Last night's dream 12/26/09

Last night I dreamt that Santa, Jesus and I were coloring Easter eggs in preparation for the next big holiday.
"What about Valentine's Day?" I queried.
"Man made holiday...doesn't count," said Jesus.
Santa glared at Jesus.
"That's a good idea, Big E. (Santa calls me "Big E") I always get Mrs. Claus a heart shaped box of chocolates!" he said emphatically.
"I always get Mrs. Clause a heart shaped box..." Jesus said snarkily under his breath, but we all heard him.
What was really going on was that Jesus didn't have a Valentine.
"What ever happened to that Mary chick?" Santa asked innocently but with malice.
I tried to scoot my chair back a foot without really being noticed. This was dangerous territory and I wanted nothing to do with it.
But Jesus was cool, seemingly unaffected. "Moved to Berkley, took up some women's causes...NOW, La Leche, some others...." he replied nonchalantly. But I noticed that the egg he was getting ready to put in the blue dye bath was cracking slowly in his clenched fist.
"So!..." I said and trailed off ineffectively.
It was always like that when the two of them got together. They couldn't get along.
Jesus threw his egg into the blue dye and blue dye splashed out everywhere including on Santa's suit. Including his white fur collar. Including his snowy white beard. I scooted my chair wwwaaaaayyyyy back and murmured something about the time and how I had to be moseying. Jesus tittered. Santa's face clouded.
"So!..." I tried again.
"Think that's funny," Santa stated.
"Uh huh." Jesus smirked.
Santa picked up an egg and eyed the green dye.
"No! No! No!" I shouted and leaped up from my chair and stood between the two of them. "Ya'll act like four year olds!" I scolded. "Four year olds!" I added for emphasis. The egg hit the green dye with astounding force and both Jesus and I were completely greened. "You bastard." I inhaled. "Not only is that shit green, it's like freakin' ice water!" I yelped like a dog. Jesus just waved his hand and turned Santa into a pear.
"A pear?" I asked.
"A pear," Jesus said. "First thing that popped into my head. I should eat the mother..."
"Hey now!" the pear said.
"Turn him back." I sighed.
"No."
"J, man, turn him back."
"It's not going to happen, Big E." (Jesus also calls me "Big E".)
"Come on...what about turn the other cheek and love..."
"Thy enemies?" Jesus whispered.
"Oh, come on! For the love of...! Santa is not your enemy!" I said, exasperated.
"He is!" Jesus said petulantly.
"I'm not," said the pear.
"Tsk."
Jesus waved his hand and Santa was again Santa.
"Whew! Ho, ho, ho!" remarked Santa. "A pear! Whew! Ho," he imparted.
Jesus started to laugh a little.
Santa threw back his head and "ho, ho, ho'ed" it out of the park.
Jesus got a fit of the giggles.
I went along. "Hee, hee, ha....ahahaha..."
The only dye left was the pink so we rustled up a huge batch of shiny pink eggs and then went out for beers.

Last night's dream 12/24/09

Last night I dreamt I was wrapping presents in the Philippines in a sweatshop surrounded by 8 and 9 year olds who were also wrapping presents.
Tsk, I thought hotly.
The little kids were sullen and every so often I would catch one of them out of the corner of my eye, gouging a present with a long thumbnail or even biting a toy leaving ugly marks on a doll leg or a train's little chimney spout and I thought, Good for you, kid! But it felt wrong. It all felt so very, very wrong. So I pulled out my cell and called Jesus.
"Hello! You've reached the Big J! SuperJeez, The Christ! Can't come to the phone right now--I'm either saving souls or beating down the devil...leave a message!"
"Jesus..." I muttered..."Jesus!" a little louder. "Hey Man, pick up....Pick up....Pick up! Pick..."
"Hey."
"Hey."
"Whasup?"
"I'm over here in the Philippines in a sweat shop with little kids who are wrapping expensive presents...and I'm wondering, What's up with this?!?!?"
"Oh....uh....can you call back in like...an hour?"
"Don't. You. Dare." I said menacingly.
"Well, crap! How do I KNOW?!?!? I'm the freakin' SON for cryin' out loud! I'm not, like, GOD!"
Silence from me.
"Well, I AM God...well...it's complicated."
Silence from me.
"Tsk."
Silence from me.
"I don't KNOW. WE can't always UNDERSTAND the Master's PLAN but we can take comfort...I don't know why Dad...why I...what the meaning...FAITH! Faith...sometimes things just need to BE because they are a small piece in a bigger...GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS...tsk."
Silence from me.
"What do you want from me?"
Silence from me.
"It's beyond me, El. Yes, even ME. Happy now?!?!?"
"You can make it rain marshmellows on a canal in Venice and you can't do something about sweatshops with little kids in them?" I ask, already knowing that this conversation isn't ever going to end. It's an unending conversation. It has no conclusion. There is no answer. It's an answerless query. Jesus really doesn't know.
"Look...I asked Him once and he...well, let's just say he wasn't PLEASED. He's omniscient...I'm part of him but not all of him...just the good parts...ha,ha,ahahaha...okay, listen...LISTEN...I..." and Jesus trailed off. "I've got another call coming in...I'll call you back. I'll CALL YOU BACK, `k?"
And he hung up.
I bit into the arm of a bobblehead and wrapped it.

