Last night's dream 8/19/09

Last night I dreamt I was at a Tom Jones concert back in the 60's. He is on stage singing "It's Not Unusual" and all the women are throwing their panties onto the stage. I check and I see that I am not wearing panties. So I throw Nigel at Tom. He catches him and uses him to wipe the sweat from his brow. All the time he's singing "It's Not Unusual" and I'm thinking how it is.

Last night's dream 8/18/09

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud and Nigel were getting ready for school. It was the usual frantic morning. Nigel was eating his turkey and giblets in gravy and Rosebud was just staring sullenly at her bowl, then she jumped up on top of the espresso machine and laid down. I was like, "Hey! Hey! Hey! Come on! Get ready! You are NOT missing that bus again! I am NOT driving you to school this morning!" and Rosebud was like, "Uh...yeah...Mom. Whatever." And Nigel was a sow at a trough going at that turkey and giblets in gravy. I abandoned my attempt at a cup of coffee because it was obvious that Rosebud and Nigel were going to miss the bus. "Where's your homework?" "The dog ate it." Nigel replied and laughed so hard he knocked himself over. Since he was already on his side he decided it was a good time to lick his private parts. "Nigel! Stop! You can do that tonight! Rosebud, Nigel did you wash your face and hands this morning?" Dead silence and then little tongues licked little paws and swiped several times across little faces. "Did you both poop?" "Yes, Mom!" "Yes, Mom." "IN the box?!?!" "Oh Mother! I've NEVER pooped outside the box...and that inappropriate urination phase ended years ago! Must you constantly bring it up?!?!?" "Alright, alright. You are right. You've been a good girl for a long time now and I shouldn't..." Just then Rosebud strolled away to the far side of the living room and began to regurgitate on the very expensive silk carpet from China. "Rosebud!" I yelped and dove for her. I grabbed her and moved her to the formica. "Okay..." And she proceeded to bring back up a little chicken and liver pate. "What the...?" I asked puzzled. "Rosebud, we haven't had chicken and liver pate for THREE days!" Rosebud gives me this "didn't-know-just-how-special-I-am-did-you?" look and starts to gather her books together for school. As they are heading out the door I snatch the catnip mouse from Nigel's backpack and try to hand each a few bucks..."Lunch money you two..." Rosebud is already on her cell phone to the Dalmation down the street and rolls her eyes at the money. "Yeah, right...like I'm going to eat LUNCH." she smirks. Nigel looks at me beseechingly and I hand over all the money I have so that he can get a proper Nigel sized lunch.

Last night's dream 8/16/09

Last night I dreamt I was on stage with Kelly Clarkson. She was belting out Stairway to Heaven and I was playing the bass and I forgot the notes. I was standing there in front of a stadium full of people. So full that people just looked like little dots of color, like confetti. A sea of moving confetti whistling and clapping and yelling, "I LOVE YOU KELLY!" over and over. I plucked at a few strings like I knew what I was doing. The song came to an end after 7 minutes and 46 seconds and Kelly shot me a death look and as she stormed off the stage she flipped me the bird. I unplugged my bass and slunk meekly off the stage trying to prepare for the ass-whipping Kelly was sure to give me. When I got backstage there was a big party going on and Kelly was in the center of it all! She was drinking champagne and eating what looked like cocktail wienies wrapped in Pillsbury dough. I thought, "Flaky crust!" and headed for the dressing room that the backup band shared. As I was walking past the drummer she grabbed me and pulled me next to her. "And this B-autch!" she crowed, "FORGETS the bass line for Stairway!" and she shrieks with laughter. I chuckle a bit too and shake my head. Then I punch her in the face and stand there chuckling a bit more and shaking my head a little bit more too for effect. Everyone is stunned for about 4 seconds and then the little group that had been our audience erupts into shocked and delighted laughter. I think, "What has our society become? What have I BECOME?" Then I punch the face of the guy nearest me and turn to storm off with what I hope is dramatic dignity. As I turn and lift my right foot to start the storm, my foot in mid stride, knee raised, shoulder starting to dip, I freeze. There stands Kelly. Blocking my dramatic exit. Deflating my dignity. Taking the wind out of the sails of my storm. My mouth hangs open. I raise a hand...as if to say...but nothing comes to mind. I am frozen in the amber of Kelly's death stare. Through gritted teeth she smears out murderously, "I. Should. Fire. You. You. $@*(@. Lazy. Cockroach." I remain suspended like some horror movie puppet girl. "I. Should. Fire. You." she venomously seethes her mouth still clenched shut much like my butt happens to be. "I. Should. But...." and there is a pause of nearly 15 seconds. Time for most of the crowd to grow extremely uncomfortable, although, for me it was only just beginning to feel like an accurate amount of time to instill the proper sense of impending hope and doom. "Oh, what the heck!" She squeals all bubblegum and lip gloss, "We ALL make mistakes! Now you learn that darned bass line, you rascal!" she continues in that teen pop slightly creepy upbeat poppy pop star way. "Where's the champagne and pork rinds?" she yips and she's off. The crowd flows after her like rats after that Pied guy. I reach into my back pocket and pull out a music score and start humming in earnest.

Last night's dream 8/8/09

Last night I dreamt that I was in a hat store and I was trying on all of these wonderful hats. Big blue hats with fluffy cloudlike ornaments and tall black masculine hats of silk and leather bits and yellow swirly hats of gears and springs. All colors, all shapes. They all looked really good on me but every time I tried on a hat my head would get one size smaller. I didn't notice it at first and that proved to be a big mistake. By the time I did realize that something wasn't quite right my head was about three sizes smaller than my body. I wondered if my head would always be so small or if, over time, it might return to normal size. I decided to hightail it out of there, but just as I reached the door I saw the shoe section!

