Last night's dream 12/26/09

Last night I dreamt that Santa, Jesus and I were coloring Easter eggs in preparation for the next big holiday.
"What about Valentine's Day?" I queried.
"Man made holiday...doesn't count," said Jesus.
Santa glared at Jesus.
"That's a good idea, Big E. (Santa calls me "Big E") I always get Mrs. Claus a heart shaped box of chocolates!" he said emphatically.
"I always get Mrs. Clause a heart shaped box..." Jesus said snarkily under his breath, but we all heard him.
What was really going on was that Jesus didn't have a Valentine.
"What ever happened to that Mary chick?" Santa asked innocently but with malice.
I tried to scoot my chair back a foot without really being noticed. This was dangerous territory and I wanted nothing to do with it.
But Jesus was cool, seemingly unaffected. "Moved to Berkley, took up some women's causes...NOW, La Leche, some others...." he replied nonchalantly. But I noticed that the egg he was getting ready to put in the blue dye bath was cracking slowly in his clenched fist.
"So!..." I said and trailed off ineffectively.
It was always like that when the two of them got together. They couldn't get along.
Jesus threw his egg into the blue dye and blue dye splashed out everywhere including on Santa's suit. Including his white fur collar. Including his snowy white beard. I scooted my chair wwwaaaaayyyyy back and murmured something about the time and how I had to be moseying. Jesus tittered. Santa's face clouded.
"So!..." I tried again.
"Think that's funny," Santa stated.
"Uh huh." Jesus smirked.
Santa picked up an egg and eyed the green dye.
"No! No! No!" I shouted and leaped up from my chair and stood between the two of them. "Ya'll act like four year olds!" I scolded. "Four year olds!" I added for emphasis. The egg hit the green dye with astounding force and both Jesus and I were completely greened. "You bastard." I inhaled. "Not only is that shit green, it's like freakin' ice water!" I yelped like a dog. Jesus just waved his hand and turned Santa into a pear.
"A pear?" I asked.
"A pear," Jesus said. "First thing that popped into my head. I should eat the mother..."
"Hey now!" the pear said.
"Turn him back." I sighed.
"No."
"J, man, turn him back."
"It's not going to happen, Big E." (Jesus also calls me "Big E".)
"Come on...what about turn the other cheek and love..."
"Thy enemies?" Jesus whispered.
"Oh, come on! For the love of...! Santa is not your enemy!" I said, exasperated.
"He is!" Jesus said petulantly.
"I'm not," said the pear.
"Tsk."
Jesus waved his hand and Santa was again Santa.
"Whew! Ho, ho, ho!" remarked Santa. "A pear! Whew! Ho," he imparted.
Jesus started to laugh a little.
Santa threw back his head and "ho, ho, ho'ed" it out of the park.
Jesus got a fit of the giggles.
I went along. "Hee, hee, ha....ahahaha..."
The only dye left was the pink so we rustled up a huge batch of shiny pink eggs and then went out for beers.

Last night's dream 12/24/09

Last night I dreamt I was wrapping presents in the Philippines in a sweatshop surrounded by 8 and 9 year olds who were also wrapping presents.
Tsk, I thought hotly.
The little kids were sullen and every so often I would catch one of them out of the corner of my eye, gouging a present with a long thumbnail or even biting a toy leaving ugly marks on a doll leg or a train's little chimney spout and I thought, Good for you, kid! But it felt wrong. It all felt so very, very wrong. So I pulled out my cell and called Jesus.
"Hello! You've reached the Big J! SuperJeez, The Christ! Can't come to the phone right now--I'm either saving souls or beating down the devil...leave a message!"
"Jesus..." I muttered..."Jesus!" a little louder. "Hey Man, pick up....Pick up....Pick up! Pick..."
"Hey."
"Hey."
"Whasup?"
"I'm over here in the Philippines in a sweat shop with little kids who are wrapping expensive presents...and I'm wondering, What's up with this?!?!?"
"Oh....uh....can you call back in like...an hour?"
"Don't. You. Dare." I said menacingly.
"Well, crap! How do I KNOW?!?!? I'm the freakin' SON for cryin' out loud! I'm not, like, GOD!"
Silence from me.
"Well, I AM God...well...it's complicated."
Silence from me.
"Tsk."
Silence from me.
"I don't KNOW. WE can't always UNDERSTAND the Master's PLAN but we can take comfort...I don't know why Dad...why I...what the meaning...FAITH! Faith...sometimes things just need to BE because they are a small piece in a bigger...GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS...tsk."
Silence from me.
"What do you want from me?"
Silence from me.
"It's beyond me, El. Yes, even ME. Happy now?!?!?"
"You can make it rain marshmellows on a canal in Venice and you can't do something about sweatshops with little kids in them?" I ask, already knowing that this conversation isn't ever going to end. It's an unending conversation. It has no conclusion. There is no answer. It's an answerless query. Jesus really doesn't know.
"Look...I asked Him once and he...well, let's just say he wasn't PLEASED. He's omniscient...I'm part of him but not all of him...just the good parts...ha,ha,ahahaha...okay, listen...LISTEN...I..." and Jesus trailed off. "I've got another call coming in...I'll call you back. I'll CALL YOU BACK, `k?"
And he hung up.
I bit into the arm of a bobblehead and wrapped it.

Last night's dream 12/22/09

Last night I dreamt that Nigel and I were on a walk around the neighborhood and Nigel was asking me hard to answer questions like, "Why was I born, Mom?" and "Is there pattern to the Universe or is it all Chaos, Mommy?" and "If it is all Chaos, isn't the Chaos itself a kind of pattern, Ma?" and "What's string theory, Momma?" and "Do string theory, quantum physics and fractals merge together at some point to create an even newer form of theory, Mom?" I kept humming and hawing and trying to distract him with comments like, "Oh! Look at that pretty flower!" and "Are you tired yet, little fella? Want to go back home?" and "My, it sure is warm for December, isn't it?" But he wasn't to be distracted. He was hot on trying to figure out the Universe and I was supposed to be the one to help him untangle the web of mystery. "Mommy, I have fractals in my EYES!" he exclaimed and put his eye up really close to mine. "That tree, if we looked at it through a very powerful microscope, IT has fractals!" Then he sighed. "Science is awesome, Mom!" Finally I relented. "When we get home let's look up some of this stuff on the computer, `k?" I suggested. "Yeah!" Nigel said enthusiastically and started running for home. I unlocked the door and he bounded up the stairs. But by the time I got the computer up and running Nigel had found one of his Q-tip sticks (with the fluffy ends removed) and when I said, "Hey Nige, I'm ready to do a search on string theory!" he turned to me said, "Meow." and carried his Q-tip into the living room to play. Science would have to wait.

Last night's dream 12/21/09

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud, Nigel, My Gal, Jesus and I went canoeing. We rented what was referred to as a "family gondola" which simply meant a big ass canoe. Rosebud lolled on the very edge of the very tip of the back of the canoe. Her eyes doing that little slitty thing she does when she'd rather be somewhere else. Nigel was at the opposite end of the edge of the front of the canoe dipping a paw into the water and shaking it off, dipping it in and shaking it off. Jesus lounged back by Rosebud with a paddle across his lap and a hand languidly trailing the surface of the water. My Gal was up with Nigel keeping an eye on him and paddling with precision and efficiency. I was in the center of the canoe making salami, cheese, and mayo sandwiches with french bread.
"To the right," My Gal would say and Jesus would wave his hand a bit and the canoe would go to the right.
"To the left, please."
"Mustard or mayo?" That was me.
"Mayo." Jesus
"Mustard." My Gal. "No, mayo...no...mustard."
"Meow." That was Nigel.
Rosebud, as usual, ignored me and began to shred the canoe with her claws.
"Rose! Rosebud! No, no, no! Rosebud! Rosebud! Rose! No, Rosebud, no, honey, no!" I pleaded and this went on and on until My Gal smacked her paddle in the water and said, "Buttercup! Stop it!" and Rosebud stopped and My Gal gave me her big butch look, a rarity.
"If you could be any animal what animal would you be?" queried Jesus. This was one of his favorite games.
Rosebud gave him the hairy eyeball and Jesus said, "Rosebud McButtercup! I know you would only be you, you, the perfect you! And I know everyone wants to say Rosebud as their first choice so let's just move on to what-animal-would-you-be-if-you-couldn't-be-Rosebud?"
I said, "Vulture, whale, or bee."
My Gal said, "Lion, Pomeranian, or pig."
Jesus said, "Tortoise, hummingbird, or lice."
Nigel didn't understand the question and was too absorbed in wetting and shaking his paw to give it more attention.
We meandered down the river. I love to meander.
"I love to meander," I shared.
"Uh huh! That you do..." My Gal agreed.
"That 40 day thing I did..." mused Jesus, "...that was meandering for sure. You know I ran into Satan on that trip!"
"Uh huh," My Gal and I both said at the same time and rolled our eyes at each other.
"Not very many people know the truth about what Satan and I talked about," Jesus imparted to a now rapt audience of two. Rosebud having had a good stretch had mosied down to Jesus' lap and was curled in a little calico ball snoozing away. Nigel was still doing the dip the paw, shake the paw thing.
"We discussed sports mostly. Beer. The ladies! Ha, ha, ha," joked Jesus.
My Gal and I waited patiently knowing Jesus had to go through this kinda jokey thing before he shared the real wisdom. He was just like that. My Gal kept saying, "He's a humorist." But I think he was the incarnation of Henny Youngman. If I had a nickel for the times he'd said, "Take my Father...please!"
"We talked about morality and mortality." Jesus sighed heavily. "We talked about precious mankind and how heroic and pitiful ya'll are."
We all looked off into different distances around the canoe.
Nigel fell into the water and Jesus levitated him out. My Gal toweled him off. We ate our sandwiches.
Jesus began singing "Row, Row, Row your Boat" and we all joined in in a beautiful round.

