Last night's dream 9/29/09

Last night I dreamt that I was watching Lawrence Welk on TV. I was wearing a very loud floral mu mu and fashion pumps. I was drinking a really nice rich delicious coffee milkshake from Coldstone Creamery and I had on big thick reading glasses. Rosebud and Nigel were both up in my ample lap. I glanced over at the clock it was 7:23 pm. Under the clock was the calendar it was 2059. I was 98 years old! I went and looked in the fridge it was packed with tapioca pudding, whipping cream, creme brulee, steaks, butter, sausage, bacon, and club soda. I opened the freezer...lots of meat, shrimp, lobster, puff pastry, and lemon-aide. In the cupboards, several varieties of pasta, Little Schoolboy cookies, butter cookies, a few cans of tuna and then the rest of the cupboards were filled with cat food. I thought, "Wow...that retirement fund I was so worried about running out...I guess it didn't!" I crumbled up some fresh baked chocolate chip cookies in a bowl, poured organic whipping cream in and grabbed a spoon. As I settled in to my rocker and grabbed the remote I thought, "Damn! Life is GOOD!"

Last night's dream 9/28/09

Last night I dreamt that there was a terrible plague and nearly everyone was sick. Those of us that weren't were playing a festive game of progressive rummy in a high school stadium. The bleachers were filled with sick people who needed something to occupy the time before they keeled over.

Last night's dream 9/27/09

Last night I dreamt that I was at the movies. It was a "chick flick" and I was wondering what I was doing there since my tastes tend toward "indie" films. Nigel and Rosebud stroll in. Both are walking upright and both have a ultra bucket of popcorn and a giant mega super gulp drink. How they hold on to these in their little monkey paws is beyond me, but they manage. Each takes a seat on either side of me. Rosebud pushes her big tub of popcorn into my lap but gives me the hairy eyeball look to let me know that I shouldn't even consider digging in and puts her giant mega super gulp drink into the cup holder. Then she proceeds to shred the back of her seat with her razor sharp claws. "I just clipped you yesterday!" I hiss. "They grow fast...when I want them to..." she replies nonchalantly. Nigel reaches the end of his drink cup and continues to suck through his straw in case he's missed a molecule of soda. People in the theater start to "tsk" and murmur and I quickly pinch the straw to shut off his air supply to the bottom of the cup. "Ooohhhhkaaaayyyyy Nige. Good boy!" I whisper. He completely ignores me and sticks his face into his popcorn and routs around. Rosebud sniffs her popcorn tub and then just holds it in her lap looking despondent. The big scene where the "boy gets the girl" comes on and Nigel freezes. He watches raptly and hangs on every cloyingly sweet word. Rosebud looks up at the ceiling and sighs and puts her bucket down and claws the arm chair a couple of times then curls up and falls asleep. Nigel tugs at my sleeve and whispers, "Will that be me someday Mom? Will I meet that special someone who will compete me?" "Um...you mean complete you honey...well, the reality of it is, son, that no one really needs another person to 'complete' themselves you see...." but Nigel shushes me and points at the screen with his little paw. Now the "girl" is dying and the "boy" is heartbroken and there are tears gushing everywhere and I look over and Nigel has tears streaming down his face and he looks at me confused and scared. "But Mom! They just met and fell in love! What's going on?!?" he asks me. "Honey, it's just a mov..." but he bursts into tears and crawls into my lap and I don't know what to do. He begins to suckle the inside of my elbow and I let him. Other moviegoers start to complain about his loud piglike suckling sounds so I get up and whisper to Rosebud that we are going to the lobby. Rosebud is sacked out on her chair but gives me the honor of opening one eye, slightly, to show that she's heard me. Out in the lobby Nigel gets distracted by...everything...finally, after scratching, pushing, tugging, nuzzling, and pawing at every item in the lobby he comes back over and sits down next to me. "Mom...I want to find my 'Mr. Right'." He informs me, then continues, "How will I ever find him if I can't leave the house except when I'm with you and Rosebud? How will I ever figure out good pick up lines? How will I experiment and explore my sexuality if you and Rosebud are always there? I will never be able to get 'jiggy with it'..." and he bursts into tears again.

Last night's dream 9/24/09

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud, Nigel and I went to the roller rink. Nigel had on a pink tutu and pink roller skates with laces that lit up. He had on a little sleeveless vest and on the back it said "Jersey Girl". Rosebud had on black roller blades with chains and nail heads and other tough looking accoutrement. I had on torn jeans and a sports bra, matching Jersey Girl sleeveless vest (I had to. Nigel begged me and when I tried to explain that I thought it was "sissy" clothes his puzzled little face broke my heart and I put the dang thing on.). Rosebud was supposed to be wearing one too, at Nigel's request, but she balled it up and stuffed it between the seats of the car and told Nigel that aliens had stolen it. He was super impressed! So, we are at the roller rink and Rosebud starts playing roller derby and knocking over anyone who stands in her way, which tended to be me and Nigel. After I had been knocked down three times by my darling girl and was beginning to develop bruises I decided to put an end to it. "Rosb..." I began as she flew past me. "Rosebu..." I got out on the next pass. "ROSEBUD!" I yelped as she grabbed Nigel's arm and shouted, "Whip me Sissy Boy, Whip me!" "MOOOOOMMMMMMM!" Nigel yelled not knowing what a whip or a sissy boy was. I skated over as fast as I could and scooped Rosebud up. As tough a derby queen as she is you'd think something as simple as being held would be blase for her. Oh no. Not so. Somewhere in her past lurks a dark secret of some awful offense associated with being held. The nails dig in, she squirms as if she's being tazered, she wails like a...well, I don't know...I've never seen wailing like Rosebud's. "It's okay, it's okay..." I try to soothe her. She digs the nails into the flesh of my unprotected shoulder a little more. "Rosebud...it's okay....really...I just think we need to take a little break..." I skate over to the edge of the rink as quickly as I can and set her down on the carpeted area outside the rink. She immediately starts to sharpen her claws and looks at me highly insulted. I open a can of wet food and scoop it into their bowls and place them near the cats. Nigel digs in snorting like a pig. Rosebud sniffs and starts to slink away but then she sniffs again and actually decides to grace us with a little eating. Five minutes later she throws up all over the carpeted floor. I take off the Jersey Girl vest and clean it up while the roller rink owner glares at me and my inter species offspring. "ROOOLLLLEEERRRRRR COOOOMMMMPPPPEEEETTTIITTTIIIIOOOONNNNNNN!" announces a voice over the loud speaker. Nigel and Rosebud leap up and Rosebud says, "You remember the routine, right Nigel?" and Nigel shakes his head vigorously then whispers to me, "What does "routine" mean, Mom?" before Rosebud grabs his paw and the two of them head out to the floor. A popular Lady GaGa song begins to play and Rosebud and Nigel perform an awesome skate/dance that includes leaping, spinning, wrestling and licking each others butts. The crowd goes wild! The two of them win the big trophy and $500.