Last night's dream 12/22/09

Last night I dreamt that Nigel and I were on a walk around the neighborhood and Nigel was asking me hard to answer questions like, "Why was I born, Mom?" and "Is there pattern to the Universe or is it all Chaos, Mommy?" and "If it is all Chaos, isn't the Chaos itself a kind of pattern, Ma?" and "What's string theory, Momma?" and "Do string theory, quantum physics and fractals merge together at some point to create an even newer form of theory, Mom?" I kept humming and hawing and trying to distract him with comments like, "Oh! Look at that pretty flower!" and "Are you tired yet, little fella? Want to go back home?" and "My, it sure is warm for December, isn't it?" But he wasn't to be distracted. He was hot on trying to figure out the Universe and I was supposed to be the one to help him untangle the web of mystery. "Mommy, I have fractals in my EYES!" he exclaimed and put his eye up really close to mine. "That tree, if we looked at it through a very powerful microscope, IT has fractals!" Then he sighed. "Science is awesome, Mom!" Finally I relented. "When we get home let's look up some of this stuff on the computer, `k?" I suggested. "Yeah!" Nigel said enthusiastically and started running for home. I unlocked the door and he bounded up the stairs. But by the time I got the computer up and running Nigel had found one of his Q-tip sticks (with the fluffy ends removed) and when I said, "Hey Nige, I'm ready to do a search on string theory!" he turned to me said, "Meow." and carried his Q-tip into the living room to play. Science would have to wait.

Last night's dream 12/21/09

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud, Nigel, My Gal, Jesus and I went canoeing. We rented what was referred to as a "family gondola" which simply meant a big ass canoe. Rosebud lolled on the very edge of the very tip of the back of the canoe. Her eyes doing that little slitty thing she does when she'd rather be somewhere else. Nigel was at the opposite end of the edge of the front of the canoe dipping a paw into the water and shaking it off, dipping it in and shaking it off. Jesus lounged back by Rosebud with a paddle across his lap and a hand languidly trailing the surface of the water. My Gal was up with Nigel keeping an eye on him and paddling with precision and efficiency. I was in the center of the canoe making salami, cheese, and mayo sandwiches with french bread.
"To the right," My Gal would say and Jesus would wave his hand a bit and the canoe would go to the right.
"To the left, please."
"Mustard or mayo?" That was me.
"Mayo." Jesus
"Mustard." My Gal. "No, mayo...no...mustard."
"Meow." That was Nigel.
Rosebud, as usual, ignored me and began to shred the canoe with her claws.
"Rose! Rosebud! No, no, no! Rosebud! Rosebud! Rose! No, Rosebud, no, honey, no!" I pleaded and this went on and on until My Gal smacked her paddle in the water and said, "Buttercup! Stop it!" and Rosebud stopped and My Gal gave me her big butch look, a rarity.
"If you could be any animal what animal would you be?" queried Jesus. This was one of his favorite games.
Rosebud gave him the hairy eyeball and Jesus said, "Rosebud McButtercup! I know you would only be you, you, the perfect you! And I know everyone wants to say Rosebud as their first choice so let's just move on to what-animal-would-you-be-if-you-couldn't-be-Rosebud?"
I said, "Vulture, whale, or bee."
My Gal said, "Lion, Pomeranian, or pig."
Jesus said, "Tortoise, hummingbird, or lice."
Nigel didn't understand the question and was too absorbed in wetting and shaking his paw to give it more attention.
We meandered down the river. I love to meander.
"I love to meander," I shared.
"Uh huh! That you do..." My Gal agreed.
"That 40 day thing I did..." mused Jesus, "...that was meandering for sure. You know I ran into Satan on that trip!"
"Uh huh," My Gal and I both said at the same time and rolled our eyes at each other.
"Not very many people know the truth about what Satan and I talked about," Jesus imparted to a now rapt audience of two. Rosebud having had a good stretch had mosied down to Jesus' lap and was curled in a little calico ball snoozing away. Nigel was still doing the dip the paw, shake the paw thing.
"We discussed sports mostly. Beer. The ladies! Ha, ha, ha," joked Jesus.
My Gal and I waited patiently knowing Jesus had to go through this kinda jokey thing before he shared the real wisdom. He was just like that. My Gal kept saying, "He's a humorist." But I think he was the incarnation of Henny Youngman. If I had a nickel for the times he'd said, "Take my Father...please!"
"We talked about morality and mortality." Jesus sighed heavily. "We talked about precious mankind and how heroic and pitiful ya'll are."
We all looked off into different distances around the canoe.
Nigel fell into the water and Jesus levitated him out. My Gal toweled him off. We ate our sandwiches.
Jesus began singing "Row, Row, Row your Boat" and we all joined in in a beautiful round.

