Dad's not a planner...no. He's a spur of the moment guy! Really, you think he sat down and diagrammed out some of this shit?"
I tried to change the subject..."Isn't our waiter a cutie?" I tried.
"Like platypuses, Hitler, colic for babies, whipped cream in a can, osteoporosis, ostriches, shooting stars, the mojito..." and here he holds up his mojito. "All FLUKES!"
"Well..." I begin.
"And FLUKES too! Flukes are flukes...He would finish dinner, turn to Mom and say, 'Goin' to the basement for awhile.' and off he'd trot and sit there in a broken down barco-lounger...oh, it was so cool, it was red leather and that thing ROCKED. I could sell that on Ebay for, like, I bet maybe a thousand bucks!"
"Well..." I get out.
"So he'd sit in this barco-lounger and he's mutter to himself for awhile and pop a Pepsi or a Pabst. Pretty soon he'd be up and rummaging around in these tubs he kept down there and the next thing you know he'd come up and drop something like a platypus or a toucan on to the dining room table and make all of us kids comment on it. Mom would literally run out of the house and be watering the garden (of Eden) or something by the time he reached the top of the stairs. We kids didn't mind, she had to put up with him all the years before we were all born so..."
"Well..." I attempted.
"So this toucan or maybe a macaw or a miniature pony or a goatee would be sitting there and we'd have to give it stars. Five stars was super good and one star was like a 'try-again-dad' thing. No one ever gave Dad one star!" and Jesus burst into giggles.
"Well..."
"Yeah, there WAS one time that Neil, my brother Neil, gave Dad one star and (eruption of giggles) oh crap man! Dad turned Neil into a miniature putt putt golf course for three days! See! No planning! He just pulled stuff like that out of his ass! (another giggle eruption)"
"Well..."
Silence.
"Oh! Well..."
"Yeah, my old man! I couldn't be prouder! Don't get me wrong! The imagination on that guy! It's AMAZING!!! I mean he is ALWAYS thinking! And 99% of the time he's spot on! Brilliant! But I really live for that other 1%, know what I mean? I live for those times when Dad goes a little tilt-a-whirl on shit! (more giggling)"
"Well..."
"And the coolest thing about Dad? He's all forgiving. Yeah, he might turn you into a golf course or something when he's ticked off but then he comes around and forgives everyone for any stupid shit they do. That's the real beauty of Dad. Hey, let's get another mojito, `k?"

Last night's dream 12/05/09

Last night I dreamt I was in a Mexican bar in Mexico. It was a rough bar. It was not a good situation. I was very nervous. I sat off in the corner mostly staring down at the floor or at my festive alcoholic beverage. I didn't realize it until something was said but I was doing that annoying habit that I have...I was twiddling my thumbs.
"Thumb twiddler, uh?" Shouted out a guy who had a scar running across his face.
"You come in HERE and twiddle?!?!" Yelled a really big hairy guy with no shirt.
"I..." I choked out.
"What you BORED, Thumb twiddler? Is that it? We BORE you?" Demanded a guy with one eye.
"I..." Hoarsely.
"Come on Thumb Twit! Let us in on your little secret! Why you so BORED here, uh? WHY you come in HERE and twiddle like that, uh? And it better be GOOD!" said a really enormous guy with a mustache and tattoos...who turned out to be the barmaid.
"No..." I struggled to raise my voice above a whisper. "No...not bored...shy...uncomfortable...nervous...not...bored, no...I'm...not me...lovely...bar...really...great...decor...good....stuff...festive drinks...lovely..." I spewed out between the thunder of my heartbeats.
They all glared at me menacingly.
Then Barbara Streisand bursts through the door in her Yentl attire and a birthday cake in her hands. The cake is shaped like a turduken. Everyone gathers around and a rousting round or three of happy birthday ensues.
I'm forgotten in my corner. Twiddling my thumbs in earnest.

Last night's dream 12/04/09

Last night I dreamt I was hanging from a cliff. My heart was pounding near out of my chest and I was a hairs breath from panic. I kept moving my legs and feet seeking a tiny bit of purchase just enough to take the stress off my arms and hands. There was nothing. Nothing. Jesus appeared over the edge of the cliff, smiling down at me. "Let go." he encouraged. "Help me!" I begged. "Help me up!" He shook his head no and really smiled and repeated, "Let go. It'll be fine." I looked over my shoulder and the drop was so magnificent that I couldn't see the bottom. Just a black pit. "Help me up! Help me up!" I pleaded. Again the smile, the head shake, the gentle, "It'll be alright...just...let...go." I proceeded to explore the wall with my feet and legs. I grew frantic. My arms were tiring and I knew I couldn't hold much longer. Jesus sighed. "I'll help you." he said, and stood up. Then he stomped his foot down on my right hand as hard as he could. I screamed and let go of the cliff. Now I dangled one handed from the cliff's edge. Jesus smiled and stomped on my left hand. I released the cliff's edge and down, down, down I went...falling through space. Falling. Then "thwunk" I landed. In your arms. In the arms of love.