Last night's dream 9/23/09

Last night I dreamt I was trying on bikinis. It was a very depressing experience. The festive vodka drink I had in the dressing room with me did not help. I felt anything but festive. Nigel kept snickering behind his paw and saying things like, "Cellinite" and "Mom's a chubba bubba" and "Hefty". Rosebud kept mewling pathetically like she was being tortured instead of required to sit quietly in a dressing room for 30 minutes. The changing room clerk kept cruising by asking, "Is everything all right in there?"
"Yes, yes, everything is fine!" I would reply cheerily. "Is EVERYTHING all RIGHT in there?" "Yes, YES, YES! Everything is fine!" "Ma'am! Is EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT IN THERE, REALLY???" "YES! DAMN IT, YES! EVERYTHING IS FINE AND DANDY! MY DAUGHTER IS JUST A DRAMA QUEEN, THAT'S ALL! OH! AND MY SON THINKS MY THIGHS ARE A RIOT!!!! OTHER THAN THAT, WE ARE DANDY IN HERE!!! HOW ABOUT YOU? YOU DANDY?!?!?" The last question asked menacingly. "Ye...yes...I...I'm good!" she replied and scurried back to the safety of her little number cards and reject rack. I tried on the last bathing suit and I don't know what it was...the color, the cut...but it fit incredibly well and made me look...well, fabulous. "Vavoom, Mom!" Nigel exclaimed. "Looks....okay...I guess..." Rosebud allowed. "Can we go noooowwwwwwwww?" she howled just to be Rosebudish. I looked at the price tag. There was a red clearance tag on the bathing suit and the price said "FREE". I put my festive vodka drink in my purse and strolled out in the bathing suit showing the "FREE" tag to all the employees. They took pictures on their cell phones because I suddenly looked so lovely! My bruised ego was resuscitated. I felt great! I walked outside the store. It was snowing.

Last night's dream 9/19/09

Last night I dreamt that I was in a full body cast. Lying in bed. Nothing much happening. Lots of places itched. Couldn't scratch. Something in left eye. Just had to live with it. Dropped the TV remote. Watched "snow" for several hours.

Last night's dream 9/18/09

Last night I dreamt that I Rosebud and Nigel and I went to the mall. Rosebud begged, pleaded, threatened to inappropriately urinate if she didn't get a new sweater (although she refuses to wear clothes) and Nigel wanted a toy. Which meant a trip to the drug store because Nigel only associates Q-tips (with the tips removed) as "toys". They were walking beside me, one on either side, and they were walking on their hind legs. Rosebud had on an MP3 player and was listening to "Hits of the 80's". I knew because she was playing it loud enough that I could hear it walking beside her. "I can hear that music, you know..." I started. "Mom..." she began. "Rosebud, listen..." I continued. "Call Me...on the line...call me, call me, any, anytime..." Rosebud responded. "Rosebud!" I cursed. "Can't Touch This.do, do, dodo, do, do , dodo..can't touch this." Rosebud intoned. "Fenway Rambling Rose!" I said through gritted teeth. That got Nigel's attention. "Oooohhhh, Somebodies in trouble now!" he singsonged delightedly. "Take on me! Take me ooooonnnnn! Take on me!" Rosebud hummed away as if I wasn't turning purple. "Rose..." I sighed and began again. Rosebud slowly reached up and turned down her MP3 player so that now I could only hear mumblings of songs and not the exact words. This time I rolled MY eyes. Nigel saw the Rite Aid sign and got extremely excited, bouncing around, running a few feet ahead and then back again. When we got to the Q-tip aisle he was practically in tears. I pulled down a box of the generic tips and Nigel's face fell. His lower lip started to quiver and he looked at me hurt and puzzled. "Oh for crying out loud..." I sighed under my breath and put the generic back and reached for the blue Q-tip brand box. Nigel's face lit up and that's all I needed to see. My heart melted and I grabbed a second box which sent Nigel into euphoric spins in the middle of the aisle. Rosebud meanwhile had moved on to "Best Opera Aria's". I knew this because the volume had once again been adjusted. I gave her "the look" and the volume went back down. "Okay, sweaters!" I said enthusiastically. "No." Rosebud said. "What?!?..." I began but one look at her majesty's face told me that we were done shopping and it was time to go. "The opera put me in a pensive frame of mind. I need to go home and ponder tragedies." Rosebud shared. So we went home and laid on the bed together, the three of us, pondering tragedies.

