Last night's dream 12/22/09

Last night I dreamt that Nigel and I were on a walk around the neighborhood and Nigel was asking me hard to answer questions like, "Why was I born, Mom?" and "Is there pattern to the Universe or is it all Chaos, Mommy?" and "If it is all Chaos, isn't the Chaos itself a kind of pattern, Ma?" and "What's string theory, Momma?" and "Do string theory, quantum physics and fractals merge together at some point to create an even newer form of theory, Mom?" I kept humming and hawing and trying to distract him with comments like, "Oh! Look at that pretty flower!" and "Are you tired yet, little fella? Want to go back home?" and "My, it sure is warm for December, isn't it?" But he wasn't to be distracted. He was hot on trying to figure out the Universe and I was supposed to be the one to help him untangle the web of mystery. "Mommy, I have fractals in my EYES!" he exclaimed and put his eye up really close to mine. "That tree, if we looked at it through a very powerful microscope, IT has fractals!" Then he sighed. "Science is awesome, Mom!" Finally I relented. "When we get home let's look up some of this stuff on the computer, `k?" I suggested. "Yeah!" Nigel said enthusiastically and started running for home. I unlocked the door and he bounded up the stairs. But by the time I got the computer up and running Nigel had found one of his Q-tip sticks (with the fluffy ends removed) and when I said, "Hey Nige, I'm ready to do a search on string theory!" he turned to me said, "Meow." and carried his Q-tip into the living room to play. Science would have to wait.

Last night's dream 12/21/09

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud, Nigel, My Gal, Jesus and I went canoeing. We rented what was referred to as a "family gondola" which simply meant a big ass canoe. Rosebud lolled on the very edge of the very tip of the back of the canoe. Her eyes doing that little slitty thing she does when she'd rather be somewhere else. Nigel was at the opposite end of the edge of the front of the canoe dipping a paw into the water and shaking it off, dipping it in and shaking it off. Jesus lounged back by Rosebud with a paddle across his lap and a hand languidly trailing the surface of the water. My Gal was up with Nigel keeping an eye on him and paddling with precision and efficiency. I was in the center of the canoe making salami, cheese, and mayo sandwiches with french bread.
"To the right," My Gal would say and Jesus would wave his hand a bit and the canoe would go to the right.
"To the left, please."
"Mustard or mayo?" That was me.
"Mayo." Jesus
"Mustard." My Gal. "No, mayo...no...mustard."
"Meow." That was Nigel.
Rosebud, as usual, ignored me and began to shred the canoe with her claws.
"Rose! Rosebud! No, no, no! Rosebud! Rosebud! Rose! No, Rosebud, no, honey, no!" I pleaded and this went on and on until My Gal smacked her paddle in the water and said, "Buttercup! Stop it!" and Rosebud stopped and My Gal gave me her big butch look, a rarity.
"If you could be any animal what animal would you be?" queried Jesus. This was one of his favorite games.
Rosebud gave him the hairy eyeball and Jesus said, "Rosebud McButtercup! I know you would only be you, you, the perfect you! And I know everyone wants to say Rosebud as their first choice so let's just move on to what-animal-would-you-be-if-you-couldn't-be-Rosebud?"
I said, "Vulture, whale, or bee."
My Gal said, "Lion, Pomeranian, or pig."
Jesus said, "Tortoise, hummingbird, or lice."
Nigel didn't understand the question and was too absorbed in wetting and shaking his paw to give it more attention.
We meandered down the river. I love to meander.
"I love to meander," I shared.
"Uh huh! That you do..." My Gal agreed.
"That 40 day thing I did..." mused Jesus, "...that was meandering for sure. You know I ran into Satan on that trip!"
"Uh huh," My Gal and I both said at the same time and rolled our eyes at each other.
"Not very many people know the truth about what Satan and I talked about," Jesus imparted to a now rapt audience of two. Rosebud having had a good stretch had mosied down to Jesus' lap and was curled in a little calico ball snoozing away. Nigel was still doing the dip the paw, shake the paw thing.
"We discussed sports mostly. Beer. The ladies! Ha, ha, ha," joked Jesus.
My Gal and I waited patiently knowing Jesus had to go through this kinda jokey thing before he shared the real wisdom. He was just like that. My Gal kept saying, "He's a humorist." But I think he was the incarnation of Henny Youngman. If I had a nickel for the times he'd said, "Take my Father...please!"
"We talked about morality and mortality." Jesus sighed heavily. "We talked about precious mankind and how heroic and pitiful ya'll are."
We all looked off into different distances around the canoe.
Nigel fell into the water and Jesus levitated him out. My Gal toweled him off. We ate our sandwiches.
Jesus began singing "Row, Row, Row your Boat" and we all joined in in a beautiful round.