Last night's dream 12/19/09

Last night I dreamt that Jesus and I were Christmas shopping at the Mall. We had planned to do all our shopping online but I had ordered something for my girlfriend that came in the mail and...well...I was disappointed when I saw it. Jesus tried to sell me on it.
"It's...nice!" he lied.
"No...no, Jesus...it's not "nice"...it's..."
"She'll like it!" he lied again.
"I really hate it when you lie." I said. "It's one of the things I count on is that you won't lie to me."
"It SUCKS!" he chortled gleefully.
So we were at the Mall. And Jesus was standing in the "Sit on Santa's Lap" line.
"Come on! Do you REALLY have to do this?" I pleaded. "I have to find that one super special item for my gal! The stores will be closing in three hours! Please!" I begged.
"Plenty of time, Big E!" He said enthusiastically. "Gonna sit on Santa's lap!" he added.
"Tsk."
So he stood in line and I kept running to a store and back to the line to check on him (because when you are out with Jesus it's always a good idea to check on him periodically) and then running down the mall to another store. I was having NO LUCK WHAT-SO-EVER in the super special item department. I was sweating. I was anxious. I was getting cranky.
Jesus, who had been waiting in line for over an hour was also starting to get cranky.
Both of us cranky was a bad thing. Who would talk us down?!?!? We began to feed each other's crankiness and started really whipping each other into a frenzy.
"What if Santa decides to take a break before he gets to you?" I asked innocently.
"What if you can't find the super special item tonight? He responded casually.
"What if the mall closes before your turn?" I notched it up a bit.
"What if you NEVER find the super special item and it's Christmas morning?" He was pretty good at notching himself.
"What if..." I began but he interjected...
"...and on Christmas morning your gal opens her presents and her little face is crestfallen and her little lip crumples up and her liquid brown eyes fill with tears and..."
"ALRIGHT!" I shouted.
Lots and lots of people paused to stare but most were sympathetic...it was Christmas shopping after all and it wasn't like I was the only American having a shopping related meltdown.
Jesus sighed. "We need food." he said.
So I ran and got us soft pretzels and Orange Juliuses. We snacked in line and that did help quite a bit.
"Don't worry...you are almost to him now." I said.
"You know if you just gave that gal of yours a big smooch on Christmas morning she'd be happy." he replied.
He might have been truthing right then but I couldn't accept that. My gal was special. I just had to find the super special item. So far online shopping was letting me down and so were the malls. I was forlorn.
Suddenly it was Jesus' turn with Santa.
He asked for peace on earth and an end to all wars and violence (which I felt was redundant) and a vintage train set that we had seen in an antique store downtown (which really wasn't for Santa's benefit but a very broad hint to me) and promised to leave out cookies and milk. Santa was irked that a grown man would (as he interpreted it) make fun of him and waste his time (he had no idea that it was Jesus on his lap) but when Jesus got off his lap he kinda waved his hand at Santa and touched his shoulder and man, these are the moments to live for when you hang with Jesus because that guy in the Santa suit...he just lit up like a...well, a Christmas tree. And his face lost all it's holiday-related anxiety and he kinda sighed into his own heart. And everyone within, oh about a hundred mile radius, felt a bit of the feeling and there was a lot of relaxing and heart expanding going on.
"Super cool." I whispered to him.
"Super cool. " he replied.

Last night's dream 12/17/09

Last night I dreamt that I was in the pokey AGAIN!!! It seems that through NO fault of my own I was involved in a sex scandal AGAIN. See, I was invited to go to this party that my friend said she thought I would find fun and funny. She was going with HER friend who had invited her with the same line and had added casually "...oh, and feel free to bring a guest." It turned out that SHE had been invited by a friend of hers with that exact same speech. So the night of the thing my friend calls and says she's sick. Not only that but that the friend that invited her--she's sick TOO. So this gal that invited the gal that invited my friend that invited me calls me and says in this deep voice edged with a tiny bit of danger "So...(long pause, more danger) YOU still wanna go?" And I'm nervous and DON'T want to go so I blurt out, "Hell YES, I still want to go!" So she picks me up in a Yugo and we head for this warehouse and I'm trying to think of sparkling conversation starters but I can't help peeking under her coat with my eyes every once in a while because I think I can see, but I'm not sure, but I think I can see something that looks like painted on vinyl. Liquid vinyl. And I'm thinking, "Is she wearing painted on LIQUID vinyl?!?! No. Could she be? OMG...OMG...I...she IS! It's got to be! I'm so not dressed right for this..." And I kinda peep down at my own outfit which is a pencil skirt and a black t-shirt and Keds. And I think despairingly, "I'm f*cking wearing KEDS?!?!?!" We finally arrive and the door person, who is wearing a leather outfit that looks a bit like those pajamas with the feet in them but is slightly more than skin tight and of paper-thin leather with little cutouts that you don't want to know where and with a mask over her face and these long Thailand dancer nail things on and I'm trying not to look at the nails or the cutouts or ANYTHING. I'm trying to act super cool and I'm losing it. And the door person murmurs, "Ooooohhhh Keds! You're going to want to head to the far, far back of the warehouse." and she laughs throatily. I have always wanted to laugh throatily but mine is more of a guttural aboriginal word kind of laugh. And now, NOW, it was more of a high pitched anxiety ridden giggle of massively embarrassing proportions. And the gal I came with, she says, "Isn't she tasty?!?!?" Meaning ME. Which I kinda liked that. I mean who doesn't like being referred to as "tasty"? But then I thought about where I was and about what that could really MEAN and I was between another giggle of hysteria and a full out scream of panic. I had to do quite a bit of self-talk. "Reeeeelaaaxxxx!" I cautioned. "Reeeellllaaaaaxxxxxxxx....it's JUST a party. It's JUST a new experience. It's not a big deal. It's a lark...It's a...." and my self-talk froze because in front of me was this drop dead gorgeous creature of, oh almost but not quite, 5' 10" and she was holding a trophy in her hand. And she wasn't wearing much but what she was wearing appeared to be silk and leather which my mind really couldn't quite ALLOW me to wrap around and then I thought, "Wrap around..." and I was lost. LOST! Lost to this world of--I didn't even know what but now I was thinking it might be a really, really good idea. REALLY GOOD. For me to find out. This gorgeous one. She hands the trophy to the door person and purrs, "Can you put this with my coat, please? I just won the contest for...oh...you know...JUST one of the contests..." she said this so casually and in my mind I'm screaming "WHAT?!?!? WHAT?!?!? What did you win FOR?!?!?" And I'm completely smitten by her face and her body and her leather and silk wispy pieces and she turns to me and smiles and I start to fall over. Luckily my Keds had traction and I kind of acted like there was a strong wind that had blown me a bit around and I straightened up and said in a cracked boy-coming-of-age voice, "I'm...uh...I'm...that is...I'M HEADING...to the uh...to the BACK of the...to the uh...(and here I look down at my feet and kind of point) heading to the KEDS portion of the warehouse." and I just reach out and take her arm and say, with just a smidgen more authority, "And...AND...and yoooouuuuu...are...uh...you...YOU (and here I try to keep from fainting and I clutch her arm a little tighter)...Youyou are coming with ME!" And to my amazement I start to stroll...yes, I'm together enough to STROLL towards the back of the warehouse and this creature, this apparition actually strolls with me and smiles at me and lets me actually TOUCH her arm. Now would have been the time to chat casually or maybe offer up some really great innuendo or even flirt openly but no. NO. NO. NO. I was pretty much back to being in a total state of P-A-N-I-C. I was sure this gal, this glorious gal was going to shirk me off her arm and laugh and say something like, "Keds! Ha!" and stroll away to the feather or leather or pleather or whips or whipped cream sections of the warehouse...but she didn't. She even kind of moved closer to me. I felt a heart attack preparing itself in my chest. I really just wanted to leave there and get this gal her coat and head to, I don't know, maybe Denny's. I wanted to find out if she liked decaf or regular coffee, I wanted to know if she preferred pancakes or waffles. I wanted to put some clothes on her so that I could take some clothes off her. I wanted to hear her snore...I wanted her to meet my Mom. I wanted to play Yahtzee with her. I wanted to... We reached the KEDS section of the warehouse. She looked down at me and smiled. I looked up at her and blushed.
"I don't know what to do now." I confessed.
"You don't?!?"
"I've never been to a Ked's party." I admitted.
She laughed..."Oh, you'll be fine."
I started, "But..."
"I'll go with you." she promised.
So I took a deep breath and was ready to part the curtains and find out what really happened in the Keds section when the doors burst open and we were raided. Someone mistakenly identified me as one of the organizers and with my management background from my old job in corporate America the police thought it made sense. So there I was. In the pokey. Smiling, smiling, smiling down at my keds.

Last night's dream 12/16/09

Last night I dreamt I was at a cat show and the "Best of Show" was a calico Cornish Rex much like Rosebud. Rosebud ran off with this cat! Then a man came over and said, "I wrote a book." The book was the story of Rosebud and her TWO CHILDREN! I was stunned. I ran after her yelling, "You have KIDS?!?!?" She and this "B of S" Rex kept dodging me, running under tables, leaping over cats in crates. The organizers came running yelling at me, "Get your cat UNDER CONTROL!" they demanded. I smirked at them, shook my head, and said, "Tsk. You expect me, a mere mortal to get Rosebud under control?" They looked at me and then looked at Rosebud who was perched on top of one of the judges heads and then back at me and said, "Tsk." and walked away. The judge (with Rosebud on his head) was stammering and just slightly shaking. "She's...uh...sinking her claws in my head...a little...she's..." and then he trailed off because he saw the look on my face because I saw the look on Rosebud's face. She was getting ready to leave the guy's head. This was not a good thing for the guy even though he might think it would be. Because. Because it meant that Rosebud would need to "sink in" quite a bit to get the correct leverage to make her big leap to her next destination. He didn't yet know what he was in for. I rushed over but the man made a fatal mistake. He said, "Get this...this...animal off my head..." and then kinda sarcastically, "...please." It was the way he said "animal". I know my child is an animal. I realize she's a cat. I'm not naive. But the way he said it. You just don't diss my kids. So my frantic rush turned into a bit of a meandering stroll where I even stopped to take a quick look at a Sphynx in a crate who winked at me knowingly. So by the time I reached the judge Rosebud was sinking down, down, down into his little scalp and projecting herself into the air like the beautiful lean mean adorable machine that she is. This should be the end of the dream with maybe a little humorous anecdote at the end but no. The organizers had us held until the police can be called in. I snuck out my cell phone and made a quick call. By the time the police arrived Jesus was pulling up, in a limo this time, and in a suit. "Attorney for Rosebud and Elliott" he said and waved a hand and everyone turned into gingerbread houses. "Jesus!" I laughed. He grabbed Rosebud and the two touched noses. He said, "How `bout we go get us some cream and chicken and liver?" Rosebud purred. We got into the limo. Liberace was driving and the steering wheel was a keyboard (appropriately). He smiled at me in the rear view and started off. "Jesus..." I began but he interrupted, "Already on it Big E." and he waved his hand and no one was a gingerbread house anymore. Rosebud crawled on top of Liberace's head and Liberace laughed and laughed. Even when the claws sunk in.

Last night's dream 12/15/09

Last night I dreamt that my girlfriend and I were listening to a Meg Christian record and singing "Ode to a Gym Teacher" at the top of our lungs. We were laughing and falling into each others arms and spilling wine on the carpet and I didn't even care. I let that wine just puddle there. We laughed so hard a little wine came out my nose and we laughed even harder at that! That led to wine enema jokes for some reason and now we were rolling around on the floor and laughing so very hard that you couldn't even hear Meg anymore. Finally the laughter subsided and we were subdued. I looked out the window and said, "Oh...look at that...you don't see that everyday do you?" And my girlfriend looked out the window too. There was a pig with a big bee on it's back going down the street. The Bee had a little delicate whip in her hand and the pig had on a tutu. Then my girlfriend said "wine enema." and the laughter erupted all over again.