Last night's dream 9/17/09

Last night I dreamt that I was at a cocktail party and I looked fabulous but every time I looked in a mirror I was in fishing gear. I would look down at my outfit and see that I had on a lovely black silk velvet cocktail dress with rhinestone accents and fabulous black satin vintage Ferragamo pumps with a coy little black bag that just fit my lipstick and license. I had tender little diamonds in my ears and a strand of luscious pearls around my neck. My nails were this gorgeous maroony red as were my lips. I could tell from examining the lipstick tube. But when I would glance in a mirror, or even the reflection from a window or a glass, I was decked out in fishing gear. I had on big old waders in festive olive green and a plaid shirt and one of those sloppy fishing hats with the flies attached higgledy piggledy around the edges. Instead of my coy little black bag I had one of those big picnic baskety bags that, I don't even know, do you keep the fish in there?!?! And I had one of those big nets too. I'd look down, elegant attire, I'd look at my reflection, "The River Runs Through It". And every time I had a cocktail it would be a cocktail until I looked in the mirror and then it would be a trout. Rainbow. Still flipping around. Martini, trout, martini, trout. My friend walked up to me and said, "There's something different about you tonight...I can't quite put my finger on it..." "Is it the trout?" I whispered hoarsely. She laughed and said, "You'll ruin those shoes in the river Styx!" I didn't like how this was headed so I ordered another trout and gulped it down but it did no good. I still looked like an extra from "On Golden Pond" when I peeped at my reflection. Finally I couldn't take it any more. "I'm going home." I told my friend. "Don't forget this!" She said and handed me an umbrella. In the mirror the umbrella was a big fishing pole, one of those whippy kind that is used for I don't know what kind of fishing but I know it is a special pole. "Great. Yeah. Wouldn't want to forget this baby..." I mumbled and headed out the door. Outside I stepped directly into a river. A passing stork called out, "You know if you catch the RIGHT one you'll have peace of mind..." and it flew away. I looked down to see thousands of salmon in their berserk attempt to swim upstream. I threw my fetching little purse up on the bank of the river, hiked up my dress and started grabbing. Each fish I caught would turn into an appetizer. "Do I eat it? Do I save them up on the bank? Do I put them in the baskety bag thingie?" I pondered. My peace of mind depended on doing the right thing. But I had no idea what the right thing was. The bar door opened and my Mom came out. She was also in fishing gear. She came into the river with me, gave me a kiss, and said, "Watch how I do it honey. Then we'll catch the right one for you." I burst into tears.

Last night's dream 9/16/09

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud and Nigel had gotten themselves arrested. They were shoplifting and got caught. I thought it must surely be for some wet food or maybe in Nigel's case a box of Q-tips (his favorite toy once the cotton ends are removed) but no. It was Prada. Rosebud had fallen for a purse and Nigel was going for a leather billfold. It took forever to get into the interrogation room because of course we are not related by blood and since Rosebud was from a shelter there was some question about who she belonged to legally. I sputtered and spouted, "Rosebud doesn't BELONG to anyone!" Then I tried to explain the commitment ceremony that Rosebud, Nigel and I had a few months back. The police didn't want to hear about it. "that's not legal in California..." one officer informed me. Finally, Kyra Sedgwick comes into the room and says, "Who's this?" and the police and I all try to explain at the same time. Kyra says, "The Mother?!?! You're stopping the Mother from going back there?!?!?" But I know it's a Kyra ploy...I've watched too many episodes. When I get back to the interrogation room there is Kyra again with her big purse and there are Rosebud (naked) and Nigel (in a Ralph Lauren polo shirt) with their attorney. "How...what...an attorney?!?! Where...?!?!" I cant' even form a sentence. "Pro Bones." says Nigel conspiratorially. "He's got us pro bones Mom." he tells me very excitedly. "Bono." Rosebud rolls her eyes and corrects. "Sonny?" Nigel asks, having watched more than his share of early 70's TV shows. Rosebud nearly breaks her eyeballs she rolls them so far back in her head. Then she starts to sharpen her nails on the back of one of the interrogation room chairs. "Well, I see you already HAVE an attorney..." Kyra begins. I break in..."What a minute!" Kyra breaks in, "NO! YOU WAIT A MINUTE!" and when I stop she says, "Thank you. Thank you very much...I'd like to hear from Rosebud." Rosebud rolls her eyes and says, "Meow." Kyra gets a little cranked at that and I have to smirk thinking, "Welcome to my world. I look forward to seeing you "close" on Rosebud!" Kyra says, "Well, that's fine Rosebud. You have an attorney and so let me tell YOU the story...." and she launches into this huge compelling story about the body and the murder weapon and where the body was found and the means and the motive until I say, "This is about a Prada abduction! Prada!" Kyra stops cold and looks on the table at the gorgeous Prada bag (bigger than Rosebud herself so how she got it out of the store is beyond me) and the billfold laying on the table. Kyra looks at her own bag on the floor then back at the Prada bag then back at her own sorry bag then back at the Prada. She starts to get upset. I say, "How's Kitty, Kyra?" and she shoots me a hairy eyeball look. I say, "You know, we're going to waive our right to an attorney and since it's a first offense and all, we're just going to..." and I start to gather up Nigel and Rosebud and head for the door. Rosebud looks back at the Prada bag and begins to squirm and I whisper, "Please, please, please my little ANGEL please let's get the hell out of here. I will look for one for you on Ebay I PROMISE." Rosebud rolls her eyes and sinks her claws into my back so that she is CERTAIN that I will not drop her as we head out of the room. Kyra shouts down the hall after us, "This bag will have to be kept INDEFINITELY as evidence!" I look over at Nigel to see that he's carrying the Prada billfold in his paws. I say, "Oh no! Nigel!" But he says, "It's okay Mom. The billfold was a FREE gift with the bag...we only shoplifted the bag...the billfold was FREE." Rosebud rolls her...