Last night's dream 12/19/09

Last night I dreamt that Jesus and I were Christmas shopping at the Mall. We had planned to do all our shopping online but I had ordered something for my girlfriend that came in the mail and...well...I was disappointed when I saw it. Jesus tried to sell me on it.
"It's...nice!" he lied.
"No...no, Jesus...it's not "nice"...it's..."
"She'll like it!" he lied again.
"I really hate it when you lie." I said. "It's one of the things I count on is that you won't lie to me."
"It SUCKS!" he chortled gleefully.
So we were at the Mall. And Jesus was standing in the "Sit on Santa's Lap" line.
"Come on! Do you REALLY have to do this?" I pleaded. "I have to find that one super special item for my gal! The stores will be closing in three hours! Please!" I begged.
"Plenty of time, Big E!" He said enthusiastically. "Gonna sit on Santa's lap!" he added.
"Tsk."
So he stood in line and I kept running to a store and back to the line to check on him (because when you are out with Jesus it's always a good idea to check on him periodically) and then running down the mall to another store. I was having NO LUCK WHAT-SO-EVER in the super special item department. I was sweating. I was anxious. I was getting cranky.
Jesus, who had been waiting in line for over an hour was also starting to get cranky.
Both of us cranky was a bad thing. Who would talk us down?!?!? We began to feed each other's crankiness and started really whipping each other into a frenzy.
"What if Santa decides to take a break before he gets to you?" I asked innocently.
"What if you can't find the super special item tonight? He responded casually.
"What if the mall closes before your turn?" I notched it up a bit.
"What if you NEVER find the super special item and it's Christmas morning?" He was pretty good at notching himself.
"What if..." I began but he interjected...
"...and on Christmas morning your gal opens her presents and her little face is crestfallen and her little lip crumples up and her liquid brown eyes fill with tears and..."
"ALRIGHT!" I shouted.
Lots and lots of people paused to stare but most were sympathetic...it was Christmas shopping after all and it wasn't like I was the only American having a shopping related meltdown.
Jesus sighed. "We need food." he said.
So I ran and got us soft pretzels and Orange Juliuses. We snacked in line and that did help quite a bit.
"Don't worry...you are almost to him now." I said.
"You know if you just gave that gal of yours a big smooch on Christmas morning she'd be happy." he replied.
He might have been truthing right then but I couldn't accept that. My gal was special. I just had to find the super special item. So far online shopping was letting me down and so were the malls. I was forlorn.
Suddenly it was Jesus' turn with Santa.
He asked for peace on earth and an end to all wars and violence (which I felt was redundant) and a vintage train set that we had seen in an antique store downtown (which really wasn't for Santa's benefit but a very broad hint to me) and promised to leave out cookies and milk. Santa was irked that a grown man would (as he interpreted it) make fun of him and waste his time (he had no idea that it was Jesus on his lap) but when Jesus got off his lap he kinda waved his hand at Santa and touched his shoulder and man, these are the moments to live for when you hang with Jesus because that guy in the Santa suit...he just lit up like a...well, a Christmas tree. And his face lost all it's holiday-related anxiety and he kinda sighed into his own heart. And everyone within, oh about a hundred mile radius, felt a bit of the feeling and there was a lot of relaxing and heart expanding going on.
"Super cool." I whispered to him.
"Super cool. " he replied.