Last night's dream 12/19/09

Last night I dreamt that Jesus and I were Christmas shopping at the Mall. We had planned to do all our shopping online but I had ordered something for my girlfriend that came in the mail and...well...I was disappointed when I saw it. Jesus tried to sell me on it.
"It's...nice!" he lied.
"No...no, Jesus...it's not "nice"...it's..."
"She'll like it!" he lied again.
"I really hate it when you lie." I said. "It's one of the things I count on is that you won't lie to me."
"It SUCKS!" he chortled gleefully.
So we were at the Mall. And Jesus was standing in the "Sit on Santa's Lap" line.
"Come on! Do you REALLY have to do this?" I pleaded. "I have to find that one super special item for my gal! The stores will be closing in three hours! Please!" I begged.
"Plenty of time, Big E!" He said enthusiastically. "Gonna sit on Santa's lap!" he added.
"Tsk."
So he stood in line and I kept running to a store and back to the line to check on him (because when you are out with Jesus it's always a good idea to check on him periodically) and then running down the mall to another store. I was having NO LUCK WHAT-SO-EVER in the super special item department. I was sweating. I was anxious. I was getting cranky.
Jesus, who had been waiting in line for over an hour was also starting to get cranky.
Both of us cranky was a bad thing. Who would talk us down?!?!? We began to feed each other's crankiness and started really whipping each other into a frenzy.
"What if Santa decides to take a break before he gets to you?" I asked innocently.
"What if you can't find the super special item tonight? He responded casually.
"What if the mall closes before your turn?" I notched it up a bit.
"What if you NEVER find the super special item and it's Christmas morning?" He was pretty good at notching himself.
"What if..." I began but he interjected...
"...and on Christmas morning your gal opens her presents and her little face is crestfallen and her little lip crumples up and her liquid brown eyes fill with tears and..."
"ALRIGHT!" I shouted.
Lots and lots of people paused to stare but most were sympathetic...it was Christmas shopping after all and it wasn't like I was the only American having a shopping related meltdown.
Jesus sighed. "We need food." he said.
So I ran and got us soft pretzels and Orange Juliuses. We snacked in line and that did help quite a bit.
"Don't worry...you are almost to him now." I said.
"You know if you just gave that gal of yours a big smooch on Christmas morning she'd be happy." he replied.
He might have been truthing right then but I couldn't accept that. My gal was special. I just had to find the super special item. So far online shopping was letting me down and so were the malls. I was forlorn.
Suddenly it was Jesus' turn with Santa.
He asked for peace on earth and an end to all wars and violence (which I felt was redundant) and a vintage train set that we had seen in an antique store downtown (which really wasn't for Santa's benefit but a very broad hint to me) and promised to leave out cookies and milk. Santa was irked that a grown man would (as he interpreted it) make fun of him and waste his time (he had no idea that it was Jesus on his lap) but when Jesus got off his lap he kinda waved his hand at Santa and touched his shoulder and man, these are the moments to live for when you hang with Jesus because that guy in the Santa suit...he just lit up like a...well, a Christmas tree. And his face lost all it's holiday-related anxiety and he kinda sighed into his own heart. And everyone within, oh about a hundred mile radius, felt a bit of the feeling and there was a lot of relaxing and heart expanding going on.
"Super cool." I whispered to him.
"Super cool. " he replied.

