Last night's dream 9/9/09

Last night I dreamt I was on a date with a chicken. It was a blind date and I was miffed at my friend who had arranged it. "Here I am all gussied up and for what?!?! A chicken!" I thought heatedly. The chicken was nice enough but where was the intense conversation about spirituality, societal norms, cultural oddities, or even gossip about the latest movie or intriguing book or TV show? No. The chicken was pretty limited. The chicken clucked a bit but other than that was fairly unengaged. "What kind of a date is this?!?!" I thought near tears. "OK, calm down.." I told myself. "Maybe the chicken is shy." So I went out of my way to ask about siblings and hobbies and what have you. But all's I got was more clucking. We went to dinner at a pretty nice restaurant but I had to order vegetarian which didn't make me too happy but I felt I had no choice. The chicken order cornmeal. We didn't talk much. I kept focusing on my salad and counting the number of chews per bite. I didn't even get to look at a dessert menu before the chicken had whipped out a tiny wallet and plopped down a credit card on top of the bill. We sat looking at each other over after dinner coffee. Finally I couldn't resist. "So, why DID the chicken cross the road?" I asked innocently.

Last night's dream 9/8/09

Last night I dreamt I was a fairy and I lived in a toadstool. It was so cozy! There was a little fireplace in the corner and a little tiny bear rug in front of it. There was a little tiny wooden table that I have obviously made and on the table a little tiny bowl of tiny fruit. Unfortunately, as usual, I hadn't eaten the fruit fast enough and there was a swarm of really, really tiny fruit flies around the bowl. I tsk`ed disgustedly and got out a little teeny tiny biodegradable garbage bag and threw the spoiled fruit in the bag leaving it open for a moment so that the swarm of really, really tiny fruit flies could follow the fruit into the bag. I reasoned that the bag would biodegrade before the flies would die. I was after all a fairy and cherished life in all it's forms, even annoying fruit flies. I shucked off my tiny fairy boots....oh! They were so dang cute! They had a curved toe area and...well, they were adorable fairy boots, picture them for yourselves...I shucked off my tiny fairy boots and crossed the wooden floor in my striped fairy socks. I decided to do my workout DVD so I went over to the tiny plasma TV and put the DVD in the player. While it was loading I took off my fairy dress...it was coated with THE BEST sequins! and got into my fairy workout clothes. Due to the generous endowment of my rack I had to wear two fairy sports bras for optimal support of my fairy breasts. The instructor was ready to begin and so was I. I did the warm up and then rolled my eyes because the next part was push ups and I really felt that as a fairy push ups were unnecessary and I worried that I would become too muscley and not be fairy enough. With this on my mind I kind of "phoned in" the push ups but when it came to the sit up section I was right there giving it 110%! And with my abs there was no question that 110 was the LEAST I should offer. Now when it came to the jumping jack section there was always a problem. I tended to start to fly. I couldn't help it! I'd do a jack and the next thing I knew I'd be clocking my head against the ceiling. I'd set myself back down but within a jack or two I'd be right back up there again. This was a dilemma. So I mentioned it at my fairy support group and after they all looked at me like I was a human or something one of them asked if I couldn't tether myself to some large (well, in the fairy world that would really be tiny) piece of furniture. Problem solved! Except that I had to tether myself super fast so that I wouldn't fall behind in the DVD program. But that was okay because doing it fast kept my heart rate up so all in all it was a win/win. We fairies like win/win and myself, in particular, I like win/win a lot. I really don't like lose/lose and if it's lose/win I better be on the back half of that /. Anyway, after I finished my workout I felt very righteous so I made myself a HUGE (well, again in the fairy world it was really quite tiny) coffee ice cream shake! Mmmmmm. That took care of dinner. I realized I hadn't fed the cats and I called out, "Kitty! Kitty! Kitty!" and two dust mites came running gangbusters into the room and straight to the food bowls. In fairy terms the dust mites were just about the size of normal human cats so it wasn't as disgusting as it sounds. I petted each of them and put down a heaping (in fairy terms barely the size of a pinhead) helping of organic wet food for them. The female dust mite sniffed the food and strolled away unimpressed. I called after her, "That crap is over a buck a can girlie!" The male dust mite wolfed it down as if he hadn't eaten...ever. That taken care of I threw on my fairy sandals and went out to the mailbox. Bills, bills, and a Netflix DVD. Back in the house I popped the DVD in and settled in to watch "America's Next Top Fairy, Cycle 13".