Last night's dream 12/17/09

Last night I dreamt that I was in the pokey AGAIN!!! It seems that through NO fault of my own I was involved in a sex scandal AGAIN. See, I was invited to go to this party that my friend said she thought I would find fun and funny. She was going with HER friend who had invited her with the same line and had added casually "...oh, and feel free to bring a guest." It turned out that SHE had been invited by a friend of hers with that exact same speech. So the night of the thing my friend calls and says she's sick. Not only that but that the friend that invited her--she's sick TOO. So this gal that invited the gal that invited my friend that invited me calls me and says in this deep voice edged with a tiny bit of danger "So...(long pause, more danger) YOU still wanna go?" And I'm nervous and DON'T want to go so I blurt out, "Hell YES, I still want to go!" So she picks me up in a Yugo and we head for this warehouse and I'm trying to think of sparkling conversation starters but I can't help peeking under her coat with my eyes every once in a while because I think I can see, but I'm not sure, but I think I can see something that looks like painted on vinyl. Liquid vinyl. And I'm thinking, "Is she wearing painted on LIQUID vinyl?!?! No. Could she be? OMG...OMG...I...she IS! It's got to be! I'm so not dressed right for this..." And I kinda peep down at my own outfit which is a pencil skirt and a black t-shirt and Keds. And I think despairingly, "I'm f*cking wearing KEDS?!?!?!" We finally arrive and the door person, who is wearing a leather outfit that looks a bit like those pajamas with the feet in them but is slightly more than skin tight and of paper-thin leather with little cutouts that you don't want to know where and with a mask over her face and these long Thailand dancer nail things on and I'm trying not to look at the nails or the cutouts or ANYTHING. I'm trying to act super cool and I'm losing it. And the door person murmurs, "Ooooohhhh Keds! You're going to want to head to the far, far back of the warehouse." and she laughs throatily. I have always wanted to laugh throatily but mine is more of a guttural aboriginal word kind of laugh. And now, NOW, it was more of a high pitched anxiety ridden giggle of massively embarrassing proportions. And the gal I came with, she says, "Isn't she tasty?!?!?" Meaning ME. Which I kinda liked that. I mean who doesn't like being referred to as "tasty"? But then I thought about where I was and about what that could really MEAN and I was between another giggle of hysteria and a full out scream of panic. I had to do quite a bit of self-talk. "Reeeeelaaaxxxx!" I cautioned. "Reeeellllaaaaaxxxxxxxx....it's JUST a party. It's JUST a new experience. It's not a big deal. It's a lark...It's a...." and my self-talk froze because in front of me was this drop dead gorgeous creature of, oh almost but not quite, 5' 10" and she was holding a trophy in her hand. And she wasn't wearing much but what she was wearing appeared to be silk and leather which my mind really couldn't quite ALLOW me to wrap around and then I thought, "Wrap around..." and I was lost. LOST! Lost to this world of--I didn't even know what but now I was thinking it might be a really, really good idea. REALLY GOOD. For me to find out. This gorgeous one. She hands the trophy to the door person and purrs, "Can you put this with my coat, please? I just won the contest for...oh...you know...JUST one of the contests..." she said this so casually and in my mind I'm screaming "WHAT?!?!? WHAT?!?!? What did you win FOR?!?!?" And I'm completely smitten by her face and her body and her leather and silk wispy pieces and she turns to me and smiles and I start to fall over. Luckily my Keds had traction and I kind of acted like there was a strong wind that had blown me a bit around and I straightened up and said in a cracked boy-coming-of-age voice, "I'm...uh...I'm...that is...I'M HEADING...to the uh...to the BACK of the...to the uh...(and here I look down at my feet and kind of point) heading to the KEDS portion of the warehouse." and I just reach out and take her arm and say, with just a smidgen more authority, "And...AND...and yoooouuuuu...are...uh...you...YOU (and here I try to keep from fainting and I clutch her arm a little tighter)...Youyou are coming with ME!" And to my amazement I start to stroll...yes, I'm together enough to STROLL towards the back of the warehouse and this creature, this apparition actually strolls with me and smiles at me and lets me actually TOUCH her arm. Now would have been the time to chat casually or maybe offer up some really great innuendo or even flirt openly but no. NO. NO. NO. I was pretty much back to being in a total state of P-A-N-I-C. I was sure this gal, this glorious gal was going to shirk me off her arm and laugh and say something like, "Keds! Ha!" and stroll away to the feather or leather or pleather or whips or whipped cream sections of the warehouse...but she didn't. She even kind of moved closer to me. I felt a heart attack preparing itself in my chest. I really just wanted to leave there and get this gal her coat and head to, I don't know, maybe Denny's. I wanted to find out if she liked decaf or regular coffee, I wanted to know if she preferred pancakes or waffles. I wanted to put some clothes on her so that I could take some clothes off her. I wanted to hear her snore...I wanted her to meet my Mom. I wanted to play Yahtzee with her. I wanted to... We reached the KEDS section of the warehouse. She looked down at me and smiled. I looked up at her and blushed.
"I don't know what to do now." I confessed.
"You don't?!?"
"I've never been to a Ked's party." I admitted.
She laughed..."Oh, you'll be fine."
I started, "But..."
"I'll go with you." she promised.
So I took a deep breath and was ready to part the curtains and find out what really happened in the Keds section when the doors burst open and we were raided. Someone mistakenly identified me as one of the organizers and with my management background from my old job in corporate America the police thought it made sense. So there I was. In the pokey. Smiling, smiling, smiling down at my keds.

Last night's dream 12/16/09

Last night I dreamt I was at a cat show and the "Best of Show" was a calico Cornish Rex much like Rosebud. Rosebud ran off with this cat! Then a man came over and said, "I wrote a book." The book was the story of Rosebud and her TWO CHILDREN! I was stunned. I ran after her yelling, "You have KIDS?!?!?" She and this "B of S" Rex kept dodging me, running under tables, leaping over cats in crates. The organizers came running yelling at me, "Get your cat UNDER CONTROL!" they demanded. I smirked at them, shook my head, and said, "Tsk. You expect me, a mere mortal to get Rosebud under control?" They looked at me and then looked at Rosebud who was perched on top of one of the judges heads and then back at me and said, "Tsk." and walked away. The judge (with Rosebud on his head) was stammering and just slightly shaking. "She's...uh...sinking her claws in my head...a little...she's..." and then he trailed off because he saw the look on my face because I saw the look on Rosebud's face. She was getting ready to leave the guy's head. This was not a good thing for the guy even though he might think it would be. Because. Because it meant that Rosebud would need to "sink in" quite a bit to get the correct leverage to make her big leap to her next destination. He didn't yet know what he was in for. I rushed over but the man made a fatal mistake. He said, "Get this...this...animal off my head..." and then kinda sarcastically, "...please." It was the way he said "animal". I know my child is an animal. I realize she's a cat. I'm not naive. But the way he said it. You just don't diss my kids. So my frantic rush turned into a bit of a meandering stroll where I even stopped to take a quick look at a Sphynx in a crate who winked at me knowingly. So by the time I reached the judge Rosebud was sinking down, down, down into his little scalp and projecting herself into the air like the beautiful lean mean adorable machine that she is. This should be the end of the dream with maybe a little humorous anecdote at the end but no. The organizers had us held until the police can be called in. I snuck out my cell phone and made a quick call. By the time the police arrived Jesus was pulling up, in a limo this time, and in a suit. "Attorney for Rosebud and Elliott" he said and waved a hand and everyone turned into gingerbread houses. "Jesus!" I laughed. He grabbed Rosebud and the two touched noses. He said, "How `bout we go get us some cream and chicken and liver?" Rosebud purred. We got into the limo. Liberace was driving and the steering wheel was a keyboard (appropriately). He smiled at me in the rear view and started off. "Jesus..." I began but he interrupted, "Already on it Big E." and he waved his hand and no one was a gingerbread house anymore. Rosebud crawled on top of Liberace's head and Liberace laughed and laughed. Even when the claws sunk in.

