last night's dream 11/29/09

Last night I dreamt that I was getting ready for the presidential inauguration. I had done some great thing that got me an invitation to sit on the dais whilst the new president was sworn in. I was standing in my closet and I was in a panic because the more I looked the more apparent it became that I owned NOTHING even remotely acceptable for such an important and serious event. I kept flicking through my wardrobe thinking, "When did I buy THIS?!?!?" And I'm looking at these, well, really nice quality pasty and g-string sets, tutus in darn near all the colors of the rainbow, dominatrix outfits, including some very strange rubber and latex stuff, a clown costume, and three, count them!, three nurses uniforms from the 1940's complete with cape and cap. There was a set of scrubs with a kitten motif, a "Punk Sucks" t-shirt that I made in the 80's and was sure had disintegrated off my body back in `92, a "Kiss the Cook" apron, and a complete Samurai warrior battle armour from the late 1600's. "Hmmm..." I pondered. "Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm." I kept flicking. "Aha!" I shouted. Way at the back of the closet, I had spotted a stunning evening gown of sapphire blue and I thought, "Now, there's the ticket!" When I pulled the dress off the rack I saw that it had no back. I don't mean low...I mean like it stopped at the sides. No back. What-so-ever. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. And I thought, "Oh, come on now!" I kept turning it around thinking, I don't know, that a back was going to be there somehow. But no. No. I put the dress on. It looked absolutely smashing from the front. Absolutely. Then I spun around and...well, there you have it. Bare naked Elliott butt. "That's not going to fly..." I reflected thoughtfully. So I got all "Project Runway" and began cutting up some of the more demure latex stuff and stitching it to the dress. When I was done I had a pretty exciting haute couture-ish frock on my hands. There was even a bustle made from various tutus. I got all dolled up and heard the limo beep, beep its horn and I smiled as I took one last twirl in the mirror. All I had to do was slap on some shoes and I was ready to go...then I opened the shoe closet with a flourish, peeked inside and began to weep.

Last night's dream 11/26/09

Last night I dreamt I was walking in the woods and then suddenly it was dark. Behind me a voice said, "Here. Here's a flashlight." I took the flashlight. It was the kind you have to crank to make work. So I'm cranking away and it's producing this amazing beam of light that has colors in it and every once in a while a little lightning burst that zigzags across the beam. "This is so cool!" I exclaim as I crank. "Where did you get it?" "Sharper Image." she says. "No. That's not true..." she continues. "Best...Tar...Wa....hmmm...I MADE it for you." she finally admits. "You MADE this!?!?!" "Yes, for you." I blush. "For me..." I wallow in this. "You've stopped cranking..." she informs me. I crank again and we continue.

Last night's dream 11/24/09

Last night I dreamt I was on a quest of some kind. A black man and I had begun by walking out the door of a house. Part of the quest was that I take nothing with me. We stopped at a man's house. This man was one of those guys who had a perpetual yard sale going on in his carport. We were offered food by this man and I pulled out two butter knives and my guide and I ate some steak and then he said it was time to get rid of the knives. So I went to the yard sale man, the merchant, and I asked what I could get for the knives. He pointed to a basket filled with stuff and said, "Anything in the basket..." then he reached over and removed a golden egg shaped Christmas ornament from the basket and set it aside and then said again, "Anything in the basket..." Other men appeared around the table and they started pulling things out of the basket and commenting on these items. Several glass salt shakers came out of the basket and the men lined them up. Each was filled with salt and most were clear but there was a pale, pale pink one that was so very pale that I had to keep asking myself, "Is it clear or pink?" The merchant agreed to give me six of the salt shakers in exchange for the two butter knives. One of the knives was sterling but several of the salt shakers had sterling tops so I felt the deal was good. I took the salt shakers, wrapped them in styrafoam and then in a green felt cloth and headed over to two small cots that the guide and I were going to sleep in that night. I began to tell the guide about the salt shakers and my plan to leave them somewhere whilst we were questing and to pick them up again on the return trip. Before I could speak the guide said angrily, "What have you DONE? What have you DONE girl?!?! Now, not only do you have this book", and he held up a book and waved it around, "but now you have these things as well?!?! What are you thinking? This is not a game! We are on a quest. The only rule I had for you was to bring nothing. Nothing!" and he stormed away from me. I began to cry with shame. Eventually the guide returned and said, "Come on...we need to get hot water for the tea." We headed over to the back door of the merchant's home and knocked on an aluminum screen door. The merchant came to the door and the guide asked for hot water for tea. As he turned I blurted, "Ex..ex...excuse me, sir!" He turned and through sobs I asked if I might return the salt shakers and in return for the knives if it might be possible for him to mail the book back home for me. Both the merchant and the guide smiled and the guide embraced me and kissed my face.