Last night's dream 9/6/09

Last night I dreamt I was getting ready for a date. I have many fabulous dresses but each one I tried on had an issue. It was too small. It was too big. It was ripped. It was stained. It was a bad color on me. It wasn't flattering. It was too slutty. It was too conservative. The pattern was too bold. The pattern was too subtle. It was the wrong season for it. I didn't have shoes to go with it. It made me look old. The style was too youthful. It was too short. It was too long. I felt funny in it. I left dresses and moved on to skirts. First I tried on a big Southern Belle hoop skirt and I thought, "Well, how will I get into a restaurant booth in this thing?!?!" Then I tried on a grass skirt, too casual. Then I tried on a leather skirt, too S&M. Then I tried on a Catholic Girl's school skirt, too "getting my freak on". Then I tried on a white skirt, too risky, there would be food involved. Suddenly that was the end of the skirts and I thought, "Well, that's not right! I KNOW I have over 40 skirts..." So I dug around in the closet some more but couldn't find any other skirts. My closet was filled with travel brochures for the Ukraine. I flipped one open and then another and another. The women in the brochures were all wearing these amazing dresses and skirts! I couldn't get over the fabulous "looks" the models had. "Well, that's it!" I declared to the cats, "I'm going to the Ukraine!" I still didn't have a skirt for my date that night so I headed to the toolbox, like I always do in a pinch. I pulled out the duct tape and got ready for my date.