Last night's dream 12/15/09

Last night I dreamt that my girlfriend and I were listening to a Meg Christian record and singing "Ode to a Gym Teacher" at the top of our lungs. We were laughing and falling into each others arms and spilling wine on the carpet and I didn't even care. I let that wine just puddle there. We laughed so hard a little wine came out my nose and we laughed even harder at that! That led to wine enema jokes for some reason and now we were rolling around on the floor and laughing so very hard that you couldn't even hear Meg anymore. Finally the laughter subsided and we were subdued. I looked out the window and said, "Oh...look at that...you don't see that everyday do you?" And my girlfriend looked out the window too. There was a pig with a big bee on it's back going down the street. The Bee had a little delicate whip in her hand and the pig had on a tutu. Then my girlfriend said "wine enema." and the laughter erupted all over again.

Last night's dream 12/14/09

Last night I dreamt that a Japanese man wanted to have lunch with me but the food was late and then he was in a meeting and then there was a dog that I had to entertain for some reason with a little yellow ball. I kept approaching the wrong Japanese man and asking if it was time yet or telling him that I was the one who wasn't quite ready and they were very gracious and would relay my message to the right Japanese man but then at the end of the dream it turned out that ALL the Japanese men wanted to have lunch with me. And not just one time. There was a poster posted that stated that there would be a Japanese Man Lunch with Elliott Night every Wednesday. And the kicker...ONLY Japanese food was to be served and it had to be home made. I ran home and ransacked the cupboards looking for my rice cooker. I couldn't find it. But when I opened the freezer package after package of shishamo fell out. I breathed a huge sigh of relief and took a swig of sake.

Last night's dream 12/11/09

Last night I dreamt I was in Venice and was on one of the many canals. I was eating marshmellows out of a bag. Tons of pigeons were crowding around me wanting one of those tasty white treats. I kept telling them, "These babies are for me, and only me! Go on now, go with your bad selves! Back to the plaza!" And to my amazement they all flew off in a huge white cloud of wings and beady black eyes. "Hmmm!" I thought with a little toss of my head, thinking I was super cool. Then I saw him sitting in the boat with me with his arm still held in the air in a waving dismissive gesture. "Jesus..." I mumbled. "Hi!" Jesus said all chummy. I wasn't feeling very chummy towards Jesus. We had just gotten out of the pokey for, like, the fifth time since arriving in Italy. "Gosh! It sure is beautiful on this canal!" Jesus mused. I went to take a little puff of white out of the bag and to my chagrin realized that the marshmellows now rested on Jesus' lap. "Hey! Come ON now!" I gestured angrily at the bag. Jesus giggled mischievously and handed me back the bag. I grabbed it back, irritated. The bag was empty. Jesus giggled again and waved his hand and the bag was full. Of mini rice cakes. "Better for you...and for that...um...little waistline of yours. I flushed with anger, embarrassment, and shame. "Oh great! Is this your way of being loving and kind?!?!" I asked with tears gathering in my eyes and threatening to slide down my face. "Oh for cryin' out loud!" muttered Jesus. "Try to have a little sarcastic fun...try to be just the slightest bit cynical! But NNNNNOOOOOOO! Not Jesus...Jesus can't be sarcasticcynicallyclevernaughtygossipyflirtynastybitinglyfunny...he's got to be the GOOD BOY! Well I'm SICK of it!" And he, somehow he got the bag of marshmellows back, threw the bag up in the air and little white blocks of delight came down littering the canal, the boat, and us.
"Tsk."
"Come on..."
"No...you know it's true..."
"Come on now..."
"I have to be so "Up-With-People-ish" all the f-ing time! It's not FAIR!"
Here I had to really, really just breathe. Nothing else. Just take in some breaths. I think I hummed a little. Because Jesus is not "the good boy". I mean, HOLY CRAP! He's in trouble ALL the time! I am constantly having to get us out of jams! He's the flirting-est religious icon I know! He's sassy, mean-spirited, goofy, and glowy. He's the definition of sarcasm and he's the definition of grace. As I hummed some more I realized just how important he was in my life and when I thought of him being the definition of grace I got truly, really truly, this is no embellishment...I got choked up. He was my hero.
"You know your my savior...right?" I said.
He blushed! OMG! Jesus blushed at me!!!
"It's true. I don't know what I would do if we didn't know each other. There would be a really big hole in my life. You know that right?"
"Yeah..." he muttered with a little upside down smile on his face which showcased his dimples quite nicely.
"What do you want to do? Get some gelato?!?!" I asked.
"Paragliding!" He said hopefully.
"Again!?!?" I asked and his face started to fall but I was laughing and he started laughing too.
"I love you dude." Jesus said.
"I love you too." I said back.