Last night's dream 12/17/09

Last night I dreamt that I was in the pokey AGAIN!!! It seems that through NO fault of my own I was involved in a sex scandal AGAIN. See, I was invited to go to this party that my friend said she thought I would find fun and funny. She was going with HER friend who had invited her with the same line and had added casually "...oh, and feel free to bring a guest." It turned out that SHE had been invited by a friend of hers with that exact same speech. So the night of the thing my friend calls and says she's sick. Not only that but that the friend that invited her--she's sick TOO. So this gal that invited the gal that invited my friend that invited me calls me and says in this deep voice edged with a tiny bit of danger "So...(long pause, more danger) YOU still wanna go?" And I'm nervous and DON'T want to go so I blurt out, "Hell YES, I still want to go!" So she picks me up in a Yugo and we head for this warehouse and I'm trying to think of sparkling conversation starters but I can't help peeking under her coat with my eyes every once in a while because I think I can see, but I'm not sure, but I think I can see something that looks like painted on vinyl. Liquid vinyl. And I'm thinking, "Is she wearing painted on LIQUID vinyl?!?! No. Could she be? OMG...OMG...I...she IS! It's got to be! I'm so not dressed right for this..." And I kinda peep down at my own outfit which is a pencil skirt and a black t-shirt and Keds. And I think despairingly, "I'm f*cking wearing KEDS?!?!?!" We finally arrive and the door person, who is wearing a leather outfit that looks a bit like those pajamas with the feet in them but is slightly more than skin tight and of paper-thin leather with little cutouts that you don't want to know where and with a mask over her face and these long Thailand dancer nail things on and I'm trying not to look at the nails or the cutouts or ANYTHING. I'm trying to act super cool and I'm losing it. And the door person murmurs, "Ooooohhhh Keds! You're going to want to head to the far, far back of the warehouse." and she laughs throatily. I have always wanted to laugh throatily but mine is more of a guttural aboriginal word kind of laugh. And now, NOW, it was more of a high pitched anxiety ridden giggle of massively embarrassing proportions. And the gal I came with, she says, "Isn't she tasty?!?!?" Meaning ME. Which I kinda liked that. I mean who doesn't like being referred to as "tasty"? But then I thought about where I was and about what that could really MEAN and I was between another giggle of hysteria and a full out scream of panic. I had to do quite a bit of self-talk. "Reeeeelaaaxxxx!" I cautioned. "Reeeellllaaaaaxxxxxxxx....it's JUST a party. It's JUST a new experience. It's not a big deal. It's a lark...It's a...." and my self-talk froze because in front of me was this drop dead gorgeous creature of, oh almost but not quite, 5' 10" and she was holding a trophy in her hand. And she wasn't wearing much but what she was wearing appeared to be silk and leather which my mind really couldn't quite ALLOW me to wrap around and then I thought, "Wrap around..." and I was lost. LOST! Lost to this world of--I didn't even know what but now I was thinking it might be a really, really good idea. REALLY GOOD. For me to find out. This gorgeous one. She hands the trophy to the door person and purrs, "Can you put this with my coat, please? I just won the contest for...oh...you know...JUST one of the contests..." she said this so casually and in my mind I'm screaming "WHAT?!?!? WHAT?!?!? What did you win FOR?!?!?" And I'm completely smitten by her face and her body and her leather and silk wispy pieces and she turns to me and smiles and I start to fall over. Luckily my Keds had traction and I kind of acted like there was a strong wind that had blown me a bit around and I straightened up and said in a cracked boy-coming-of-age voice, "I'm...uh...I'm...that is...I'M HEADING...to the uh...to the BACK of the...to the uh...(and here I look down at my feet and kind of point) heading to the KEDS portion of the warehouse." and I just reach out and take her arm and say, with just a smidgen more authority, "And...AND...and yoooouuuuu...are...uh...you...YOU (and here I try to keep from fainting and I clutch her arm a little tighter)...Youyou are coming with ME!" And to my amazement I start to stroll...yes, I'm together enough to STROLL towards the back of the warehouse and this creature, this apparition actually strolls with me and smiles at me and lets me actually TOUCH her arm. Now would have been the time to chat casually or maybe offer up some really great innuendo or even flirt openly but no. NO. NO. NO. I was pretty much back to being in a total state of P-A-N-I-C. I was sure this gal, this glorious gal was going to shirk me off her arm and laugh and say something like, "Keds! Ha!" and stroll away to the feather or leather or pleather or whips or whipped cream sections of the warehouse...but she didn't. She even kind of moved closer to me. I felt a heart attack preparing itself in my chest. I really just wanted to leave there and get this gal her coat and head to, I don't know, maybe Denny's. I wanted to find out if she liked decaf or regular coffee, I wanted to know if she preferred pancakes or waffles. I wanted to put some clothes on her so that I could take some clothes off her. I wanted to hear her snore...I wanted her to meet my Mom. I wanted to play Yahtzee with her. I wanted to... We reached the KEDS section of the warehouse. She looked down at me and smiled. I looked up at her and blushed.
"I don't know what to do now." I confessed.
"You don't?!?"
"I've never been to a Ked's party." I admitted.
She laughed..."Oh, you'll be fine."
I started, "But..."
"I'll go with you." she promised.
So I took a deep breath and was ready to part the curtains and find out what really happened in the Keds section when the doors burst open and we were raided. Someone mistakenly identified me as one of the organizers and with my management background from my old job in corporate America the police thought it made sense. So there I was. In the pokey. Smiling, smiling, smiling down at my keds.