Last night's dream 9/5/09

Last night I dreamt that I went to a parade and at the end of the parade I realized I had to hike through a forest to get home. The sun was about to set and I just knew that there was no way I was going to make it all the way through the forest before it got dark. I was angry and embarrassed. I had on a tank top and shorts and sneakers. I worried about mosquitoes and also just the general vulnerability of the outfit in the woods in the dark. I had to tinkle too and most of the shops were closed. I figured I could tinkle in the woods but that didn't really appeal to me, not that I am not a rugged individual...but I am not a rugged individual...as much as I'd like to classify myself as one. I had no hat, nothing to cover my legs or arms, no bug repellent, no flashlight. I walk past a house and this woman motions me over. "It's your house." she says. I go inside and am so relieved that I don't have to walk through the woods although I think, "Wait a minute, this isn't Bisbee..." Once inside I am astonished by the filth! The kitchen is very strange with appliances in the middle of the room and every surface is sticky and dusty. I glance over at the refrigerator just in time to see a black widow spider crawl up under it. I look over and four more spiders are in the middle of the floor by a torn piece of paper. They are swarming the paper. I yell for help and my ex appears and he starts stomping on the spiders and I am calling over to him, "They are not all black widows! One is a tarantula!" and I'm hoping that he becomes less zealous and doesn't kill the tarantula because they are one of those "good" spiders. "Why didn't I just "man up" and take care of them myself?" I think. "Why did I have to yell for back up?" I wonder. "I didn't "man up" because there were four freakin' spiders! One being a huge freakin' tarantula! That's why I didn't "man up"..." The ex and the bugs disappear and I let out a huge sigh of relief at THAT. I turn back to the counters and start looking for some cleaning supplies because everything is really, like, disgustingly dirty. Like heebie jeebie dirty. I realize there is no sink in the kitchen. I tsk and sigh and go looking for a sink and find it in the living room next to the bird feeder. I find a bucket under the sink and start to fill it with water that comes out of the faucet Caribbean blue. I am thankful for this bit of brightness. I suddenly realize everything else is monochrome or extremely muted. Reds are maroon at best, blues are the darkest indigo, mostly it's gray and murky beige. I get the festive water in the bucket and go back into the kitchen. I find these huge sponges inside the refrigerator and some natural, good for the environment, cleaner on the table of the restaurant booth that is jammed in the corner. I begin to clean off every surface in the kitchen. It's hard work and I am sweating by the time I finish. I go around the kitchen touching all the surfaces to verify that they are free from any stickiness or residue. Then I remember I have to tinkle and I go looking for the bathroom. I find it and get myself situated and the door flies open and someone comes in dressed in a red field outfit. "I found this in the closet, the old lady helped me and I can wear this on the walk across the forest back home!" says a muffled voice through a filter in a face plate attached to a helmet. "Uh...a little PRIVACY PLEASE!" I say and motion for the red being to leave. They stay. They continue to discuss the many attributes of the red outfit while I try to do my business but I can't. After several more, "Would you just wait outside!" and "Do you MIND?!?!?" the red being steps outside with a muffled, "I'll wait right outside the door!" I still can't do anything. The moment has passed and I am uncomfortable and confused. I go outside. I ask the red being, "Well, is there another red suit for me?" The red being starts and replies, "Well, no. There's just the one suit and it fits me. It won't fit you. I mean...it would be huge on you." And I reply with frustration, "Well, are there at least long pants somewhere here for me?" and the red being points to another room and on the floor are a pair of men's khaki pants. I put them on and they are like a 44 inch waist and come up under my armpits. I start looking around for a way to secure them and realize I will have to hold them scrunched up against my body the entire walk back. I find one of those key ring flashlights. "That'll have to do..." I think even as I'm thinking, "This is INSANE!" I walk out and the old woman says, "I'm going home..." and she waits and I realize she's waiting for me and the red being to get out of the house so she can lock the doors. And I think, "I thought this was MY house..." and then it dawns on me..."Oh man! She said that so that I would clean her KITCHEN for her!" And I feel very taken advantage of and stupid for not realizing all of this much, much earlier. We all leave the house and I don't understand why but I am very thankful that it still seems to be about 4 o'clock and we'll have about 30 minutes or so before it gets dark in the woods. I turn on the little key ring flashlight and look at it's pathetic beam. I think, "Yeah, uh huh, and you should have grabbed a BUTTER KNIFE for defense too..." I look across the street at the forest and the path I'm supposed to take. The red being is already at the entrance waving to me to hurry up and follow and then they disappear down the path. I look around and in the distance I see a neon sign that makes me smile, a La Quinta!!! I hesitate for a moment to make sure I have a credit card on me and then I head down to the La Quinta. When I walk in my little Italian friend is behind the counter and she says, "El! Been waitin'. Rosebud and Nigel are in room 1313 and..." she looks behind her at the wall clock, "...it's just about time for festive alcoholic beverages on the patio!" Then she places a key on the counter and disappears through a door. I hear her voice say, "See you soon!" I run to 1313 and using the key fling the door open. On the bed are Rosebud and Nigel laying back against a pillow, each with one long lean leg sprawled out in front of them, the other tucked under their bodies. Rosebud has the clicker in her paw and they are watching AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL CYCLE 13. Rosebud says, "Hey Mom!" never taking her eyes off the screen and Nigel jumps up and runs over saying, "HI MOM! HI MOM! HI MOM!" and reaches for my inner elbow with his face so that he can suck my arm. I scoop him up and give him a hug. Then I head to the bathroom to finally tinkle.

