Last night I dreamt that I owned a cherry red 1961 Cadillac. The fins were so sharp that I often cut myself on them as I strolled past. I was wearing a black corset, a black corset skirt, black corset stockings, and black corset stiletto heels. Even my clutch had a little corset panel that I could cinch, when the need arose. I pulled up in front of a coffee house and peered through the window. There was a huge danish case at the front and there were all sorts of dangers displayed within. I opened the door and the bell attached to it jangled. Santa came out from the back room and laughed his signature "Ho, ho, ho!" as his belly shook. Then he said, "May I help you? No, wait! I remember what you said you wanted the last time you sat on my lap!" He produced a little box in Christmas wrap with a green and red bow. I took the package with some trepidation. I couldn't remember the last time I had sat on Santa's lap and I was really quite afraid that my tastes had changed since then. I sat at a little Parisian style cafe table and slowly began to open the festively wrapped package. Santa called over, "Here's your latte Little E!" I got up and realized I was now 7 years old. It felt pretty funny to be wearing a complete dominatrix outfit since I was now a little girl. I skipped over to the counter and said, "Santa! I can't drink coffee. I'm just a little girl again!" And Santa, looking just a tad miffed, said, "Fine!" with quite a bit of attitude, then he recovered his jocularity and went on..."Fine, fine, fine. I'll drink this and we'll get you a little cocoa!" He turned his back to me and I saw him take out a flask and pour something into what was now his latte. He started to heat some milk on the stove for the cocoa and I said nervously, "Um...Santa...would it be alright if I just had hot milk? I really don't like cocoa very much." His back tensed and I grew frightened. Just as he was about to whirl around and I'm sure smack me in the head, a series of elves came into the cafe from the back room. They were singing and laughing and slapping each other's backs and generally exuding fun and lightheartedness. They stopped in their tracks when they saw the tableau in front of them. The first elf exploded with a "Hey ho, SANTA!!!! How's it hangin' Bossman?!?!" The other elves, taking their cue from the first, scurried over to Santa and began to pepper him with questions and comments. Distracted Santa deflated, his anger forgotten. The first elf came over to me, he was now a miniature Brad Pitt and I had turned into Cinderella. He said, "Hey, Little E! Are you okay?" And I said, "I really didn't like Inglorious Basterds but you were awesome in Thelma and Louise...funny, you were kind of a bastard in Thelma and Louise and..." He said, "Hey, hey, hey...Let's not go down that road!" as he placed his hand gently on my lips. Then he gave me an Indian rope burn on my arm and ran away. I was rubbing my arm with tears in my eyes (it hurt that much!) when I noticed the unopened present on the table. I went over to it and opened it. Inside was a snow globe. Inside the globe was my 1961 Cadillac with a little tiny grown up me at the wheel. I had a doughnut in one hand and a little latte in the other and a black scarf around my head to protect my bouffant from the wind. The scarf fluttered engagingly behind me. I was smiling and The Slits were playing on the radio. I turned the snow globe over and back and the snow wafted through the air and settled gently on me and the car. I was enthralled. I thought, "Wow! I asked Santa for this the last time I sat on his lap. Amazing!" I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror behind the display case. I wasn't Cinderella anymore. I wasn't 7. I wasn't in a dominatrix outfit. Instead I was in a pair of white underpants and my old Microsoft T-shirt. The one that really should be thrown out but will never be because it keeps getting more and more comfortable the more it disintegrates around me. And I thought, "That's it!" The elves, my bouffant, the pastries, Brad Pitt, the Slits, the snow globe, the red and green bow, the caddy, the corsets, Santa, the t-shirt, even the hot milk! That's it!"
And then I woke up.
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