Last night's dream 12/14/09

Last night I dreamt that a Japanese man wanted to have lunch with me but the food was late and then he was in a meeting and then there was a dog that I had to entertain for some reason with a little yellow ball. I kept approaching the wrong Japanese man and asking if it was time yet or telling him that I was the one who wasn't quite ready and they were very gracious and would relay my message to the right Japanese man but then at the end of the dream it turned out that ALL the Japanese men wanted to have lunch with me. And not just one time. There was a poster posted that stated that there would be a Japanese Man Lunch with Elliott Night every Wednesday. And the kicker...ONLY Japanese food was to be served and it had to be home made. I ran home and ransacked the cupboards looking for my rice cooker. I couldn't find it. But when I opened the freezer package after package of shishamo fell out. I breathed a huge sigh of relief and took a swig of sake.

Last night's dream 12/11/09

Last night I dreamt I was in Venice and was on one of the many canals. I was eating marshmellows out of a bag. Tons of pigeons were crowding around me wanting one of those tasty white treats. I kept telling them, "These babies are for me, and only me! Go on now, go with your bad selves! Back to the plaza!" And to my amazement they all flew off in a huge white cloud of wings and beady black eyes. "Hmmm!" I thought with a little toss of my head, thinking I was super cool. Then I saw him sitting in the boat with me with his arm still held in the air in a waving dismissive gesture. "Jesus..." I mumbled. "Hi!" Jesus said all chummy. I wasn't feeling very chummy towards Jesus. We had just gotten out of the pokey for, like, the fifth time since arriving in Italy. "Gosh! It sure is beautiful on this canal!" Jesus mused. I went to take a little puff of white out of the bag and to my chagrin realized that the marshmellows now rested on Jesus' lap. "Hey! Come ON now!" I gestured angrily at the bag. Jesus giggled mischievously and handed me back the bag. I grabbed it back, irritated. The bag was empty. Jesus giggled again and waved his hand and the bag was full. Of mini rice cakes. "Better for you...and for that...um...little waistline of yours. I flushed with anger, embarrassment, and shame. "Oh great! Is this your way of being loving and kind?!?!" I asked with tears gathering in my eyes and threatening to slide down my face. "Oh for cryin' out loud!" muttered Jesus. "Try to have a little sarcastic fun...try to be just the slightest bit cynical! But NNNNNOOOOOOO! Not Jesus...Jesus can't be sarcasticcynicallyclevernaughtygossipyflirtynastybitinglyfunny...he's got to be the GOOD BOY! Well I'm SICK of it!" And he, somehow he got the bag of marshmellows back, threw the bag up in the air and little white blocks of delight came down littering the canal, the boat, and us.
"Tsk."
"Come on..."
"No...you know it's true..."
"Come on now..."
"I have to be so "Up-With-People-ish" all the f-ing time! It's not FAIR!"
Here I had to really, really just breathe. Nothing else. Just take in some breaths. I think I hummed a little. Because Jesus is not "the good boy". I mean, HOLY CRAP! He's in trouble ALL the time! I am constantly having to get us out of jams! He's the flirting-est religious icon I know! He's sassy, mean-spirited, goofy, and glowy. He's the definition of sarcasm and he's the definition of grace. As I hummed some more I realized just how important he was in my life and when I thought of him being the definition of grace I got truly, really truly, this is no embellishment...I got choked up. He was my hero.
"You know your my savior...right?" I said.
He blushed! OMG! Jesus blushed at me!!!
"It's true. I don't know what I would do if we didn't know each other. There would be a really big hole in my life. You know that right?"
"Yeah..." he muttered with a little upside down smile on his face which showcased his dimples quite nicely.
"What do you want to do? Get some gelato?!?!" I asked.
"Paragliding!" He said hopefully.
"Again!?!?" I asked and his face started to fall but I was laughing and he started laughing too.
"I love you dude." Jesus said.
"I love you too." I said back.

Last night's dream 12/07/09

Last night I dreamt that Jesus and I were at happy hour and he had knocked back a few and he was talking about his dad...again.
"Everyone thinks Dad is a planner! Dad's not a planner...no. He's a spur of the moment guy! Really, you think he sat down and diagrammed out some of this shit?"
I tried to change the subject..."Isn't our waiter a cutie?" I tried.
"Like platypuses, Hitler, colic for babies, whipped cream in a can, osteoporosis, ostriches, shooting stars, the mojito..." and here he holds up his mojito. "All FLUKES!"
"Well..." I begin.
"And FLUKES too! Flukes are flukes...He would finish dinner, turn to Mom and say, 'Goin' to the basement for awhile.' and off he'd trot and sit there in a broken down barco-lounger...oh, it was so cool, it was red leather and that thing ROCKED. I could sell that on Ebay for, like, I bet maybe a thousand bucks!"
"Well..." I get out.
"So he'd sit in this barco-lounger and he's mutter to himself for awhile and pop a Pepsi or a Pabst. Pretty soon he'd be up and rummaging around in these tubs he kept down there and the next thing you know he'd come up and drop something like a platypus or a toucan on to the dining room table and make all of us kids comment on it. Mom would literally run out of the house and be watering the garden (of Eden) or something by the time he reached the top of the stairs. We kids didn't mind, she had to put up with him all the years before we were all born so..."
"Well..." I attempted.
"So this toucan or maybe a macaw or a miniature pony or a goatee would be sitting there and we'd have to give it stars. Five stars was super good and one star was like a 'try-again-dad' thing. No one ever gave Dad one star!" and Jesus burst into giggles.
"Well..."
"Yeah, there WAS one time that Neil, my brother Neil, gave Dad one star and (eruption of giggles) oh crap man! Dad turned Neil into a miniature putt putt golf course for three days! See! No planning! He just pulled stuff like that out of his ass! (another giggle eruption)"
"Well..."
Silence.
"Oh! Well..."
"Yeah, my old man! I couldn't be prouder! Don't get me wrong! The imagination on that guy! It's AMAZING!!! I mean he is ALWAYS thinking! And 99% of the time he's spot on! Brilliant! But I really live for that other 1%, know what I mean? I live for those times when Dad goes a little tilt-a-whirl on shit! (more giggling)"
"Well..."
"And the coolest thing about Dad? He's all forgiving. Yeah, he might turn you into a golf course or something when he's ticked off but then he comes around and forgives everyone for any stupid shit they do. That's the real beauty of Dad. Hey, let's get another mojito, `k?"

Last night's dream 12/05/09

Last night I dreamt I was in a Mexican bar in Mexico. It was a rough bar. It was not a good situation. I was very nervous. I sat off in the corner mostly staring down at the floor or at my festive alcoholic beverage. I didn't realize it until something was said but I was doing that annoying habit that I have...I was twiddling my thumbs.
"Thumb twiddler, uh?" Shouted out a guy who had a scar running across his face.
"You come in HERE and twiddle?!?!" Yelled a really big hairy guy with no shirt.
"I..." I choked out.
"What you BORED, Thumb twiddler? Is that it? We BORE you?" Demanded a guy with one eye.
"I..." Hoarsely.
"Come on Thumb Twit! Let us in on your little secret! Why you so BORED here, uh? WHY you come in HERE and twiddle like that, uh? And it better be GOOD!" said a really enormous guy with a mustache and tattoos...who turned out to be the barmaid.
"No..." I struggled to raise my voice above a whisper. "No...not bored...shy...uncomfortable...nervous...not...bored, no...I'm...not me...lovely...bar...really...great...decor...good....stuff...festive drinks...lovely..." I spewed out between the thunder of my heartbeats.
They all glared at me menacingly.
Then Barbara Streisand bursts through the door in her Yentl attire and a birthday cake in her hands. The cake is shaped like a turduken. Everyone gathers around and a rousting round or three of happy birthday ensues.
I'm forgotten in my corner. Twiddling my thumbs in earnest.

Last night's dream 12/04/09

Last night I dreamt I was hanging from a cliff. My heart was pounding near out of my chest and I was a hairs breath from panic. I kept moving my legs and feet seeking a tiny bit of purchase just enough to take the stress off my arms and hands. There was nothing. Nothing. Jesus appeared over the edge of the cliff, smiling down at me. "Let go." he encouraged. "Help me!" I begged. "Help me up!" He shook his head no and really smiled and repeated, "Let go. It'll be fine." I looked over my shoulder and the drop was so magnificent that I couldn't see the bottom. Just a black pit. "Help me up! Help me up!" I pleaded. Again the smile, the head shake, the gentle, "It'll be alright...just...let...go." I proceeded to explore the wall with my feet and legs. I grew frantic. My arms were tiring and I knew I couldn't hold much longer. Jesus sighed. "I'll help you." he said, and stood up. Then he stomped his foot down on my right hand as hard as he could. I screamed and let go of the cliff. Now I dangled one handed from the cliff's edge. Jesus smiled and stomped on my left hand. I released the cliff's edge and down, down, down I went...falling through space. Falling. Then "thwunk" I landed. In your arms. In the arms of love.

Last night's dream 12/03/09

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud, Nigel, and I were going to Goodwill. Rosebud was cranky because she wanted to stay at home and sleep and Nigel was cranky because I didn't let him bring his Q-tip stick. I had put a few things in the cart to try on. One was this really fabulous leopard print top that I was positive would make my waist look tiny whilst drawing attention to my magnificent rack. As a bonus it had the half price color tag! Nigel came down the aisle dragging a junior scientist chem lab box. "Moooommmmm!" he foamed excitedly, "I can blow things up!" Then he saw my face and his face fell. "Moooooommmmmmm!" he said beseechingly, "I'll only blow up small things! Pleeeaaaassssseeeee Moooooommmmmmmmm!" Rosebud comes up behind him and shoves her knee into the back of his knee and he goes sprawling. Then he starts crying. I look around and everyone is staring. "Nigel, Nigel..." I croon, "Come here little Fella." I pick up Nigel and he sinks into my shoulder and I pat his back. Then he starts the fist punching in thin air thing that he does. I have no idea what this means but I let him punch a little air until he calms down. "Look, let's pass on the lab and I'll get us all chicken and liver treats for tonight!" Nigel shakes his head "Okay" excitedly. Boy loves his chicken and liver. Then I turn to deal with Rosebud. I spot her at the far end of the store innocently leafing through paperbacks. I sigh. I turn around ready to head for the dressing room to try on a few things. I look down and the leopard print top is gone! I look around the cart thinking maybe Nigel knocked it out. It's nowhere to be found. "Tsk!" I think. Then I head to the dressing rooms and see that one is occupied and the second one is empty. I go in with Nigel who makes a face. He doesn't really like to see me in my "all unders" as he calls them. "You can face the wall or close your eyes..." I state. He goes in with me and pulls out a pouch of jacks and a ball. He doesn't play, he just examines them. I am trying on one of my finds when I catch a glimpse of a leopard print sleeve brushing the floor of the dressing room stall next to me. Sharp intake of breath! "Why the nerve..." I mutter low and menacingly--safe in my dressing room. Then I hear, "With a little tuck here and a little tuck there, Hot 70's Disco Night, here I come!" I yell out, "Jesus!" There is silence in the other dressing room. A pregnant pause and then furtive gathering of items and the sound of an attempt to open the door without making a sound. "Jesus Christ!" I shout again. Then I realize that I am in a dressing room and that the whole store is probably staring my way. "Nigel, stay here, honey." I say as I turn and yank open my door. There stands Jesus attempting to slink away with the leopard print top under his arm. "What are you DOING?!?!" I say accusingly. "Oh, yeah, accuse, accuse, accuse!" He snorts. "As if I haven't had enough of THAT in my life!"
"You can't steal things out of people's carts, especially out of FRIENDS carts, like that just because you had a rough childhood! We ALL have damn it. We ALL have!" and I look around for support but the other shopping ladies are all averting their eyes and moving away slowly but purposefully towards housewares. "Tsk." says Jesus and hands over the leopard print top. I go back into the room and try it on. It doesn't fit. I come back out and hand it back to Jesus who whoops a little bit and does a few opening steps to "The Hustle". Rosebud is leaning against the outside wall of the dressing room texting. She gives Jesus the hairy eyeball. The two just don't get along. Nigel comes out of the dressing room with his little sack of jacks and balls and yells, "Uncle Jesus!" and leaps into Jesus' arms. "Hey little bud!" says Christ. "How's it hanging?" "Long and wide!" replies Nigel. He doesn't know what it means but that's what his Uncle has taught him to reply. Jesus always has a little tickle from this. So I stand watching him chuckle and Nigel looking hopeful that he's said it right and Rosebud yawning and texting. I say, "Ok, who's up for chicken and liver treats?" and we all wave a hand in the air.