Last night's dream 9/15/09

Last night I dreamt that I was walking along the edge of the surf at the ocean. The sun was just rising and it was one of those magical moments when the air is shimmery and it's so quiet that you can hear your breath in your own ears. I was wearing a white sleeveless cotton slip, like a tee-shirt. It came to about my knees. I wasn't wearing shoes but I was carrying a pair in each hand. In one hand a pair of Fleuvog's. They were pink with black trim. They were very girlie girl. The other pair: Cydwoq's. Black leather with a fetching clever little heel. They were girlie girl too. And I thought, "I'm such a girlie girl now...when did that happen?" Then I walked up to a beach blanket. On the beach blanket was my plastic tub I use as my toolbox. Jesus was sitting on the blanket methodically labeling all my tools. He said, "I want you to quit calling this a thingie. It's a socket wrench. You have good tools you need to show them some respect and call them their proper names." I made my "I'm ashamed" face but inside I had on my "I'm annoyed" face. "Tools are like shoes..." Jesus explained. "They get you were you need to go." Then I really did have on my "I'm ashamed" face. "Let's go hang pictures and build tables." He suggested. He closed the toolbox and waited for me to pick it up. I had to hold both shoes in one hand to do it but I managed. We walked up the beach and my house was there and we went inside and there was a stack of wood. Jesus turned to me and said, "Instead of buying pair after pair why don't we build you some shoes?"

Last night's dream 9/14/09

Last night I dreamt that I was making spaghetti and mmm, mmm, mmm did it smell good! I had on a cocktail outfit with my apron with the cats all over it over the dress. I had on these fabulous Prada pumps (which I really wish I owned in real life because they were not just fabulous they were FABULOUS. Sigh.) I had on big gloves and was waiting for the water to boil for the pasta while I was simmering the sauce. I tidied the kitchen while I waited and then I started staring at the water. "A watched pot never boils..." I thought as I continued to stare at the water. I stared and stared. I turned the heat up to the highest level and stared some more. I saw a pop on the surface of the water. "Ah hah!" I shouted scaring the cats. But no other activity occurred in the water. I saw a speck on the surface of the water and got out my magnifying glass. I looked through it to find a small speedboat with a very tiny woman skiing behind it. She was decked out in a pink 1960's one piece and a matching swim cap. She laughed and waved at me as the small speedboat cruised across the water in the pot. I turned off the flame under the pot, got out another pot and filled it with water. I set it on another burner and lit the flame. I peered into the pot waiting for the water to boil.

Last night's dream 9/13/09

I dreamt I was country western dancing. I was being spun around the dance floor like a top. Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash were singing on a stage in front of the dancers. Not the old JC and JCC but what they were like in their heyday. June was getting all riled up and Johnny was beaming at her. Then suddenly it was Billy Idol up there but it was still June's voice belting out song after song. Billy was wearing my favorite cocktail dress and as I was twirled in front of the stage I kept trying to look at the seams to see if he was stretching them out. He looked pretty good in that dress. I had on a scuba diving suit and was getting pretty sweaty with all the twirling, twirling, twirling but I didn't want to stop. My partner was soooo good at leading and I didn't even need to count, "slow, slow, quickquick...slow, slow, quickquick..." I was just dancing. Floating around the floor. Twirling like one of those little ballerinas in the jewelry boxes. I had on Chie Mihara heels with the wetsuit and when I realized this I felt pretty stupid..."What must I have been thinking to pair these two together?!?!?" I thought and I really hoped no one would notice the outfit. "I try so hard to wear nice color coordinated fetching little outfits and tonight I come up with this?!?!?" I thought and then I stumbled and realized I needed to quit thinking about my attire and just concentrate on enjoying the dance. By now I was really sweating under the wetsuit so when the song ended I excused myself and stepped outside. In the parking lot was my friend's swimming pool from their backyard in Palm Springs. It's a salt water pool and I took off the Chie Mihara's, removed a lipstick from my bosom and dove in. The water was a brilliant blue green and there were lights all along the side of the pool. When I broke the surface there was a mermaid in front of me, inches from my face. She startled me so I shrieked like a little school girl. This made her laugh. Then she turned around and I crawled onto her back and she motorboated me around the pool. After that we played Marco Polo for about 20 minutes. Then she said, "You'd better get back to the dance floor...they're about to play your favorite song!" And she disappeared under the water. I got out of the water and beside a plush towel was a gorgeous Vera Wang cocktail dress and my Chie Mihara heels. I toweled off and put on the fabulous dress and shoes, swiped a little lipstick across my lips and headed back inside the country bar. The disco ball was spinning and the whole dance floor looked magical. In the middle of the floor stood my dance partner. I walked over and got into dance position. On the stage was an old folksy jug band with a guy on washboard and a guy on saw, and one of those twangy mouth harp thingies. They started playing and it was "You Can't Touch This" by M.C. Hammer. My partner said, "Oh, a waltz! Crap. I can't handle this..." and walked off the dance floor. I looked down and under the Wang dress I now had on the big Hammer pants. Suddenly the dance floor was filled with dancers and we all proceeded to do the steps to the "You Can't Touch This" song. I thought, "Well, it's great I know the steps and have on the pants and everything...but that mermaid was wrong...this is not my favorite song."