Last night's dream 8/7/09

Last night I dreamt Rosebud was 16 and was going out on her first serious date. It was with the Dalmation from down the street. She comes out of her bedroom with a red sweater on with rhinestones spelling out the word "Bitch".
"WHERE did you get that?!?!?" I shrieked.
"Oh Mother!" Rosebud sighed bored.
"No! NO, NO, NO and that would be N-O! You are not wearing that in public!" I declared.
"Mooooommmmm! Come on! All the Cornish are wearing them! Didn't you see the cover of Vogue this month?!?!? It's a whole spread of Mariah Carey at home with her Cornish and BOTH of hers are wearing "Bitch" sweaters. They're super cool!" She whined.
"Honey," I replied, "They are slutty...Don't be slutty."
"I DON'T look slutty!" she shouted, then paused. "Do I look slutty?!?!?" she worried.
"The red is really good with your skin tone...how about that other red sweater I got you?" I suggested.
"Oh that one...I clawed that up AGES ago..."
"Well, how about the blue?"
"Threw up on that last night..."
"There's the leopard print one...?"
"Clashes with my calico." She determined.
"How about the cream one with black trim?"
"Oh Mom," she scolded, "That one says, "Save a stray and get a spay!" Please!"
We both paused, thinking.
"Mom...maybe we could go...you know....shopping..."
"Oh Rosebud, you know we are on a tight budget right now..." I started but the look on her face stopped me..."Ok, we can go...but sale rack only!" I declared.
She came over and gave me a little bite on the elbow.

last night's dream 8/5/09

Last night I dreamt I was wearing a dress consisting entirely of hovering hummingbirds. It was awfully pretty but the noise was distracting and every time I walked past a flowering plant there was the potential for mass exodus. The tension was palpable.

Last night's dream 8/4/09

Last night I dreamt that I was driving down I-5 in a flesh colored 1960 cadillac. I had on big white sunglasses and a blue scarf tied around my head to protect my hairdo. I had red red red lipstick on and was smiling recklessly at nothing. Sheryl Crow was rocking on the radio. I had a bag of Ruffles in my lap and was snacking occasionally from the bag and licking my fingers so the wheel wouldn't get greasy. I had a bottle of club soda and I was having a tough time opening and closing the bottle between slugs. I was very concerned about losing the fizz. I thought, "Why doesn't club soda taste like regular water when it loses it's fizz? It tastes like...something else...a not very pleasant something else." Then I let the matter drop and hummed along with Cheryl. I passed a chicken along the side of the road and laughed my ass off. I glanced into the rearview mirror and was chagrined to see a baby laying on the back seat. A butt naked slightly glowing baby. And I thought, "Oh great! I'm transporting an angel baby...am I speeding?!? I can't get pulled over transporting an angel baby! Man, I'd be in some serious trouble if I was found with this angel baby....how the heck did I get an angel baby anyway???" Then I returned to the chip bag to munch and ponder. And that's when I breezed right through the red light. So, of course, there's a cop on a motorcycle adn he appears from nowhere (how do they do that?!?!?) and he's giving me the "pull over lady" sign and I'm trying to figure out how to hide the angel baby fast! So I dump the bag of chips on the floor and kick all the chips under the seat and stomp on them so I end up with just chip dust and then I reach behind me and stuff the angel baby gently into the chip bag and then I reach into the glove box and there is a chip bag resealer device in there and I reseal the chip bag and toss the bag gently into the seat behind me and then I pull over.
"Is there a problem officer?" I ask pulling out my lipstick and giving myself a little freshening up as I hand him my license and registration. Just as he's taking them from my hand I realize that the license I'm handing him is not my license but what appears to be a young Asian man's license and that the registration is not for the car but for my espresso machine instead. "Oh boy!" I think and my hand shakes a little and I smear my red red red lipstick just a bit. Suddenly Cheryl stops singing and a voice says, "This is a special announcement from the government of the Universe! This is a special announcement from the government of the Universe! Grab the nearest person and do-si-do!" And I think, "Oh for heaven's sake! Not now!" The cop opens the door and offers his hand and I pop out and we do-si-do on I-5. I look around and everyone is do-si-do-ing. The cop says, "Ain't it a beautiful world, Ma'am?" And I agree but what I'm really thinking is "How long can an angel baby breathe in a sealed chip bag?" As I am doing the rudimentary calculations in my head the song ends and the cop puts me back in my cadillac, tips his helmet, and wishes me a good day. I rip open the chip bag and pull out the angel baby dusting off all the chip dander from it's glowing skin. I tuck the chip baby next to me and buckle us both up, then I crank up Cheryl on the radio and head back down the road. Pretty soon I see one of those weigh station signs and there is a small orange sign tacked to the bottom of it saying, "Angel Baby drop off point". A huge sigh of relief busts out of me and I flip the blinker and slow the caddy down. I didn't have the proper paperwork and it took FOREVER to drop off the angel baby but in the end it all worked out okay (it was a bitch trying to explain away why there was chip dust between the angel babies toes...who knew the inspection would be that detailed?!?!)and I was finally able to get back to the open road. I was just thinking about hitting a Cracker Barrel when I happened to glance once again into the rearview mirror to find a little devil baby laying butt naked on the seat glowing back at me.