Last night's dream 12/02/09

Last night I dreamt that Jesus came over.
"What do you want to do Little E?" (he calls me Little E sometimes. Mostly its okay but sometimes its condescending and I get irked. On this occasion it was said in an affectionate tone so I was good with it.)
"Ummm...want to get soft tacos?" I suggested.
"Not hungry."
"Oh...well...we could go to happy hour somewhere..."
"Groovy, dude, groovy!" (He calls me dude sometimes too and that one does bugs me. I always want to point out that I'm a gal and that if anything I'm a dudette but he counters with the old doctor/doctorette and outdated actor/actress argument. So I just let him call me dude sometimes.)
So we headed to the local gay bar. First of all because it's Palm Springs and where else ya gonna go? And secondly because Jesus prefers gay bars. I'm not saying Jesus is gay! You want to know about Jesus' sexuality YOU ask him. I do think it's safe to reveal that when Jesus has had a couple of mojitos he loosens up and is a MAJOR flirt! He's good at it too! But, he KNOWS it. And that spoils it a little for me. He acts very innocent but, hey, he's the son of God so innocence gets trumped by the all-knowingness thing. He flirts with everybody! Everybody. Actually, he's kinda slutty. In a very spiritual way! Very spiritual. But also very slutty.
Anyway, we head to the gay bar and Jesus always does this other thing that bugs me. He produces the free drink chip. He just pulls it out of thin air. He hasn't purchased a drink previously to get the chip. I roll my eyes and mutter, "Tsk." But he always replies, "Loaves and fishes, baby, loaves and fishes."
So we're in the gay bar.
A bunch of guys come over and sort of swarm Jesus. It's that magnetism thing he has, the glowy aura around him is like a naked bulb to a bunch of moths. So these guys are laughing at his jokes and buying him drinks and a few are out and out mauling him and Jesus is in his glory! Well, not his, you know, Glory glory, but he's definitely eating up the attention. I even catch him batting his eyelashes.
I have the odd conversation about fashion or shoes or where to shop for thousand thread count sheets and sip my dirty martini. I have found myself in the pokey with Jesus more than once, so I usually keep an eye on him but tonight I got distracted by my own pondering and before I knew it there were words, loud words, being exchanged between a big bear and Jesus and a little bear was standing nearby looking both appalled and excited. "Oh crap!" I mutter and polish off my martini with a quick swig. Then I rush over hoping it isn't too late but Jesus had escalated. He always escalates. I don't know what it is about him but he seems to crave the drama. You'd think after what he's been through that a quiet evening at the local gay bar would be enough but with Jesus it never is! He likes to be in the spotlight and that's exactly where he was right at the moment. The entire bar had hushed and were staring with glee, pity, encouragement, or boredom (depending on age and history) at the bears and Jesus. I plow in, "Jesus, J!, Jesus, what's up dude?" (sometimes I call him dude back because I know he likes it.) "Don't call me dude!" he shrieks. Oh. It's going to be one of THOSE nights. I stand in front of the big bear and say, "Honey, believe me, he ain't worth getting your panties in a twist over. Let me buy you and your fella here..." and he breaks in "MY HUSBAND!" "Yeah, yeah, okay, you and your husband. That's so fucking cool! Wasn't prop 8 a fucking slap?" I say. One to get him interested in something else besides Jesus' bad behavior and two, I don't usually throw around the f word like that but in these situations I have found that (being five foot two) using a little foul language makes me seem taller. So I'm f-ing this and f-ing that and I order up a few drinks and Jesus is being comforted (Comforted!) but a young Asian, so he's distracted, and Jesus is murmuring something about Shintoism. The bears stalk off and I motion to Jesus that it's really time to go. He grabs hold of the Asian and they stroll out of the bar ahead of me. Jesus whispers to the Asian and the Asian laughs gently, with a hand over a little luscious mouth. Jesus comes over and says, "I'm going to do a bad thing! I'm going to ditch you, `k?" He asks all smirky perky. "`K!" I reply smirky perky back. Then he says, with complete sincerity, "Little E! You're the BEST!" And when Jesus compliments you like that, believe me, it lights you up like a Christmas tree! That's why I hang with Jesus. Even when he's smirky perky. It's a faith thing.

Last night's dream 12/01/09

Last night I dreamt that Jesus and I were walking out in the forest. There was a stream to the right and Jesus kept slamming into my shoulder to try and knock me into the stream. "Cut it out..." I said wearily.
Jesus always tried this kind of crap on me when we were together. He slammed me again. "For the love of...!" I exclaimed.
"Come on! I want to baptise you!"
"Forget it!"
"Come on, come on, come on!"
"No. Absolutely not. Can you just let me have my own BELIEFS for a change!"
He starts pouting.
"Tsk."
"Hey, did you see that bird? Little tiny blue thing! How cool!" I try.
"BFD."
I give up, because with Jesus there are very few ways to pull him out of a sulk.
I stumble and fall to the ground. Jesus leaps into action!
"Is anything broken?" he asks excitedly.
"Uh....oh...uh...no, no, nothing broken..."
He looks crestfallen.
"Ow! Ow!" I whinge. "Oh man! I have DEFINITELY sprained the heck out of my ankle, though!" I lie encouragingly.
"I'll HEAL you! I'll HEAL you!" he squeals.
And he does. And now he's happy again.
"You're kinda bored these days, huh?" I ask.
"Oh, you have no idea..." He begins and then goes off into a long rambling diatribe about how in the old days he was respected, misunderstood, feared, adored, attacked, revered...a whole host of reactions. "Now, El...now, people have put me in a little box of understanding. They think they have me all figured out! I'm the son of GOD for crying out loud! Figured out. Can you beat that?!?!?"
"I've never been in your position J." I say. "I really don't know how to help you. I wish I knew what to say or do to ease your pain...but...I don't. And I feel bad about that."
He perks up.
"Tsk." Because I walked right into it.
He slams into my shoulder and I allow myself to tumble into the stream.

last night's dream 11/29/09

Last night I dreamt that I was getting ready for the presidential inauguration. I had done some great thing that got me an invitation to sit on the dais whilst the new president was sworn in. I was standing in my closet and I was in a panic because the more I looked the more apparent it became that I owned NOTHING even remotely acceptable for such an important and serious event. I kept flicking through my wardrobe thinking, "When did I buy THIS?!?!?" And I'm looking at these, well, really nice quality pasty and g-string sets, tutus in darn near all the colors of the rainbow, dominatrix outfits, including some very strange rubber and latex stuff, a clown costume, and three, count them!, three nurses uniforms from the 1940's complete with cape and cap. There was a set of scrubs with a kitten motif, a "Punk Sucks" t-shirt that I made in the 80's and was sure had disintegrated off my body back in `92, a "Kiss the Cook" apron, and a complete Samurai warrior battle armour from the late 1600's. "Hmmm..." I pondered. "Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm." I kept flicking. "Aha!" I shouted. Way at the back of the closet, I had spotted a stunning evening gown of sapphire blue and I thought, "Now, there's the ticket!" When I pulled the dress off the rack I saw that it had no back. I don't mean low...I mean like it stopped at the sides. No back. What-so-ever. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. And I thought, "Oh, come on now!" I kept turning it around thinking, I don't know, that a back was going to be there somehow. But no. No. I put the dress on. It looked absolutely smashing from the front. Absolutely. Then I spun around and...well, there you have it. Bare naked Elliott butt. "That's not going to fly..." I reflected thoughtfully. So I got all "Project Runway" and began cutting up some of the more demure latex stuff and stitching it to the dress. When I was done I had a pretty exciting haute couture-ish frock on my hands. There was even a bustle made from various tutus. I got all dolled up and heard the limo beep, beep its horn and I smiled as I took one last twirl in the mirror. All I had to do was slap on some shoes and I was ready to go...then I opened the shoe closet with a flourish, peeked inside and began to weep.

Last night's dream 11/26/09

Last night I dreamt I was walking in the woods and then suddenly it was dark. Behind me a voice said, "Here. Here's a flashlight." I took the flashlight. It was the kind you have to crank to make work. So I'm cranking away and it's producing this amazing beam of light that has colors in it and every once in a while a little lightning burst that zigzags across the beam. "This is so cool!" I exclaim as I crank. "Where did you get it?" "Sharper Image." she says. "No. That's not true..." she continues. "Best...Tar...Wa....hmmm...I MADE it for you." she finally admits. "You MADE this!?!?!" "Yes, for you." I blush. "For me..." I wallow in this. "You've stopped cranking..." she informs me. I crank again and we continue.