Last night's dream 9/12/09

Last night I dreamt that I was riding on a scooter and fell down a big hill. I tumbled over and over and finally came to rest at the bottom. I laid there for a little while trying to collect my thoughts and gingerly moving arms and legs to make sure nothing was broken. As I was patting myself to check my general condition I felt what I thought was a smallish ping pong ball resting on my chest. On closer inspection it turned out to be my eyeball! I thought, "Oh great! Dating is going to be a bitch now! Where does one get an eye patch and do they come in Hawaiian patterns? Can I have them made to order so that I can get them in fabrics to match my cocktail dresses? Or maybe ones that would match a purse and shoes? I wonder if they have any stick-on ones so that my hair doesn't get mussed by the band?" Suddenly I was a little excited about accessorizing and not too upset about the loss of the eye. Which seemed quite shallow to me and I was disturbed. I sat up and absentmindedly tossed the eye up and down in my hand, pondering my obsession with style. That led me to review my collection of cocktail dresses and shoes and then I started thinking about a pair of shoes that my Mom accidentally put in a yard sale back in the 80's that I had wanted to keep. They were a pair of cream platforms with multi-colored flowers embroidered on them and red laces. They really didn't fit me well and I was flummoxed by my regret at not having them anymore. "I mean really, I would probably have sold them myself by now." I was still tossing my eyeball up and down and pondering my general belief system or lack thereof when a naked woman on an elephant rode up. The elephant squatted down low so the woman could disembark. She strolled over to me and as I tossed the eyeball she caught it in mid-air, tilted my head back and slammed the eyeball back into place. Then she kissed my forehead and got back on her elephant and rode away. I looked around, testing my eye and when I found it was good got up, retrieved my scooter, and rode away.

Last night's dream 9/11/09

Last night I dreamt I was a pirate on a big old pirate ship! I had a wooden leg and a patch over one eye. On my shoulder I had a cat instead of a parrot. I went around going, "Argh! Mumble, mumble..." and I'd stride around the deck with my hands on my hips. I was thinking, "What the hell?!?!? I don't know nothin' about swabbing a deck or hoisting a sail...Will the crew KNOW?!?!" I was all in a panic inside but outside I was confident and even a little scary. I had on a whole "Dr. Hook" outfit with the frilly shirt and the vest and the pantaloons and high boots. For a good long while I walked around saying, "Pantaloons..." under my breath.
"Pantaloons...pantaloons...panta....LOONS..."
One of the crew came up to me and said, "Captain! We've spotted a ship to the East!" then he kind of cowered away from me. Obviously in the past this news brought me displeasure so I decided I'd better stick with the past and I roared, "A SHIP TO THE EAST!?!?" then I swore a lot and swung my arms around alarmingly. The mates all shrunk back away from me and I hoped everyone was convinced that I was in control. "Should we prepare the cannons?" One of the mates asked. "What is this our MAIDEN voyage?!?!" I growled. "Do your JOBS you scurvy...." and then I couldn't think of a good word and I panicked again and stormed off going, "BAH! Bunch of silly....BAH!" and I retreated to my quarters so that I could recover and figure out what to do next. It wasn't long before there was a banging on my door, "We're ready for your orders to fire, Captain!" came a voice from the other side of the door. I rolled my eyes and went out to see if there was any way I could avoid mayhem. It was pretty apparent from the looks of the other ship and the looks of my crew and the whole atmosphere that mayhem was not to be avoided. "She's loaded with gold!" said one crew member in a theatrical whisper. And another one added, "And Prada shoes. Size 6!" That's all this little captain needed to hear..."What are we waiting for boys?!?!?" I roared enthusiastically, "Take the ship! The gold is all yours mates. Just bring me those shoes!!!"

Last night's dream 9/9/09

Last night I dreamt I was on a date with a chicken. It was a blind date and I was miffed at my friend who had arranged it. "Here I am all gussied up and for what?!?! A chicken!" I thought heatedly. The chicken was nice enough but where was the intense conversation about spirituality, societal norms, cultural oddities, or even gossip about the latest movie or intriguing book or TV show? No. The chicken was pretty limited. The chicken clucked a bit but other than that was fairly unengaged. "What kind of a date is this?!?!" I thought near tears. "OK, calm down.." I told myself. "Maybe the chicken is shy." So I went out of my way to ask about siblings and hobbies and what have you. But all's I got was more clucking. We went to dinner at a pretty nice restaurant but I had to order vegetarian which didn't make me too happy but I felt I had no choice. The chicken order cornmeal. We didn't talk much. I kept focusing on my salad and counting the number of chews per bite. I didn't even get to look at a dessert menu before the chicken had whipped out a tiny wallet and plopped down a credit card on top of the bill. We sat looking at each other over after dinner coffee. Finally I couldn't resist. "So, why DID the chicken cross the road?" I asked innocently.