Last night's dream 12/07/09

Last night I dreamt that Jesus and I were at happy hour and he had knocked back a few and he was talking about his dad...again.
"Everyone thinks Dad is a planner! Dad's not a planner...no. He's a spur of the moment guy! Really, you think he sat down and diagrammed out some of this shit?"
I tried to change the subject..."Isn't our waiter a cutie?" I tried.
"Like platypuses, Hitler, colic for babies, whipped cream in a can, osteoporosis, ostriches, shooting stars, the mojito..." and here he holds up his mojito. "All FLUKES!"
"Well..." I begin.
"And FLUKES too! Flukes are flukes...He would finish dinner, turn to Mom and say, 'Goin' to the basement for awhile.' and off he'd trot and sit there in a broken down barco-lounger...oh, it was so cool, it was red leather and that thing ROCKED. I could sell that on Ebay for, like, I bet maybe a thousand bucks!"
"Well..." I get out.
"So he'd sit in this barco-lounger and he's mutter to himself for awhile and pop a Pepsi or a Pabst. Pretty soon he'd be up and rummaging around in these tubs he kept down there and the next thing you know he'd come up and drop something like a platypus or a toucan on to the dining room table and make all of us kids comment on it. Mom would literally run out of the house and be watering the garden (of Eden) or something by the time he reached the top of the stairs. We kids didn't mind, she had to put up with him all the years before we were all born so..."
"Well..." I attempted.
"So this toucan or maybe a macaw or a miniature pony or a goatee would be sitting there and we'd have to give it stars. Five stars was super good and one star was like a 'try-again-dad' thing. No one ever gave Dad one star!" and Jesus burst into giggles.
"Well..."
"Yeah, there WAS one time that Neil, my brother Neil, gave Dad one star and (eruption of giggles) oh crap man! Dad turned Neil into a miniature putt putt golf course for three days! See! No planning! He just pulled stuff like that out of his ass! (another giggle eruption)"
"Well..."
Silence.
"Oh! Well..."
"Yeah, my old man! I couldn't be prouder! Don't get me wrong! The imagination on that guy! It's AMAZING!!! I mean he is ALWAYS thinking! And 99% of the time he's spot on! Brilliant! But I really live for that other 1%, know what I mean? I live for those times when Dad goes a little tilt-a-whirl on shit! (more giggling)"
"Well..."
"And the coolest thing about Dad? He's all forgiving. Yeah, he might turn you into a golf course or something when he's ticked off but then he comes around and forgives everyone for any stupid shit they do. That's the real beauty of Dad. Hey, let's get another mojito, `k?"

Last night's dream 12/05/09

Last night I dreamt I was in a Mexican bar in Mexico. It was a rough bar. It was not a good situation. I was very nervous. I sat off in the corner mostly staring down at the floor or at my festive alcoholic beverage. I didn't realize it until something was said but I was doing that annoying habit that I have...I was twiddling my thumbs.
"Thumb twiddler, uh?" Shouted out a guy who had a scar running across his face.
"You come in HERE and twiddle?!?!" Yelled a really big hairy guy with no shirt.
"I..." I choked out.
"What you BORED, Thumb twiddler? Is that it? We BORE you?" Demanded a guy with one eye.
"I..." Hoarsely.
"Come on Thumb Twit! Let us in on your little secret! Why you so BORED here, uh? WHY you come in HERE and twiddle like that, uh? And it better be GOOD!" said a really enormous guy with a mustache and tattoos...who turned out to be the barmaid.
"No..." I struggled to raise my voice above a whisper. "No...not bored...shy...uncomfortable...nervous...not...bored, no...I'm...not me...lovely...bar...really...great...decor...good....stuff...festive drinks...lovely..." I spewed out between the thunder of my heartbeats.
They all glared at me menacingly.
Then Barbara Streisand bursts through the door in her Yentl attire and a birthday cake in her hands. The cake is shaped like a turduken. Everyone gathers around and a rousting round or three of happy birthday ensues.
I'm forgotten in my corner. Twiddling my thumbs in earnest.

Last night's dream 12/04/09

Last night I dreamt I was hanging from a cliff. My heart was pounding near out of my chest and I was a hairs breath from panic. I kept moving my legs and feet seeking a tiny bit of purchase just enough to take the stress off my arms and hands. There was nothing. Nothing. Jesus appeared over the edge of the cliff, smiling down at me. "Let go." he encouraged. "Help me!" I begged. "Help me up!" He shook his head no and really smiled and repeated, "Let go. It'll be fine." I looked over my shoulder and the drop was so magnificent that I couldn't see the bottom. Just a black pit. "Help me up! Help me up!" I pleaded. Again the smile, the head shake, the gentle, "It'll be alright...just...let...go." I proceeded to explore the wall with my feet and legs. I grew frantic. My arms were tiring and I knew I couldn't hold much longer. Jesus sighed. "I'll help you." he said, and stood up. Then he stomped his foot down on my right hand as hard as he could. I screamed and let go of the cliff. Now I dangled one handed from the cliff's edge. Jesus smiled and stomped on my left hand. I released the cliff's edge and down, down, down I went...falling through space. Falling. Then "thwunk" I landed. In your arms. In the arms of love.