Last night's dream 9/4/09

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud, Nigel, and I were escaping from the Nazi troops that had invaded Palm Springs. We were doing a kind of "Sound of Music" retreat across the desert. I was in the lead with a backpack full of cat food, their Drinkwell Platinum drinking fountain, their food bowls, a big bag of their Organix dry food, and a pair of underwear for myself. In my hands I carried a bag of "The World's Best Cat Litter" and a litter box. Rosebud was after me. She had on these ADORABLE hiking boots and nothing else. Nigel had on a pair of Dr. Marten's and a blue tutu. They were both walking upright in the dream. Both had on backpacks. Rosebud's was a Xena The Warrior backpack and it was full of tin foil balls. Nigel's was an Ironman backpack and it was full of Q-tip sticks with the fuzzy ends removed. We all had on matching Bolle sunglasses. After about three hours of walking the cats were pretty tired so I scooped them up and put them in the litter box with the bag of litter and we continued on our way. Nigel began to suckle the inside of my elbows and this time I didn't stop him, the kid had been through enough. I stopped to rest under a very small tree and I broke off a piece of cactus so we could all drink from it's sticky liquid. I glanced back over the horizon and saw soldiers coming our way. I threw down the cactus and grabbed the litter box jamming both cats into it unceremoniously. I ran as fast as I could my heart beating furiously my mind spinning! How had they found us so quickly? From the opposite direction I saw a puff of smoke that became a trail and then I saw the Hummer coming at me. It was loaded with nuns and I knew then that we would be okay.

Last night's dream 9/3/09

I dreamt I was making spaghetti for a film crew. Angelina Jolie came up to me and asked if I wanted to be adopted but when I told her I was an American she lost interest and strolled away. I noticed she was wearing these Chie Mihara shoes that I have always lusted after and regretted that I didn't tell her I was from a third world country because I thought, "If anyone can afford a BUNCH of Chie Mihara's it's Angelina...actually Chie Mihara's are probably slumming for Angelina..." and then I stirred the spaghetti again. Joni Mitchell came over and I didn't recognize her and she had to tell me she was Joni Mitchell and I felt embarrassed for both of us. I told her I liked her song "Luka" and then was really embarrassed because truthfully I liked it the first time or two I heard it and then I got bored with it pretty fast and would always change the station when it would come on. When I told her I liked it she kinda rolled her eyes like, "Is that all people can remember of my vast musical career?!??!" and I thought, "Man, it's too bad Joni didn't show up in someones dream that was a really big fan of hers..." Then I stirred the spaghetti again. Joni grabbed a salad and headed for her dressing room to eat in peace. Kate Blanchett walked up and I thought, "Oh my! Oh my! I am in LOVE with Kate Blanchett! She is so pale. She is translucent!" And I stirred the spaghetti really hard and tried to act cool but she just smiled at me, grabbed a yogurt and left. I opened a cabinet door to check see if my paleness came close to Kate's paleness but my paleness was more sallow and Kate's was more ethereal and I thought, "Well, yeah, she probably spends thousands of dollars on her skin care regime and I get whatever dregs I can at the TJ Maxx clearance table..." Meg Ryan comes up and is very nice to me and actually orders a plate of the spaghetti when it's ready. I can't help thinking, "Wow! I thought Angelina had big lips. Yikes! Her face is like two thirds lip..." then I feel bad because it's not her fault and I think she probably was just trying to look better and I think, "Aren't we all? Aren't we all?" And I think again about my TJ Maxx vitamin C night creme which I've started using about 20 years too late and that leads me to thinking about my retirement fund because that's another thing I started about 20 years too late. I give the spaghetti a vicious stir and then I calm down remember that it's just life and I am very lucky for the great life I have and I think about my babies and realize they are cats and how lucky is that?!?! Waaaayyyy lucky! By then the spaghetti was done and I pour this huge, huge vat of spaghetti into a huge colander and then onto this huge platter that frankly resembled a kiddie swimming pool from a discount super store and then I pour another huge, huge vat of spaghetti sauce on top with what must've been a thousand meatballs in it and I go over and ring one of those old triangles like in the old western movies and all of these extras and sound technicians and best boys and girls come running at me whooping and hollering. I step back and wipe my hands on my apron. Christoper Walken comes up to me and I have to hold the counter to keep from fainting because it's Christopher (f-ing) Walken! And he says, "You've done a good job here...with the pasta and the meatballs and all...I'm impressed. I like your style. You've got something kid." And I croak out a "Thank you Mr. Walken...sir." He strides over to the table doing a little pirouette at the last minute before grabbing a plate and digging into the spaghetti. I literally have to wipe a tear from my eye before grabbing the cookbook off the shelf and flipping through looking for tomorrow's lunch item.