Last night's dream 9/8/09

Last night I dreamt I was a fairy and I lived in a toadstool. It was so cozy! There was a little fireplace in the corner and a little tiny bear rug in front of it. There was a little tiny wooden table that I have obviously made and on the table a little tiny bowl of tiny fruit. Unfortunately, as usual, I hadn't eaten the fruit fast enough and there was a swarm of really, really tiny fruit flies around the bowl. I tsk`ed disgustedly and got out a little teeny tiny biodegradable garbage bag and threw the spoiled fruit in the bag leaving it open for a moment so that the swarm of really, really tiny fruit flies could follow the fruit into the bag. I reasoned that the bag would biodegrade before the flies would die. I was after all a fairy and cherished life in all it's forms, even annoying fruit flies. I shucked off my tiny fairy boots....oh! They were so dang cute! They had a curved toe area and...well, they were adorable fairy boots, picture them for yourselves...I shucked off my tiny fairy boots and crossed the wooden floor in my striped fairy socks. I decided to do my workout DVD so I went over to the tiny plasma TV and put the DVD in the player. While it was loading I took off my fairy dress...it was coated with THE BEST sequins! and got into my fairy workout clothes. Due to the generous endowment of my rack I had to wear two fairy sports bras for optimal support of my fairy breasts. The instructor was ready to begin and so was I. I did the warm up and then rolled my eyes because the next part was push ups and I really felt that as a fairy push ups were unnecessary and I worried that I would become too muscley and not be fairy enough. With this on my mind I kind of "phoned in" the push ups but when it came to the sit up section I was right there giving it 110%! And with my abs there was no question that 110 was the LEAST I should offer. Now when it came to the jumping jack section there was always a problem. I tended to start to fly. I couldn't help it! I'd do a jack and the next thing I knew I'd be clocking my head against the ceiling. I'd set myself back down but within a jack or two I'd be right back up there again. This was a dilemma. So I mentioned it at my fairy support group and after they all looked at me like I was a human or something one of them asked if I couldn't tether myself to some large (well, in the fairy world that would really be tiny) piece of furniture. Problem solved! Except that I had to tether myself super fast so that I wouldn't fall behind in the DVD program. But that was okay because doing it fast kept my heart rate up so all in all it was a win/win. We fairies like win/win and myself, in particular, I like win/win a lot. I really don't like lose/lose and if it's lose/win I better be on the back half of that /. Anyway, after I finished my workout I felt very righteous so I made myself a HUGE (well, again in the fairy world it was really quite tiny) coffee ice cream shake! Mmmmmm. That took care of dinner. I realized I hadn't fed the cats and I called out, "Kitty! Kitty! Kitty!" and two dust mites came running gangbusters into the room and straight to the food bowls. In fairy terms the dust mites were just about the size of normal human cats so it wasn't as disgusting as it sounds. I petted each of them and put down a heaping (in fairy terms barely the size of a pinhead) helping of organic wet food for them. The female dust mite sniffed the food and strolled away unimpressed. I called after her, "That crap is over a buck a can girlie!" The male dust mite wolfed it down as if he hadn't eaten...ever. That taken care of I threw on my fairy sandals and went out to the mailbox. Bills, bills, and a Netflix DVD. Back in the house I popped the DVD in and settled in to watch "America's Next Top Fairy, Cycle 13".

Last night's dream 9/6/09

Last night I dreamt I was getting ready for a date. I have many fabulous dresses but each one I tried on had an issue. It was too small. It was too big. It was ripped. It was stained. It was a bad color on me. It wasn't flattering. It was too slutty. It was too conservative. The pattern was too bold. The pattern was too subtle. It was the wrong season for it. I didn't have shoes to go with it. It made me look old. The style was too youthful. It was too short. It was too long. I felt funny in it. I left dresses and moved on to skirts. First I tried on a big Southern Belle hoop skirt and I thought, "Well, how will I get into a restaurant booth in this thing?!?!" Then I tried on a grass skirt, too casual. Then I tried on a leather skirt, too S&M. Then I tried on a Catholic Girl's school skirt, too "getting my freak on". Then I tried on a white skirt, too risky, there would be food involved. Suddenly that was the end of the skirts and I thought, "Well, that's not right! I KNOW I have over 40 skirts..." So I dug around in the closet some more but couldn't find any other skirts. My closet was filled with travel brochures for the Ukraine. I flipped one open and then another and another. The women in the brochures were all wearing these amazing dresses and skirts! I couldn't get over the fabulous "looks" the models had. "Well, that's it!" I declared to the cats, "I'm going to the Ukraine!" I still didn't have a skirt for my date that night so I headed to the toolbox, like I always do in a pinch. I pulled out the duct tape and got ready for my date.