Last night's dream 11/24/09

Last night I dreamt I was on a quest of some kind. A black man and I had begun by walking out the door of a house. Part of the quest was that I take nothing with me. We stopped at a man's house. This man was one of those guys who had a perpetual yard sale going on in his carport. We were offered food by this man and I pulled out two butter knives and my guide and I ate some steak and then he said it was time to get rid of the knives. So I went to the yard sale man, the merchant, and I asked what I could get for the knives. He pointed to a basket filled with stuff and said, "Anything in the basket..." then he reached over and removed a golden egg shaped Christmas ornament from the basket and set it aside and then said again, "Anything in the basket..." Other men appeared around the table and they started pulling things out of the basket and commenting on these items. Several glass salt shakers came out of the basket and the men lined them up. Each was filled with salt and most were clear but there was a pale, pale pink one that was so very pale that I had to keep asking myself, "Is it clear or pink?" The merchant agreed to give me six of the salt shakers in exchange for the two butter knives. One of the knives was sterling but several of the salt shakers had sterling tops so I felt the deal was good. I took the salt shakers, wrapped them in styrafoam and then in a green felt cloth and headed over to two small cots that the guide and I were going to sleep in that night. I began to tell the guide about the salt shakers and my plan to leave them somewhere whilst we were questing and to pick them up again on the return trip. Before I could speak the guide said angrily, "What have you DONE? What have you DONE girl?!?! Now, not only do you have this book", and he held up a book and waved it around, "but now you have these things as well?!?! What are you thinking? This is not a game! We are on a quest. The only rule I had for you was to bring nothing. Nothing!" and he stormed away from me. I began to cry with shame. Eventually the guide returned and said, "Come on...we need to get hot water for the tea." We headed over to the back door of the merchant's home and knocked on an aluminum screen door. The merchant came to the door and the guide asked for hot water for tea. As he turned I blurted, "Ex..ex...excuse me, sir!" He turned and through sobs I asked if I might return the salt shakers and in return for the knives if it might be possible for him to mail the book back home for me. Both the merchant and the guide smiled and the guide embraced me and kissed my face.

Last night's dream 11/21/09

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud, Nigel, and I were on the road again. We were driving to Norway to see the Northern Lights. Rosebud was cranky in the crate, Nigel was sleeping. I was playing Brandi Carlile on the CD player and singing at the top of my voice. That's about when the cop pulled us over. I was fumbling to find the registration in a lunchbox on the front seat when the officer tap, tap, tapped on the window. I had shut off the car so I couldn't roll down the window so I held up a finger to let him know that I was going to start the car and roll down the window. Well, I had injured my pointer finger and so I used my middle finger to alert the policeman that I was going to be a minute. That gesture got me, "OUT OF THE CAR, MA'AM! RIGHT NOW! OUT!" So I opened the door and stepped out. The officer's sharp intake of breath told me that something probably wasn't quite normal. I looked down to find I had on a pair of rubber pink pasties and a little rainbow fringe g-string and a pair of KILLER, and I can't stress this enough, KILLER Louboutin pink satin heels with a gigantic bow on the back. "I..." I sputtered and handed him my license and registration and insurance card and for some reason my mortgage paperwork and Nigel and Rosebud's notebook on their complete history, my Social Security card, a library book from the back seat on whales that Nigel was reading, and a discourse on the butch/femme roles of lesbians that I had borrowed from a friend. The officer dumped everything on the ground but the license, glanced at it and said, "Elliott...Elliott, Elliott, Elliott. What would Father Flanigan say?" and I burst into tears. He comforted me and I was really at a loss because I had no idea who Father Flanigan was, I wasn't Catholic, and I wasn't really ashamed of the costume because on second look I found that I had the body of the 20 year old Elliott and well, frankly, I was rocking those pasties and g-string like you would not believe. Plus I couldn't get over the shoes. Finally I was all out of tears and I said, after sneaking a peek at his name tag, "Officer Flynn, what did I do?" He replied, "Remember back about a hundred miles you were in Pit, Nebraska?" "Wha..?" "Think! Elliott, Think! Pit! It's important!" But I couldn't remember Pit. So Flynn continued, "You were in Pit and you stopped in a thrift store and you bought a black sweater and a mug that said, "Kiss Me I'm the Pope" on the side. I said, "Officer Flynn, I'm sorry but what is it with all these Catholic references? I mean, you know by now that I'm not religious that I know very little about Catholicism and yet here I am seemingly embroiled in some Irish Catholic drama I know nothing about." And Officier Flynn patted me on the shoulder and he said, "It's not you we're after...it's HIM." and he pointed to Nigel sleeping in his crate in the back of the Prius. "WHAT!?!?" I said starting to feel around my hips looking for, obviously, the gun I usually carried there. I glanced into the car and saw it laying on the seat. It was a Nerf ball gun and of little use in this situation. Officer Flynn said, "He's the ONE. He's the next Dalai Lama and we Catholics have been ordrered to stop him. He mustn't lead the Buddhists or things on Earth will change in ways you and I can't even imagine!" I was struck dumb. Officer Flynn had his gun drawn and me in handcuffs before I was able to react. I stood numbly while he handcuffed my feet and set me down by the side of the road. I was crying like mad and offering anything I could think of to stop Flynn from taking Nigel. "My retirement fund!" I yelled, "It's dwindled over the years but it's your Flynn, ALL YOURS...you could take the wife and go to Mexico and live FOREVER!" I wasn't really sure the money would last forever but if the market continued to improve, who knew? Stocks were always a gamble anyway and if he had a good financial advisor he could make that money last! "I will give you my financial advisor too!" I screamed. Flynn had removed his officer uniform to reveal some kind of Bishop or Cardinal's attire...who knows? I'm NOT Catholic! I was flailing around all over the place as Flynn holstered his gun and began to unzip the crate Nigel was in. I could see Nigel asleep and Rosebud next to him with her headphones on, reading a Vogue magazine. Then I saw her swivel one hairy eyeball at Flynn and her tail flicked. Flynn ignored her and I felt some hope welling up. She flicked her tail again and got up and did a deceptively languid stretch. Then, just as Flynn's meaty hands were encircling Nigel, Rosebud released her fury. Ten razor sharp claws (how, I don't know, I had just trimmed them the day before) sunk into Flynn's flesh, 32 (or however many teeth cats have) dagger edged teeth sunk into his pasty arm and Flynn released Nigel and yanked back, Rosebud still attached. He danced around with Rosebud doing this quite elegant Ninja-esque attack on his entire being. She got both his arms, his fleshy neck, and his face. Once she had him on the ground in a puddle of his own blood and sweat she strolled over, removed her headset, I could still here X playing through the little buds, and uncuffed me. "Fucking organized religion..." she sighed. I said, "Hey, young lady, watch the language." but she could tell by my beaming that she had done well. She headbutted me and bit my earlobe. We got back in the car and I gunned it out of there. Nigel woke up and said, "Mom, can we go there?" I said, "Where son?" and he said, "What that man said, to the Deli with the lambs. Can I pet the lambs?" I said, "Whereever you want to go little Holiness..."

Last night's dream 11/20/09

Last night I dreamt there was a pig and a bee in a pink bed. That's all I'm saying. The rest is pretty X rated, even for farm animals.

Last night's dream 11/19/09

Last night I dreamt that an owl got into bed with me and snuggled up under the covers. It looked into my eyes with its deep brown ones and tilted its head to the side then shook it gently in a "no no" motion. Then it touched my cheek with one of its wings and placed its face against mine. I couldn't move. There was a bubble of energy surrounding us and I was transfixed by the gentle flow and ebb of our breaths. The owl moved its head back to look into my eyes again and I felt myself melting. It began to expand and when it reached five foot nine and three quarter inches it stopped. I thought, "Oh it's you!"

Last night's dream 11/17/09

Last night I dreamt some pretty steamy stuff that I really can't write about in a blog. Let's just say there was a lot of skin and rubbing and ooohing and aaaahhhing and ohmygodding going on and it was better than swimming in a tub of ice cream in an insulated suit!

Last night's dream 11/15/09

Last night I dreamt I was a judge for pies at State Fairs. I would travel from fair to fair and judge the pies. The judging was supposed to be like wine tasting. I was supposed to take a bite of pie and chew a little and then spit it into a bucket and nibble a saltine to clear my palette before tasting the next pie. I started to cheat almost immediately and swallow the bites of pies. I was a basket case. I was very afraid I would get caught and lose the job and I really needed the money. I kept telling myself, "Just spit it out. Go back to the rules." But being a Gemini there would always be an argument.
"Just spit it out. Go back to the rules."
"Screw you. This pie is GOOD!"
"You NEED this job. Spit into the bucket."
"Mmmmmm. PIE!"
"Spit. Spit. SPIT!"
"Blueberry and hmmmm what is that secret ingredient?!"
"For the LOVE OF GOD woman! Spit!"
"Is that cardamom?"
The evil Elliott was winning the war. My teeth were stained blue from the blueberry pies and I had gained 30 pounds. Finally I couldn't take it anymore I realized I was on a spiral going down, down, down. So I went to management. Management was really "Management", the guy from the show Carnivale. I said, "I have to get out of the pie judging biz. Is there anything open at the petting zoo?"
"Can you grow a beard?"
"No, I..." but I reached up and darned if I didn't feel a five o'clock shadow! "Yes, sure. I...yeah."
"Ok, ok. I'll give you a few days to grow it out and then you can take the Bearded Lady gig. It's either that or the fat lady."
"The...what?!?!...Oh my god..."
So I went home and sat around eating pies because I have no willpower. After 3 days I was walking around with an amazing ZZ-Topish beard that I stroked lovingly every few minutes. A nervous twitch of sorts.
I didn't know if it was a promotion or a demotion but now I sat on a chair and told stories about my beard to little snotty nosed kids and their bored parents.
I still argued with myself.
"You left behind PIES...PIES....for THIS?!?!?"
"I think I've lost 6 ounces..."
"Remember those coconut cream ones that I swear were a foot high?"
"Six ounces may not sound like much but I think my jeans are fitting a little looser..."
"Then there were the chocolate pies and the rhubarb ones and the mixed berry..."
"And six ounces today COULD turn into a whole pound by the end of the week."
"Remember that one in that little town in Oklahoma? What the hell was it...not sweet potato pie...not quite pumpkin...maybe a mix? I gave that gal two blue ribbons it was THAT good!"
I would usually begin to cry at that point and have to close down my tent until I could gather myself back together.
Finally Management came over and sat me down.
"Look honey, this bearded gig isn't working for you. It's either the fat lady tent or back to the pies."
"PIES!" I shouted before I could stop myself. And pies it was. That is until the bi-plane pilot joined us and I realized my true calling. Wingwalker.