Last night's dream 12/03/09

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud, Nigel, and I were going to Goodwill. Rosebud was cranky because she wanted to stay at home and sleep and Nigel was cranky because I didn't let him bring his Q-tip stick. I had put a few things in the cart to try on. One was this really fabulous leopard print top that I was positive would make my waist look tiny whilst drawing attention to my magnificent rack. As a bonus it had the half price color tag! Nigel came down the aisle dragging a junior scientist chem lab box. "Moooommmmm!" he foamed excitedly, "I can blow things up!" Then he saw my face and his face fell. "Moooooommmmmmm!" he said beseechingly, "I'll only blow up small things! Pleeeaaaassssseeeee Moooooommmmmmmmm!" Rosebud comes up behind him and shoves her knee into the back of his knee and he goes sprawling. Then he starts crying. I look around and everyone is staring. "Nigel, Nigel..." I croon, "Come here little Fella." I pick up Nigel and he sinks into my shoulder and I pat his back. Then he starts the fist punching in thin air thing that he does. I have no idea what this means but I let him punch a little air until he calms down. "Look, let's pass on the lab and I'll get us all chicken and liver treats for tonight!" Nigel shakes his head "Okay" excitedly. Boy loves his chicken and liver. Then I turn to deal with Rosebud. I spot her at the far end of the store innocently leafing through paperbacks. I sigh. I turn around ready to head for the dressing room to try on a few things. I look down and the leopard print top is gone! I look around the cart thinking maybe Nigel knocked it out. It's nowhere to be found. "Tsk!" I think. Then I head to the dressing rooms and see that one is occupied and the second one is empty. I go in with Nigel who makes a face. He doesn't really like to see me in my "all unders" as he calls them. "You can face the wall or close your eyes..." I state. He goes in with me and pulls out a pouch of jacks and a ball. He doesn't play, he just examines them. I am trying on one of my finds when I catch a glimpse of a leopard print sleeve brushing the floor of the dressing room stall next to me. Sharp intake of breath! "Why the nerve..." I mutter low and menacingly--safe in my dressing room. Then I hear, "With a little tuck here and a little tuck there, Hot 70's Disco Night, here I come!" I yell out, "Jesus!" There is silence in the other dressing room. A pregnant pause and then furtive gathering of items and the sound of an attempt to open the door without making a sound. "Jesus Christ!" I shout again. Then I realize that I am in a dressing room and that the whole store is probably staring my way. "Nigel, stay here, honey." I say as I turn and yank open my door. There stands Jesus attempting to slink away with the leopard print top under his arm. "What are you DOING?!?!" I say accusingly. "Oh, yeah, accuse, accuse, accuse!" He snorts. "As if I haven't had enough of THAT in my life!"
"You can't steal things out of people's carts, especially out of FRIENDS carts, like that just because you had a rough childhood! We ALL have damn it. We ALL have!" and I look around for support but the other shopping ladies are all averting their eyes and moving away slowly but purposefully towards housewares. "Tsk." says Jesus and hands over the leopard print top. I go back into the room and try it on. It doesn't fit. I come back out and hand it back to Jesus who whoops a little bit and does a few opening steps to "The Hustle". Rosebud is leaning against the outside wall of the dressing room texting. She gives Jesus the hairy eyeball. The two just don't get along. Nigel comes out of the dressing room with his little sack of jacks and balls and yells, "Uncle Jesus!" and leaps into Jesus' arms. "Hey little bud!" says Christ. "How's it hanging?" "Long and wide!" replies Nigel. He doesn't know what it means but that's what his Uncle has taught him to reply. Jesus always has a little tickle from this. So I stand watching him chuckle and Nigel looking hopeful that he's said it right and Rosebud yawning and texting. I say, "Ok, who's up for chicken and liver treats?" and we all wave a hand in the air.