Last night's dream 9/5/09

Last night I dreamt that I went to a parade and at the end of the parade I realized I had to hike through a forest to get home. The sun was about to set and I just knew that there was no way I was going to make it all the way through the forest before it got dark. I was angry and embarrassed. I had on a tank top and shorts and sneakers. I worried about mosquitoes and also just the general vulnerability of the outfit in the woods in the dark. I had to tinkle too and most of the shops were closed. I figured I could tinkle in the woods but that didn't really appeal to me, not that I am not a rugged individual...but I am not a rugged individual...as much as I'd like to classify myself as one. I had no hat, nothing to cover my legs or arms, no bug repellent, no flashlight. I walk past a house and this woman motions me over. "It's your house." she says. I go inside and am so relieved that I don't have to walk through the woods although I think, "Wait a minute, this isn't Bisbee..." Once inside I am astonished by the filth! The kitchen is very strange with appliances in the middle of the room and every surface is sticky and dusty. I glance over at the refrigerator just in time to see a black widow spider crawl up under it. I look over and four more spiders are in the middle of the floor by a torn piece of paper. They are swarming the paper. I yell for help and my ex appears and he starts stomping on the spiders and I am calling over to him, "They are not all black widows! One is a tarantula!" and I'm hoping that he becomes less zealous and doesn't kill the tarantula because they are one of those "good" spiders. "Why didn't I just "man up" and take care of them myself?" I think. "Why did I have to yell for back up?" I wonder. "I didn't "man up" because there were four freakin' spiders! One being a huge freakin' tarantula! That's why I didn't "man up"..." The ex and the bugs disappear and I let out a huge sigh of relief at THAT. I turn back to the counters and start looking for some cleaning supplies because everything is really, like, disgustingly dirty. Like heebie jeebie dirty. I realize there is no sink in the kitchen. I tsk and sigh and go looking for a sink and find it in the living room next to the bird feeder. I find a bucket under the sink and start to fill it with water that comes out of the faucet Caribbean blue. I am thankful for this bit of brightness. I suddenly realize everything else is monochrome or extremely muted. Reds are maroon at best, blues are the darkest indigo, mostly it's gray and murky beige. I get the festive water in the bucket and go back into the kitchen. I find these huge sponges inside the refrigerator and some natural, good for the environment, cleaner on the table of the restaurant booth that is jammed in the corner. I begin to clean off every surface in the kitchen. It's hard work and I am sweating by the time I finish. I go around the kitchen touching all the surfaces to verify that they are free from any stickiness or residue. Then I remember I have to tinkle and I go looking for the bathroom. I find it and get myself situated and the door flies open and someone comes in dressed in a red field outfit. "I found this in the closet, the old lady helped me and I can wear this on the walk across the forest back home!" says a muffled voice through a filter in a face plate attached to a helmet. "Uh...a little PRIVACY PLEASE!" I say and motion for the red being to leave. They stay. They continue to discuss the many attributes of the red outfit while I try to do my business but I can't. After several more, "Would you just wait outside!" and "Do you MIND?!?!?" the red being steps outside with a muffled, "I'll wait right outside the door!" I still can't do anything. The moment has passed and I am uncomfortable and confused. I go outside. I ask the red being, "Well, is there another red suit for me?" The red being starts and replies, "Well, no. There's just the one suit and it fits me. It won't fit you. I mean...it would be huge on you." And I reply with frustration, "Well, are there at least long pants somewhere here for me?" and the red being points to another room and on the floor are a pair of men's khaki pants. I put them on and they are like a 44 inch waist and come up under my armpits. I start looking around for a way to secure them and realize I will have to hold them scrunched up against my body the entire walk back. I find one of those key ring flashlights. "That'll have to do..." I think even as I'm thinking, "This is INSANE!" I walk out and the old woman says, "I'm going home..." and she waits and I realize she's waiting for me and the red being to get out of the house so she can lock the doors. And I think, "I thought this was MY house..." and then it dawns on me..."Oh man! She said that so that I would clean her KITCHEN for her!" And I feel very taken advantage of and stupid for not realizing all of this much, much earlier. We all leave the house and I don't understand why but I am very thankful that it still seems to be about 4 o'clock and we'll have about 30 minutes or so before it gets dark in the woods. I turn on the little key ring flashlight and look at it's pathetic beam. I think, "Yeah, uh huh, and you should have grabbed a BUTTER KNIFE for defense too..." I look across the street at the forest and the path I'm supposed to take. The red being is already at the entrance waving to me to hurry up and follow and then they disappear down the path. I look around and in the distance I see a neon sign that makes me smile, a La Quinta!!! I hesitate for a moment to make sure I have a credit card on me and then I head down to the La Quinta. When I walk in my little Italian friend is behind the counter and she says, "El! Been waitin'. Rosebud and Nigel are in room 1313 and..." she looks behind her at the wall clock, "...it's just about time for festive alcoholic beverages on the patio!" Then she places a key on the counter and disappears through a door. I hear her voice say, "See you soon!" I run to 1313 and using the key fling the door open. On the bed are Rosebud and Nigel laying back against a pillow, each with one long lean leg sprawled out in front of them, the other tucked under their bodies. Rosebud has the clicker in her paw and they are watching AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL CYCLE 13. Rosebud says, "Hey Mom!" never taking her eyes off the screen and Nigel jumps up and runs over saying, "HI MOM! HI MOM! HI MOM!" and reaches for my inner elbow with his face so that he can suck my arm. I scoop him up and give him a hug. Then I head to the bathroom to finally tinkle.

Last night's dream 9/4/09

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud, Nigel, and I were escaping from the Nazi troops that had invaded Palm Springs. We were doing a kind of "Sound of Music" retreat across the desert. I was in the lead with a backpack full of cat food, their Drinkwell Platinum drinking fountain, their food bowls, a big bag of their Organix dry food, and a pair of underwear for myself. In my hands I carried a bag of "The World's Best Cat Litter" and a litter box. Rosebud was after me. She had on these ADORABLE hiking boots and nothing else. Nigel had on a pair of Dr. Marten's and a blue tutu. They were both walking upright in the dream. Both had on backpacks. Rosebud's was a Xena The Warrior backpack and it was full of tin foil balls. Nigel's was an Ironman backpack and it was full of Q-tip sticks with the fuzzy ends removed. We all had on matching Bolle sunglasses. After about three hours of walking the cats were pretty tired so I scooped them up and put them in the litter box with the bag of litter and we continued on our way. Nigel began to suckle the inside of my elbows and this time I didn't stop him, the kid had been through enough. I stopped to rest under a very small tree and I broke off a piece of cactus so we could all drink from it's sticky liquid. I glanced back over the horizon and saw soldiers coming our way. I threw down the cactus and grabbed the litter box jamming both cats into it unceremoniously. I ran as fast as I could my heart beating furiously my mind spinning! How had they found us so quickly? From the opposite direction I saw a puff of smoke that became a trail and then I saw the Hummer coming at me. It was loaded with nuns and I knew then that we would be okay.