Last night's dream 12/16/09

Last night I dreamt I was at a cat show and the "Best of Show" was a calico Cornish Rex much like Rosebud. Rosebud ran off with this cat! Then a man came over and said, "I wrote a book." The book was the story of Rosebud and her TWO CHILDREN! I was stunned. I ran after her yelling, "You have KIDS?!?!?" She and this "B of S" Rex kept dodging me, running under tables, leaping over cats in crates. The organizers came running yelling at me, "Get your cat UNDER CONTROL!" they demanded. I smirked at them, shook my head, and said, "Tsk. You expect me, a mere mortal to get Rosebud under control?" They looked at me and then looked at Rosebud who was perched on top of one of the judges heads and then back at me and said, "Tsk." and walked away. The judge (with Rosebud on his head) was stammering and just slightly shaking. "She's...uh...sinking her claws in my head...a little...she's..." and then he trailed off because he saw the look on my face because I saw the look on Rosebud's face. She was getting ready to leave the guy's head. This was not a good thing for the guy even though he might think it would be. Because. Because it meant that Rosebud would need to "sink in" quite a bit to get the correct leverage to make her big leap to her next destination. He didn't yet know what he was in for. I rushed over but the man made a fatal mistake. He said, "Get this...this...animal off my head..." and then kinda sarcastically, "...please." It was the way he said "animal". I know my child is an animal. I realize she's a cat. I'm not naive. But the way he said it. You just don't diss my kids. So my frantic rush turned into a bit of a meandering stroll where I even stopped to take a quick look at a Sphynx in a crate who winked at me knowingly. So by the time I reached the judge Rosebud was sinking down, down, down into his little scalp and projecting herself into the air like the beautiful lean mean adorable machine that she is. This should be the end of the dream with maybe a little humorous anecdote at the end but no. The organizers had us held until the police can be called in. I snuck out my cell phone and made a quick call. By the time the police arrived Jesus was pulling up, in a limo this time, and in a suit. "Attorney for Rosebud and Elliott" he said and waved a hand and everyone turned into gingerbread houses. "Jesus!" I laughed. He grabbed Rosebud and the two touched noses. He said, "How `bout we go get us some cream and chicken and liver?" Rosebud purred. We got into the limo. Liberace was driving and the steering wheel was a keyboard (appropriately). He smiled at me in the rear view and started off. "Jesus..." I began but he interrupted, "Already on it Big E." and he waved his hand and no one was a gingerbread house anymore. Rosebud crawled on top of Liberace's head and Liberace laughed and laughed. Even when the claws sunk in.

Last night's dream 12/15/09

Last night I dreamt that my girlfriend and I were listening to a Meg Christian record and singing "Ode to a Gym Teacher" at the top of our lungs. We were laughing and falling into each others arms and spilling wine on the carpet and I didn't even care. I let that wine just puddle there. We laughed so hard a little wine came out my nose and we laughed even harder at that! That led to wine enema jokes for some reason and now we were rolling around on the floor and laughing so very hard that you couldn't even hear Meg anymore. Finally the laughter subsided and we were subdued. I looked out the window and said, "Oh...look at that...you don't see that everyday do you?" And my girlfriend looked out the window too. There was a pig with a big bee on it's back going down the street. The Bee had a little delicate whip in her hand and the pig had on a tutu. Then my girlfriend said "wine enema." and the laughter erupted all over again.

Last night's dream 12/14/09

Last night I dreamt that a Japanese man wanted to have lunch with me but the food was late and then he was in a meeting and then there was a dog that I had to entertain for some reason with a little yellow ball. I kept approaching the wrong Japanese man and asking if it was time yet or telling him that I was the one who wasn't quite ready and they were very gracious and would relay my message to the right Japanese man but then at the end of the dream it turned out that ALL the Japanese men wanted to have lunch with me. And not just one time. There was a poster posted that stated that there would be a Japanese Man Lunch with Elliott Night every Wednesday. And the kicker...ONLY Japanese food was to be served and it had to be home made. I ran home and ransacked the cupboards looking for my rice cooker. I couldn't find it. But when I opened the freezer package after package of shishamo fell out. I breathed a huge sigh of relief and took a swig of sake.