Last night's dream 11/13/09

Last night I dreamt I was having a New Year's Eve party. I had invited so many people that I didn't have any bowls or platters to put the massive amounts of hors d'oeuvres in. So I went to the hardware store and purchased garbage cans and thought I was very cool and that it would be trendy and industrial and hip. But when I got home and put the guacamole in the galvanized can it looked totally stupid. So I had to shovel it back out and the gorgeous green color was starting to tinge with brown so I was hauling out the lemon juice and squirting it all over the place because I was getting very nervous because I still hadn't figured out my food dilemma and I still had to dress and then I was worried that no one would come and that led to examining my entire life and playing with the edges of low self-esteem while still shoveling guac out of the garbage can. "Get CONTROL!" I thought wildly, "Get some frickin' control here!" I opened a drawer and found to my relief some blow up bowls that I had forgotten all about. I blew up the biggest bowl, which was a lime green, and the guac fit in it just fine and I was nearly in tears with relief. Then I blew up another bowl and it was blue and I put in the seventeen bags of blue corn chips into that bowl and it looked marvelous! "I'm on a roll! A roll!" I chortled. The next bowl was a lovely yellow and cut up yellow peppers fit perfectly into that. A red bowl held what appeared to be a never ending supply of raspberries. I blew up the next bowl and it was white. I went up stairs to the bathroom because I had used the tub to whip the cream and I filled the white bowl with the whipped cream and placed that next to the berries. "It's aaaalllll starting to come together!" I thought and my heart rate was slowing and I was actually starting to act fairly normal again. I went up to get into my fetching cocktail dress for the party. When I opened the closet I found an entire colony of ferrets. "Oh. Hey. No ."I began and they responded by docking and clucking until they realized I was not there to welcome them warmly then they began to screech and bark in terror and excitement. "Dang it! Dang it now!" I was flummoxed.
I just stood there and then the hissing in annoyance started and once one of them got going there was no stopping the entire colony. So here I am standing in the doorway naked and there they are all over my clothes hissing and some even started waving their little fists at me. "Just what I need!" I thought, "A colony of ferrets! Tsk." I glanced at the clock and realized guests would be arriving shortly. I would have to deal with the ferrets later. And of course by then I was becoming really fond of them even though they were hissing and waving their little fists at me in anger. "They are SO DAMN CUTE!" I thought. "Where's my dress?" and then I saw that my special, perfect-for-the-party-I-actually-look-kinda-hot-in-this cocktail dress was laying in a heap on the floor and ferret babies were asleep in the folds. "Crap." "Oh my god they are so adorable!" "It's the perfect dress..." "Oh! One opened her eyes!" "I have to move them, gently, to any other dress in the world, but I have to move them off THE dress...I am not moving them. They are asleep! Oh! How cute are they?!?!" So I closed the door and the only clothes outside the closet were a plaid skirt that was a size too small and my old Microsoft t-shirt that was ripped and worn and was over 20 years old. I put those on and slammed my feet into a fabulous pair of Faryl Robin's that I found on my dresser. Nothing matched and I looked like hell except for from the ankles down. From the ankles down I killed! I went to run a comb through my hair but one look in the mirror told me I was bald. So I taped a pink bow to my forehead and waited for the doorbell to ring.

Last night's dream 11/11/09

Last night I dreamt that I was in math class in high school. All these young kids surround me and I think, "Wow...was I like THAT when I was in high school? Surely not. I HAD to have been more mature than these kids..." Then the teacher walks in and immediately starts writing this HUGE algebra problem on the board and all the kids kind of quiet down, except for the two really giggly girls in the back who keep texting and whispering, as the rest of the class stays focused on the board and starts scratching out the problem on their lined tablets with number two pencils. I think, "Quaint!" The teacher suddenly whirls around and throws a pencil at the two girls in the back and that pencil goes right past MY head and just about takes out an EYE! I am so...insulted! I start to loudly complain and I get out, "HE...(part of "hey you stupid bastard!") but then I look at the teacher's face and realize he is the Devil and I decide not to let it bother me. "Go to your Zen place..." I gently tell myself. The Devil turns around and continues writing out this massive problem on the board after he confirms that the two girls have settled down and are focused only on algebra...although I know that one of them continues to text under her desk while she looks up at the board all innocent and concerned. The Devil FINALLY stops writing and smacks the the chalk down HARD on his desk. Then he says, "Pop quiz. You have 10 minutes to complete this problem." Then he sits down, takes out a Reader's Digest and starts reading Humor in Uniform. I think, "Oh crap!" because I haven't even been copying the problem down because after all I was in my late forties and I was both past algebra and algebra was beyond me. So I frantically start writing the problem down and the tip of my pencil snaps off and I have to go to the front of the room really close to the Devil to sharpen it on one of those really old bolted-into-place pencil sharpeners and I think fleetingly, "These pencil sharpeners are really cool...I should get one for the house..." before I realize I really, really need to FOCUS or I'm going to get an F and who knows what the consequences are! So I kind of skip/run back to my desk and really get busy copying the problem down. The Devil stands up and starts ERASING the problem! I'm like, "What the f...." and I'm looking around at the kids but they have all copied the problem down AGES ago and half of them have finished the problem and are staring out the window or trying to look at their text messages without getting caught or making pen ink tattoos on their arms. I have about a quarter of the problem copied and then poof it's gone. Gone. I think, "Panic now?" Then I think, "No...don't panic. Pretend to be cool. I'm SO NOT cool! That's okay...you are just pretending to be cool you don't actually have to BE cool. Just don't be the opposite of cool. So what? You fail the pop quiz. You are not a heroin addict. You do not have small children in some third world country sew your garments...well, you might actually without knowing. You know I really should KNOW which brands do that shit and stop buying those brands. I wonder if there is an Internet site that has a list and what if I buy it in a thrift store? Does that count? Well, yes, it WOULD count because you are still wearing that brand and..." and then the eraser hits me in the head and the Devil repeats, "The board, Night, please proceed to the board." And I realize I have been called on to complete the problem at the board. So I stroll up and while I'm walking up I am thinking, "Do I just write a bunch of crap up there and pretend I know what I'm doing or do I just turn and tell the Devil, "Hey I got nothin' here." or do I say I have to go to the bathroom and call someone from the stall like a lifeline call or do I turn and tell the old guy that I don't even CARE about algebra and I'm in my forties and what the hell...when did I ever use algebra in my real life? I own a calculator for Pete's sake!" and while all this is going on I realize I have reached the board and I'm standing there and the room is dead silent and the Devil is so close I can feel his hairy breath on my shoulder and I "tsk" and pick up the chalk and...and then I glance to my right and there's the Virgin Mary and she's wearing a baseball uniform and she's giving me a thumbs up and saying, "You can DO it!" over and over and I think, "Crap! No I CAN'T." So I just write the number seven on the board and draw a big circle around it and slam the chalk down on the Devil's desk and walk back to my desk and sit down and cross my one leg over my knee and slouch and even pull out a toothpick from somewhere and casually place it in the corner of my mouth. I look up just in time to see the Devil turn into a pile of red dust at the front of the classroom. Then the bell rings.

Last night's dream 11/10/09

Last night I dreamt I was in the "bad" part of town. For some reason I had paid this gang $300 for a sightseeing tour of the area but they weren't sightseeing me anywhere they were doing their drug money pick up run and buying stolen goods from the trunks of cars. I was getting pretty frustrated but what could I do? They were, after all, gangstas. After we had stood around the back of a black bruised Buick for about 30 minutes I just could not take it anymore and I demanded my money back. They laughed. I told them if they didn't give me my money back I was going to follow them everywhere and talk and talk and talk and talk and then I started talking and talking and talking and they realized that I wasn't joking. One of the guys pulled back his jacket and flashed a gun but for some reason I just kept right on talking "Ohyeahmanlikeagunisgoingtostopthisstreamofconsciousnesswhynotjustgivememydamnthreehundreddollarsbackmotherf*ckerandwecangoourseparatewaysbutwithoutthatgreenI'mhangingwithmyboysFOREVERmanandImeanthatImeanthatImeanthatshowmemoregunsmanshowmeallthegunsIwillcreateasongaboutgunsandsingittoyouoverandoverandovermaybeI'llstartnowwanttohearmygunjamnowmybrothers? And so on. Finally they all do the fabulous defeated "tsk" sound and hand over my money. I walk away triumphant but I'm shaking like a leaf.

Last night's dream 11/08/09

Last night I dreamt that I finally got that pair of Loubouton's that I had been drooling over. The ones with the 4 inch heels that I convinced myself would somehow be not only easy to walk in but comfortable for two hours. "I can wear any shoe that is comfortable for two hours!" I convinced myself forcefully. But when they arrived they came in a size 9 instead of 6. I called the factory and they yelled a bunch of French at me and hung up. I then received a package in the mail. It was a foot stretcher and a manual about 3 inches thick in French. I did a bunch of "tsk" sounds and then I started typing a paragraph at a time into an automated translation website. The text was very philosophical and profound. But basically it said, "This is going to be painful but worth it. Many people will like you much better when you are in your Louboutin's than like you now. You will have a much more sparkling personality and you will delight people with your wit and charm. So get your feet into the excruciatingly painful stretchers and get to work!" So I sat on the couch with tears streaming down my cheeks as the stretchers worked their magic. It wasn't until after I had gotten up to an 8 that I realized none of my other shoes would ever fit again. Thank goodness I still hadn't bought the Prada's!

Last night's dream 11/07/09

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud, Nigel and I were going to the Gay Pride Festival. Rosebud had on a torn T-shirt that just said PRIDE on it in big black letters and a pair of really adorable black combat boots. Nigel had on pink Hello Kitty sneakers and a rainbow tutu. I had on a Xena warrior outfit for some reason. As is usual, the cats were walking upright. Rosebud had on her MP3 player and I could here Cheryl Crow blasting out of her ears. "You are going to go deaf young lady..." I started. "What?" she replied and I took the bait and said again, "You are going to..." then I saw her snickering. Nigel was humming YMCA and carrying one of his Q-Tip sticks with the fluffy ends removed.
"Why is the guy going to have a good time at the Y, Mom?" he asked.
"What honey?"
"The guy, Mom, the guy! The young man..."
"Oh, well, because he can find many ways to have a good time."
"Like what?"
"Well...honey...he can get himself clean and have a good meal..."
"Oh! I like a good meal, Mom!"
"Oh hon, I know you do..."
"What else can he do at the Y, Mommy?"
"He can make real his dreams."
"I want to make real MY dreams..."
"That's great Nigel! I wouldn't expect less from you."
"Mom, do YOU want to go to the Y and make real your dreams?"
And then I woke up. But the answers is yes. I would love to make real my dreams.

Last night's dream 11/02/09

Last night I once again dreamt I was making spaghetti. The pot was the size of a Volkswagen. It was over a big bonfire out in a parking lot. I had to climb up on a rickety old wooden ladder to get to the pot. First I filled it with water from a hose. I had to chase a couple of ducks off the water when they mistook it for a small pond. The water heated pretty quickly. I was pleasantly surprised by this and even remember thinking, "Well...that's a pleasant surprise! Must have been the salt." See I had been told by my Mom that salt will bring water to a boil more quickly than unsalted water. So I had thrown in a 5 lb. bag of salt when the pot was filling. Next I had to get the spaghetti in there. Now it was regular size so this was going to be the really hard part. How to get the spaghetti in there all at once so that it finished cooking at the same time. While the water was getting ready to boil I was frantically opening package after package of spaghetti. I asked Rosebud and Nigel to help but they just walked past me and Rosebud said, "I'm taking Nigel to the Ferris Wheel...you know we like to be up high." So I let them go realizing, "Oh, I'm cooking spaghetti for the folks at the Fair. Good enough!" Anyway, I'm opening all these packages of spaghetti and I'm putting the spaghetti on a sheet. I've got a big dumpster near me and I'm hefting the empty
packages into the dumpster and...I'm whistling. I'm whistling "In-A-Gada-da-vida", I'm doing a pretty righteous job of it, too! The sheet gets stacked higher and higher with this uncooked spaghetti and then I hear the water start to boil. I jump up on the rickety ladder and check and sure enough, these huge bubbles are coming to the surface and going "POP!". It was cool! I hurriedly climb back down the ladder and start to gather the four corners of the sheet together. I get it all together and man, that thing is packed with uncooked spaghetti! Then I climb up the ladder and heft the whole thing into the boiling pot of water. I only meant to throw in the pasta but the sheet got stuck and one thing led to another and it ended up in there too and what was I to do? So I got an oar and started stirring the spaghetti and I was able to fish out the sheet and it was all sticky with whatever it is that makes cooked pasta kind of slithery. I put the sheet off to the side and wipe my hands off on my apron and I look around but there's no clock and no timer and so I start counting thinking, "Well, that's okay, I can count for three minutes...al dente." So I'm counting away and the ducks try to come back and I have to fend them off with the oar and I lose count. Then I'm really mad. So I grab an oarful of the spaghetti and I throw it against an old barn and it sticks and I laugh and yell, "It's ready!"