Last night's dream 9/3/09

I dreamt I was making spaghetti for a film crew. Angelina Jolie came up to me and asked if I wanted to be adopted but when I told her I was an American she lost interest and strolled away. I noticed she was wearing these Chie Mihara shoes that I have always lusted after and regretted that I didn't tell her I was from a third world country because I thought, "If anyone can afford a BUNCH of Chie Mihara's it's Angelina...actually Chie Mihara's are probably slumming for Angelina..." and then I stirred the spaghetti again. Joni Mitchell came over and I didn't recognize her and she had to tell me she was Joni Mitchell and I felt embarrassed for both of us. I told her I liked her song "Luka" and then was really embarrassed because truthfully I liked it the first time or two I heard it and then I got bored with it pretty fast and would always change the station when it would come on. When I told her I liked it she kinda rolled her eyes like, "Is that all people can remember of my vast musical career?!??!" and I thought, "Man, it's too bad Joni didn't show up in someones dream that was a really big fan of hers..." Then I stirred the spaghetti again. Joni grabbed a salad and headed for her dressing room to eat in peace. Kate Blanchett walked up and I thought, "Oh my! Oh my! I am in LOVE with Kate Blanchett! She is so pale. She is translucent!" And I stirred the spaghetti really hard and tried to act cool but she just smiled at me, grabbed a yogurt and left. I opened a cabinet door to check see if my paleness came close to Kate's paleness but my paleness was more sallow and Kate's was more ethereal and I thought, "Well, yeah, she probably spends thousands of dollars on her skin care regime and I get whatever dregs I can at the TJ Maxx clearance table..." Meg Ryan comes up and is very nice to me and actually orders a plate of the spaghetti when it's ready. I can't help thinking, "Wow! I thought Angelina had big lips. Yikes! Her face is like two thirds lip..." then I feel bad because it's not her fault and I think she probably was just trying to look better and I think, "Aren't we all? Aren't we all?" And I think again about my TJ Maxx vitamin C night creme which I've started using about 20 years too late and that leads me to thinking about my retirement fund because that's another thing I started about 20 years too late. I give the spaghetti a vicious stir and then I calm down remember that it's just life and I am very lucky for the great life I have and I think about my babies and realize they are cats and how lucky is that?!?! Waaaayyyy lucky! By then the spaghetti was done and I pour this huge, huge vat of spaghetti into a huge colander and then onto this huge platter that frankly resembled a kiddie swimming pool from a discount super store and then I pour another huge, huge vat of spaghetti sauce on top with what must've been a thousand meatballs in it and I go over and ring one of those old triangles like in the old western movies and all of these extras and sound technicians and best boys and girls come running at me whooping and hollering. I step back and wipe my hands on my apron. Christoper Walken comes up to me and I have to hold the counter to keep from fainting because it's Christopher (f-ing) Walken! And he says, "You've done a good job here...with the pasta and the meatballs and all...I'm impressed. I like your style. You've got something kid." And I croak out a "Thank you Mr. Walken...sir." He strides over to the table doing a little pirouette at the last minute before grabbing a plate and digging into the spaghetti. I literally have to wipe a tear from my eye before grabbing the cookbook off the shelf and flipping through looking for tomorrow's lunch item.

Last night's dream 9/2/09

Last night I dreamt that I was at the grocery store and couldn't find the organic half and half. I traversed the store three times always thinking, "Oh, it must be down this aisle!" Only to find myself in the frozen pizzas or the olives. After the third time around I sat down on the floor and burst into tears. "Great!" I thought, "Just great! How in the hell am I supposed to have my coffee tomorrow morning without my organic half and half?!?!" I reached into my apron pocket for a Kleenex and could only find a pathetic ball of old tissue that had past it's usefulness. "Yeah, past it's usefulness...just like ME!" I sobbed to myself and headed down the Kleenex aisle, I grabbed a box off the shelf, tore the top off and proceeded to blatantly use unpurchased Kleenex to staunch the god-awful flow of sadness coming from my nose and eyes. I slid back down to the floor. "It's over..." I thought morosely. "All over...No organic half and half...no organic coffee for breakfast...no coffee...no energy...no energy...the litter box doesn't get cleaned...the litter box doesn't get cleaned Rosebud inappropriately urinates...Rosebud inappropriately urinates I fall into a deeper depression...I fall into a deeper depression I forget to bathe regularly...I forget to bathe regularly I start to smell...I start to smell people stop inviting me over for dinners and conversation...dinners and conversation stop and I am forced to rely on my 'self talk'....forced to rely on my 'self talk' I become more paranoid and start to question why the cats are looking at me 'that way'...i worry about the cat's looking at me 'that way'..." My worry spiral is interrupted by my inability to yank another Kleenex out of the box. I look down to find that there is something jammed into the box. I pull it out. It's a coupon for 1/2 off organic half and half. This brings a fresh outburst as I realize that not only is life futile and the Universe an uncaring blob but it toys with us. It makes fun of us in our weakest, most pathetic hour. "Not this time!" I roar (inside my head). I tear up the coupon furiously and jam it back into the Kleenex box. I stand up on my little shaky pathetic legs and put the Kleenex box in the cart. I go to the front of the store to pay for my Kleenex and go home for more sulking and possibly to whip up some cake mix which I will then eat, uncooked, like some evil soup of the devil which will make me quite nauseated and somehow that will make me feel justified for my poor behavior. When I get to the front of the store there is a cow behind the counter. I hold up the Kleenex box and say, "Just this..." The cow says, "That's been opened." I reach across, grab the cow by the throat and hiss, "Just the box of Kleenex which YES is opened because I was having a FIT and needed to do something about the huge amount of...and I hate this word and I hate you for making me say it you stupid COW...I needed something to catch the huge amount of SNOT (and here I cringe and involuntarily squirm and nearly gag) coming out of me! So...YES...it's opened. Ring me up." And I released the cow's throat and kind of set her back down near the cash register. She is visibly shaken. I start to feel bad but then I remember what a pathetic, incoherent mess I am about to be when I get home and so I brush off the guilt and dig in my apron pocket for the money to pay for the Kleenex. The cow says, "A dollar forty nine...please..." and waits. I put the money on the counter with vengeance because I know she will have a hard time scooping it into her hoof and wait for her to bag the Kleenex wondering if she will remember to ask "Paper or Plastic?" and thinking of awful retorts I can say when she does! She put the Kleenex in my apple green shopping bag (I'm flummoxed...did I bring that in with me?) and before I can grab it and run she deposits a pint of organic half and half into the bag as well. I gasp and lean back against the gum and candy bar display nearly toppling it. She smiles and explains brightly, "We are running a promotion on organic half and half today...that's why all the cashiers are cows!" I slide the apple green shopping bag off the counter and head to the car. My plans for despondency and trip to the abyss thwarted by an in-store special.