Last night's dream 12/03/09

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud, Nigel, and I were going to Goodwill. Rosebud was cranky because she wanted to stay at home and sleep and Nigel was cranky because I didn't let him bring his Q-tip stick. I had put a few things in the cart to try on. One was this really fabulous leopard print top that I was positive would make my waist look tiny whilst drawing attention to my magnificent rack. As a bonus it had the half price color tag! Nigel came down the aisle dragging a junior scientist chem lab box. "Moooommmmm!" he foamed excitedly, "I can blow things up!" Then he saw my face and his face fell. "Moooooommmmmmm!" he said beseechingly, "I'll only blow up small things! Pleeeaaaassssseeeee Moooooommmmmmmmm!" Rosebud comes up behind him and shoves her knee into the back of his knee and he goes sprawling. Then he starts crying. I look around and everyone is staring. "Nigel, Nigel..." I croon, "Come here little Fella." I pick up Nigel and he sinks into my shoulder and I pat his back. Then he starts the fist punching in thin air thing that he does. I have no idea what this means but I let him punch a little air until he calms down. "Look, let's pass on the lab and I'll get us all chicken and liver treats for tonight!" Nigel shakes his head "Okay" excitedly. Boy loves his chicken and liver. Then I turn to deal with Rosebud. I spot her at the far end of the store innocently leafing through paperbacks. I sigh. I turn around ready to head for the dressing room to try on a few things. I look down and the leopard print top is gone! I look around the cart thinking maybe Nigel knocked it out. It's nowhere to be found. "Tsk!" I think. Then I head to the dressing rooms and see that one is occupied and the second one is empty. I go in with Nigel who makes a face. He doesn't really like to see me in my "all unders" as he calls them. "You can face the wall or close your eyes..." I state. He goes in with me and pulls out a pouch of jacks and a ball. He doesn't play, he just examines them. I am trying on one of my finds when I catch a glimpse of a leopard print sleeve brushing the floor of the dressing room stall next to me. Sharp intake of breath! "Why the nerve..." I mutter low and menacingly--safe in my dressing room. Then I hear, "With a little tuck here and a little tuck there, Hot 70's Disco Night, here I come!" I yell out, "Jesus!" There is silence in the other dressing room. A pregnant pause and then furtive gathering of items and the sound of an attempt to open the door without making a sound. "Jesus Christ!" I shout again. Then I realize that I am in a dressing room and that the whole store is probably staring my way. "Nigel, stay here, honey." I say as I turn and yank open my door. There stands Jesus attempting to slink away with the leopard print top under his arm. "What are you DOING?!?!" I say accusingly. "Oh, yeah, accuse, accuse, accuse!" He snorts. "As if I haven't had enough of THAT in my life!"
"You can't steal things out of people's carts, especially out of FRIENDS carts, like that just because you had a rough childhood! We ALL have damn it. We ALL have!" and I look around for support but the other shopping ladies are all averting their eyes and moving away slowly but purposefully towards housewares. "Tsk." says Jesus and hands over the leopard print top. I go back into the room and try it on. It doesn't fit. I come back out and hand it back to Jesus who whoops a little bit and does a few opening steps to "The Hustle". Rosebud is leaning against the outside wall of the dressing room texting. She gives Jesus the hairy eyeball. The two just don't get along. Nigel comes out of the dressing room with his little sack of jacks and balls and yells, "Uncle Jesus!" and leaps into Jesus' arms. "Hey little bud!" says Christ. "How's it hanging?" "Long and wide!" replies Nigel. He doesn't know what it means but that's what his Uncle has taught him to reply. Jesus always has a little tickle from this. So I stand watching him chuckle and Nigel looking hopeful that he's said it right and Rosebud yawning and texting. I say, "Ok, who's up for chicken and liver treats?" and we all wave a hand in the air.