Last night's dream 11/01/09

Last night I dreamt that I was in a white truck. The truck was "tricked out" so that the driver's seat was actually the passenger's seat turned sideways so that the entire truck drove down the road sideways. Needless to say this freaked out anyone else on the road. So I'm driving this truck down the road and before long many, many cop cars come along and not only siren up behind me but screech to a blasting halt in front of me blocking my path. Everyone is being very melodramatic and pulling guns...including, I realize with chagrin, me. I have what appears to be a pistol from probably a gunslinger and it is in my hands and it is pointed in the general direction of many a uniformed officer. I realize this is not my best action and think, "Why didn't I just get out my license and registration?!?!" I think, "Why don't I think before I act? What is it with this impulsive behavior? Is it really SERVING me?" and then I think, "No, it is not serving me and now I am in a pickle and the law is about to shoot many, many holes into me and all because of this dang truck." Then I sigh and I yell, "This here truck is loaded with explosives boys so I'd put those guns right the hell down if I was you!" and I think "Oh for heaven's sake! Am I NOT already in enough trouble? MUST I cause an even bigger ruckus?!?!?" The cops all look at each other waiting for someone in charge to make "the call" and tell them either to blast away at me or to "stand down". "Stand down!" some guy yells with authority and they do. Every one of those cops holsters their weapons and then they start milling around over by their cars because really, it's a small town not some cop TV show and they have never dealt with not only a truck driving sideways down the road but a loony with explosives. I think, "I don't really have explosives..." and then I glance in my rearview mirror and damn it! I do have a truck load of explosives. "Oh, for the love of....!" I think. Then I do a lot of "Tsk." noises because I can't think of anything else to do. "I had to go shoe shopping today, didn't I?" I think as if my desire for shoes was to blame for the strange truck, the cops, and the explosives. We spend about five minutes like that. Me in the cab going "Tsk. (pause) Tsk. (pause) Tsk, tsk." and the cops kind of milling around. I hear some scraps of conversation...they are mostly talking about some sports or Survivor or how uncomfortable their bulletproof vests are. "They are!" I think too and look down to find I am wearing one of the vests. I glance in the mirror again and I have on a COP baseball cap. I can't even recall the number of "Tsks" I make at this point. Then the passenger door is yanked open and Neil Diamond hops in. "Hey!" he says. "Hey, Neil." I say. "Don't get discouraged..." he says, "These things happen..." "Yeah...you're rig..." I begin and then, "No! No, Neil! They don't HAPPEN. Am I a COP? Am I not a cop?!?! Who's truck is this? Why am I driving it? Where is the shoe store anyway? I usually order online!" I look over and Neil is pointing a tazer at me. "You're a little out of control today young lady." he says and tazers the crap out of me.

Last night's dream 10/30/09

Last night I dreamt I was heading back to Bisbee. I was camping out as I went and it was taking a few weeks to get there. One day I was in a store and I found a little box that had other little boxes inside it. I decided to buy it. I carried it around the store and would set it down to look at other things and then pick it back up. I was very interested in one display--but now I can't remember what it was. I kept opening the box that I had decided to buy because I couldn't remember what was inside. At one point I opened it and one of the smaller boxes inside now had a dent in it. I said, "Tsk." I can't remember if I ever bought the box but the next thing I know I am outside in a field and getting ready to set up my tent. I set it up and crawl in and fall asleep. When I wake up I am laying on one of those camp blow up mattresses that is about an inch thick and about 2 feet wide. It is orange. There is no tent. I am just laying on that thing with a bath towel over me. I look around and all these hippies are waking up and crawling out of their tents. The next thing I know I am in a van, again headed for Bisbee. There is another woman in the back of the van with me and two women in the front of the van separated from us. The van stops and we all pile out and we are on the beach. I say, "What beach is this?" and Someone walking past says, "It's L.A.! Man! It's L.A.!" I open a magazine I have been carrying around. There is a contest in the magazine that is something like this...Jennifer Aniston has created a website and if you can catch her cruising her own website you win....something...I am not sure what the prize was...so I keep flipping through this magazine for clues and then I keep surfing the Internet on a computer that has magically appeared...then disappears and appears again. Now I have the magazine and am flipping around and this guy walks up and asks what I'm doing and I tell him about the contest and he obviously thinks it's the stupidest thing he's heard of. It turns out he's the husband of one of the women who was in the cab of the van. He's looking for her so that he can apologize. We walk up to a row of doors along the beach and he starts knocking turning to me and saying, "She's probably in one of these beauty parlors." He walks away from the door he has just banged on to bang on one about a half a block away. I am standing there when a woman comes to the door. I start to explain but she interrupts me to say, "They had a fight, huh?" I say, "Yeah, looks that way..." She tells me she is getting a dye job on her hair. "I'm tired of looking old..." She says. I say, "How old are you?" She replies, "95." I start to laugh..."Well, if there was any time to look old it would be at 95, wouldn't it?" Then I tell her, "You look like you are in your 60's...after the dye job they are going to start carding you again!" She likes this a lot and laughs and grabs my arm.

Last night's dream 10/26/09

Last night I dreamt that Rosebud, Nigel and I were doing an aerobics workout DVD. Rosebud was standing on her hind legs in black sneakers that she bent down and pressed a button on and they pumped up. She picked up the cutest tiny set of black barbells and then kind of gave me the hairy eyeball. I said, "Wait for your brother..." Nigel was still struggling to put on his pink sneakers and Rosebud finally dropped her dumb bells with a litttle clunk and put his sneakers on the right feet for him and then tied them and pushed their little button to pump them up for him. He leapt to his back feet and started walking around mewing pathetically. Rosebud hissed, "They're behind the chair..." and Nigel went behind the chair and found his even more adorable little pink barbells. They both stood in front of the screen waiting for me to hit the start button. I was on the couch with a festive alcoholic beverage in my hand. We were all ready to work out.

Last night's dream 10/25/09

Last night I dreamt that a deer with an owl on it's back came into the bedroom and laid down on the bed next to the cheetah with a buzzard on it's back which was cuddled up next to a monkey with a gull on it's back. On the other side of the bed was a dolphin with a blowfish on it's back and a cow with a heron on it's back. There was a wolf with a hummingbird on it's back and an elk with a chinchilla on it's back. Rosebud and Nigel were there too. I thought, "Man, I gotta get a king size bed or this is NEVER going to work! And who the hell is snoring?!?!?"

Last night's dream 10/21/09

Last night I dreamt that I was the same size as Nigel and Rosebud. It was dinner time and I had a heck of a time opening their can of cat food but they were pretty insistant that I find a way and since I didn't have their claws and teeth, (yes!, they were prepared to use them against me), I had no choice but to use my ingenuity. Making espresso was a bitch but talk about worth it! The world's largest cup of coffee! Using the toilet was frankly kind of scary. The tub was great though, Olympic o-shympic. When it came time to play chase those cats really wore me out. Just because I was their size didn't mean I possessed their abilities. So while Nigel could leap off the top of the stairs and hurl himself through the air to the bottom, I had to take them one by one. Needless to say I got pinned to the ground quite a bit and both cats, more than once, clamped my delicate neck in their jaws. Thank goodness we all knew we were only playing. Now grooming time was another story and I had to run and jump into a cupboard when I saw those tongues coming at me. Nap time was the best! We'd form a little pig pile in the middle of the bed cozied up in a blanket and all three of us would purr and purr and purr.

Last night's dream 10/18/09

Last night I dreamt that I was eating chocolate out of a big bag. Each chocolate was the shape of something and I had to name it before I ate it or the chocolate would turn into broccoli in my mouth. Uncooked. So I was sitting there watching "The Mentalist" and saying, "Barn." and then I would eat the little chocolate barn. I had to be pretty specific. If I said, "House." and it was a barn I would get uncooked broccoli. So I had to examine each chocolate fairly closely. If it was hard to tell what it was I would say, "Shoe?" then take a little nibble at the toe area. If I was right I got chocolate, wrong, the evil broccoli. But then I had the chance to correct it "Sneaker." and get the rest of the piece in soothing chocolate. I had to pause the show several times since some of the pieces had melted a little in the Palm Springs summer night. When I had gotten three broccoli's in a row I realized that the melting had reached a critical juncture. I quickly put the bag of chocolates in the fridge, but it was too late, they were contorted to the point of unrecognizability. It was no fun the next day to sit on the couch peering and peering at a chunk of disfigured chocolate and guessing and guessing and guessing at what it might have been.

Last night's dream 10/17/09

Last night I dreamt I was shooting fish in a barrel. It was not as easy as they say.

Last night's dream 10/16/09

Last night I dreamt I was in a Gypsy's tent sitting on these cushions at a low table. There were tarot cards scattered face down all over the table. A young girl came in carrying an ornate metal tray and set it down in front of me. There was a cup of coffee and a creamer and a sugar bowl with a lid. And a small white spoon. I thanked the young girl and she moved away. I poured what must have been heavy cream, it was so thick, into the coffee and gave it a taste. It was a little bitter so I lifted the lid off the sugar bowl. Inside were tiny squarish bones. I gave a little soft "tsk". I tasted the coffee again but there was no way I could drink it as it was. I had to sweeten it. So I lifted the little white spoon and it gave off this little whistle sound. I dug into the little bowl of bones and two landed on the bowl of the spoon. I held them over the coffee wondering if this was going to improve things or make them worse. I dumped the bones into the coffee and gave them a gentle stir with the whistling spoon. I set the spoon down and tasted the coffee. It was perfect! I thought seriously about stealing some of those little bones for later. I wondered what kind of bones they were. I felt guilty for thinking of stealing them. I tasted the delicious coffee again. Before I knew it the coffee cup was empty. I waited a while just looking around. Then I began fiddling with the whistling spoon. Eventually the young girl came in and took the spoon away from me along with all the coffee stuff and the tray. I clasped my hands together and rolled my thumbs over each other over and over. I thought about my shoes. I reached for my cell phone to check the time but I didn't have it on me. Finally I gathered all the tarot cards together and shuffled them up real good. Then I thought of a question and flipped one over. It was blank. "Well, that blows." I thought and stuck it back in the deck. I shuffled again and thought of a question and turned one over. It was blank. "Oh, har de har har." I thought ticked off. I put it back in the deck and shuffled. Then I turned the cards over and rifled through them. They were all there. The last card was the blank one. I thought about setting it to the side but that didn't feel right. I turned the cards over and shuffled a few times and thought of a question and turned over a card and it was blank. Then I picked a second card and turned it over. It was blank. Then a third. Blank. I put them back in the deck and turned the entire deck over. All the cards were there, one blank at the very end. I set the deck down and turned over one card from the top. Blank. Then another and another. All blanks. So I gathered them all together and turned them back over and shuffled them a bit. Then I set them in the middle of the table and saw that one of the little bones has fallen out of the sugar bowl and was laying on the table. I put that on top of the deck. The drapes at the front of the room parted and a nervous man walked in carrying a hat in his hands. "Are you the one that can tell my future?" he asked. I shifted my eyes around the room and realized that hell yes, I was the fortune teller! I gestured for the man to sit. I took the bone off the deck and popped it into my mouth. "Shuffle." I commanded.