Last night's dream 12/02/09

Last night I dreamt that Jesus came over.
"What do you want to do Little E?" (he calls me Little E sometimes. Mostly its okay but sometimes its condescending and I get irked. On this occasion it was said in an affectionate tone so I was good with it.)
"Ummm...want to get soft tacos?" I suggested.
"Not hungry."
"Oh...well...we could go to happy hour somewhere..."
"Groovy, dude, groovy!" (He calls me dude sometimes too and that one does bugs me. I always want to point out that I'm a gal and that if anything I'm a dudette but he counters with the old doctor/doctorette and outdated actor/actress argument. So I just let him call me dude sometimes.)
So we headed to the local gay bar. First of all because it's Palm Springs and where else ya gonna go? And secondly because Jesus prefers gay bars. I'm not saying Jesus is gay! You want to know about Jesus' sexuality YOU ask him. I do think it's safe to reveal that when Jesus has had a couple of mojitos he loosens up and is a MAJOR flirt! He's good at it too! But, he KNOWS it. And that spoils it a little for me. He acts very innocent but, hey, he's the son of God so innocence gets trumped by the all-knowingness thing. He flirts with everybody! Everybody. Actually, he's kinda slutty. In a very spiritual way! Very spiritual. But also very slutty.
Anyway, we head to the gay bar and Jesus always does this other thing that bugs me. He produces the free drink chip. He just pulls it out of thin air. He hasn't purchased a drink previously to get the chip. I roll my eyes and mutter, "Tsk." But he always replies, "Loaves and fishes, baby, loaves and fishes."
So we're in the gay bar.
A bunch of guys come over and sort of swarm Jesus. It's that magnetism thing he has, the glowy aura around him is like a naked bulb to a bunch of moths. So these guys are laughing at his jokes and buying him drinks and a few are out and out mauling him and Jesus is in his glory! Well, not his, you know, Glory glory, but he's definitely eating up the attention. I even catch him batting his eyelashes.
I have the odd conversation about fashion or shoes or where to shop for thousand thread count sheets and sip my dirty martini. I have found myself in the pokey with Jesus more than once, so I usually keep an eye on him but tonight I got distracted by my own pondering and before I knew it there were words, loud words, being exchanged between a big bear and Jesus and a little bear was standing nearby looking both appalled and excited. "Oh crap!" I mutter and polish off my martini with a quick swig. Then I rush over hoping it isn't too late but Jesus had escalated. He always escalates. I don't know what it is about him but he seems to crave the drama. You'd think after what he's been through that a quiet evening at the local gay bar would be enough but with Jesus it never is! He likes to be in the spotlight and that's exactly where he was right at the moment. The entire bar had hushed and were staring with glee, pity, encouragement, or boredom (depending on age and history) at the bears and Jesus. I plow in, "Jesus, J!, Jesus, what's up dude?" (sometimes I call him dude back because I know he likes it.) "Don't call me dude!" he shrieks. Oh. It's going to be one of THOSE nights. I stand in front of the big bear and say, "Honey, believe me, he ain't worth getting your panties in a twist over. Let me buy you and your fella here..." and he breaks in "MY HUSBAND!" "Yeah, yeah, okay, you and your husband. That's so fucking cool! Wasn't prop 8 a fucking slap?" I say. One to get him interested in something else besides Jesus' bad behavior and two, I don't usually throw around the f word like that but in these situations I have found that (being five foot two) using a little foul language makes me seem taller. So I'm f-ing this and f-ing that and I order up a few drinks and Jesus is being comforted (Comforted!) but a young Asian, so he's distracted, and Jesus is murmuring something about Shintoism. The bears stalk off and I motion to Jesus that it's really time to go. He grabs hold of the Asian and they stroll out of the bar ahead of me. Jesus whispers to the Asian and the Asian laughs gently, with a hand over a little luscious mouth. Jesus comes over and says, "I'm going to do a bad thing! I'm going to ditch you, `k?" He asks all smirky perky. "`K!" I reply smirky perky back. Then he says, with complete sincerity, "Little E! You're the BEST!" And when Jesus compliments you like that, believe me, it lights you up like a Christmas tree! That's why I hang with Jesus. Even when he's smirky perky. It's a faith thing.

Last night's dream 12/01/09

Last night I dreamt that Jesus and I were walking out in the forest. There was a stream to the right and Jesus kept slamming into my shoulder to try and knock me into the stream. "Cut it out..." I said wearily.
Jesus always tried this kind of crap on me when we were together. He slammed me again. "For the love of...!" I exclaimed.
"Come on! I want to baptise you!"
"Forget it!"
"Come on, come on, come on!"
"No. Absolutely not. Can you just let me have my own BELIEFS for a change!"
He starts pouting.
"Tsk."
"Hey, did you see that bird? Little tiny blue thing! How cool!" I try.
"BFD."
I give up, because with Jesus there are very few ways to pull him out of a sulk.
I stumble and fall to the ground. Jesus leaps into action!
"Is anything broken?" he asks excitedly.
"Uh....oh...uh...no, no, nothing broken..."
He looks crestfallen.
"Ow! Ow!" I whinge. "Oh man! I have DEFINITELY sprained the heck out of my ankle, though!" I lie encouragingly.
"I'll HEAL you! I'll HEAL you!" he squeals.
And he does. And now he's happy again.
"You're kinda bored these days, huh?" I ask.
"Oh, you have no idea..." He begins and then goes off into a long rambling diatribe about how in the old days he was respected, misunderstood, feared, adored, attacked, revered...a whole host of reactions. "Now, El...now, people have put me in a little box of understanding. They think they have me all figured out! I'm the son of GOD for crying out loud! Figured out. Can you beat that?!?!?"
"I've never been in your position J." I say. "I really don't know how to help you. I wish I knew what to say or do to ease your pain...but...I don't. And I feel bad about that."
He perks up.
"Tsk." Because I walked right into it.
He slams into my shoulder and I allow myself to tumble into the stream.