Last night's dream 12/02/09

Last night I dreamt that Jesus came over.
"What do you want to do Little E?" (he calls me Little E sometimes. Mostly its okay but sometimes its condescending and I get irked. On this occasion it was said in an affectionate tone so I was good with it.)
"Ummm...want to get soft tacos?" I suggested.
"Not hungry."
"Oh...well...we could go to happy hour somewhere..."
"Groovy, dude, groovy!" (He calls me dude sometimes too and that one does bugs me. I always want to point out that I'm a gal and that if anything I'm a dudette but he counters with the old doctor/doctorette and outdated actor/actress argument. So I just let him call me dude sometimes.)
So we headed to the local gay bar. First of all because it's Palm Springs and where else ya gonna go? And secondly because Jesus prefers gay bars. I'm not saying Jesus is gay! You want to know about Jesus' sexuality YOU ask him. I do think it's safe to reveal that when Jesus has had a couple of mojitos he loosens up and is a MAJOR flirt! He's good at it too! But, he KNOWS it. And that spoils it a little for me. He acts very innocent but, hey, he's the son of God so innocence gets trumped by the all-knowingness thing. He flirts with everybody! Everybody. Actually, he's kinda slutty. In a very spiritual way! Very spiritual. But also very slutty.
Anyway, we head to the gay bar and Jesus always does this other thing that bugs me. He produces the free drink chip. He just pulls it out of thin air. He hasn't purchased a drink previously to get the chip. I roll my eyes and mutter, "Tsk." But he always replies, "Loaves and fishes, baby, loaves and fishes."
So we're in the gay bar.
A bunch of guys come over and sort of swarm Jesus. It's that magnetism thing he has, the glowy aura around him is like a naked bulb to a bunch of moths. So these guys are laughing at his jokes and buying him drinks and a few are out and out mauling him and Jesus is in his glory! Well, not his, you know, Glory glory, but he's definitely eating up the attention. I even catch him batting his eyelashes.
I have the odd conversation about fashion or shoes or where to shop for thousand thread count sheets and sip my dirty martini. I have found myself in the pokey with Jesus more than once, so I usually keep an eye on him but tonight I got distracted by my own pondering and before I knew it there were words, loud words, being exchanged between a big bear and Jesus and a little bear was standing nearby looking both appalled and excited. "Oh crap!" I mutter and polish off my martini with a quick swig. Then I rush over hoping it isn't too late but Jesus had escalated. He always escalates. I don't know what it is about him but he seems to crave the drama. You'd think after what he's been through that a quiet evening at the local gay bar would be enough but with Jesus it never is! He likes to be in the spotlight and that's exactly where he was right at the moment. The entire bar had hushed and were staring with glee, pity, encouragement, or boredom (depending on age and history) at the bears and Jesus. I plow in, "Jesus, J!, Jesus, what's up dude?" (sometimes I call him dude back because I know he likes it.) "Don't call me dude!" he shrieks. Oh. It's going to be one of THOSE nights. I stand in front of the big bear and say, "Honey, believe me, he ain't worth getting your panties in a twist over. Let me buy you and your fella here..." and he breaks in "MY HUSBAND!" "Yeah, yeah, okay, you and your husband. That's so fucking cool! Wasn't prop 8 a fucking slap?" I say. One to get him interested in something else besides Jesus' bad behavior and two, I don't usually throw around the f word like that but in these situations I have found that (being five foot two) using a little foul language makes me seem taller. So I'm f-ing this and f-ing that and I order up a few drinks and Jesus is being comforted (Comforted!) but a young Asian, so he's distracted, and Jesus is murmuring something about Shintoism. The bears stalk off and I motion to Jesus that it's really time to go. He grabs hold of the Asian and they stroll out of the bar ahead of me. Jesus whispers to the Asian and the Asian laughs gently, with a hand over a little luscious mouth. Jesus comes over and says, "I'm going to do a bad thing! I'm going to ditch you, `k?" He asks all smirky perky. "`K!" I reply smirky perky back. Then he says, with complete sincerity, "Little E! You're the BEST!" And when Jesus compliments you like that, believe me, it lights you up like a Christmas tree! That's why I hang with Jesus. Even when he's smirky perky. It's a faith thing.

Last night's dream 12/01/09

Last night I dreamt that Jesus and I were walking out in the forest. There was a stream to the right and Jesus kept slamming into my shoulder to try and knock me into the stream. "Cut it out..." I said wearily.
Jesus always tried this kind of crap on me when we were together. He slammed me again. "For the love of...!" I exclaimed.
"Come on! I want to baptise you!"
"Forget it!"
"Come on, come on, come on!"
"No. Absolutely not. Can you just let me have my own BELIEFS for a change!"
He starts pouting.
"Tsk."
"Hey, did you see that bird? Little tiny blue thing! How cool!" I try.
"BFD."
I give up, because with Jesus there are very few ways to pull him out of a sulk.
I stumble and fall to the ground. Jesus leaps into action!
"Is anything broken?" he asks excitedly.
"Uh....oh...uh...no, no, nothing broken..."
He looks crestfallen.
"Ow! Ow!" I whinge. "Oh man! I have DEFINITELY sprained the heck out of my ankle, though!" I lie encouragingly.
"I'll HEAL you! I'll HEAL you!" he squeals.
And he does. And now he's happy again.
"You're kinda bored these days, huh?" I ask.
"Oh, you have no idea..." He begins and then goes off into a long rambling diatribe about how in the old days he was respected, misunderstood, feared, adored, attacked, revered...a whole host of reactions. "Now, El...now, people have put me in a little box of understanding. They think they have me all figured out! I'm the son of GOD for crying out loud! Figured out. Can you beat that?!?!?"
"I've never been in your position J." I say. "I really don't know how to help you. I wish I knew what to say or do to ease your pain...but...I don't. And I feel bad about that."
He perks up.
"Tsk." Because I walked right into it.
He slams into my shoulder and I allow myself to tumble into the stream.