Last night's dream 10/9/09

Last night I dreamt that I was in the Amazon forest and I was trying to get a date with a member of this tribe chief's family. I didn't speak the language and no one spoke English so we were trying to communicate with pictures drawn in the sand. I was drawing cocktails to symbolize, "Would you like to go have a drink somewhere?" But from the tribe's reaction I could tell that my little cocktail shaker and glass and two stick figures smiling did not mean the same to them because the next thing you know I'm being trussed like a great big chicken and set up over a bed of coals. I didn't panic though. I simply did one of those little snickey sounds one does to call a horse over and my trusty steed, Marcus, came trotting over. Using his teeth he undid the ropes and then he gently grabbed my clothing in his teeth and carted me a few feet away from the fire then he set me down. I said, "Good boy, Marcus!" Jumped on his back and thundered away. I looked over my shoulder to see the tribe members all standing outside their huts waving goodbye. I thought, "Oh, what the heck!" and wheeled Marcus around. "How hard can it be to draw something we can both understand?" I mused. Later, when I was back on the grill and Marcus was being wooed with fresh fruit by a passel of half naked women I found out just how unwise my optimism could be.

Last night's dream 10/8/09

Last night I dreamt that everything was purple. I grabbed an orange out of the fruit basket, it was purple. I put on my favorite red lipstick, it was purple. I pet the cats, they were purple. The sun, the sky, the trees, everything in the house, all of me, my friends, money, food, diamonds, poop, water, cars, airplanes, dust, lollipops...everything was purple. And I thought, "Finally!"

Last night's dream 10/7/09

Last night I dreamt that I was on a tour of a dairy factory. It was highly educational and I was well-behaved until we came to the whipped cream area. We were walking past this huge vat and I was so enthralled and I don't know what happened. One minute I'm on the platform looking down into the vat as the tour guide is droning on about how it gets whipped to fluffy perfection, then the next minute I'm flinging myself off the platform and landing in the center of all that creaminess! The factory workers all came running and yelling. I had tainted the entire vat! I didn't care! I kept diving to the bottom of the vat and then opening my mouth and paddling my way to the surface like some whale gorging on plankton. I was able to carry out three dives before being apprehended and pulled out of the vat by the dairy workers. They were disgusted with me but one of them, I could tell, was just a little bit jealous! The cream was all over me, and staying pretty fluffy, as I was escorted out of the building. "Who hasn't fantasized about diving into a vat of whipped cream?!?!?!" I demanded. "Come on! Who? Who!?!?" But no one was talking to me. They were muttering and mad. They would have to swab out the entire vat and begin anew. To my delight I was driving my friend's red truck and I pleaded and begged and finally the dairy workers gave in and they dumped the tainted vat into the back of the truck. I drove home with little puffs of whipped cream flying off the truck. I drove directly to my friend's house to return the truck and discuss how to get the whipped cream into an above ground pool that I had purchased at Wal-Mart on the way home. He was thunderstruck at the whipped cream mountain in his truck. "I will hose it down. I promise I will hose it down. You'll never know it was filled with dairy..." I beseeched. He said, "Even if we shovel it into the pool very gently you are going to lose a lot of volume." "I know. I know. But we can fluff it back up with hand-held mixers, can't we?" I asked hopefully. "It's going to spoil..." Then we looked at each other and said at the same time, "CREME FRAICHE!!!" He spun around towards the house. "I'll grab the buttermilk!" he yelled as I grabbed a shovel and began to gingerly lift the whipped cream from the truck bed into the pool. "Party tonight!" I thought.

Last night's dream 10/03/09

Last night I dreamt that I was sent into the past to uncover some mystery that would help things now in the future. I had a partner with me. When we traveled into the past we were invisible to everyone there. We "beamed" in near a small lake. I peered around a boulder at the edge of the lake and there was Jackie Kennedy (I don't think she was an Onassis yet) in a little rowboat with LBJ. LBJ was leaning forward to tell Jackie something. Other people were walking around the lake and suddenly people started to see hazy outlines of my partner and me. I could tell because we started getting funny looks and people began rubbing their eyes and talking urgently with their friends. Dogs began barking and growling at us. I thought it best to try to make some kind of contact. I walked towards a young couple but they ended up walking through me. I began shouting, "We are from the future! We are in a space / time rift!" But people panicked and began running away. I looked for the small boat on the lake, but it was gone.

Last night's dream 10/02/09

Last night I dreamt I was watching "The Closer" on DVD. I was on the couch and flanked by two angels. The opening scene comes on and both angels say, "The husband's secretary..." I didn't get it at first but eventually it dawned on me...that was the killer. So as soon as I figured it out I returned to the menu and just before I started the next episode I said very nicely, "Hey you guys! Don't blurt out the killer! I want to be surprised, okay?" They both nodded and said, "Sure, sure, sure." So I started the second episode and no sooner did the opening scene start then they both yelled, "SISTER!" I paused the DVD and glared at both of them. "Oh, sorry, sorry." "Yeah, uh, sorry...." they muttered and murmured. "I'm going to go make us some popcorn and when I come back I'm going to start the third and LAST episode on this DVD...I want to watch the entire episode without knowing who the killer is unless I FIGURE IT OUT!" I paused for dramatic effect. "Do you understand?" I asked kindly. "Sure, sure, sure." They said in unison. I went out to the kitchen, made the popcorn, and returned with a giant bowl which I held and we all dug into. I looked at each one, staring into their eyes purposefully. They smiled back and gave me the "Got it!" look. I started the DVD and they both screamed, "Jealous Insurance Broker Guy!" I hung my head in defeat. I got up, took out "The Closer" DVD and shut off the TV. We sat in the dark eating popcorn.

Last night's dream 9/29/09

Last night I dreamt that I was watching Lawrence Welk on TV. I was wearing a very loud floral mu mu and fashion pumps. I was drinking a really nice rich delicious coffee milkshake from Coldstone Creamery and I had on big thick reading glasses. Rosebud and Nigel were both up in my ample lap. I glanced over at the clock it was 7:23 pm. Under the clock was the calendar it was 2059. I was 98 years old! I went and looked in the fridge it was packed with tapioca pudding, whipping cream, creme brulee, steaks, butter, sausage, bacon, and club soda. I opened the freezer...lots of meat, shrimp, lobster, puff pastry, and lemon-aide. In the cupboards, several varieties of pasta, Little Schoolboy cookies, butter cookies, a few cans of tuna and then the rest of the cupboards were filled with cat food. I thought, "Wow...that retirement fund I was so worried about running out...I guess it didn't!" I crumbled up some fresh baked chocolate chip cookies in a bowl, poured organic whipping cream in and grabbed a spoon. As I settled in to my rocker and grabbed the remote I thought, "Damn! Life is GOOD!"

Last night's dream 9/28/09

Last night I dreamt that there was a terrible plague and nearly everyone was sick. Those of us that weren't were playing a festive game of progressive rummy in a high school stadium. The bleachers were filled with sick people who needed something to occupy the time before they keeled over.

Last night's dream 9/27/09

Last night I dreamt that I was at the movies. It was a "chick flick" and I was wondering what I was doing there since my tastes tend toward "indie" films. Nigel and Rosebud stroll in. Both are walking upright and both have a ultra bucket of popcorn and a giant mega super gulp drink. How they hold on to these in their little monkey paws is beyond me, but they manage. Each takes a seat on either side of me. Rosebud pushes her big tub of popcorn into my lap but gives me the hairy eyeball look to let me know that I shouldn't even consider digging in and puts her giant mega super gulp drink into the cup holder. Then she proceeds to shred the back of her seat with her razor sharp claws. "I just clipped you yesterday!" I hiss. "They grow fast...when I want them to..." she replies nonchalantly. Nigel reaches the end of his drink cup and continues to suck through his straw in case he's missed a molecule of soda. People in the theater start to "tsk" and murmur and I quickly pinch the straw to shut off his air supply to the bottom of the cup. "Ooohhhhkaaaayyyyy Nige. Good boy!" I whisper. He completely ignores me and sticks his face into his popcorn and routs around. Rosebud sniffs her popcorn tub and then just holds it in her lap looking despondent. The big scene where the "boy gets the girl" comes on and Nigel freezes. He watches raptly and hangs on every cloyingly sweet word. Rosebud looks up at the ceiling and sighs and puts her bucket down and claws the arm chair a couple of times then curls up and falls asleep. Nigel tugs at my sleeve and whispers, "Will that be me someday Mom? Will I meet that special someone who will compete me?" "Um...you mean complete you honey...well, the reality of it is, son, that no one really needs another person to 'complete' themselves you see...." but Nigel shushes me and points at the screen with his little paw. Now the "girl" is dying and the "boy" is heartbroken and there are tears gushing everywhere and I look over and Nigel has tears streaming down his face and he looks at me confused and scared. "But Mom! They just met and fell in love! What's going on?!?" he asks me. "Honey, it's just a mov..." but he bursts into tears and crawls into my lap and I don't know what to do. He begins to suckle the inside of my elbow and I let him. Other moviegoers start to complain about his loud piglike suckling sounds so I get up and whisper to Rosebud that we are going to the lobby. Rosebud is sacked out on her chair but gives me the honor of opening one eye, slightly, to show that she's heard me. Out in the lobby Nigel gets distracted by...everything...finally, after scratching, pushing, tugging, nuzzling, and pawing at every item in the lobby he comes back over and sits down next to me. "Mom...I want to find my 'Mr. Right'." He informs me, then continues, "How will I ever find him if I can't leave the house except when I'm with you and Rosebud? How will I ever figure out good pick up lines? How will I experiment and explore my sexuality if you and Rosebud are always there? I will never be able to get 'jiggy with it'..." and he bursts into tears again.