Last night's dream 9/2/09

Last night I dreamt that I was at the grocery store and couldn't find the organic half and half. I traversed the store three times always thinking, "Oh, it must be down this aisle!" Only to find myself in the frozen pizzas or the olives. After the third time around I sat down on the floor and burst into tears. "Great!" I thought, "Just great! How in the hell am I supposed to have my coffee tomorrow morning without my organic half and half?!?!" I reached into my apron pocket for a Kleenex and could only find a pathetic ball of old tissue that had past it's usefulness. "Yeah, past it's usefulness...just like ME!" I sobbed to myself and headed down the Kleenex aisle, I grabbed a box off the shelf, tore the top off and proceeded to blatantly use unpurchased Kleenex to staunch the god-awful flow of sadness coming from my nose and eyes. I slid back down to the floor. "It's over..." I thought morosely. "All over...No organic half and half...no organic coffee for breakfast...no coffee...no energy...no energy...the litter box doesn't get cleaned...the litter box doesn't get cleaned Rosebud inappropriately urinates...Rosebud inappropriately urinates I fall into a deeper depression...I fall into a deeper depression I forget to bathe regularly...I forget to bathe regularly I start to smell...I start to smell people stop inviting me over for dinners and conversation...dinners and conversation stop and I am forced to rely on my 'self talk'....forced to rely on my 'self talk' I become more paranoid and start to question why the cats are looking at me 'that way'...i worry about the cat's looking at me 'that way'..." My worry spiral is interrupted by my inability to yank another Kleenex out of the box. I look down to find that there is something jammed into the box. I pull it out. It's a coupon for 1/2 off organic half and half. This brings a fresh outburst as I realize that not only is life futile and the Universe an uncaring blob but it toys with us. It makes fun of us in our weakest, most pathetic hour. "Not this time!" I roar (inside my head). I tear up the coupon furiously and jam it back into the Kleenex box. I stand up on my little shaky pathetic legs and put the Kleenex box in the cart. I go to the front of the store to pay for my Kleenex and go home for more sulking and possibly to whip up some cake mix which I will then eat, uncooked, like some evil soup of the devil which will make me quite nauseated and somehow that will make me feel justified for my poor behavior. When I get to the front of the store there is a cow behind the counter. I hold up the Kleenex box and say, "Just this..." The cow says, "That's been opened." I reach across, grab the cow by the throat and hiss, "Just the box of Kleenex which YES is opened because I was having a FIT and needed to do something about the huge amount of...and I hate this word and I hate you for making me say it you stupid COW...I needed something to catch the huge amount of SNOT (and here I cringe and involuntarily squirm and nearly gag) coming out of me! So...YES...it's opened. Ring me up." And I released the cow's throat and kind of set her back down near the cash register. She is visibly shaken. I start to feel bad but then I remember what a pathetic, incoherent mess I am about to be when I get home and so I brush off the guilt and dig in my apron pocket for the money to pay for the Kleenex. The cow says, "A dollar forty nine...please..." and waits. I put the money on the counter with vengeance because I know she will have a hard time scooping it into her hoof and wait for her to bag the Kleenex wondering if she will remember to ask "Paper or Plastic?" and thinking of awful retorts I can say when she does! She put the Kleenex in my apple green shopping bag (I'm flummoxed...did I bring that in with me?) and before I can grab it and run she deposits a pint of organic half and half into the bag as well. I gasp and lean back against the gum and candy bar display nearly toppling it. She smiles and explains brightly, "We are running a promotion on organic half and half today...that's why all the cashiers are cows!" I slide the apple green shopping bag off the counter and head to the car. My plans for despondency and trip to the abyss thwarted by an in-store special.