Last night's dream 11/21/09

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud, Nigel, and I were on the road again. We were driving to Norway to see the Northern Lights. Rosebud was cranky in the crate, Nigel was sleeping. I was playing Brandi Carlile on the CD player and singing at the top of my voice. That's about when the cop pulled us over. I was fumbling to find the registration in a lunchbox on the front seat when the officer tap, tap, tapped on the window. I had shut off the car so I couldn't roll down the window so I held up a finger to let him know that I was going to start the car and roll down the window. Well, I had injured my pointer finger and so I used my middle finger to alert the policeman that I was going to be a minute. That gesture got me, "OUT OF THE CAR, MA'AM! RIGHT NOW! OUT!" So I opened the door and stepped out. The officer's sharp intake of breath told me that something probably wasn't quite normal. I looked down to find I had on a pair of rubber pink pasties and a little rainbow fringe g-string and a pair of KILLER, and I can't stress this enough, KILLER Louboutin pink satin heels with a gigantic bow on the back. "I..." I sputtered and handed him my license and registration and insurance card and for some reason my mortgage paperwork and Nigel and Rosebud's notebook on their complete history, my Social Security card, a library book from the back seat on whales that Nigel was reading, and a discourse on the butch/femme roles of lesbians that I had borrowed from a friend. The officer dumped everything on the ground but the license, glanced at it and said, "Elliott...Elliott, Elliott, Elliott. What would Father Flanigan say?" and I burst into tears. He comforted me and I was really at a loss because I had no idea who Father Flanigan was, I wasn't Catholic, and I wasn't really ashamed of the costume because on second look I found that I had the body of the 20 year old Elliott and well, frankly, I was rocking those pasties and g-string like you would not believe. Plus I couldn't get over the shoes. Finally I was all out of tears and I said, after sneaking a peek at his name tag, "Officer Flynn, what did I do?" He replied, "Remember back about a hundred miles you were in Pit, Nebraska?" "Wha..?" "Think! Elliott, Think! Pit! It's important!" But I couldn't remember Pit. So Flynn continued, "You were in Pit and you stopped in a thrift store and you bought a black sweater and a mug that said, "Kiss Me I'm the Pope" on the side. I said, "Officer Flynn, I'm sorry but what is it with all these Catholic references? I mean, you know by now that I'm not religious that I know very little about Catholicism and yet here I am seemingly embroiled in some Irish Catholic drama I know nothing about." And Officier Flynn patted me on the shoulder and he said, "It's not you we're after...it's HIM." and he pointed to Nigel sleeping in his crate in the back of the Prius. "WHAT!?!?" I said starting to feel around my hips looking for, obviously, the gun I usually carried there. I glanced into the car and saw it laying on the seat. It was a Nerf ball gun and of little use in this situation. Officer Flynn said, "He's the ONE. He's the next Dalai Lama and we Catholics have been ordrered to stop him. He mustn't lead the Buddhists or things on Earth will change in ways you and I can't even imagine!" I was struck dumb. Officer Flynn had his gun drawn and me in handcuffs before I was able to react. I stood numbly while he handcuffed my feet and set me down by the side of the road. I was crying like mad and offering anything I could think of to stop Flynn from taking Nigel. "My retirement fund!" I yelled, "It's dwindled over the years but it's your Flynn, ALL YOURS...you could take the wife and go to Mexico and live FOREVER!" I wasn't really sure the money would last forever but if the market continued to improve, who knew? Stocks were always a gamble anyway and if he had a good financial advisor he could make that money last! "I will give you my financial advisor too!" I screamed. Flynn had removed his officer uniform to reveal some kind of Bishop or Cardinal's attire...who knows? I'm NOT Catholic! I was flailing around all over the place as Flynn holstered his gun and began to unzip the crate Nigel was in. I could see Nigel asleep and Rosebud next to him with her headphones on, reading a Vogue magazine. Then I saw her swivel one hairy eyeball at Flynn and her tail flicked. Flynn ignored her and I felt some hope welling up. She flicked her tail again and got up and did a deceptively languid stretch. Then, just as Flynn's meaty hands were encircling Nigel, Rosebud released her fury. Ten razor sharp claws (how, I don't know, I had just trimmed them the day before) sunk into Flynn's flesh, 32 (or however many teeth cats have) dagger edged teeth sunk into his pasty arm and Flynn released Nigel and yanked back, Rosebud still attached. He danced around with Rosebud doing this quite elegant Ninja-esque attack on his entire being. She got both his arms, his fleshy neck, and his face. Once she had him on the ground in a puddle of his own blood and sweat she strolled over, removed her headset, I could still here X playing through the little buds, and uncuffed me. "Fucking organized religion..." she sighed. I said, "Hey, young lady, watch the language." but she could tell by my beaming that she had done well. She headbutted me and bit my earlobe. We got back in the car and I gunned it out of there. Nigel woke up and said, "Mom, can we go there?" I said, "Where son?" and he said, "What that man said, to the Deli with the lambs. Can I pet the lambs?" I said, "Whereever you want to go little Holiness..."

Last night's dream 11/20/09

Last night I dreamt there was a pig and a bee in a pink bed. That's all I'm saying. The rest is pretty X rated, even for farm animals.

Last night's dream 11/19/09

Last night I dreamt that an owl got into bed with me and snuggled up under the covers. It looked into my eyes with its deep brown ones and tilted its head to the side then shook it gently in a "no no" motion. Then it touched my cheek with one of its wings and placed its face against mine. I couldn't move. There was a bubble of energy surrounding us and I was transfixed by the gentle flow and ebb of our breaths. The owl moved its head back to look into my eyes again and I felt myself melting. It began to expand and when it reached five foot nine and three quarter inches it stopped. I thought, "Oh it's you!"

Last night's dream 11/17/09

Last night I dreamt some pretty steamy stuff that I really can't write about in a blog. Let's just say there was a lot of skin and rubbing and ooohing and aaaahhhing and ohmygodding going on and it was better than swimming in a tub of ice cream in an insulated suit!