Last night I dreamt that Jesus and I were Christmas shopping at the Mall. We had planned to do all our shopping online but I had ordered something for my girlfriend that came in the mail and...well...I was disappointed when I saw it. Jesus tried to sell me on it.
"It's...nice!" he lied.
"No...no, Jesus...it's not "nice"...it's..."
"She'll like it!" he lied again.
"I really hate it when you lie." I said. "It's one of the things I count on is that you won't lie to me."
"It SUCKS!" he chortled gleefully.
So we were at the Mall. And Jesus was standing in the "Sit on Santa's Lap" line.
"Come on! Do you REALLY have to do this?" I pleaded. "I have to find that one super special item for my gal! The stores will be closing in three hours! Please!" I begged.
"Plenty of time, Big E!" He said enthusiastically. "Gonna sit on Santa's lap!" he added.
"Tsk."
So he stood in line and I kept running to a store and back to the line to check on him (because when you are out with Jesus it's always a good idea to check on him periodically) and then running down the mall to another store. I was having NO LUCK WHAT-SO-EVER in the super special item department. I was sweating. I was anxious. I was getting cranky.
Jesus, who had been waiting in line for over an hour was also starting to get cranky.
Both of us cranky was a bad thing. Who would talk us down?!?!? We began to feed each other's crankiness and started really whipping each other into a frenzy.
"What if Santa decides to take a break before he gets to you?" I asked innocently.
"What if you can't find the super special item tonight? He responded casually.
"What if the mall closes before your turn?" I notched it up a bit.
"What if you NEVER find the super special item and it's Christmas morning?" He was pretty good at notching himself.
"What if..." I began but he interjected...
"...and on Christmas morning your gal opens her presents and her little face is crestfallen and her little lip crumples up and her liquid brown eyes fill with tears and..."
"ALRIGHT!" I shouted.
Lots and lots of people paused to stare but most were sympathetic...it was Christmas shopping after all and it wasn't like I was the only American having a shopping related meltdown.
Jesus sighed. "We need food." he said.
So I ran and got us soft pretzels and Orange Juliuses. We snacked in line and that did help quite a bit.
"Don't worry...you are almost to him now." I said.
"You know if you just gave that gal of yours a big smooch on Christmas morning she'd be happy." he replied.
He might have been truthing right then but I couldn't accept that. My gal was special. I just had to find the super special item. So far online shopping was letting me down and so were the malls. I was forlorn.
Suddenly it was Jesus' turn with Santa.
He asked for peace on earth and an end to all wars and violence (which I felt was redundant) and a vintage train set that we had seen in an antique store downtown (which really wasn't for Santa's benefit but a very broad hint to me) and promised to leave out cookies and milk. Santa was irked that a grown man would (as he interpreted it) make fun of him and waste his time (he had no idea that it was Jesus on his lap) but when Jesus got off his lap he kinda waved his hand at Santa and touched his shoulder and man, these are the moments to live for when you hang with Jesus because that guy in the Santa suit...he just lit up like a...well, a Christmas tree. And his face lost all it's holiday-related anxiety and he kinda sighed into his own heart. And everyone within, oh about a hundred mile radius, felt a bit of the feeling and there was a lot of relaxing and heart expanding going on.
"Super cool." I whispered to him.
"Super cool. " he replied.
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